I felt like the last entry was already boring and disjointed enough, and I didn’t want to add more so I started another entry to cover the actual events of today. I’m very tired. I was feeling depressed earlier today on my way to work, and I feel even more defeated by the elegiac atmosphere of this corporate cell phone company event. Maybe I’m projecting, as I can’t imagine enjoying a life spent in the employ of a cell phone company, nor as a journalist in charge of reporting on the same, but these people all seem deadened and corpselike. Its also the same presentation done over and over again. The presentation itself is already a sort of dirge of new features rendered in annoying corporate jargon. Its all useless AI digital trinkets and color-customizable garbage. Depressing pablum. The final group seemed to be full on influencers, and unsurprisingly this was the most depressing of all. They oohed and ahhed at the presentation video, which was just generic aftereffects adslop. Someone said it was a really impressive package during the Q&A, and then an italian woman asked what they were doing to reach out more to the female market segment. I think this is what people mean when they joke about ‘brain worms.’ What kind of normal sentient self agentive subject could possibly be curious what one of the major smartphone retailers was doing to infiltrate women’s spending habits?
Probably the only interesting revealed detail was related to the fact that the new flagship phones were coming in a variety of p*nt*ne colors which were selected in close ‘co-curation’ with the cellular brand. In describing why this was important the presenter noted that p*nt*ne had provided the colorways for the product 12 months ago, in part so that production could acomodate the correct color for the phones, cases, crossbody straps1, etc. The additional benefit of this, for the company as well as the consumer, is that simultaneously to the release of this product, the colors will start appearing across the spectrum of consumer goods. The presenter held up his acid-lime green phone and said he’d already begun seeing the shade in fashion shows.
I know that the bulk of the economy is unproductive rent seeking, but its particularly funny to see whats happening here, which I have to surmise is rent seeking on manufactured color trends.
Theres not enough money in just selling paint, so I surmise that our friends at pant*ne are trying to make colors their intellectual property. I already knew this was more or less their current business plan, and they’ve done a pretty thorough job of having an effective monopoly on color coordination. While they cant literally copyright colors, they’ve become so ingrained in design and printer calibration and digital imagery that they effectively have. I feel like this stuff might be sort of common knowledge, but I remember it being particularly a topic of discussion when I worked at a print shop a year and a half ago and they started having their beef with Adobe2.
What I assume is happening now, based on the simultaneous rollout of phone case colors along with fashion colors, is that the p*ntone paint company is selling color trends as a service.
I imagine they simultaneously were speaking to this phone company and whatever fashion label this guy had seen his special phone case color at, and are coordinating new color trends to coincide with each other. They’re selling this coordination as useful market information. It makes sense- I feel like the types of people that were running this phone rollout would buy into a pitch that p*nt*ne could predict or control perceptions of colors, and so it was economically rational to partner with them (which I assume is basically paying them to lease their color labels and color information).
I guess I can’t prove that there is a concerted conspiracy by the color cabal to create a privileged set of color schemes, but they already position themselves as color tastemakers explicitly. I used to always jokingly make a big deal about the ‘color of the year,’ but now it doesn’t seem so funny to me- it feels both more sinister and more annoying than before.
Its not usually mentioning the phenomena of marketing creating desire where it didn’t belong, but its especially funny when you see it so raw and bare and cynical, especially with something as abstract and pure and physical as color.
Colors going in and out of fashion already seemed so constructed and out of touch with real people’s tastes and wants. It reminds me of when I was a child and people would ask me what my favorite color was. I would always say that I didn’t understand the question- how could I have a favorite color? They all served different purposes. What I can describe now that I didn’t have the vocabulary for then is also the fact that colors don’t make sense in isolation, and color is exciting in its contextual interaction, so how could I choose a favorite particular color? It felt like a sad choice I didn’t want to make. Eventually I grew tired of discussing color theory with an audience that wasn’t interested and I ended up stopping my rebuttal and just defaulted to blue, which was a safe choice that didn’t invite further discussion.
1 These in particular were stressed as being a part of the new portfolio push to the ‘tech as fashion/lifestyle’, though this was only explicated to the influencer group
2 It’s really infuriating that you have to click around and find a non-p*nt*ne color, and if anyone knows a free workaround that works on a cracked version of illustrator or photoshop, plz let me know. (I looked into it for 5 seconds and figured out how to do it. Not sure why I never did that before) This move also presaged their more recent controversy, so I can’t say I was surprised when I saw it in the news
Last night I had one of the most annoying hotel shifts I’ve ever had. I didn’t feel like adding it to the end of an already long post, especially since I was already pissed off and exhausted from the day. By the end of the day I was sort of just shocked by how many small annoying things were happening. I bought a bottle of water from a deli walking to the train to go home, and the clerk accosted me for not speaking spanish. I guess this was an annoying event, but I mainly felt flabbergasted1 by the whole thing.
I started to write this whole thing that I had a plan for, because I had two really annoying days at work at the hotel. That was three days ago. Since then I got distracted and unmotivated and didn’t find a chance to finish the diary entry. I recall that I was motivated to mention but not describe my annoying day at work, because the reasons its annoying are supremely boring. It was just a shift where all of the things that irritate me about my hotel job happened one after another. I did lose my composure at a photographer. Her bag was moved by another employee because it was in the way and she became a bit furious and said quite emphatically I need this to do my job! And I told her to ‘relax’ because many people were doing their job, including me, and her bag was in the way of me doing my job. Riveting stuff.
The next day was also a wedding and it was an equally frustrating shift, but this time because it was 4 hundred million degrees outside and the groom wanted to keep the ceremony outside as planned, and then afterwards everyone got mad at us because they were very hot. There were other irritating things that happened but they aren’t worth getting into. I’m annoyed at my coworker bc hes stupid. I don’t like many of the clients. There are technical problems I think need to be fixed. Nothing interesting. I’m back at work as I’m writing this. Its a depressing cell phone company event. Its the same presentation every couple hours for different groups of press people. Its all press people whose beat is cell phone tech I guess. These kind of things make me feel depressed about the future.
Over the weekend I spent a day preparing and then played a show. I probably put too much time into prep for it. I’ve been doing a lot of individual work for each show I’ve been playing recently, which is probably unwise. I need to lock down some consistent2 material I can replay. It was just for this thing near my house which I played the very first set for. I went to sleep the night before having prepared all day and not having left the house and felt depressed. The day of was 100,000,000 degrees and I was sweating a lot going to the venue3 and I felt dazed. I got there and it was very DIY backyard and everything I expected. My set was fine. I was first to go on but there were some people there and I think I played reasonably good music. Don’t have much more to say about it. It made me want to make more music and book more shows, though I don’t know how.
Afterwards I hung around a bit but the rest of the event was readings and acoustic guitar/singing music and because it was so hot I didn’t really care to stay. I thought sitting in the heat and listening to people read poetry sounded hellish. Also I think Genevieve didn’t really want to be there because of the whole weird thing where they made her an organizer on the flyer despite not talking to her about it and her not having much to do with it. I think she only came in spite of the strangeness of that because she wanted to support me. Either way me and the people I came with went to a bar nearby and then we ate food and generally had a normal day in our neighborhood.
I want to put more effort into the music thing in the near future. I don’t mind playing in people’s goofy backyard events, but it doesn’t really feel like a very interesting progression for me as a musician. I guess I need to put effort into getting booked at actual venues, but that seems to require being part of a musical community, and I haven’t been doing a good job being a part of that. I’m probably too old and uncool. I don’t really go to shows anymore. I saw that there was an ML Buch and Chanel Beads concert at Nowadays on Saturday, but I had no idea.
1 I also sort of thought he might be right to challenge me. Why don’t I speak spanish? I certainly wasn’t going to tell him I grew up in Texas. I used to think I spoke a little spanish from working in kitchens in Texas, but whatever experience I had with the various pidgins I was exposed to has no real utility in the hispanosphere, as I learned when I visited [link] mexico city last year.
2 I keep thinking I’ve done that but then decide its all wrong and start over from scratch each time I’m asked to perform anywhere. I guess we’ll just see about the next one.
3 backyard of the girl organizing it
Couldnt sleep well last night, partly bc I was still transcoding video, and partly because Genevieve was(is) mad at me about the diary. Specifically she said she was mad because I portrayed her as a vaguely inconvenient antagonist side character. The proximate breaking point seems to have been this post, but really she had much more issue with how she was represented (or rather, not represented) during our trip to europe. Its a very fair concer. She’s very understanding of my stupid online diary, and I grateful she she didn’t say what she could have said, which was that I was only in Europe because she wanted to bring me along, and I had gone along written all these ungrateful diary posts about how I was sad or about how nice various churches were or whatever I said.
What she did say was that it was important to her that we did the trip together, and the scance mention of her (and only in neutral or worse occasions) made her feel bad1. I can understand why she feels that way- its like I cut her out of my experience of our shared adventure, and took it all for myself in the retelling. First thing’s first: mea culpa. I agree with her. She spelled out the evidence2 clearly for me. She has demonstrated to me that someone reading my diary would get an unfortunate version of my lover and best friend.
I can’t do that much to rectify this problem, except for trying to do better in the future. One thing I could do now would be to go on a long tirade about how wonderful and perfect my sweet beautiful Genevieve is. That is true and it would be a good thing for me to do that, but it sort of doesn’t count if I’m just trying to get out of trouble3.
I want to work through the problem as it is, because Genevieve’s objection to my lack of positive acclaim is in part that she is hurt that a potential reader might get the sense that she’s a nagging bitch or something, but more than that she described her frustration with the disconnect between my words and actions in real life and what I write in the diary.
One aspect of this is just I mostly complain on the diary. Most of my thoughts are negative and critical, and I don’t always think the positive ones are very interesting. I also am working through little sticky annoyances and things that bother me, so a lot of the time I’m just spouting off various greviences that have irritated me in a day. If things are going well with Genevieve, which they are almost always, it doesn’t become something I want to excise by way of writing it down. My relationship with Genevieve is one of the few really good things in my life, and I’m happy that I don’t spend a lot of thought and effort working through problems.
I also know that I have never thought my way into getting anything. I’ve only thought my way out of things. If I have something I like, I try desperately to not think about it, as that would only ruin it. I fear I would either, through my various subconscious or conscious ill-advised machinations and schemes, actually deprive myself of my object of happiness, or else through my deeply honed sense of ambivalence ruin my appreciation, subdue my reverence, and phenomenologically taint whatever good thing I have with a gordian knot of cerebration, thus driving it away from my grasp psychically. This is a fear-based reaction I should work against actively.
I’m also probably not good at talking about being in love. Its pretty corny to be in love, and its also very hard to express anything that amounts to the immense sublimity that the phenomena of love feels like. I really really love Genevieve, and I like having people bear witness to it, but it seems like the observation of the two of us together expresses the particular depth and perfection of our love better than I am likely to say on my amateur autofiction substack. That nonetheless doesn’t mean I am not responsible for trying.
The thing that really surprised me about Genevieve taking me to task for being a bad literary boyfriend was that she said I had all these cerebral4 words to say about the Danube, but wrote about it as though I were there all alone. This surprised me quite a bit because in my mind, one of the really important things about going to the Danube was going there with Genevieve. It felt like the ideal place to be two people in love. I remember walking along with her and feeling like we were doing the absolute perfect thing together. I’m sure I would have liked walking the Danube alone together, but I have serious doubts it would have made anywhere close to the impression it made on me with Genevieve on my arm, and I suspect the emotional flavor would have been melancholic, rather than blissful.
I thought that I had written something to that effect, if even as a passing reference. Maybe I did and I couldn’t find it, but I certainly didn’t write anything at length about it, which makes me feel a little ugly. Genevieve said that I was in fact likely not being honest if I wasn’t expressing my love for her, or at least describing any positive attributes of her. This is interesting to me, because I would have thought I would know if I was being dishonest. Time and time again I rediscover5 doing the diary that there are many more ways of being dishonest than being honest, and it is very hard to tell which one you are doing until after the fact.
So indeed I have been dishonest. I think I have internalized a sense that my emotions are bad and shouldn’t be mentioned. It’s not unique or interesting and it is an embarrassing pathology primarilly affecting men. I think I have a particularly acute case for a couple reasons.
My WASPy nuclear family is impressively emotionally reserved.
Early in my life I had problems with explosive anger, and have learned to dissipate all emotions before they get the better of me.
I spent a lot of time in treatment during my adolescence, and felt like it was a place where emotions good or bad were effectively punished, and the only safe way to feel at all times was bemused and detached.
Emotions are embarrassing, incorrect, and are for girls.
I would like to do better in the future on this front. Not only would I like to write about my affection and esteem for Genevieve, but I think both myself and my writing would drastically improve by increasing the emotional input and honesty. Someone, in response to my post about my Tao Lin gig, said my writing was like Lin’s. I believe flexing the emotional aspect of confessional writing might fix both this stylistic problem and stop the substack from pissing off my girlfriend.
1 She specified that the negative emotion she felt was pissed off.
2 She pulled up the diary and did a name search. There were 109 mentions of ‘Genevieve’ — the fast majority were perfunctory, like Genevieve and I went to xyz and did blah blah blah , and a few were more or less positive, but these were outweighed by me complaining about stuff she did or otherwise painting her in not the best light.
3 I’m not actually in trouble- the only thing that Genevieve did by way of retaliation is text me to ask if ‘I still hate her’ a couple times which is funny and sort of sweet in a way.
4 She said this word a few times. Is my diary that ‘cerebral?’
5 This is also something I gleaned when thinking about Caveh Zahedi and his work. The impossibility of a pure ‘radical honesty’ seems like a blind spot when he talks about his work. I also remember that when I went to his reading he mentioned that Kathy was represented in a negative light in his diary.
Worked on set today for an ad shoot. The only production I’ve been doing for a little bit has been for my friend’s girlfriend, whose a girl-boss producer at a hip ad agency. I really like her and shes a fuckin pro, so it feels good that she trusts me. It’s also funny to see people I meet outside of work contexts in their work flow. Everyone I’ve seen at their job has demonstrated phenomenal competence, and the striking thing is how much more self assured they usually are than in social settings. Not to quibble with Marx, but its clearly good for people’s self actualization to be good at something they are asked to do.
My role recently has been DIT, which is sort of a fake job. It stands for Digital Imaging Technician. DIT stuff can go pretty deep, but thats particularly on feature shoots, or at least something that is multiday. In my case, when I’m just doing one day ad shoots, my job is to set up video monitors and ensure they get a good feed, ensure that there is a streaming feed to the clients off site1, and to wrangle all the data from the camera team and the sound recordist, as well as back it up. In more advanced cases the DIT would also have more to do with pre-staging color grading by starting to create LUTs2 and other stuff to start getting post production ready. The basic idea is that the DIT sits between production (behind the camera) and post-production (behind the various computers that edit and finalize the asset). A big part of that is often creating dailies so that the director or producers or whoever can review footage. I know also that DITs are also often tasked with being able to instantly playback things as they are being shot. I’ve done some of that, where I load up a special media player for various raw footage I’ve already loaded onto a drive, but I know in a feature film or other higher level environment theres special equipment and software which is really expensive and that they call Qtake.
Basically my day was that I got there and set up monitors and wireless links to the cameras and then waited around for 12 hours until I could download and backup all of the footage, and now I’m in the process of finishing transcoding all of it so I can send it to the editor tomorrow. In the 12 hours between that I helped out the camera and art departments as much as I could, but we were a pretty big shoot and there was already some redundancy, so I wasn’t that helpful. I started to feel a bit insecure and stupid. I noticed other people were doing a better job networking, which I’ve come to learn is an essential skill I don’t have. I kept thinking I needed to be more outgoing.
At one point someone was talking about how bad zyn is for your. She was making fun of someone for their zyn addiction. I said that nicotine is not carcinogenic, but she said that there was still a chemical reaction happening in someones mouth. The zyn-addicted gaffer rebutted that there was a chemical reaction happening in the mouth when someone eats food. I thought this was a perfect retort, but it was unconvincing to his art department girl interlocutor. I was reminded in that moment of the lesson I have to remind myself of all the time- I don’t care about convincing anyone of anything. Whatever I think or know to be true doesn’t matter. I want things out of other people, and I have to put their perspective above all else. I am not tasked with being right, and I am certainly not tasked with convincing other people of anything. What I am tasking myself with is excelling and convincing other people to trust me, whatever that may mean.
Throughout the day I often found myself feeling feeling foolish for being insecure. I started thinking that it was quite silly that I had this arbitrary wish to direct video and film when I was so introverted.
One of the actors in the ad did a voiceover3 line which addressed this:
I guess that should make me feel better. One thing I got from the whole shoot was that it was weird that there were jokes about ‘alphas’ and an oblique reference to gigachad. I recall this kind of stuff from when I was on 4chan when I was 14, and I thought we were all basically making fun of it even then. How fascinating how language and society change. I saw an instagram reel the other day that was BTS footage of a DIT in action, and he had all this internety stuff on his cart. The caption was like “why are all DITs such meme lords?” I remember thinking wow I’m glad I’m not so cringe. When I opened my laptop to start transcoding the producer/CEO guy saw my pepe the frog sticker and was like “do you own any pepe?” and then informed me there was a pepe the frog cryptocurrency that was doing well.
1 This actually isn’t a typical thing I’ve heard of DITs doing, but I assume it will become more common. I’ve noticed in general that there has been a notable uptick in how common streaming is. I would guess that the distal cause of this phenomenon is that the availability of prosumer level and relatively straightforward and cheap streaming equipment, in particular the BlackMagic ATEM has made streaming a more common expectation for both production clients and live events.
2 Color remapping settings- something akin to a filter, but for coloring raw digital video
3 I definitely shouldn’t be sharing stuff like this, but I feel like its unlikely to lead to negative consequences, especially bc how many people are really going to be exposed to this particular audio clip?
I worked more on my set in the morning. I felt sluggish and miasmatic as I have been a lot recently. Maybe its the summer beginning or an allergic response. I felt like I had begun to be productive in musical terms but before long I had to go to work. They schedule me at the hotel sometimes at a weird time- today at 3:30, which was in the middle of an event. It’s always because I’m almost scheduled for 40 hours for the week and they don’t want to pay me overtime.
I got in and I was thrown off a bit because I had forgotten that I was going to post this video of a performance I did at the same time as the gallery I performed with. I immediately had to sit down and spin out a quick instagram post1.
In the midst of feeling pulled away and distracted I got ushered by my coworker I was taking over from who showed me the load-out that the crew who came in had done. He showed me all these lights and some audio stuff, but in particular I was struck by a great number of washing machines and dryers which peppered the venue. When I actually walked into the main hall I found myself in the midst of a slideshow with the current slide titled Lets Defer Estate Tax — Good Luck IRS!2
The presenter was animated and engaging and was railing on how important estate planning is. The example he was in the middle of was his preference for putting one’s money in a sheltered fund which pays off in such a way to minimize inheritance tax. He was adding also that he knew when he died that scammers and thieves were going to come out of the woodwork to target his wife, whose relative ignorance of the company’s finances would make her a possible vector for fraud.
He started then to talk about how important it was to accept one’s mortality. He said that he had accepted that he would one day die, and in spite of how much he loved life, and his industry3 and so on, he had to reckon with the basic impermanence of existence. For this reason, he said, you should start working on your trust sooner rather than later. It helps you face things you never wanted to consider, but that are nevertheless problems.
Afterwards there was supposed to be the keystone event- which was going to be a demonstration of how to program a new coin operated laundry unit, but this was cancelled. I was told by the production team that everyone came in for the earlier discussion on basic investment strategies. I gathered that the guests were laundromat equipment distributors. We get a good number of these events of bourgeois rent seekers coming together at the hotel, and they’re full of the exact kind of people one could expect.
I always want these people to surprise me by how evil or inspiring or anything but banal they are, but they rarely do4. Whenever I see these groups of rent seekers (which is precisely, in the case of laundry machine distributors and financiers, what these people are) I feel left out. Should I be doing something arcane and specific that just pulls in money? Am I too stupid to have a job like that? Of course on the other side of it I can think of myself as a real person who offers a variety of services (or at certain points in my life, is involved in the manufacturing of goods) which people pay for. I can wrap my head around that worth that I am paid for. I’m eliminating the part of the equation where I sell my time in the pursuit of these things, but I still feel better knowing why exactly I am being valued and for it to not just feel like a scam.
At the same time, these people are clearly idiots, and I don’t think they’re any harder working than me. They just do seem happier and less encumbered. The guy was talking about how much ‘the industry’ had given to him and his family, how much he cared about the people working in it. The laundry distribution ‘industry’? It makes me feel a bit petty and small that I have apparently made so many choices to work on things that are “meaningful” or “interesting” because that basically amounts to irrationally taking a lower income for prestige. It would be a bit forgivable if I was succeeding in my vague efforts, but it currently doesn’t feel that way.
One other notable thing was that one of their slides looked like this:
The whole thing felt carnivalesque and surreal. The washing machines were going the whole time with no heat on, flipping a bunch of purpose-bought microfiber clothes. It makes me want to reevaluate my life, but my mind draws a blank other than my new anxiety about not talking to an estate planning lawyer.
I can’t find coverage for the shift I’m scheduled during the day I’m supposed to play the show, this Sunday. I have a feeling that it means I won’t be able to do it. Its forgivable to not be able to play a show, but I don’t think I can forego any opportunity that comes by. It doesn’t feel like I’m making any progress. My diary isn’t doing that well, and I haven’t gotten any subscribers in a good while. My instagram posts are failing, I’m too busy looking after consortiums of laundry magnates to play shows, I can’t get enough production work, I’m no closer to making my film. I didn’t hear back from the last publication I submitted to. I feel like I’m flailing a little bit. I need to get some sort of focus or an objective that really grabs me.
1 Currently it has a grand total of 18 likes, which is a bit depressing
2 I’m sure its a bad idea to give these job related specifics but I think its probably fine in this case.
3 I assume his industry is laundry related, but I’m still not precisely sure what it is.
4 I was told, on the contrary, that during the previous night (which I didn’t work), an individual started chanting “USA! USA!” at the bar and then got into some sort of racially motivated altercation, but I missed the fun.
Nothing to say of any literary value. I’m sweating a lot in the coat check of the hotel. I haven’t really had any thoughts of note today, and I certainly haven’t had any mentionable experiences. The summer is here and things are mainly the same in most significant ways. There are a lot of people in the part of Williamsburg where the hotel is. It makes me feel left out of the special sunny Saturday many people seem to having.
I’m concerned I wont be able to find any Zyn for a while- the bodegas near my house don’t have it, and today the bodega near my work ran out. I guess theres a zynpocalypse1 happening.
I first found out about the problem when I tried to buy some from my neighborhood deli. The guy said “No more Zyn. It’s over.” I exclaimed, “Oh my god! What happened?” and he said “I don’t know. You should know, not me.”
I guess that’s fair, though I looked up “zyn out of business” and “zyn banned” and found out that Zyn is doing remarkably well. It seems rather than being over, they are victimized by their own success- the latest in the recent series of supply chain hiccups. This one’s pretty digestible- they couldn’t scale up production fast enough to meet runaway demand. Zyn got really popular really fast.
In the meantime, my friend2 at the deli who lied to me and told me Zyn was kaputz sold me this zynlike thing called Fre.
The Fre is fine, its just like Zyn but has twice as much nicotine. I don’t mind using it but I don’t know how I’m going to go around buying it3.
I wrote all that out at work two days ago and assumed I would come back and add a lot, but there isn’t too much to say. Since then I went to the park for someone’s birthday and then started getting ready for a show coming up next Sunday. I’m not that prepared for it, and I’m not very inspired, but it isn’t that big of a deal. Genevieve was also asked to read, but then when they published the flyer the girl running it decided to put her name big on the the top as one of the ‘presenters’ which seems strange. I guess she’s trying to cash in on whatever clout genevieve has around this stupid town.
1 Shortage in the pre-retailer supply chain.
2 I do think we’ve reached a more intimate relationship as a result of my emotive response to his zynlessness, as evidenced by the fact that the last time I went in there this woman was trying to buy some brand of blunt wraps they didn’t have, and when she left he looked at me and rolled his eyes as to say pshh get a load of this!
3 For one thing I don’t know how its pronounced. I’ve been saying ‘freh’ [fɹɛ] bc its the funnier way to say it, but I assume it’s supposed to be pronounced ‘free’ [fɹi], as in ‘free from cigarettes.’
Gen stayed out all night with her friends and so I woke up at 5 confused but she had texted me. I went back to sleep a little bit but don’t feel super rested. I was supposed to go to the hotel today but I got an email from them before my shift that the times had been reversed. I was offered to come in and get the hours anyway but I can only imagine how pointless whatever stupid make-work1 thing they’d have me do would feel, so I decided to take the day off.
Genevieve said we should go to the beach, which sounded nice. I went to meet up with her and the people she was with. I didn’t really think about the context of it all- meaning in particular that she was with a bunch of people who were up all night drinking and everything. I met up with her and two of her loudest friends and everyone was drinking when I got there and I felt immediately a bit like I was tagging along on other people’s bender. The plan to go to the beach was immediately altered after several hours of hanging out in a couple dark dimes square bars to take the ferry to Redhook. When I’m in this situation I’m a good sport- its just hard not to totally feel like I wasted this day to follow around a bunch of people having a really fun raucous time at some bars. Genevieve asked me a few times if I was annoyed or if I’m grumpy or whatever which is always worse because I don’t feel like it would be reasonable or helpful to say yes. I also don’t know what would have fixed my annoyance, and I didn’t want to take the dramatic step of deciding to leave in the middle of the day by myself.
At a certain point prior to today I would probably feel left out and jealous but now I just feel a bit out of place and alienated. Genevieve took me aside and checked in which is nice, but it made me assume that I’d been acting like a grouch and a spoilsport. Maybe I had been, I’m not sure. I do think I’m overall becoming more surly and irritable. I havent really felt that comfortable or enjoyable socializing in a good while. I also get positive reinforcement when I’m surly. People find it charming and funny, which of course only makes me more annoyed. I said I felt like I was wasting my time and I think it implied that I would rather be doing something else productive. I assume if I had stayed home and tried to accomplish something I wouldve felt an immense pressure to be incredibly productive, which not only wouldve failed, but also made me feel like an unsociable loser and a grouch and spoilsport.
Catch 22- similarly I felt like I couldn’t leave even though I didnt want to be around them anymore. They just got drunk and we went to another bar and I ate alaskan king crab (which did make me much happier for a time) and then they got more and more excitable and drunk until people started looking at us. I said I was gonna get the last ferry when it was coming time and the crew started to come with me and they stole an oversized moscow mule cup and a golf club. I saw the waitstaff looking sort of irritated and aghast as they screamed in titillation and walked off with these worthless trinkets. It just felt embarrassing and entitled.
I’m partly sincerely jealous of the ability not to care about other’s thoughts to the point where I could yell and steal stuff. Maybe I had that when I was drinking, but in my memory I mostly became inwardly focused, self hating, strange, and insecure- a big part of the reason I drank mostly alone and then eventually only used solid chemicals. I never really drank in bars even when alcohol was working for me. It just seemed like almost as much of a waste of time as it does to me now. I liked to drink and do the normal regular stuff I do throughout the day, and bars seemed like a contrived and silly waste of time. I fear constantly that I think of myself as above other people, or that I have a rarefied sense that I’m extremely unique, specially endowed, or even just particularly strange. I think what I’m writing comes across that way. I think in particular because I’m complaining about the fun had by some hot cool girls I must seem sort of Chuck Palahnuck, but I guess so be it.
I wish I was having a good time all the time. I think I’m remarkably easy going, but I’ve been recently more bothered by other’s behavior, and have been pulling back from certain things. I think today sounds fun in its bare description- I love taking the ferry, I like the idea of going to redhook and eating crab on a summer day off work, catching views of the sunset behind the financial district from the middle of the east river on the way back. I had a stupid and mildly miserable time. My first girlfriend back in high school didn’t say that much that I remember, but something I always think about was when I was in children’s rehab and she was having a bad time in Paris and she was trying to get me to understand her plight, which seemed at the time to pale in comparison to my ordeal. She said that it never matters what you do it only matters who you’re with. Its not a particularly profound statement, but many true statements don’t happen to also feel profound. I like all the people I was with- I bear no ill will towards them, and noone did anything wrong (except for petty theft and public drunkenness). In particular noone brought anything negative to bear against me. Nonetheless I was disturbed and irritated and brought down in spirits by the events of the day.
Genevieve and I aren’t bickering about it but she feels bummed out that she ‘ruined my day’. In the morning she apologized to me in a way that made it clear that I had made her feel bad, which I didn’t want to do. There isn’t a clear thing that I could advocate for now or in the future, it was just a situation which didn’t go my way and was inconvenient and uncomfortable. The same could be said about the vast majority of situations I’ve been in throughout my life.
After we got back to the mainland, I let them bring the most over-served2 among them back to her house for safekeeping while I got the train back to my house. Kevin asked me to go see him and Gunner at a restaurant around the corner. The invitation came at a good time. While I was walking back I was thinking how I had totally mismanaged the sheer fact of being a social being, and I had made acquaintances only with the dregs of the human species, but I was then proved to not be correct. The next morning I just didn’t feel that sour about it at all. Today I’m working an event, and probably could find something to do out in the city after I get off work, but I feel already like leaning towards doing nothing at all3.
1 I have a good job all told, but I really am struggling with how much of it feels asinine and wasteful. It makes me aware of how improperly sorted all this energy has been by first world society.
2 Genevieve also sort of pushed back on me complaining about some of her behavior which I found disturbing and discomfortable, because she has been undergoing a bad period in her life, the details of which I will not disclose even without her identity. Maybe I was being unfair, but I don’t generally think bad of people for getting really wasted. Lord knows I love it, but I just don’t like being around it. I’ve never felt good at all with the overfamiliarity of the intoxicated, and I’m not equipped to handle the extreme vacillations of emotional tenor that it can elicit. Sometimes it seems a fitting punishment for me specifically to sit with an acquaintance in the advanced stages of getting drunk as hell, because I’m sure I have put many people through the very same torture, and I probably still disturb some with my own vacillations in intimacy and emotional tone within a conversation.
3 I ended up getting out in time to go to an AA meeting, which was only notable because I saw a guy I havent seen in a while and he told me how he had travelled to Japan with his parents and had hired many different sex workers. I would never in a million years tell anyone I did this. I am doubtful I would ever hire a prostitute, but I certainly would never volunteer this information to anyone. crazy ass world, this
This morning I thought that I had fully beaten my brain eating amoeba, but I’ve been feeling it root around in there. I just feel abject and groggy like I have been feeling a lot recently (due to brain eating amoeba). I have a little bit of time to kill before I go to this meeting, and I’m trying to be productive in a variety coffeeshop, but its really loud. My head was already hurting and feeling weird and the environment is only making it worse.
I’m trying to think of what I can write that will have real literary value, and I’m coming up supremely blank. They’re playing that hmmm what you say song really loud in this Variety. My great desire is to give up on today, but I have to go to this meeting, and also I’ve felt guilty for all the days I’ve gave up on recently. I’ve been invited (second hand) to play mahjong with an acquaintance tonight. I want to want to go but I already would like to lie down and close my eyes. My head feels so strange. I wish I had some insight to my condition, but I fear it can’t be anything other than a brain eating amoeba.
It’s so loud in this variety. I feel like I’m underneath a viscous liquid and theres a large amount of pressure on my ears. I would like to be trepanned to relieve all this fetid standing water which has apparently been sloshing around in my brain. I feel like at any moment my septum could twitch slightly and release a few tablespoons of foul smelling liquid which has been trapped up in my head festering.
Maybe its allergies.
My brain eating amoeba continues to eat tiny portions of my brain. Luckily he is so small that he won’t make much of a difference. Nonetheless my head is killing me and I’m working through a long period of absolute uselessness. I don’t know why I’ve been sick for so long, but my respiratory illness has shifted to a horrid headache and a sensation of my head being full of putrid liquid. I think I may have actually given myself a sinus infection, which was exactly what I was worried about. I’ve been doing some meager writing, but nothing like what I had hoped for after returning from Europe. It’s been 10 days back and what do I have to show for my time. Summer is zipping by, and I’ve spent most of it wallowing. Hate this. My house is a mess, I’m exhausted. Mainly my head is just killing me. I need this brain eating amoeba out of my head soon.
I’ve been less prone to update the diary because I’ve been working on the website version of it- I’ve gotten it to scrape images and audio files and some formatting in a way that I like, but I think video files will be much more challenging1. I am putting a lot of effort into something with minimal returns, but thats life I guess. I might procrastinating finishing some writing by doing this coding stuff. For whatever reason I can beat my head against the wall trying to fix nextjs problems but won’t write a couple pages of this play. I already feel behind from my goals for the summer because of my brain eating amoeba. Don’t want to let myself get discouraged. Today and tomorrow I will put effort towards getting back on the saddle.
1 They are stored in blob storage and served dynamically, so I can’t just scrape html from Substack. I might even have to just load any videos separately onto my website and load them from that. It all depends on how committed I am to making the diary multimedia. It might be better to just focus on text anyway. Sound is a little bit silly to include, but maybe text and images any hyperlinks would be enough. I need to also finish migrating automatically substack’s formatting like block quotes and lists and so on.
Infuriating amount of mucus in the various crevices of my head. Despite this the malaise and fatigue have lifted. I regret spending my only free weekend day for a while resting. Makes me feel pathetic, and aware of summer slipping by as I refuse to fully enjoy it. Hopefully in the next day or so I will be fully recovered.
I wrote all those lines hours earlier. Now I feel exhausted and strange. At work at a wedding. I fear my attempt to clear my sinuses by squirting saline solution from an oral syringe has backfired, and I know suffer from a brain eating ameoba. I was warned about this but I didn’t listen. If these entries stop suddenly in 61 days you know that I have been at last felled by an ameoba. I am equally worried I have forced rhinovirus into my sinuses, ensuring two weeks of a sinus infection incurable by antibiotics. Maybe I even just got a covid infection following the cold- my strange brain state would be explained by that idiosyncratic respiratory infection.
My friend invited me to a ‘sunday roast,’ which would be a perfect solution to my recent sense of FOMO, comorbid with my bodilly illness. I am really really ready to not be sick anymore. My cold has possibly been the worst thing to happen to anyone. It’s lucky I am as resilient as I am.
1 I looked it up, and naegleriasis takes about this long to progress to a serious state, and death rapidly follows.
Still sick, hopefully rounding the bend on the infection though. My friend has convinced me to go to a book launch. I’m also invited to a seperate book launch but even the people who are putting it on seem annoyed by the whole thing. I hope I won’t regret losing the chance to rest and recover.
Yesterday1 I worked this little film festival at the hotel, and it went fine all things considered. It honestly may have been the easiest shift I’ve ever had there. The festival’s tagline was “Art is Better When it Movies.”
Pretty clunky piece of copy, that. It makes slightly more sense in the context of the trailers which preceded the three features: each was a little introductary short film which featured someone in an art gallery examining a painting. A voiceover would narrate their inner thoughts as they described a movie that the painting could plausibly be a stilll from, or otherwise a movie plot which the painting might inspire. Then, a title appeared which said “Art is better when it moves.” Shortly thereafter the last word stretched in a little animation to become “Movies.”
Whatever. I think its a strange idea to compare the two art forms, and it felt a little insulting to the true function of good painting, but it was a cute enough little introduction video.
However- the painting featured in the third and final of these trailers was a work by Hieronymus Bosch entitled Jakob the Scribe. I love Bosch. We all love Bosch, he’s great. Excellent painter. I figured I knew about every significant Bosch work, and I have a particular liking to many of his paintings. For this reason I was surprised to see Jacob the Scribe, a painting I had never seen before. I was quite taken by it too- it featured a large man (the scribe) in the center left, speaking to a woman whose head was made out of a barn. A woman in the background was screaming furiously at the pair. Very weird, surreal image with a striking composition. I really liked it. I tried to look it up to see more and take a closer look, but I couldn’t find it. I googled “Jakob the Scribe Hieronymus Bosch” and nothing came up. I tried some variations on the name and then tried “Hieronymus Bosch Woman Head Barn Painting” or something and found nothing as well.
I eventually looked through every single surviving Hieronymus Bosch painting, but found that none looked even remotely like what I saw. I searched for other paintings named “Jacob the Scribe,” but none seem to exist.
The only thing I did find was this Austrian/Slovenian visionary and mystic named Jakob Lorber. I am going to look into him in case I am being called to find him, but in the meantime I cannot find this painting. I don’t think it exists. I looked for other paintings involving a woman whose head is a barn, but I have yet to find any.
Very curious. I don’t know why they didn’t use a real Hieronymus Bosch painting, as they are all generally well liked and recognizable. Alternatively why didnt the film festival choose another painting by a different painter? Were they unable to use any extant paintings for rights issues? Did they make the painting with AI?
I won’t be able to find the answers to these questions, unless I email the coordinators. I suppose that wouldn’t be an unreasonable thing to do, but the main contact seemed to be in a bad mood when I spoke to her.
The weird thing about the search for the missing Bosch is that something incredibly similar happened to me over my trip to Europe. When I visited Wawel Castle in Krakow I saw in their collection a nice Bosch triptych I had never seen before, but that looked similar to other triptychs. Later at some point I was trying to show someone the triptych and I realized I couldn’t find it. There were some with similar elements, but none that looked the same. I knew because I had a picture of it on my phone. Similarly to yesterday I searched through every single Bosch painting that is still around and couldn’t find it. I found some that had similar elements- which made me feel like I was going insane. It seemed like a combination of The Last Judgement and The Garden of Earthly Delights.
I had to resort to looking through the collection of Wawel Castle until I could find it. It turns out that the painting I saw was this one:
As it turns out, what I had seen was a painting titled The Last Judgement credited to Naśladowca Hieronymus Bosch, which in Polish means “Imitator of Hieronymus Bosch.” Bosch was very popular and apparently had many people trying to remake his distinctive style as well as to profit of his popularity. I’m always curious how the spread of aesthetic and visual culture worked back before mass networking technologies, so I can’t totally understand what it even means to be an imitator of such a rarefied type of production. Nonetheless I still have a weird Bosch mystery to solve, and I’m not precisely sure how. It’s fitting that its Bosch, given his surreal and eschatological subject matter- it makes my confusion feel much more monumental than it is.
1 I think the best way to push the medium of substack (and not Medium) would be to start hyperlinking to myself. I’ve been trying to start thinking about the diary as a more coherant project now that its been going for over a year, and I think trying to keep track of throughlines and the long term plot elements of my life would go a long way towards this. I’m already finding footnotes useful as a way to multithread narratives together, like this footnote for example, but I think it ought to be done at a higher organizational level as well. I worry about the difficulty of navigating hyperlinks to the website. I can imagine a way to do it- just replace urls with javascript anchors, but I’m really lagging on finishing the diary auto updater, and havent manually updated in several days for fear of dealing with blank pictures and so on.
Besides my illness I’m back in the throes and tedium of my normal life. I feel neutral being back. I was worried that I would be depressed at my return to the quotidian and American, but (again, besides my illness) things have felt reasonably okay. Its been helpful that I’ve had some work to come back to, and some work popping up immediately upon my return.
Besides that, I’ve retained a bit of the sense of enchantment one gets when traveling. I’m beginning to suspect that there is something supernatural about the subway stop near my house. The first thing I noticed was a fluorescent lightbulb acting in a way I wasn’t aware they could- similar to the arc of electricity across a tube of noble gas.
I took a video to ask my friends who knew more about lighting and also physics what might be happening, but I haven’t gotten an explanation.
It reminds me of another electrical malfunction I used to watch a lot waiting for the L train at Broadway junction, when I used to live off the L- there are two LED street lights overlooking the broad sleeping quarters of the NYC buses which are either getting inadequate power, or are otherwise on some sort of malfunctioning circuit, and they flicker in an interesting chaotic pattern which seems to go in and out of phase. I always wanted to record this and do some analysis as to the actual wave functions, but I never did and probably never will.
I believe this fluorescent phenomenon in the video occurs because unequal heat distribution in the gas medium inside the tube creates an unequal pattern of resistance, and as the current follows the path of least resistance it pushes the heat differential around. I got curious if I could replicate it reliably, but the problem with this is that its self stabilizing. Maybe if I ran either a coolant or a warming apparatus along a line of the tube I could make it stable, but I’m not sure.
I find it quite beautiful either way, and am glad I noticed it. It’s felt in general that I’ve been more attentive to my surroundings, and I credit the habits one takes with them on foreign travels.
I think often of the absolute social need for reenchantment in this era which feel vacuated with meaning. I like the sensation of seeing interesting things in the relative mundanity around me. This impulse is why I felt necessary to argue (with myself) about Tao Lin’s antimaterialism. I just think its too important a matter to accept anything that isn’t suffused with truth. Too many alternatives to seeing ourselves merely as biological automata on a gigantic stone strike me as wishful thinking, or worse yet, dangerous superstition.
Today, on my way to work, I saw a little bit of a disturbing sight that stopped me dead. A dead pigeon with its foot caught on some sort of string or twine was hanging from one of the i-beams.
It reminded me for an instant of the horrific images I see out of Juarez, where the victims of the narcos hang from overpasses as a warning. I don’t think this bird is the victim of a pigeon cartel, but the gruesome oddity of the pigeon corpse happening to be caught by the foot on a wire. So, mixed results from my recent attentive openness. Will be interested to see if this continues.
Today I’m at the hotel for a screening. I resent the fact that I have to be here while being so sick but I’m just going to have to play three movies, which is similar to what I might have done if I stayed home. I worry that the films will be bad, in which case it will be a worse shift than if I were overrun by tasks.
Still sick. I’ve been playing too much chess to the point that the Chess.com interface is burned into the back of my mind. I’ve had similar phenomena with other games, and I know that people have described it with tetris, but I don’t like chess in particular because its too mentally engaging. I can see various combinations of pieces in my head, but I either don’t know the game well enough or am simply not a chess genius enough to have anything useful going on up there- its just a minor visual hallucination of a jumble of game pieces taking each other in different combinations.
I did finish Molloy today. Probably one of the best books I’ve ever read. Really captures the tragicomedy of existence in the way I aspire to when making anything narrative. I found it really inspiring. Hopefully I’ll have more to say on that tomorrow but I feel a bit feverish and my through aches. I think I have to work tomorrow despite my illness, which is disappointing and foreboding.
Submitted some work to a magazine, but am not getting my hopes up. Also I got several hundred dollars to make a meme for a corporate account. Not a total waste of a day, but I’m restless and tired of being ill.
Started feeling sick during the Tao Lin lecture. I’m aware of many cases of covid around and was worried about that, but it seems to be only a wretched cold. I've heard (and felt) that colds are getting worse. I’ve heard that this will be the hottest summer yet. I’ve heard that right wing authoritarianism is ascendent. I’ve heard the Russians are going to spread westward. I’ve heard the left is out of control. I’ve heard the left is too weak and facile to accomplish needed goals.
I’m distressed about being sick primarily because it has stifled my desire to be incredibly productive and impressive this summer. I feel a strong urge to get many many impressive career and creative achievements accomplished in the next three months, desperate as I am to make something of myself, but its been too easy for the duel fatigue of rhinopharyngitis and jet-lag to lull me back into a diet of Star Trek and sleeping and also several Hungarian sausages I smuggled back from Budapest.
The sausages are very good, but I don’t have much energy for the things I had planned to do. Today I need to run by Earth to do some vague work/onboarding stuff and I fear it will take all of my energy to do so. I won’t pretend that its a very very bad cold which is rendering me unable to thrive, but I will admit that I can be quite indolent when I have the excuse, and I am like every other boy out there who loves to pity themselves during a routine illness.
I met with the Earth people and got keys, and I got a good paying gig to make a meme for some company. Mainly my head and throat hurt but I will persevere in the long run. Thank you dear reader for bearing witness to my struggle.
The notable thing that happened recently was I worked a Tao Lin event for Earth. I will plainly admit I don’t understand the Tao Lin phenomenon. I started not understanding it as a young man, when Urban Outfitters started selling the provocatively titled “Shoplifting From American Apparel”. I remember first seeing this in the Urban Outfitters near the UT Coop in Austin I lived in for a summer despite not attending school. I don’t know why I would’ve gone into an Urban Outfitters, and I don’t believe I’ve ever bought any clothes from them.
I remember at some point learning that Tao Lin was also involved in something called Alt-Lit, and read something he had published online (most likely in Vice). The terse, hyper-minimal prose is what struck me. I lumped all of these things (hyper minimal style, vice, alt lit, and urban outfitters) into the natural category of things I wasn’t cool enough to understand. Later I would learn that Urban Outfitters wasn’t cool. Sometime after that I learned that Vice was also not cool.
At some point I read a bit of Taipei but it didnt really hold my interest and I dont remember what it was about, but I don’t remember that it seemed bad to me.
On Saturday, I was on the other side of all that, in a chair marked ‘reserved,’ front and center for the Tao Lin lecture. I was working the sound and stream and that kind of thing. Now that I was a colleague of Mr Lin, I assumed I would be cool enough to get it but I don’t know if I did.
The lecture itself was an exposition on Tao’s thoughts on DMT and Near Death Experiences, and also about Tao changing worldviews from the materialism he was raised to believe in to his new found spirituality.
I guess I have had a similar trajectory in phenomenological philosophy- after I had discovered that Christian Science Prayer didn’t work (not going to get into it at this point because its not relevant to explain too much) as I was promised, I basically formed a materialist sense of the world. I now have really relaxed that sense, and it corresponds similarly to a way Tao described his current investment in the sense of wonder. I basically have put prior to materialism the notion that I do not know. I take my lack of omnipotence as an important first principle towards any epistemological claim. I really live in that fundamental lack of knowledge these days.
Nonetheless, when I see materialism challenged as such I feel a sense I must rush to its defense. I just don’t usually see anyone who challenges the materialist worldview coming at it with anything remotely convincing at all. I really want to be someone who has a more interesting cosmology than a materialist one, but I may just not be able to b that person. The only non-materialist knowledge I really choose to make something I believe in comes from people pretty studied in organized religion. Tao Lin also said some vague things about how organized religion was bad (because of something he kept terming ‘dominator culture’) but also seemed to imply it was worse to not believe in religion at all.
His basic thing about why materialism wasn’t real was that the Big Bang “doesn’t make sense” because dark matter is ad hoc. I do remember going through the same realization as him at one point, namely that the term “dark matter” does not refer to any sort of positively identified substance out there in the universe, but rather merely refers to the discrepancy between the predicted total mass of the universe and the scientifically observed mass.
Dark energy is similar, but referring to the size of the observable universe and the velocity of the various massive objects. It is a pretty big hole in the explanation of the current understanding of the universe. This, however, doesn’t really do any kind of work to disprove materialism per se to me- if “the science community” came together and did a press release tomorrow and said that they now think the big bang is all wrong, and the universe is just the way it is because of some sort of new particle out there or some kind of extremely powerful entity or whatever force, completely different from our previous understanding of things, its still a materialist explanation.
Tao Lin is actually too invested in an idealistic view of Science as such. This is why I put the “scientific community” in scare quotes- because Tao did a thing most people do when talking about scientific knowledge, which is to refer to it as a monolithic force, rather than a socially embedded process of claims with various types of evidence. Tao said that physics “doesn’t make sense” as is, which is probably true. I believe that physicists would agree with that statement, which is why there are still physicists with careers built on trying to make it make sense.
Tao’s stuff on DMT just reminded me of every DMT person I’ve ever talked to- which is just a sort of “DMT made me realize such and such is such and such a way, so just trust me because I can’t explain it.” Strangely, Tao didn’t seem to have any need to talk about DMT other than that seems to be what made him want to expand the types of evidence he would entertain. In particular he started reading near death experience books.
Tao brought up the fact that people’s experience of NDE has likely given people the original fodder for animist religions, ideas of the afterlife, magical ideas, and so on. These, he claimed, transmuted themselves into organized religion (but through a fundamental distortion by way of ‘dominator culture’). This is a compelling thought, but it ignores the changing ways in which immersive hallucinatory experiences (including NDE’s, drug trips, and what are now called alien abduction stories) have changed so dramatically throughout human history. Tao claims (after new age claims) that the phenomena of these events have remained consistent, but that isn’t really true. They share an interesting through-line, but the content appears to me to merely change along with collective cultural references- animal spirits to gods to angels to aliens and now to internet connected machine elves.
Two examples I think about a lot are Swedenborg and William Dudley Pelley. The former example is an 18th century Swedish inventor with an interest in Protestant theological development who became a mystic and began an influential alt-Christian sect after he started experiencing the ability to visit Heaven and Hell, converse with angels, receive messages from Jesus and God, and was appointed to reform christianity.
Swedenborg’s New Church (usually now referred to as Swedenborgianism) was an offshoot of Lutheranism, and its pretty lovey dovey. God is never angry, he’s all love. He also said a lot of stuff which was close to Tao’s ad hoc theology which he described at a bit of length- this world is a small part of the larger spiritual world, which is made up of enveloping dimensions. This world is something like a test or practice. Swedenborg seems to be where a bit of this new agey stuff comes from.
Another big influence on New Age stuff is one of my favorite guys, William Dudley Pelley. William Dudley Pelley was a science fiction writer with limited success, who found his attempts to be a successful screenwriter frustrated. Acquaintances tell of his blaming the Jews in Hollywood in particular for his lack of career. Sometime after that he began his own out of body experiences which led him to regions of the afterlife.
The reason I think Pelley is interesting is that he’s a sort of perfect midpoint between the cultural positioning of Angels and Aliens. He was contacted by beings of pure light, which brought him up onto in elevated space away from pain, and who showed him the true nature of the universe. Pelley’s version of these beings are nordic tall blonde haired hunks who brought him into a cold sterile column of marble and showed him around, teaching him about the true nature of reality. He learned that Jews and Negroes and other Untermensch were of course less pure souls than white people, who were slightly less pure than angels. You can kind of imagine the rest. Anyway, after these experiences he went to start the totally “dominator culture” Silver Legion, which was a pro Hitler American political organization with cool uniforms. It was mildly successful but not overly so, especially after he was put in jail for sedition after America came to decide the Fuhrer was bad. This is also where a lot of the Ascended Master stuff comes from, as well as some of the more right-wing hippy new age crystal stuff you see on the west coast in particular.
I feel like I’ve already just been writing a long screed disagreeing with Tao Lin, which itself has limited utility, but nonetheless I want to talk about his claims of Dominator Culture. He mentioned Dominator Culture a couple times, first in the context of its development out of the switch from a human Matriarchy to a Patriarchal system dominated by men who realized they were stronger than Women.
I’ve heard this story a lot, and I think a lot of people I know take it to be settled history, but it just doesn’t seem to actually be true. At least it isn’t supported by any specific evidence other than myths from various cultures. There are scant matriarchal societies today, though they do exist. Among the Khasi people of northern India, women run the households. The Musuo Women of China practice Tibetan buddhism and have matrilinear family lines.
Nothing in itself disproves that these weren’t the rule at one point, but currently the most you can say is that a specific set of roughly patriarchal to very patriarchal societies currently dominate the globe in terms of area and population.
The existence of currently existing matriarchal societies (along with subcultural and other variation, as well as societies with egalitarian gender roles) seems to say at most that societies have a number of variable ways of regulating gender and sexual norms.
Looking into it just now I learned that the patriarchy-out-of-matriarchy thing was developed in modern times out of a Greek mythos by Johann Jakob Bachofen, whose postulation was basically that the patriarchy was a righteous evolution out of a Motherly Ur-religion (boys rule and girls drool!), a sort of inversion of Tao Lin’s claims of the fall from the Ur-religion’s grace. Tao used the term Dominator Culture, which was popularized by a feminist author named Rane Eisler. In my cursory view it seems like Eisler’s claims contain something more nuanced and historically based than the simple total-patriarchy-replacing-natural-matriarchy noble savage content, but I can’t say anything more about them not having read her work.
Again, I didn’t really set out to make a critique of Tao Lin’s lecture or anything, but I found it alienating that people were so enraptured by low quality arguments based on on-the-face specious evidence (and yes, ad hoc) reasoning. In particular I found it jarring that the Q and A was mainly people raising questions like: “Do you think the spirit world is such and such?” and Tao Lin merely saying sagely “Yes, that makes sense to me” or “No, that is wrong.” I feel a bit like I’m pincered between Scientism/Atheism/Nihilism on one side and WooWoo New Age nonsense on the other already, so my hackles were raised at this total lack of what I thought was our consensus understanding of reality. Nonetheless, I am aware that I don’t understand the Tao Lin phenomenon, so I suppose I wasn’t really the target audience. It’s probably stupid of me to write all this because I like his imprint, and I would like for them to potentially publish me at some point.
The good thing that happened at the lecture was that one of the people who run Earth seems not only interested in me helping out regularly, but also potentially for more roles like programming and event planning, given the power vacuum that exists now that Dean is indisposed.
I’ve been hit by an ungodly wave of jetlag. I should’ve known it was coming, but by ignoring the inevitable I thought I could just breeze through it. Instead I just fell asleep at 8pm the night I got home, and 7pm the 31st. I did wake up the 31st with a burst of energy and began running again, which is something that I’ve been meaning to do. I also got some writing done, which is another goal of mine for the immediate future. Now, on the other hand, I can’t imagine writing too much more of this entry, even though I have no right to be this tired, even in the Magyar time zone.
Maybe its the horrible new york air, or being apart from the beautiful life-giving Danube. It might just be depression raining back down on me returning to my normal life outside of the confines of a european vacation.
Leaving Europe. Have a horrible headache on the flight. I’ve been told that flying makes people feel icky because of the increased stellar radiation, usually more attenuated by the atmosphere nearer the surface. I keep intending to experiment with iodine supplementation to see if that helps, as it should absorb some of it. I have no idea if that would work, not knowing enough about either iodine or radiation.
I don’t have any conclusions about my vacation. It seems like I learned a lot of discrete facts about society and history and also art and architecture. I was hoping I would be struck by a grand conclusion on my position in the grand arc of the West, modernity, the new millenium, and know exactly what to do with myself for all of the rest of my life. This didn’t seem to happen. I already feel FOMO for Alyssa, who is still in Warsaw, because she posted pictures of a Soviet era polish modernist Church I didn’t get to go to.
I am taking the war in russia more seriously. The Poles are worried about it, possibly in part due to their historical mistrust.
Returning to New York the Ukraine war fades out of mind in place of the one in Gaza— I’m seeing this uncanny AI image that everyone was posting- the newest show of support. I’m not the first to remark on the weirdness of it, and I’m then seeing the predictable snide argument about the image.
Everyone is saying its like the black box but its a little weirder even. Theres a much more concrete politics thats happening in comparison to the movement in search of a political program the whole BLM thing was. Depressingly, the response is the same as the image- its all just posting. Me writing my substack about how its all just posting is just posting- only its worse because I’m posting about the fact that its posting. It all accentuates a feeling of dreadful powerlessness against the great and terrible spectacle which has invaded our consciousness. I wish my mind was still wandering about the mighty Danube, but alas I am bearing witness. I’m going to give some money to evacuation funds. I don’t know what else I could do.
I feel particularly guilty being some rich kid after my conversation yesterday at the spa, so the least I could do is some donating. Sell off some of my inheritance to give a pittance to the third world.
I’m trying to feel less guilty and more lucky for my situation. Its the only way to not feel spoiled. I got to spend three weeks in Eastern Europe without worrying about dire financial strain. I try to take at least a little comfort in the fact that I’m seeking out things in the world- understanding the various things that are out there. It’s better surely than hedonistic consumption.
By the same token I think I’ve internalized some things about “travel.” I’ve always thought the glorification of travel to be a bit silly. A lot of it can be explained away by it being a class marker. Travel might just be the absolute highest form of consumption and nothing more. It might just be a difference of taste that I saw first hand the ottoman and magyar influence on the medieval buda castle, rather than hung out at an infinity pool or took a huge quantity of ecstasy on a yacht or something.
Travelling does impart the feeling of importance. It’s hard not to imagine yourself being a subject when you’re in such impressive locales doing rarefied things in exotic lands. Its easy to feel like a protagonist on vacation, a feeling that is assaulted by the necessities of non-vacation life.
This morning I woke at 4 to beautiful birdsong in the very impressive room were staying in. I tried to capture both to mixed success.
This was the light through the trees onto our vaulted ceiling. The more impressive aspect was the manner in which the cast shadows moved:
I’m not sure. It was 4 in the morning but I found it quite breathtaking at the time.
This is the call I heard- which according to my brief cross reference of youtube videos of birdcalls of the Buda forests might be some Hawfinches?
Anna’s house is quite beautiful- its a set of three apartments with a multigenerational residency of her extended family. I was told it was an architecture project by her mother funded by money hidden1 from the nazi regime through the time on the soviets and then ultimately distributed after his death.
The house itself is in Buda, which is the part of Budapest to the west of the Danube (it seems a bit ridiculous and Dr Seuss-y that this is the naming convention of the city). We went down towards the Danube in a street car because we wanted to utilize the Sulphuric baths, which are a common as well as age worn activity for the residents of Budapest.
Before entering the Gellért Sauna we found ourselves in front of this church embedded into a cave next door. The cave-church was originally created by a hermit out of the same sulphuric muddy springs (the sáros fürdő) which feed the sauna baths. I know about this because I remember reading about it when I was researching Hungary. I learned nothing in the strange cave museum. The main thing I remember is that the entire thing was made of concrete, presumably a reconstruction of its original visage, but less likely to collapse on the numerous visitors.
A part of me continues to feel dispossessed of the world when I see that we can no longer look at it in the way the hermit did. Going into the saunas I had no belief that there was a particularly non-symbolic medical value to the mineral water. I enjoyed the sensual aspects of it (I love a sauna), but I couldn’t even suspend my disbelief enough to buy Anna’s insistence that it cured her acne in past visits. The hermit took the water to have healing properties such that he used it to dispense mercy from God to the sick, and created the cave complex to worship this grace.
The cave chapel went through several phases, and modern entrances were built around the time that an Art Deco behemoth hotel (which we walked through to get to the spa) was erected next door. At some point an ersatz cavern concrete construction replaced the natural rock walls. The audio guide features an incredibly odd coldplay song played off a repurposed nokia phone.
The media aspect of the museum was particularly fascinating. Up above the entrance room a lonely television served instructional videos to visitors.
In contrast to the dislocation I felt at the cavern and the spa in its own way, I’ve felt the beautiful intensity ascribed to the Danube in many works of fiction, and in particular in The Blue Danube by Strauss, which I’ve been listening to while here quite a bit, along with Bartok and Ligeti. I don’t know what it is about Hungarians but they’re musical output has been quite good. It’s quite late and I need to fly tomorrow. I feel saddened by the end of this European tour but I have a bit of homesickness. Maybe not to my home precisely, but to the sense that I’m working towards personal aggrandizement.
1 This I learned from the conversation yesterday which was part of why I was feeling insecure about the dullness of my family background. This feeling returned later in the day when Genevieve was describing at length her impressive grandfather, who was a naval war hero in WWII, for example. I also had a similar deep moment of shame because Anna asked me about having college debt, which I don’t have. I offered that my grandfather had invented the machine that makes the odor in natural gas, and she pressed on to ask if my parents were otherwise wealthy, which I had to answer in the affirmative. I felt for a long time after that she saw me correctly as a failure out of the rich wasp class, and that my accomplishments, of which there are already none to speak of, could never count for anything due to my total lack of consequences.
Budapest struck me positively immediately. So far my time has been quite luxurious and each Hungarian I met has been quite friendly. We stayed at a hotel in the center of the city
I am also continuing the routine of eating so much pork I become lethargic and loguish, drinking a large number of double espressos, and then walk around beaufiful buildings created by the Austro-Hungarian empire or earlier kingdoms. This as far as I can tell is a part of the typical eastern european lifestyle.
Here is me in a cafe where I ate a lot of pork
I want to see more, but I also feel exhausted and full of europe. I felt similar in Vienna- too many beautiful ornate buildings started to guve me indigestion. I started having mild visual hallucinations looking at these bricks outside of the Erbin Szabo library.
I’ve opened the pipeline to a mixed media diary, which will totally fuck up my ability to automatically migrate posts to the website. Nonetheless, here is a bit of the organ tuning this morning in the St Stephen’s basillica, which has the dessicated hand of St Stephen1 displayed inside.
As I’m getting closer to the end of my vacation I feel a certain itchiness to get back to my life in order to fix it, which in the short term means making this film/theater project that is becoming more realized in my mind. My barrier to progress is that I need to finish writing the script so that I can move on to finding collaboraters and actors and so forth. I’ve set aside some other fiction writing I also need to finish. I’m hoping I will be able to accomplish much of this on the flight back so that I can hit the ground running.
I am hoping this trip doesn’t feel ultimately like a vacation from my life as well as whatever telos exists within it. Nothing I’ve learned fits that neatly within whatever program I see myself working on. I’ve been looking at a lot of incredibly ornate and/or ideological architecture, and I just feel overwhelmed by the pressing weight of history. Maybe that isn’t so different from how I normally feel. Its hard to not worry that one is simply not equipped to stand up to the task of the current.
I was just walking back with Genevieve and Anna (who is from Hungary but who we know her studying in NY). They were discussing their families. Both of them have evocative and interesting family backgrounds which are tied to pivotal events in the history of Europe. I had nothing to add, not having parents connected to Europe in many generations, and felt that I was of a kind of different pedigree. Anna’s parents were academics, which naturally led to her having academic interests. Genevieve’s family is full of war heroes and opera singers and hippy bohemians. My entire family feels uninspired and mundane, qualities I worry are in my genetic makeup.
I don’t always feel that way, and its a bit of a silly narrative anyway. I liked the walk back to Annas house where we are staying. We walked under whats called Buda Castle Tunnel, a bit of an awe inspiring piece of engineering decorated with neoromantic arches on each side. It also sounds very expansive inside due to its voluminous tile walls.
Years ago, I used to take recordings of stuff all the time without a particular purpose. I think I would know what to do with personal recordings now, but at the time it just seemed like a natural thing to do with a zoom recorder I stole from a job I had. I would take it with me on drug runs or have it recording when I would get into fights with girls or when I would just be wandering about Portland or doing whatever else. I ended up losing the zoom recorded it after I totalled a car it was in while blacked out on xanax.
I worry that I am no longer an interesting person and have totally lost the edge I had which would have made the obsessive recording I did worth sharing. It makes me sort of sad doing this diary on what I missed out on, and how I won’t be able to capture the same pathos. At the same time, a large part of me is aware that the pathos I am talking about is illusionary, and I also have a well of fucked up experiences to draw on, if I really need to. I’m thinking about this because I want another small zoom recorder I can carry around with me. I wish I had brought one on the trip, but the only zoom recorder I have is a big multi input one. I like it a lot as a useful piece of versatile equipment but whenever I pull it out it looks like I’m carrying a piece of FBI surveillance equipment.
I think it would be interesting to start using personal recordings in music, but I think I was making much more interesting personal recordings when I was younger and my life was a lot more fucked up. I guess I can’t take for granted that my life won’t be equally fucked up in the future, or somehow tittilating in other ways I can’t even possibly imagine. If I get super desperate to make good post-post-new-new-sincerity autofiction I can always just relapse on heroin.
1 The Hungarian king, not the protomartyr
After I posted the last entry, Brook texted me a correction— she had suggested I add not ‘danger,’ but rather I add ‘risk’ to the substack.
It’s natural that I conflated these, but they have rather different connotations. Her text also made me realize I had forgotten1 something that I had wanted to add to the last post.
The thing I wanted to include was that while I was in conflict with the girl who I called stupid and I was being texted a bunch about how bad and unprofessional I was and so on, Genevieve suggested that maybe I needed to double down on this aspect of the diary- lean into hyperpersonal conflicts, radical honesty, lay bare my mean spiritedeness and petty impulses etc. It was in fact a bit compelling for people when I was having a conflict, and it is unavoidably one of the more interesting possibilities of the diary- especially when it leads to further conflict and meta-narratives about the diary. On the other hand, Brook, last night, noted in her text message that she wasn’t interested in me not having privacy. She also said I ‘deserve’ to feel comfortable but I sort of disagree. I am already much more comfortable than I deserve in several distinct ways, and also it would behoove me personally to be much more uncomfortable. The more uncomfortable the diary is probably the more interesting it becomes.
Nonetheless I take her point- she was trying to say that I should put more of myself on the line- in the page (screen), which is also what I mean by uncomfortable. I would like to do that more, but I think often I think nothing worth mentioning. I end up talking at great length about my insecurities and self loathing and struggle to be optimistic, but that can only go so far as a generator of novelty and things worth remarking upon. I do like retaining the form of a diary as a diary- thinking through problems, reportage on what happens throughout my life and my mental and emotive reactions thereof. I think the challenge is to unite the specificity of the diaristic medium with something more universal, and to be able to crank out a daily personal essay that covers whatever mundanity is going on in my life as well as the grand swirling universal Logos which pervades even my humble little life. I guess what I am suggesting is that I simply Write Better.
I should move on to my personal essay. I’m on the train to Budapest currently, traveling a magical looking route at sunset through the eastern half of Slovakia a magical fog pervades a post soviet landscape. Theres a brook running through the ancient eastern european forest, the source of so many slavic myths.
We didn’t have much time before the train, but we saw some nice Social Realist art, a very amazing modernist church by Plečnik, who is becoming one of my favorite architects2. Afterwards we went to the Žižkov television tower, which stands above the monumental skyline of Prague- a perfect object of high modern utopianism.
Designed and built in the 70s, apparently in large part created in order to jam television broadcasts from West Germany (though I have yet to find information on this function other than passing references), it is currently still in use as a television broadcast station. I think its utterly beautiful, as good an example of an effective modernist aesthetics as the Werkbund on the other side of town but in practice a much more accessible part of the landscape. Of course, everyone in Prague seems to hate everything built by the communists. They blew up most anything Soviet3. The only art from the regime are some murals in few outlying subway stations, and a couple reliefs adorning some municipal police stations. Here’s an example, the social realist art I mentioned a few paragraphs ago.
I don’t know why the police stations have the communist proletarian stuff on them (it seems politically ironic), but it might just be because the city doesn’t care to spend money on blowing up the facade of a police station. I’m not surprised that Prague didn’t want to dynamite the gargantuan futurist metal tower which also lets everyone watch television. The compromise that they seem to have come to was to add babies to it.
There are these horrible crawling babies all over the otherwise perfect object. You might be wondering what disturbing rational exists behind the addition of little black infants to the sheer metal walls, which I am unable to tell you, but I do know that they’re the brainchild[ren] of Prague’s number 1 public artist David Černý. Černý first gained notoriety for painting a war memorial of a Soviet tank pink and adding a middle finger in 1991 (2 years after the “velvet revolution” which liberalized and made independent the Czech Republic and therefore 2 years after the artistic gesture mattered politically at all).
The tank of course represents the Red Army liberating Prague from Nazi occupation4, which in my opinion demands that art criticism of the symbology be a bit more complex than an obscene gesture.
Černý has similarly infantile and boring art all over the city. He clearly thinks of himself as still the punkish rogue who is painting tanks pink because his website’s tagline is “Czech sculptor, an artist of civil disobedience.”
His disobedience is against good taste!!!!! His sculptures suck. I already am really skeptical of people who like to rebel, and in particular I don’t think “rebellion” as such is definitionally aesthetically interesting, nor as some vulgar aesthetics maintain, one of the fundamental purposes and utilities of cultural production, which appears to me to be a common aesthetic fetish.
Every so often you would find something in a guide or see something walking down the street and be stricken with utter aesthetic confusion and a kind of depression. Each time the answer to my questions of what this vaguely political, ugly, incoherent sculpture was doing the answer was Černý. When talking to Radek, our new Czech friend, Černý came up, and he affirmed what I would have guessed, which is that Černý is loathed as an embarrassment by the cool art kids of Prague.
Radek also talked to us about his shock to learn that nothing in America is public- that there is no funding for the arts from the government. This was also remarked upon by the people in Vienna I spoke to. This is assuredly distressing to someone trying to make a living doing arts type stuff, but Černý is an illustrative example of the problematic tastes of public arts funding. The particular anecdote which illustrates this point is Černý’s ugly and dumb Kafka head. Radek told us that there was a kind of Kafkamania at one point following a large endowment in Prague earmarked for Kafka related stuff, which is where the funding for the head came from. The whole Kafka thing around Prague was distressing. I think the museum they have about him is really stupid, and I particularly think that Černý’s high-tech rotating sculpture is stupid. Why does it look like that? Why does it rotate? Is it Kafkaesque?
The Kafka head is a perfect example of the stupidity of Art – the Kafka fund is attractive to Prague because Kafka is a recognizable name, so art about him is good for tourist infrastructure, Černý, along with many other galleries and artists who didn’t necessarily have anything to say about Kafka bastardized whatever they were already trying to make to add a sliver of a Kafka theme to try to get a little bit of sweet sweet public money to actualize something. The end result is an ugly sculpture outside of a stupid museum which discredits a wonderful writer and part of the historical cultural legacy of the city.
The other funny thing we learned about Černý is that he created, out of his own pocket, his own museum with the embarrassing title Musoleum. It was something we saw on our first sleep deprived day walking around- it has two mammoth mechanized butterfly/plane hybrid things flapping their wings lazily. He seems to like large mechanical objects- a very obtrusive medium which costs a lot of money to look cheap and silly.
I don’t have a strong conclusion to my thoughts on Černý, other than to say I don’t like him and he folds into my general impression of cultural decay. There were weed shops everywhere, people wore stupid t shirts with English on them, ugly fat tourists were crawling around one of the former magisterial seats of the Austro-Hungarian monarchy.
I felt guilty being able to speak English with so many people, and I felt disgusted by recognizing reproduced capital extraction methods. The worst feeling was being catered to specifically, because it took any illusion that there was an exotic element to our travels. Exoticism has been steamrolled over by globalization. I have long been disabused of a naive metric for ‘authentic experiences.’ I realized at some point that the only inauthentic experience is one in which you are lying to yourself about whats happening- and even then maybe every single experience is “authentic”, including delusion. I also believe that chasing ‘authenticity’ probably leads you primed for getting taken for a ride and ripped off.
Nonetheless I would like to see something untouched, or at least not completely ripped apart by the spread of the Western monoculture. I think I have to travel farther east and/or farther south, into parts of Africa and the Middle East, to see that. I also imagine that aspects of Southeast Asia and China would feel novel and unfamiliar. Japan would probably be interesting as a culture shock, though this would be a culture shock of a different aspect.
I guess I can’t really blame Černý for the cultural flattening of the western world- he didn’t have anything to do with the Austro-Hungarian empire, the Napoleonic and nationalist revolutions against the same, nor with the industrial revolution, soviet mass construction, nor the liberalization/financialization of the past couple decades. Nonetheless he seems symbolic of its ugliness- cheap and stupid and historically illiterate, but desperate to sell you something vacuated of all meaning while also overloaden with a kind of political and emotive semantics which signify only themselves.
1 I know I said I would start editing, but I didn’t edit.
2 He has an amazing house he built for himself in Ljubliana that I saw last year. He’s a very weird and compelling and intense guy. Extremely catholic, no political ideology to speak of, and had a maid who was ordered to stay so out of his way that he never saw her
3 We were shown the remnants of the titanic sculpture of Lenin on the highest point overlooking Prague (extremely baller place both geographically and historically for an autocrat to have such a big statue), which was exploded with dynamite. It has since become a popular place for skateboarding and used to be a place where they threw underground raves inside the dilapidated structure. Prague seems like it was very cool in the 90s
4 The Czechs seem to dislike the Communist regime more than the Nazis, I’m sure in part because they were a Soviet state for longer than they were occupied by the Reich military, and in particular the generation of 90s provocateurs like Černý had only known Czechia as a Soviet subsidiary. I felt this contrasted with Poland, who had much less anti-communist stuff (other than the more or less openly right wing and extremely dinky Victims of Communist museum) despite having arguably just as much reason to dislike the communists, especially in Warsaw. On the other hand they very clearly hated the current Russians-- many menus had changed offerings of Peroigi Rusky (filled with potato and cheese) to Peroigi Ukraini-- a kind of polish Freedom Fries, but this was all related obviously to the war just across the border. Yet to see how the Hungarians today feel about the Soviets, but I know there has been some spats with them and the Commies in the past.
I decided today I want to do the diary better. I want a higher quality of entries- This means at least two things-
Editing
Photographs and Illustrations
You may have noticed I used Substack’s included numbered list formatting. It would be wise also to add formatting. Brooke told me that what’s missing from the diary is ‘an element of danger.’ She was saying this in response to my comment about how some anti-israel protestors are using the swastika inside the star of david symbol.
I assume they proximally took it from Kanye West, but the symbol (I believe) is ultimately derived from the Raëlians- the followers of Raël, a french guy who claims to have been visited by aliens, who taught him that over 40 human-elohim(name of alien race) hybrids have walked among us, and many have been mistaken for religious prophets like Jesus and Buddha and Muhammed and so on. He also is into futuristic tech in a milleniarian way and has started foundations on cloning and the repair of clitoreses affected by genetic mutation for some reason. He also advocates for a Democratic government with intelligence minimums for both elected positions as well as the electorate body. They’re the most succesful new age religion and are surprisingly big. They sometimes have started using a sort of swirl in place of the swastika, out of pressure from criticism. It seems like Raël got fed up with the small minded and highly terrestrial reactions to his use of a mixed jewish and nazi icon.
I sort of think that the new logo looks more appropriate for what its representing, which is a combination of ‘as above, so below’ as well as the cyclic nature of infinite time (theyre top to bottom a classical new age religion), which were some of the first lessons imparted to Raël by the Elohim. The protestors are obviously trying to say that Israel is acting like the Nazi regime, but I can’t help but see Raël in their posters and signs.
I was saying something along those lines when Brooke told me I should add it stuff like that to the diary, but I don’t totally understand her prescription for “danger”. I think maybe she means voicing my opinions that would make people mad at me, but I don’t think my interest in the french UFO religion is problematic (and now there is a netflix documentary about them I guess, though I havent watched it). My opinions on Gaza are actually not so problematic, at least for the people who are likely to ever read the diary. I read Curtis Yarvin’s incoherant screed about how noone is clever enough to understand Gaza and history because of World War 2 or something. I’m usually sympathetic to people being too clever to have a normative opinion, but this was another case where I just think the mealy mouthed commentariat don’t have a leg to stand on. This really isn’t a sentimentalist Antifa retard riot or whatever, its some more or less prudent groups doing evidence based political action to try to stop a genocide. I dont believe theres a better way to look at it than that. I usually like to have a cool, arch-ironic take on all events which both proves how politically astute I am but also how emotionally reserved and aloof I am about it all. This time that just feels embarrassing. I really wish the US Government wouldn’t give my money to the gay jewish ethnostate which whines about the holocaust constantly but then is also doing it right now.
I don’t think anything I’m going to say about Israel is that politically ‘dangerous,’ though in point of fact the last time someone got mad at me it was because I talked shit about them, and in particular whined about the way they were being political about Palestine. Nonetheless my political opinions are not particularly based or dangerous or exciting. My only political suggestion is that society should do less, in a Heidegerrian “wait in reserve” way. That’s esoteric enough that not even I really understand it, which means I’m unlikely to make anyone too mad, even though it is based on the writings of someone in the nazi party.
The more “dangerous” thing I could do is to stop censoring completely. I could talk about every wanton sexual thought and fantasy I have, and describe my immediate reactions in detail to everyone I meet, naming names and so on. I could also go into every frustration I have and every fight between me and Genevieve that occurs. I’m pretty careful not to do that because for one thing, it would make her mad at me all the time. Also, I think it would be extremely one sided, and also give a permanent recording of thoughts and feelings which go away very quickly. Yesterday we sort of had a brief fight, really stupid. We were coming back from this birthday party this Czech art guy that Gen knew from NY took us to and we were trying to find somewhere to eat. We didn’t realize that Prague restaurants essentially all close at 10, so we went into several that told us their kitchens were closing. We went to a cafe/bar to see if they had food, and all they really had were these quiches on the counter. I said, “lets just eat some quiche” or something, and Genevieve said that quiche would not be enough, and that it was a lunch food, not enough to sate someone for dinner, and that we should try to find a real restaurant with real food. I was annoyed and got increasingly annoyed as we kept trying restaurants whose kitchens were closed. I was also really hungry. Genevieve could tell I was annoyed and kept asking me if I was annoyed, but I denied it. I thought about telling her off, but the thing I wanted to say was about how she just wanted to go to an expensive restaurant, and I figured it would imply she was spoiled and it would be hurtful- something along those lines. It just didn’t really seem right when I thought it, and eventually later, after we found some stupid tourist trap that sold expensive french fries we could eat for dinner, she asked me if I was annoyed and I admitted it, but I said something more reasonable, which is that sometimes I get frustrated because her needs are more rigid than mine. This is much more true than my stupid thought about her refusing to eat unless it was at an expensive restaurant. The place she mainly likes to eat are either birria taco spots or places that serve dumplings. One of her favorite places is the stand that sells 3$ sticks of grilled chinese meat. Genevieve is very picky, and does like to eat expensive food when we can, but isn’t snobby or spoiled. This is basically the other reason I don’t want to just litigate our fights on the diary, because I constantly think things I don’t mean, or get confused and say things wrong, or just say things that are purely emotionally driven. It would give a really unfair perspective. Also it would make me seem nasty and it would be cruel.
To return to a more present matter, we were just walking around to watch the end of the finals of the hockey world cup, which the Czech team just won (sláva Česku!). Its total bedlam everywhere and everyone is in an ecstatic mood. Hockey is pretty popular here, but they haven’t been in the world cup in 14 years. Its a fun addition to the trip, and its a good populist antidote to the misanthropy I’ve been feeling seeing the tourist crowds gawk at the beautiful decaying monumental scenery1
I intended to add more pictures, so heres some Czech paintings.
The last picture is some pork knuckle we ate, but still qualifies as a beautiful piece of Czech art
1 myself included I suppose. Thinking about using footnotes, and want to see how they handle it in the html so using this as an example
I last left you, dear reader, after my decision to drive up to my friend’s mother’s house in Vermont to glimpse the 1 minute and 32 seconds of the moon occluding the sun. The last time this occurred in the United States was in the 80s, and the next time is in 2024 (but then thereafter in 2025). I have been told this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and didn’t want to miss it. The last once in a lifetime celestial opportunity I experienced was a comet when I was a child, and it is one of the rare memories I have from before I was 10 years old. I am fairly certain this is a real memory because I have not had this event brought up to me at all since, and I rarely have reason to think of it. False or altered memories occur when your brain is retrieving data about an event, and subsequently rewriting it when thinking about it, but I don’t believe that phenomenon has occurred with my memories of the hale-bopp comet. I found the aesthetic experience of meteor showers and the aurora borealis rewarding and fascinating, and wanted to add another skyward phenomenon to my list.
Additionally, as I wrote the other day, I try to fight against any impulses I have to let my life shrink. I always want to choose the more interesting option. I always want to learn and do and experience more. I always want to live my life as though I do not have the information I need, and would like to learn more. I also want to maximizp collisions with other people, unfamiliar processeses, and things I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I never know what I want so I have to make my best attempt at discovering it.
We left at 7 AM for the five and a half hour drive, thinking that gave us a safe window to arrive by 2:28. The drive was surprisingly quick in the morning, without even an increase in traffic during the 8am to 10am morning rush. We believed we were all set to make it in ample time. The estimated arrival time began crawling up around 11am, which was worrying but expected. We were all focused and effecient in our driving and were making good time. It was about the time we switched drivers, which was just a but north of the Vermont border, that we really started to hit traffic. By noon the drip of accumulating traffic started to rapidly increase from a noticable but hardly problematic increase in the density of cars on the highway to a bumper to bumper crawl. We were told by google maps that we had an hour and a half, but we hardly moved for several 20 minute periods. It seemed that Google maps was unequipped to accurately tell us how much the traffic would set us back. Theres no way that google’s predictive models were accounting for the unprecedented pilgrimage to the small towns of Vermont and upstate new york. Eventually we were all silent and concerned and had full bladders we were pushing ourselves to ignore. At a certain point, around 1:30, our estimated time of arrival was 2:32, a full four minutes after the events of the totality. I neglected to say anything but felt a dismal pall come over me. I hadnt gotten up early enough, I had fucked us by a wrong turn early in the trip, I didnt go fast enough in the first stretch, etc. The ETA continued to climb. Quickly thereafter we could observe similar realizations dawning upon the cars surrounding us. We were joking on the way up about ‘eclipse madness’, a temporary mental disorder caused by the blocking of the sun which manifested as a dangerous psychopathy and confusion, a pandemic of which was currently ripping an arc through the middle of america and was soon to hit our region. The madness in fact struck everyone within 60 miles of the eclipse in the hour before it occured. Large trucks zipped past us on the shoulder only to be screamed at and disallowed from reentering the highway. Useless honking here and there. We saw a camey cut off an 18 wheeler at 35 mph, almost causing a devestating accident which would have cut off everyone from any hope of reaching the totality. At the time I was trying to rationalize some way I could make it to the very edge of the umbral trail, intersecting with the shadow right as it passes over me head. I imagined everyone in their cars across the highway pulling over and exiting their vehicles to look upward right at 2:28, and overcome with the surreal happenings in the sky, turning to each other in an instant bond of celestial wonder. Instead what I saw was increasingly desperate and increasingly dangerous driving- it felt hopeless that we would even make it that day to our destination. We gave up when we went to two different places to pee, both of which had no working toilets. The 15 minute setback cemented what we already knew- we would not see the eclipse in its full glory. we pulled off to a tiny town and went to the soccer fields, where a smattering of locals were already gathered. We were given the glasses by a nice mom who saw us squinting, and we waited for the event. The eclipse, outside of a total occlusion, is neat, but nothing like the full thing. The sun is so bright that the tiniest sliver of it looks like a gigantic sphere of light brighter than anything you could potentially visually resolve. We have an amazing sun. I do think looking through the glasses is a bit fascinating, and the eerie dimming without directional shadows is a bit psychedelic, but I couldnt release myself from dissapointment fully. Who cares if the moon passes near the sun. I wanted to see Helios blotted out before my eyes. I was most excited about the unphotographable qualities of the extensive tendrils of the solar crown extending from the glowing black discus. I wanted to be forced to see my tiny place in our gigantic universe and be granted some sensation of awe- one of the more precious and difficult to attain emotional states.
I was certainly humbled, given my utter inability to control or defeat traffic, geography, timing, speed. Failure is by its nature humbling. I feel like I’ve missed out. I heard lated that day some variations on it being the coolest thing theyd ever seen, once in a lifetime, etc. It stings. I feel like a fool. I missed the big party by misplanning. Nonetheless, if I reflect on my goals for the trip, the main danger wasn’t that I would fail to see the eclipse, but that I would reject an opportunity to do something which would put me somewhere unfamilar. I think the biggest risk is to allow myself to reject out of hand interesting things for fear of them not working, or for pure laziness. By this metric I succeeded. I also think I needed to try to go to minimize regret. I wish I had seen the event, but I can definitively say that I tried my best. What else can one hope for. Lastly, I think through little effort I have seen many interesting things that others havent been able to. Thats my cope, and I’m sticking with it.
After the eclipse we finished the journey to our friend’s mother’s house and had a pleasant evening where we ate indian food and talked about the mother’s career as a arborealist. Seems like vermont is the ideal place to be an arborealist, which I think is also her husband’s job, though he was not present because he was hiking in portugal. These people are incredibly Vermont styled. We took a couple short walks around and looked at the idyllic placed lakes and the beavers making dams and the little streams next to the dirt roads. Exceedingly pleasant. The next day we drove back the slow way. Vermont is so beautiful. people weren’t kidding about that. I talked with Kevin about Vermont a fair bit on the way back and I want to find some time to spend a little bit of time out there. I’m back now in the city and will be working every day for a good while. I don’t know if my holiday weekend made me more or less relaxed, but I’m hoping whatever astral energy which the eclipse event transmits still positively affects me psychically and in terms of my karmic fortune.
Sensation of time moving quickly. At work today. Boring wedding because there is a band that brought all their own equipment and a sound guy so after set up all I have to do is help the bar, which isn’t very much work. I’ve decided to see the eclipse tomorrow. I plan to drive up in the morning to Vermont, where a friend is visiting home for the occasion, as well as her birthday. We had sort of decided not to go which felt like a relief, but when reading about how much more exceptional and interesting the experience of the lunar shadow’s umbra passing overhead is, I decided that we should go. I try to live in such a way as to minimize regrets, and effectively this means I will alway err on the side of not missing out when possible. Because I am told this is a once in a lifetime opportunity (the next total eclipse in 2044 will be passing through the Yukon) I felt on alert for a possible regret. I am concerned about traffic, though it does seem like the worst part will be traffic returning. My back still hurts and I feel quite exhausted, so I’m sure I will be a bit out of sorts, but there is a gravitational pull towards the totality that I cannot ignore. I’m working a lot for the forseeable future, but I happen to have the next two days off. The timing all works out. Our friend has a place for us. Wish I could leave tonight.
At work with back pain. Its because I haven’t been exercising enough recently. Having a bad back as a main feels embarrassing. I feel like a stereotype. I also felt that way before whenever I would freak out and punch holes in drywall. Haven’t done that in a long time, but now I get much worse back pain. As annoying as the optics of being a white man in his 30s with back pain are, worse yet is the experience of pain, which I find very unpleasant.
My friend from a long time ago is missing, which I found out from screenshots of my ex wife’s instagram, which I am blocked from. I hope she is alright. Don’t really talk to this group of friends anymore, but it makes me worried. On and off again injection opiate user, the consequences of this I don’t like to think about.
I’m supposed to go to a birthday party tonight. I feel exhausted and in pain, but I feel as though I will try to push through, which perhaps I will regret. Feel like I could fall asleep right now.
I know that I’m not missing anything out there but I feel as though I need to push back against any impulse of rejecting new experiences and potential helpful collisions, or else I will miss out on a maximal life. At the same time I am fairly confident I will not be seeing anything interesting at the downtown model’s downtown birthday party. Nonetheless I don’t want to reject anything out of hand, and I’m sure I will be able to see people I know and like. I just sneezed three times in a row.
Performed last night. Extremely tired today on account of not getting home to bed until like 5am. Only woke up when the earthquake started. Glad to have finally fully experienced a full earthquake- every one I felt in California was either at a time when I wouldnt notice vibrations or else was so small not to matter.
Last night was good, I think I did a pretty good job and people seemed to respond well to the things I made. It makes me want to do a cleaner, more ambitious composition to a more captive audience, but its sort of difficult to get that sort of commitment from people. Furthermore, I'm happy to not have to code the thing anymore.
I feel like I should have more to say, as I had a big day yesterday, but because it was so exhausting I find it hard to put a bunch of thoughts together. I’m going to try to go to a 10pm AA meeting but I am quite tempted to just fall back asleep.
I feel spent, both because of my lack of sleep and because it always feels like that putting something out. I still need to record it and put a hq video online, which I think will be a good but different format for it. I thought I would want to stop thinking about anything for a second but I dont want to. I really want to make a four channel cube installation. I want to create some compositional algorithms based on nltk’s tokenize module. I really need to finish some writing and try to get published. If I don’t do some of that I will regret it. I hope to have more insightful and interesting thoughts tomorrow. Last night was really nice and then became funny and then got weird. Typical progression for a party. A few people were extremely poorly behaved or were up to some weird antics but for the most part people had a good time and were invested in a rewarding way. I think the coming eclipse is opening portals and weaving all types of energies throughout people’s subconscious. Some type of sublunar madness is pushing out against the edges of the collective consciousness. Not sure what it portends but we had a rare east coast earthquake. Time will tell
(Forgot to finish this post and also forgot to submit it on the April 3rd)Have been deep in the lab finishing a couple things for my performance tomorrow. Extremely happy to be able to stop doing this python/maxmsp insanity for a little bit. Mentally exhausting. I might put a little more effort into my video mixer stuff because thats the thing that more people will see for longer. This all gives me good ideas for routes to pursue for the future, which is heartening and inspiring. I feel tired
Another wedding. DJ James is the dj tonight, and he is the most self sufficient DJ who regularly works the weddings, which means I have another understimulating shift. Talking to Kevin about his annoying new temporary job and I told him that one of the benefits of food service is that its annoying enough to pressure you to look for better work. It makes me realize how settled in I am to this middling job. It makes me just enough money (as long as I get extra freelance stuff) and it isn’t difficult. Its a big waste of time though, and I fear it is keeping from something more worthwhile that fits more into a longer term plan. Nothing to panic about but I probably should give it some thought and be thinking about a next step and a timeframe. I have the next three days off, I’m going to finish this audio-visual composition. Right now its in a decent place, but its all in parts, some of which are more complete than others. I need to spend a good deal of time organizing and shit testing it to make sure nothing will go wrong and there are no glaring problems. I already made the other part of the AV thing, which turned out to be much simpler, despite the fact that it will probably be the more impactful thing I made. I’ll be very glad to be done with this thing, because I’m exhausted from staring at python code for 12+ hours at a time. Good learning experience and I’m proud of what I’ve figured out already, but I don’t know if it will translate into something as impressive as the task actually was to undertake.
I have a fingernail trapped in my lower right permanent retainer. I want a dentist to take the thing out so this doesnt happen anymore. Its poking into my tongue constantly and its incredibly enervating. I don’t have anything like floss to take it out, and it makes it hard to be idle.
At a wedding, ostensibly working, but hiding in my usual place because they’re just going to be dancing for the next two hours. I’m nervous because two people so far have been feeling sick, perhaps more. One kid from the kitchen I saw in rough shape. Shortly afterwards he threw up and went home. Also the break room smells horrible- like puke and cheese. We had metallic tasting spaghetti and gargantuan meatballs for family meal. I didn’t eat any of the spaghetti but I hadn’t eaten all day and so was starving, and against my better judgement ate three meatballs. These things were massive- and that should have given me more pause. I would prefer something burnt to a crisp than risking pockets of undercooked meat lying in wait for us to eat. I feel weird and a bit nauseous, but I know from experience that my mind creates highly convincing somatic sensations at the mention of anything like food poisoning. I’m hoping I have immunity from my last bout in mexico, which was less than a month ago, but don’t know if thats how the pathology of food borne illnesses even works.
Otherwise I’m fine, working on some stuff for Thursday. I feel like I’m in a decent place for it. Made a simple video crossfader tied to audio signals which I’m hoping will tie everything together aesthetically.
Yesterday I met up with brooke and ian and we did a tech walkthrough of the venue. The owner is probably in his 40s and looks and sounds and acts like he was a staple of the vice era. Brooke pointed out his shameless name dropping is a trait of that sort of fellow from that sort of time period. I had heard vaguely bad things about him from other nightlify people but he sort of charmed me by his motor mouthed excitement about all manner of things, including the event we were doing. He seems like a cool enough guy, though he may be severely adhd or tweaked out on adderall or something. Can’t speak to his personal conduct but as far as he treated me I like the guy and look forward to this event even more.
Afterwards I met up with Dana and Chris and they took me to a screening of shorts. I don’t know who was a student, but it felt very student film compilation. Everyone knew each other intimately, as evidenced by the rounds of applause at the opening credits. It wasn’t the worst thing I ever saw, but it was all in 16 mm for unclear reasons, and many of the shorts suffered from the traditional failings of filmmaking- confused, vague aesthetics, overindulgence in various impulses, lack of any real energetic impulses, pointless choices, boring. Not all were bad but I came away with it remembering something Brooke said earlier which was to not give away too much, to fight back against the instinct to overstuff, to always save things for the next time. I think thats a generally useful piece of advice. Making something good is usually about cutting away the rotting, fatty, overstuffed, and deadweight parts of something just as much as it is about building up from the ground. Incredibly mixed metaphor.
I also saw my friend filipe at the screening and got dinner with his friends. We had a conversation about Caveh Zahedi, who is a subject of special interest to this substack, which was started after I saw bathtub of the world. He told me about going to his last screening (of the final uncut and I think unreleased season of show about the show) and how very dark it got. Basically his project of radical honesty is compelling, but doesn’t stand up to much scrutiny. Its a very individualistic idea, that one should be unfettered by and censorship at all. A child is radically honest until he learns that his words have consequences that can harm others.
Felt good to be brought around by an interconnecting web of acquaintances. I’m working today and tomorrow and am just ready to get this thing finished, finalize the way I’m going to administer the collaborative part of the evening, and then do the damn thing.
I think I need to adjust slightly the purview of the diary. Its transformed from being merely experimental and close to the diary form and more of an endurance blog. I have been attracting a few subscribers and even told people about it, so I think I need to be writing more for others and less about my personal neuroses. I havent been writing every single day in the last two weeks but maybe I should become stricter.
When the person I previously insulted found it they told someone we worked with, and then sent me a conversation they had where he referred to me as a retarded school shooter or something. I think thats made me self conscious of the repetitive and solipsistic nature of the entries, which reflects on the repetitive and solipsistic material of my inner thoughts. Maybe by improving the entries I can improve my inner world.
Also on the off chance the person I insulted reads this entry, which seems like something someone might do in the immediate aftermath of our spat here are the texts I tried to send but couldnt:
am I still blocked?
I mean I understand where youre coming from it was definitely not a nice thing I said
thats sort of part of the experiment
and yeah maybe I am a real retard etc and definitely am embarrassing
but I dont think I can remedy the situation too much other than saying you are totally right to not like me and we can just go our seperate ways and I am sorry
but I dont think I can remedy the situation too much other than saying you are totally right to not like me and we can just go our seperate ways and I am sorry
I didnt remember saying any of that thats sort of the point of being frustrated and writing things down and then exposing yourself etc
good luck on your shoot I'm sure this didnt put you in a great mood
so Im definitely sorry about that
am I still blocked?
I mean I understand where youre coming from it was definitely not a nice thing I said
thats sort of part of the experiment
and yeah maybe I am a real retard etc and definitely am embarrassing
but I dont think I can remedy the situation too much other than saying you are totally right to not like me and we can just go our seperate ways and I am sorry
but I dont think I can remedy the situation too much other than saying you are totally right to not like me and we can just go our seperate ways and I am sorry
I didnt remember saying any of that thats sort of the point of being frustrated and writing things down and then exposing yourself etc
good luck on your shoot I'm sure this didnt put you in a great mood
so Im definitely sorry about that
and then in frustration I said
either block me or dont
either block me or dont
When I saw them all go green.
Anyway, I’m currently headed to do a tech walkthrough for this show I’m presenting something at. My stomach hurts. I eat three or four raw eggs every morning and sometimes it makes me a little queasy and intestinally inflamed. I have a problem with appetite, so its a good quick way to get protein and calories first thing upon waking, which has the additional benefit of increasing my metabolic rate, and hopefully bolstering my middling appetite. I regularly am walking to the M train while the eggs are still in the very top of my stomach and often cognize the act of digestion that is occuring. It strikes me that I have two models of the digestive and nutritive aspect of the body- a kind of soup and an assembly line. Sometimes it seems to me that the body is a sort of amino acid and bloody bog where a set of chemicals are freely mixed and distributed and through a series of chance molecular encounters the correct carbohydrate makes its way to be compudted for ATP and Beta Keratin makes its way to the eyes so you can see better, or whatever it is that occurs in there. Other times I imagine my body as a finely honed assembly line, where the stomach is the entry point to a vast set of apparatuses which break down, distribute, and precisely utilize the components of the food I eat, tranforming each bit into my muscles, brain, skin, neurotrasnmitters, semen, etc through a system of alchemic rules written in our DNA by God and also by evolution. I can see how the religious people who were against evolution in school retreated to intelligent design. I think maybe theyre next claim should be that we teach my new ‘the body is a soup’ theory next to evolution in public high school curricula
Not feeling very compelled by the diary format because I’ve been reading actual good contemporary writing here and there recently. I know a couple other diaries that are better written and more interesting. I fear I have little to talk about. It would be a bit maddening to stop at this exact moment so I won’t, but I want to redress my doubts. I’m working right now. I’m in the AV booth for this crypto event. Its styled as a debate, thrown by a crypto investor company. I know the question that will be posed, which is “Are the incumbent stablecoins NGMI?” I do not know the answer. I’ve been told the most prominent stablecoin, Tether, is a scam, but I wouldn’t really know. The detail I remember from years ago when I briefly had this really weird job writing for a cryptocurrency blog(long, stupid story) was that Tether was sketchy about having an open audit done to prove that they indeed had the reserve currency they claimed to to back up their tokens, which are tethered (get it?) to the price of the US Dollar. I don’t understand the point of having a digital asset which is exactly the price of a US dollar. Presumably its selling point is its stability, but it is only as stable as the US dollar, and the US dollar is something I have a lot more use for. The dollar is useful to me for buying pizza, and cigarettes, and paying my rent. The only thing I’ve ever bought with cryptocurrency was pills and heroin and pure cocaine, and wine bottles filled with GHB but I’ve also bought all those other things with US dollars as well.
I worry about how depressing the experience of listening to this debate will be, but I can only mantain a good humor and curiosity about it. It might be quite funny. I do feel stupid that these people are assuredly making more money than me. I feel doubly stupid given how much bitcoin I bought back when it was really cheap. I unfortunately spent it all on the aforementioned drugs. If I had only held on to it I could be on the other side of the AV booth right now, telling everyone that incumbent stablecoins either are or are not GMI.
I was going through a phase where I didn’t care about the diary at all and felt no pressure to do anything about it, and interestingly I have now experienced by far the most serious consequence from the whole project. This person who I’ve worked for twice, and who I was going to work for tomorrow texted me this morning furious and hurt because of what I had written about her. Fair enough. As far as what I said goes it was mean but not nasty. I used the word ‘idiot’ which I regret saying. I was just frustrated that day. I was working with her for the possibility of later doing a particular project where I could do more sound recording, which I am really trying to expand my experience with, but that project seems to have fallen through anyway, and I was frustrated because I just had to stay in the car the entire day. Its pretty normal as a PA to do that but I felt low rent and stupid and so forth.
I certainly can’t say I’m surprised that this happened, and I have only myself to blame, but it definitely does not make me want to stop writing the diary. I feel bad and ashamed and foolish but the whole thing is sort of interesting. On the one hand she is totally valid to be upset at me, but she’s doing this thing where she blocked me and then has been popping up texting me conversations shes had with another person and theyre discussing how I’m bad and creepy and stupid (very possibly all true!) and also sneak dissing like a bitch (which I would dispute bc I didnt use her name and if she hadnt pored through the damn thing noone would really know about it) so I’ve had to block her. I also didn’t apologize effusively at first because I was driving away from montreal so my subsequent well thought out statement didn’t go through. Ultimately the consequences arent drastic, but I feel bad for having hurt another person. Not to let myself too off the hook, but the way she was talking about it I thought it was going to be much nastier. I also didnt remember posting this so I clearly didnt think the same thing even a day later. I looked back and I was sort of relieved.
This is the post if your interested:
first of the month. have had an annoying day so far. I woke up early to get to the place where we were meeting up to go shoot in staten island. We had an infuriating morning of the DP insisting we rent a car, but nobody being able to because of various problems. It’s just impossible to rent a car without a credit card, and my id is expired, while the ot…
I really don’t like conflict and I’m bad at feeling bad. Feel very bad now but can’t deny that I set myself up for this. Rubber meets road or something. Have to break a few eggs to make autofiction. If you are reading this I am sorry but I had to block you because I can’t even respond to your texts
I’ve abandoned all pretende of being on vacation to work in various coffee shops on the composition. I decided to do a variety of cheats and shortcuts and am happy. There is of course no cheating in this kind of thing but I mean to say I’ve added premade reverb and saturation. I made my own panner and it took a half hour just for that so I realized to cut corners at some point. I’ve also just trained chatgpt to structure some data like lists of notes and chords and scales in the way that I can use them, which isnt really cheating at all but takes away some tedium. Its coming together.
I wish I didnt have to work this week, crazy that I have only days left. I had a dream last night where I was helping genevieve with her job, which was to operate a camera in another dimension to create videos of insane people. I was talking to her and the director and they gave me some advice that I was better at finger painting than arithmetic. I think finger painting represents the spontaneous intuitive act of creation whereas arithmetic represents the slower more methodical structured creative act. Makes sense why I had this dream last night. Genevieve’s show is later today. We both feel a little off about being in montreal. were having a better time than at first but we cant shake the feeling of hostility and forsakeness that pervades this town. I saw a harm reduction truck yesterday that was giving away ‘pipes á crack’. Get me back to civilization
Tired, still in accursed montreal. I think I need to fix the website, because these are mostly probably going nowhwere unless I send the emails which I dont feel like. Just working on this performance. I will be fluent in Python in a way I didnt realize I wasnt before. I don’t know if that will ever benefit me again but its nice to see that I can do it. Makes me feel like not an idiot. Montreal is extremely cold which is too bad but otherwise have little to complain about. I finally had a big full meal and that helped. Dont much care for these quebecois, at least the ones I’ve met and seen and interacted with.
Became emo and decided not to update the diary for a while. I felt annoyed at the whole project and annoyed at everyone else who is as egocentric and petty as me and anything like a substack seemed offensive to any potential or actual goodness. I’m in montreal now. I have a feeling this is an evil city. I just have an ominous feeling being here. I’m with Genevieve watching an art handler install her show. First piece is up and looks amazing. She’s good at this art stuff. We both feel a little off for various reasons. Hoping we end up having a good time in Montreal despite the fact that it seems to have been abandoned by God to fall into spiritual ruin. I think its being punished because the FLQ failed to release it from the KKKanadian government’s clutches. It has all the heroin it did but now its trying to be a tech hub. I’m still working on my performance and I’m a bit nervous. I have a good amount of time but I really need it to be good. I need everything I do from now into the future to be really good.
The gallery we’re at is funny and the gallerist is funny. I don’t really know what to say specifically but she lives in a quintessential apartment gallery. Exposed pipes, warped hardwood floors painted black, books everywhere as furniture, lofted bed. I’m really in the belly of the beast here. I was also supposed to be working now, but its for the best that I’m not so I can just plug away at the performance. Performance, performance, performance. Maybe I need a better way of talking about it. Its barely a performance. It’s just a demonstration of some coding. I feel silly and out of sorts and all as usual. Oh well
Considering returning to not emailing people for the daily posts but attempting to write more longer things. Doesnt seem like its benefitting anyone. Cant remember my logic in starting to email ppl in the first place.
Got incredibly in the weeds on my generative text/audio project for hours today. Working at a fairly high level of abstraction to set up stuff like OSC messaging and data passing between python and max and I have a horrible headache. I made progress, but I’m using a library in a pretty weird way, and I should probably directly modify it rather than using its methods in ways they werent intended. Basically I’m creating a control instrument that sends OSC messages and a MIDI instrument to simultaneously (through multithreading or forking) send pitch and timing data. In theory I could do it all with OSC but it might actually be simpler this way? Plus I can send messages without triggering anything playing which I think will be useful. Anyway I’m exhausted mentally and feel goofy for putting so much work into making such intermittent progress on something that should probably only be about 20 minutes long. Also I’m forced to make some arbitrary aesthetic choices a lot and people likely won’t understand the volume of work it takes to do somw of the things I’m doing. Maybe I’m not being clever. I guess the point of doing a complicated difficult thing sometimes is that you have decided to, but I have to tell myself that too much too often it feels like. Still I soldier on because what else is there to do with time in a life
Tempted to forego today as I feel exhausted, but feel a duty. Last night after the meeting I went to meet up with Madeleine who was celebrating her book. I was feeling extremely anxious from my accidental double dose of wellbutrin, so I figured I would just stay for a second. I did feel quite overstimulated for the dinner part- everyone was drinking and talking loud and I felt quite strange. I was thinking about leaving but Genevieve suddenly was having a slight interpersonal crisis and seemed super anxious, so I didn’t want to abandon her. I wish she could see her the way I (and I know many others) see her, because I really respect her a lot more than the people whose short sightedness and insecurity she is often subjected to. Anyhow, it had nothing to do with me, but I would have felt lousy leaving. It turned out to be good I stayed, I went with the group to the river and I had a pretty nice time all told. I talked honestly about feeling like I’m at a crossroads.
Earlier I had therapy and he had me lie down on his couch and look away from him psychoanalysis style. I want to keep doing that because its classic, and I think it helps one be more associative, but it makes me sort of nervous and self conscious. Probably that feeling will dissapate.
The rest of the day I just worked on blade study performance. I need to buckle down because I want it to be very good and I only have until the 4th.
Concerned I may have taken twice my medication. Part of my evidence is that I'm listening to ryoji ikeda, jan jelinek, yasunao tone, jason forrest, with a frantic intensity. Maybe thats a chicken/egg problem. I was working on the sound design specifics for the blade study performance. Something is taking form. I’m a bit stuck so I went for a long walk in the new spring weather to try to dislodge my brain. Kevin called me we had to reschedule my birthday.
My back doesnt hurt too bad, so I should be able to resume working out soon, thankfully. I feel cramped and energetically backed up, though maybe this is because of my possible medication screw up. I’m going to a meeting now and then am going to Madeleine’s dinner shes having to celebrate her literary success. Hopefully my anxiety will be lessened by that time but it remains to be seen how I feel
Had a foolish day. I started off really good and did my whole pray, meditate, excercise routine but picking up a 45 pound weight to do some squats I strained my lower left quad. I’m doing a lot better with excercise but this was the injury that took me out so many times before I fully changed up how I was doing it. Frustrating. Someone was hitting me up about work so i was going to make an updated reel but then I fell asleep in a long depression nap with a zyn in, had insane nicotine dreams, and then woke up to her telling me she would just use my old reel. Which is fine, but it all feels very stupid. Don’t feel great that I completely wasted today but not much I can do about it now. Hopefully some work is coming through, which i desperately need. Going to try again tomorrow
I’m working a wedding where I have little to do. This has been a theme recently. I work an easy job, but I must say I would rather be working a difficult job because time crawls whenever I’m here and they dont give me enough to do. I’m reading my friend’s literary magazine. Maybe I shouldnt say the name because I’m going to get specific but its heavy traffic. I hate read one of the pieces by an individual I have a conflict with. Weirdly the individual was brought up by the bartender just now- they went to the same MFA program. It might be dangerous to get too into my conflict with the person. Its a one sided conflict because the guy probably doesnt know who I am, but I consider the person evil and stupid and I’m gratified to find that his prose style is like a high school creative writing assignment. Sam Kriss’ piece is very good, and the snippets of other pieces I’ve had time to read this shift have seemed to have interesting stuff in them. I was reading Kriss’ substack and its high quality, well written, full of insight. Makes me think this substack is foolish. I wonder if I’m trying to avoid writing well thought out long form useful writing by making daily autofiction detritus. I want to touch the motivation behind the diary again. I can occasionally sense touches and shades of a motivating force behind the diary project, but just as often I feel like I’m writing a perfunctory livejournal entry to satisfy a joke idea I had a year ago.
Wouldn’t it be nice if God came down and held my hand? Told me what to do and told me I was walking his path? Too busy to be bothered. I’m not sure that I’ve ever had any insight into anything. People say that I’m intelligent, and I think a lot of that can be attributed to how equivicol I am. I mean that very sincerely- this is the insight of Socrates. To know something is to be wrong about it. This of course does not make one good at leveraging correct predictions that others are wrong about, which is what counts in this life. I’m very cold and want to go home and take a bath.
Yesterday I was supposed to meet with my sponsor and go to a meeting but I didn’t. I also said to myself I would go to a meeting that is starting right now but obviously I didn’t go. I had a reasonably nice night instead after I worked out where I went to my friend’s house to mess around on his CDJs and then went to a non remarkable party. I want to DJ again but in particular I want to play a jungle and speedcore set and I don’t know who will let me do that. I have been very mean (in my mind justifiably so) to the person I know who is throwing parties most consistently so would feel disingenuous asking to do it through them. Probably not a huge deal either way but I would like to be nice to them (as much as it pains me) in a real sincere way before I ask for any favors.
I’ve generally had an easier time socializing the last few days. This is in large part with the people I happen to be around recently- making friends with Kevin’s roommate’s boyfriend Oded and would like to be better friends with his friend Drew and his girlfriend, who seem like pretty stand out people. Its nice to find a group of people who you get along with completely, which seems to be the case now. I met up with them originally at Patrick’s magazine’s reading, though it turned out to just be a release part and not a reading. I felt pressured to buy the magazine, which I don’t mind because for one thing, I am going to submit to it soon so I want the karma of buying it to help me be included, but also I trust him as a curator and editor. It seems to be full of new cutting edgy pseudo fiction stuff to more normal fiction with a contemporary feel kind of spectrum. Makes me feel like I’m involved in the new york literary scene for better or worse to read it and know some of the authors. The stories are much shorter than what I’ve been writing. I need to focus on getting a lot of really good short works completed. Its very difficult to write short. I also have realized I do not know how to end any piece I’ve written. I need to learn how to lock down a proper ending- theres no point in pretending its not of primary importance to the effect of any writing as a whole.
Today I’m going to work in the hotel. Worried because other potential temporary employment matters don’t seem to be solidifying like I thought they would. Will need to do some active searching for freelance stuff. It looks like I will be working less than 20 hours per week this month unless I get some other things locked in. Don’t much feel like going into the red entering the spring.
I feel quite groggy today. Probably in part because I fell asleep in the middle of the day for a half hour. I need to pick up more work soon, though I do have some this weekend for sure. During the bulk of today the only thing that happened was I tried to get computer stuff done while Genevieve took part in a photoshoot at home. This photographer woman came to our house and shot Genevieve around the house. Hard to focus when my girlfriend is rolling around in exciting outfits and theres a shutter and a flash going of periodically. No disrespect, and I dont really mind. Photographer told me her bf reads the substack, which is a funny coincidence. Also shout out to you if you are reading this.
Going back to when I fell asleep during the middle of the day, when I awoke I remembered this thing that had happened at the airport when we returned from mexico. We were waiting for our bags at baggage claim, and we were both exhausted, fried, worn down. I needed to use the bathroom so I teetered about until I found the closest one, which was a single occupancy bathroom. I opened the door, which said vacant, and immediately saw this girl in her mid 20s with her pants down, hands at her side, looking straight ahead at the mirror. Strange, but none of my business- she just accidentally didnt lock the door and then had to look at her pelvis in the mirror for whatever reason. She apologized and shut the door, but then when I returned to wait for my luggage she walked up right besides Genevieve and I and was glancing over at us. I started to be super distracted while Genevieve was talking to me and Genevieve asked me why I was annoyed at her. I wasnt but couldnt explain what was happening.
I didn’t like that it seemed like we were griping at each other because in my self-serving fantasy this strange airport predator was trying to either show strangers (me, in this case) her ass against their will or else was trying to steal me away from my beautiful girlfeiend through some odd lurid performance. I figured she is a wounded type of person who gets off on sick exhibitionist airport games. I dont really think thats true because it makes no sense but I did want to say ‘Ma’am, your tricks are not going to work on me, we are in love.’ and so on.
Headed to a reading now. Still groggy
Back into my routine, such as it is, almost immediately. I’m still waiting to hear back about this job that I am supposed to be doing during march and beyond, which makes me nervous, but in the meantime I just am back into working on stuff. I have some reasonable projects I’m working on which helps counteract the feeling of inadequacy and irrelevance I was having at the end and after the trip to mexico. I feel much less badly about myself than I did yesterday. Trying not to give too much credence to my negative thoughts. The trip was sort of intense and it was very rapid pace. In no way did it feel like a vacation. I need to regain the feeling that I’m in control again- this was totally obliterated by the whole experience of the wedding. I reached out to an artist to do a music video and it seems like he is interested, which makes me feel better. I have a relatively thought out plan and, if I can execute it, hopefully will prove to myself that I am capable and usefully productive.
Not in a strong place of writing these entries, though I will add that I wrote the first draft of two short stories over the trip. They are both sketches of anecdotes from my misguided drug using time period. It turns out neither of them fit for the place I was going to submit them originally, so I might have to go ahead and reach out to other places if I want to get anything published.
I have an opportunity to go see people tonight but I really feel no desire.
I should be talking about the wedding, travelling, etc. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow but right now I just feel quite insecure, and I logged in and saw that I lost my most prestigious follower on the substack. Feels like a personal rejection, as though they were the tastemaker and have decided that I am not good, and not worthy. I don’t know why I care about them in particular other than they are more famous than me. Oh well I guess what’s done is done. I also feel insecure because Genevieve has lots of productive commitments today, immediately upon our return, and I have nothing in particular. I exercised today which is helpful, but I don’t feel particularly emotionally excellent. I was tempted to just skip this entry both because of my feeling of rejection and because I am quite tired and feel significantly unfocused for some reason, but I feel like those aren’t good excuses. I reached out to someone I’m hoping to shoot with and finished two short story drafts which I will at some point submit to various publications. Hoping God or man will help me feel as though I am on a legitimate pathway soon. Don’t like the rudderless feeling that I’ve already fell too far behind.
Oh also I realized the problem with the automatic diary updater but also I realized how to fix it
Back in new york back to my stupid life.
A trying but nice 48 hours. The illness was horrible as usual and as usual it lasted exactly 24 hours. I woke up at 3am vomiting and then had a really disgusting rest of the day in and out of sleep. Waking up shitting myself, wandering about in a daze in this fancy villa looking for a laundry machine to wash my underwear. My head was in the most pain I’ve experienced in a good long while. Food poisoning is a humbling and spiritually intense experience. Apparently everyone in the wedding knew about my plight as I was given lots of pills of various effects. I’m taking one, Ondansetron, which was prescribed for chemotherapy nausea, but someone crossed that off and wrote ‘food poisoning’ with a sharpie on it for me. The day after I felt quite a bit better, though was very dehydrated and had to take a couple breaks to lie down and let some wooziness pass by. The wedding itself was quite beautiful and very impressive. Genevieve’s father gave a really nice toast and everyone seemed to have a really good time. My family has become very open about asking me if I will marry genevieve, which is fine. They also seem to think its going to be very threatening or mortifying to me but I don’t think its that big of a deal if we get married or not frankly, it just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing we are going to do right now. Either way, our families have become very intertwined, so we’ve already done most of the scary intense emotional stuff involving everyone. I have one more day with my family and in mexico, and I will do my best to have the best time I can and not get annoyed with anyone. I’m very tired, possibly still from my bout of Montezcuma’s revenge- which i’ve always thought was a fun clever name— way better than the infantile ‘Delhi Belly’ moniker. I feel like my IQ is lower than ever and I’m not writing anything interesting, but I don’t really mind. I finished two short stories and some coding this trip as well as the vacation so I feel relatively fine. I hope I don’t suddenly remember how much of a loser I am as soon as I am back in the midst of Babylon tomorrow.
Going through the hell of food poisoning in mexico. I guess it was bound to happen eventually. At least I’m in a comfortable bed, unlike last time I got food poisoning. And I have my own bathroom. I feel sort of guilty because theyre starting the festivities but I’m run down hardcore with a fever and nausea still. The vomitting has stopped so I hope that by tomorrow i’ll be better-otherwise I wont really be participating in the wedding. There having a parade now as we speak for the bride and groom, and I’m sad that I cannot go and take part, as it sounds really funny. I can barely keep my eyes open becuase the fever is making my head pound. I’ve been in and out of strange sleep for hours. Hope to recover soon
If youre interested i have fully made the code for an automatic diary updater (jarthur.online/diary), though I’m getting server errors that I need to fix to make it automatic forever. Either way I had a very good day here in sunny mexico. We got put up in the fanciest hotel in this town, possibly the ritziest place I’ve ever been. I guess there had been a mistake and we had to be booked there for just a night before we could go stay at the final location— this rented villa for gabe, genevieve’s brother, to have his wedding with Donna, his soon to be bride. I tried to soak in as much luxury as I could, but as it turns out this villa is incredibly beautiful as well. I feel quite uncomfortable with the level of luxury. I’m benefiting both from the exchange rate, and the fact that its two different family’s first child to be wed. I feel quite weird having people tend to me and bring me things, especially with the language barrier. I certainly did nothing to earn it. Trying not to think about the violent reality which I have sidestepped by being lucky in life which undergirds the society I benefit for being a part of. Still, a nice day all and all. I just worked on stuff in a beautiful veranda and then we had a really cute dinner where we met Donna’s family, who are from kazakhstan. They speak kazakh and russian so we had an extremely sweet translated conversation between the two families, all of whom seem ecstatic at the union. Its a very beautiful town- we went earlier to help plan the wedding and its as lovely as I remember. I’m trying to just let myself fully enjoy everything- and it is all going to be a very interesting spectacle, especially when the multi day festivity actually happens.
Might become less consistent in the next couple days because I will be in Mexico for Genevieve’s brothers wedding. I really like her family but they are very intense and we will likely be doing a lot of activities. Currently I’m waiting in DFW for our flight, and its being delayed because of maintenance issues. Trying not to think about all the pictures I’ve seen of Boeing aircraft with missing bolts. I did get the sensation when I woke up in the middle of the last flight (I slept through most of it somehow) that I was in a giant plastic contraption hurtling through the upper atmosphere, which of course I was. I’m very hungry. I wish I knew we had this much time to wait, but now we don’t know how soon we will board so can’t risk any excursions for food. I’ve been kind of off since yesterday, but I can’t pinpoint why. I guess it started because I was already in a groggy and off mood, and some work I was supposed to do was cancelled because the rate was too low (apparently- I don’t even know what it was supposed to be), but the same person is hiring me to do something coming up- some motion graphicsy thing. I sent her some samples which meant I had to look over a couple things I had made and some of the first stuff I made looks worse than I remember, so I started to feel like an idiot fraud. In particular I couldn’t find the fixed version of a music video, and so I can only see the halfway mark and it just didn’t look good. Really sloppy and ugly. I hope that doing this job will give me better examples of aftereffects stuff I won’t be ashamed of, but I now feel like I will totally fail when put to the test. It also makes me think about this film stuff I want to do, and I feel like there is no way around being really bad at it until I become the best at it. Its a bit overwhelming to start at all, and I feel too old to be this bad at something I’m trying to do. The right approach is to have this motivate me to work harder to get through this stage so that I become better and better but I don’t feel very confident right at this moment. Being in mexico will probably be good for me- its good to have your routine disrupted now and then, and we’re going to a very beautiful place to engage in a positive thing. My head hurts and I really want to eat a bunch of protein
Depressed sort of- more just groggy- and not taking care of myself. Hard to think about much when we should probably all self immolate. Going to mexico tomorrow will write more on plane.
All I’ve been doing for the last 24 hours is coding this diary automation thing (which is sort of working at jarthur.online/diary) but isn’t quite ready. Im very very close. I’ve also been reading the sluts by dennis cooper. I thought I would hate it because I hate sex, and I don’t like gratuity, but I dont think its bad so far. I like that he’s playing with layers of unreliable narration as well as the reader’s own titilation in a smarter way than I expected. I’m going downtown w Kevin now to see some sort of art thing I know nothing about. I have to go home not long after bc I need to pack and clean in preperation for going to Mexico tuesday morning. Genevieve’s brother’s wedding. I feel a bit apprehensive- we’re there until the 4th. Her family always takes up a lot of our time when we see them.Its not really my place to decline. Wish I didnt know have a headache. It’s too easy to get sucked into programming and beat your head against it for hours like I did today. Better than watching tv at least
Tired in large part because I went to David Lynch’s club until 4 AM last night. It was not very lynchian. It was your average red-lit room filled with gay people dancing. I did see Dese and Noah and they had a table so I got to sit at a table. I think its more exciting for someone who drinks the vodka the girl brings over and also someone who is single because they can say “hey do you want to come hang out at my table?” to someone they are interested in. I did enjoy dancing because some large trans woman was playing favela shit. Before that I was at Alyssa’s show and saw Cooper B Hardy perform, which was fun. I think I’m going to try to shoot a music video for him soon. Anyway I’m tired today but I read all morning and then went to this weird info session for this gallery thing I’m participating in with my friend Lyle. We are making music for a kind of exquisite corpse style collaboration. Its all a little corny, but I actually think it will be a fun excercise in and of itself. I am slightly worried because the person going before us in line (meaning we will have to compose our several minutes of contribution based on the last bit of her piece) is weird and really rubbed me the wrong way. She’s a bit older and maybe a tiny bit batty but she wouldn’t stop asking about mastering and file formats. I think shes like a pro musician, but if anything it makes it weirder to me. She was asking the person who was going first if they were going to do serve her file at 44.1 khz or 48khz and the girl was like “I think I’ll just do it in 4/4?" and said she was going to record it on her iphone. Thats a funny interaction if you know what it means and tells me this woman is a bit weird. I’ve just been coding since then because I’m trying to figure out this one thing I want to do with the diary. The diary’s been on my mind so I’ve been tinkering with getting it to autopopulate a page on the website where it can all be seen as one long text block that can be skipped around in. Both more and less user friendly than substack in attractive ways. I’m mainly exhausted, as I keep repeating, but proud of myself for having sober fun at the club despite the fact that its corny to admit it. I’m going to bathe and continue reading because I’m running out of steam on figuring out this coding thing.
Since starting to send emails I’ve talked more about the diary than normal. Had a conversation with Kevin and this other person whose name now I forget on the way back from a meeting and this new person was asking me about why I did the diary and so on. They were saying that it would be most interesting if I was intensely honest in the way a diary should, which I more or less try to do. The problem is for one thing, I lead an ordinary life, which is full of lots of interesting details, but not necessarilly ones that are soul wrenching to provide. The emotions and gossip that I don’t describe on the diary isn’t the best stuff, though I’m sure I leave out things that people would want to hear. I’m trying not to give out personal information for other people who dont consent to it, for what are probably fairly obvious reasons. The only thing I could talk about right now (besides self pitying insecurities) is the fear I get when Genevieve is partying. I’ve been anxious before when shes out for a long time, but recently its been more acute. A big part of me also just wants her not to be able to enjoy getting drunk or using drugs, because I desperately wish I was able to drink and use drugs. I would get very jealous and anxious around this stuff when I was not being very sober, but recently I don’t think its been that. Weve had some conflicts about it and now its a little rawer than usual. On wednesday after her opening I left early and felt weird about it, especially bc she asked if I wanted her to go home with me instead of staying out and I like half said yes, but she said she was having fun so she stayed out. An hour after I got home she called me and was like “I am going to hang out for another hour and come home". This helped me a lot and I fell asleep right after, whereas usually I would fret and worry. It does make me realize its very fear based. Sometimes I get scared shell be drugged or raped or killed or any combination of those. I used to put myself into extremely risky situations constantly without a second thought, but on the other side now I have a paternalistic worry about behavior that is relatively speaking pretty safe. The other thing thats going on with me that is a bit emotionally tender is that I’ve been thinking about shooting cocaine. Not thinking about it as in formulating a plan, but its come up in my mind more than usual. I think that it started when I was reminded of the last time I saw someone shooting up, which was a yearish or two ago at OFlaherties gallery after a show and people were partying and some east village seeming guy was slamming something while someone else gave us candy and was like ‘look over here’. At that time I remember being like ‘I should probably leave’ and then Genevieve wanted to stay because insanely she thought it was useful. We did leave soon after that but it was all strange and none of it felt good. Anyway I think I sort of blacked out that the guy was shooting up but it came back to my attention and I have been thinking about shooting cocaine the last day or two. When I’m having IV cravings for some reason its usually cocaine, even though I was more into shooting speedballs or just h/fent. I think the amount and frequency of cocaine I would inject during certain phases of my addiction and the fact that its so much dopamine being released at once has just indelibly imprinted on my brain. Its a sensation so intense that its psychedelic, and isnt that comparable to any other sensation I have ever felt. Its just undergoing the most exciting thing you can imagine as a child but multiplied by an order of magnitude. Adding opiates introduces a wonderful zen like bliss which then takes you into a very alert but relaxed high. Its basically so good that its insane I dont still do it. Sad to know that I will never ever feel that good again no matter what, but thats the cost of being a drug addict in recovery. Trying to turn it over to God. I feel feeble and human and need a great power to hold my hand through the world. I’m working a wedding right now (hiding in the closet) and they have a southern protestant pastor. I think the groom is gay. I’ve been praying a lot today. I’m realizing how much fear I’m living in. I think I already said that. I want the fear to dissipate. I don’t just want to be brave but I want to feel unfettered by it. God have mercy on me, a sinner. Your way is the way of eternal life. Amen
GG’s show last night, fun and all except almost everyone I talked to said something completely insane to me. Oh well. I don’t like to party, its not a big deal. Today I was very tired for whatever reason and I took forever to get started. Went and helped Gen wrap up a sculpture to be delivered somewhere. I think I got a job lead on something that pays well, so that will be helpful. Now I’m just in clinton hill at the library. I ate at the coffee shop near my old work because they have a cubano sandwich. I cant believe I ate it every day. Highly fatty, I still feel lougish and off. Maybe thats why I hated that job.
I feel like I have little to say today. I’ve just been working on some code stuff and some prose writing I’m trying to finish. I might go to an ex’s noise show tonight. I feel a little bit cliche sometimes, and foolish almost always. I feel relatively content at the moment, nonetheless and despite it all.
Still losing followers. I won’t feel right until we’re in a bull market again. Last night I spoke at an AA meeting, which I hadn’t done in a while. It was a literature meeting so I was tasked with choosing a passage out of the literature and speaking on that for 15 minutes. I did the easy way where I prayed for God to select the passage for me and opened the book and lo and behold I opened to page 48, the chapter called We Agnostics. my eyes went to this passage:
The prosaic steel girder is a mass of electrons whirling around each other at incredible speed. These tiny bodies are governed by precise laws, and these laws hold true throughout the material world. Science tells us so. We have no reason to doubt it. When, however, the perfectly logical assumption is suggested that underneath the material world and life as we see it, there is an All Powerful, Guiding, Creative Intelligence, right there our perverse streak comes to the surface and we laboriously set out to convince ourselves it isn't so. We read wordy books and indulge in windy arguments, thinking we believe this universe needs no God to explain it. Were our contentions true, it would follow that life originated out of nothing, means nothing, and proceeds nowhere.
This is a passage I really like, and one that was important to me when coming in. I don’t really think the chapter makes a very convincing case for the existence of God (which it tries to do) for an atheist, but it did help me abandon a lot of mental blockages I had towards doing sobriety the 12 step way. Since I was in rehab at a young age, and came in and out of 12 step meetings, I developed a complex set of reasons that AA was wrong or wouldnt work for me, and they are pretty reasonable reservations. Theres enough stupid people in any 12 step room that you can convince yourself that your dealing with a bunch of idiots who don’t seem like they can teach you anything. Reading the above passage was similar to an experience I had when in my first rehab where I was talking to this big bulky meat head meth guy (there were a few of them in there). I’m a relatively small person now, but at the time I was also totally emaciated, basically a weakling nerd, and I hadn’t gone through the various things that have since given me a sort of respectable toughness in spite of my thin build and the fact that I’m a dork. Anyway, I was talking to this strong, dumb meathead about working out- we all had to go to the gym and so I was asking his advice on how to gain muscle etc. He was giving me advice on muscle synthesis or nutrition or something or rather. We all know that gym guys have their own parallel pseudo science that comes from the strange worlds of sports medicine, nutrition, and right wing vulgar biology. He was saying some kind of thing (definitely cant remember what it was in particular) and I sort of corrected him (probably bc it wasn’t exactly true) and he basically said “look at me, and then look at you- now whose advice should you follow?”
The way this is similar to the passage, and in general a big part of what has been beneficial of the experience of AA is it cuts through the insane gordian knots we can develop in our heads(especially around behavioral patterns that are self reinforcing and mentally distorting). Sometimes people in AA say “I quit the debate club” to capture this idea. Prayer is really important for this- it gives the humility necessary to make it an automatic assumption that you might not know everything there is to know. Athiests have remarked on this to me, that prayer works for them, and it I think this is a huge mechanism for why it works. At first giving up this control feels like your letting go of your one grip on sanity, but it turns out humility is extremely freeing. Thank god I don’t have to know everything- I just have to make my best decisions on the information I currently have. Anyway so I talked about this aspect of my spirituality and recovery and I was pretty motor mouthed and crazed and it was only 12 minutes (supposed to be 15-20) but I think it actually went well and we had a good conversation. Some old black guy with crazy lazy eyes came up to me and was like “As a fellow christian, do you think about Spiritual Warfare?” and I had a very strange conversation with him, but I’m not complaining.
Today I finished a short script and some of this prose I’ve been working on, and started gathering some old audio material from live shows I should probably turn into a little EP. Tired now, working out first thing tomorrow. Need to keep praying- I talked about it a lot but forgot to do it today.
The night of the 17th after the annoying shift was the murder mystery party. It turned out very well- really fun time was had by all. It became predictably chaotic, and many of the details we wrote got washed out by the sheer spectacle. I think it ended up being good that it was essentially overwritten for the length of time, so that a huge deluge of details and contradictory evidence came forth, which was a funny effect and kept everyone yelling at each other and having a good time etc. I would like to do another one (in a bit) if I could, as I think we learned a number of ways to improve the murder mystery concept and streamline the experience. I know people do this for money, it would be really funny to run a murder mystery party service professionally. I also will say I’m proud of my performance as the psychic medium from the far east. I did wear a towel as a turban on my head, which some people said was cultural appropriation (?) but I’ve noticed people only call out ‘cultural appropriation’ as a way of stopping fellow white people from having fun, and not to try to mitigate any kind of emotional harm.
I’m already having a difficult time focusing today, but I need to get back into writing now that I have a couple of days with no work planned. I spoke at an AA meeting last night, and could delve into the details, but I should save it for another entry as I am just catching up on yesterday and I don’t expect a lot of notable things to happen today that I can write about. The pressure is on to make my diary readable and interesting every day now that they are being sent by email.
Lost another coward bastard follower. Gained one last night but I’m down one total. I guess the people hate me. Working a very annoying wedding now. The photographers in particular are extremely annoying and also unprofessional. This woman knocked over the concecrated wine as the bridal party was proceeding. She blamed the set up for being too tight, but I’ve seen her knock over other things since then. The priest pointed to the wine and said “See, Jesus’ blood was spilled for you!” which saved the mood. the dj is just some friend of theirs and hes doing sort of a bad job as well. Anyway it sucks and I want to leave. Finally the murder mystery party tonight, which I hope goes bery well. I will be playing the Grand Bovinious, a psychic medium invited to do a seance (which was a popular form of entertainment in 1904 (I think)). I feel neurotic and self conscious and I forgot to take my meds this morning so I feel nauseous and weird. Hoping to hit the ground running on some projects early tomorrow and feel a renewed sense of optimism and control over my destiny
Lost but gained a follower yesterday, making the Feb 16 2024 post the most controversial diary entry yet.
Now that I’m sending out emails each day which offer the chance to read my diary, I feel as though I am asking people to care about something repellently self involved and annoyingly solipsistic. Therefore, I assume the diary will focus less on my feelings and day to day neuroses, and more on half baked ideas that I hope will make someone think I’m smart. I feel a renewed sense of self consciousness, but that will go away with time and I will just not think about it in short order.
I’m working another wedding, as it is currently wedding season. Boring wedding. They have a lot of toasts. Watching stranger’s wedding toasts also makes me feel self conscious, because they are generally pretty bad. They’re usually ill-advised attempts to be funny. I think I’m pretty funny, I can get my friends to laugh usually, I like to make jokes and I say a lot of them. I use humor as a defense mechanism, and this is supposed to make people funny. These people, presumably, also think theyre funny, and people laugh in response, but usually the whole ordeal seems so deprived of anything that I recognize as ‘humor’ that I feel like an alien insect studying human sociality who has stumbled on one of the complex interactions which differentiates us from purely rational beings. Do other people feel this way about me? I don’t think people dislike me, but if strangers don’t think my jokes are funny, then I may not be funny. I don’t think I could approach a stranger and make them laugh. I guess this is the test of a good comedian, and not if someone is or isn’t funny. I’m definitely not a comedian, but that doesn’t mean I’m not funny. Sometimes I try to go an entire day without telling jokes, and I find it difficult to go five minutes. The big problem with swearing off all humor is that an attempt to do that is so ridiculous that it becomes a joke in and of itself. I also think fundamental to my worldview is the fact that all things everywhere at all times are suffused with infinite comedy and infinite tragedy, and this is core to being an experiencing being (dare I say, core to Dasein). My short story last rejected was rejected, in part, because the editor ‘doesn’t like humor,’ but I really wasn’t trying to be funny at all in the piece. In personal news I think I have a sinus infection , and I’m worried I didn’t carry my weight on the writing of our murder mystery script, which now is 23 pages long. I think I am no longer going to identify as a person with an easy job. I have a reasonably difficult job that only someone with a specialized skill set can do.
One of my great fears has come true, dear reader. Since beginning to send emails, I have lost a subscriber. I wish I could plead and beg this person to stay, but they are no longer receiving my emails. I feel personally hurt that my day to day activities and thoughts are so unassuming and so uninteresting that they went out of their way to click on the link to ‘unsubscribe.’ I implore you, reading this now, to not repeat this mistake. This diary will only become better and better as I become smarter or dumber, depending on which way my life turns. I’m at work now, waiting on this event to start. I’m getting really bored of my job. It used to be that half the time it would be a band or a film screening or at least something that required something more than a mixer and a projector repeating a slideshow, but recently its been all weddings, which are very boring events for me. It essentially means I’m doing glorified food service. I took this job in part because I hate food service, though I think I hated working at the print shop more in retrospect. I feel understimulated and anxious through a lot of my shifts, and I am not looking forward to working all weekend. Thats the other thing- because its weddings its all weekend shifts, which means I have to either forego money or the opportunity to do anything, and theres nothing worth my time enough to give up the income so I end up doing nothing other than work on pointless projects at home or work at my pointless job. I guess its all the same as if I went to some pointless party but my life feels a bit unbalanced now in addition to feeling a little pointless. I am working on this script for the murder mystery party we’re doing on Sunday, and its come along quite well. Its very fleshed out and funny and complicated, like a good murder mystery party should be. Three of us worked on it together and that seems like a good amount to get this thing done. I will be playing a psychic medium, which is a bit outside my acting range, though I’m sure I will not be ruining the experience with my limited thespian prowess. Earlier I worked out so hard that I almost threw up, so hopefully I will be very strong soon. I need to eat more. I’m very tired and loopy from overtraining, so I’m hoping it means the shift goes by quickly.
Today was pretty stupid. This morning I just kind of wasted a lot of time after waking up really early. I had to fix my DNS problems, which I hope I have now completely finished toying around with. I had to go meet Genevieve to help her deal with some passport trouble, and my plan was then to go work in the library afterwards and then go to a meeting, but I started to feel really nauseous and got a splitting headache. I think the problem is that I haven’t been eating enough. I am resuming working out tomorrow, which I’m hoping will begin to fix everything, though I worry I’ll feel extra sick afterwards, especially if I don’t eat enough beforehand. I decided to forego all of that and go home. I saw an insane man walking along the tracks and acting erratically. I didnt know what to do and I started to go and get help, but some people pulled him out and then dragged him, unwilling, to the police. I didn’t have a much better plan. I guess I shouldve stuck around to retrieve him with them. Very scary and sad. He seemed like a very confused man. I took a bath to try to deal with my headache and ate a bunch. I still feel queasy, but mainly I feel like I just failed at one of the few days I’ve had to work on stuff. I guess I’ve been thinking about things somewhat productively. I’m trying to write this thing I had planned to be about 20 minutes for something like 5 minutes. I feel very limited by everything, and stupid for trying, and stupid for not making any progress. I did get some writing done on a short story. I’m sort of surprised to find myself without a clear idea of what I’m supposed to be doing, but that was bound to happen. I’m working all weekend, which is annoying, but I guess it will mean I know what I’m supposed to be doing. I have a murder mystery party on Sunday, and it feels a bit like its riding on me, because I wrote a lot of it with two of my friends. I have the most murder mystery party experience, but experience with these things can only get you so far. I suppose I’ll be able to write stuff at work over the weekend because my job is easy. I’m rambling. I hope I stop feel nauseous soon and I hope the fact that I didn’t have time to go to an ash wednesday service does not damn me to an eternity in hell
The subdomain broke again, but I think the CNAME address just was propogating still? blah blah blah
I was really depressed yesterday but felt fine by the end of the day. I had a really confusing therapy appointment where my therapist grilled me on why I’m not pursuing music anymore and I strangely tried to explain it in terms of peter thiel’s book which I’ve been reading during downtime at work. I don’t really know what my conclusion from the session was but I said I didn’t feel any better about my life at the end and felt confused, and he said that being confused means youre thinking about something, which seems like a cop out. My depressive mood continued for a bit but I went to the library anyway and felt sort of productive for doing so, even though I’m not sure I did anything at all except for print some documents genevieve needs to renew her passport. She has to do this crazy emergency renewal because passports are backed up for like 6 months in advance, and they make you wait until the last minute unless you have it in motion extremely far in advance. Another marker of things sort of breaking down.
I didn’t really mention (not that anyone asked) my sensations watching the superbowl. It was a much better game than last year, but the overwhelming sensation of the thing was that our empire is in decline. I feel like its pretty trite to say that, but I’m starting to come around to the belief that we as a people are missing some sort of creative impulse. You can only watch so many advertisements that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars per second and which had absolutely nothing to say without perceiving something amiss within the culture theyre speaking to.
My substack went down again while I was writing but it seems to be back now. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong, though I don’t think I did this time. I don’t know what substack has to do on their end, but on the domain side (my side) its a relatively simple matter of redirecting the traffic from the subdomain ‘diary’ — hence ‘diary.jarthur.online’ to substack’s redirect service. As I was typing that it went down so I’m just gonna finish this stupid post in a word processor.
I need to go to the post office today to prove to tell them that I’ve known genevieve goffman for 8 years.
The thing went down and I had to spend a good while fixing it. I think I may have fixed it by using vercel (my react deployment) nameservers and having that have a cname record. I think the fundamental problem was that my new host didn’t provide the correct ssl certificate. I also got a ssl certificate, though I shouldnt have prolly done it so maybe I wasted 30 bucks. Anyway I dont want to write anymore about tech stuff and I’ve already wasted enough of today. I’m starting to work on another script but I’m discouraged by the fact that I need to either make something under 15 minutes or something longer than 90 minutes. That seems very very restrictive Its similar to writing where you must either make something under 2000 words or else write a novel. If I can’t adapt to these limitations it means something bad and it also will limit me highly. I don’t know what I expected or wanted but I would like to win. I feel like I am losing currently. I’ve been experiencing intermittent nausea which I really wish would stop. Maybe I’m pregnant
Biggest break so far. I migrated my domain to a different registrar for whatever reason and I messed up the DNS record stuff. Doesn’t matter, it was a boring technical mistake thats now fixed. It occurred exactly the day I decided that as part of a suite of personal changes I will be utilizing the mass email feature and trying generally to get more readers of the diary. I suppose a part of my process will also be more directed in terms of what I’m writing- but that remains to be seen. I think actually a lot happened in my brain the last 4 days but its all gone. I was at work a lot and became very depressed. Now I have a cold an am still depressed. I’m unclear on what I’m doing in life, I don’t see anything good happening to me in the near future, and feel very insecure. This feeling usually doesn’t last too long, and I woke up today with enough energy to push through it, I think.
I guess the most notable event that happened during the downtime was the superbowl. I watched it at my friend’s house who is newly sober. He seems depressed. At least he tells me so. I think everyone I know is in a downturn. This may be related to the darkness and coldness of February. Never fun to admit how seasonal our emotions are, but its an unavoidable fact. I’ve been thinking about hard drugs more than usual recently, something to watch. I’ve also been going to several 12 step meetings, including a new program which I refuse to get into on here at this time.
I havent written for a little bit because I was busy and then inconsolably depressed, I’m hoping today to finish the Lenz script. I’ve all but given up on creating it as a film right now. Too long and complicated and expensive. I’d like to immediately start writing another script that I could actually make. I think I have an idea I can work on w my coworker. I think the only way out of me being a loser is to make something. I have two shows coming up but they feel incredibly unsatisfying to me for reasons I can’t explain. I really want to make film and since I’ve set that as a goal nothing will compensate for it. I have silly goals but they must be met.
I’m concerned this isn’t a very good entry to instantiate my new phase of sending emails but they’ll get good again when I’m less self conscious an also less depressed.
pretty bad night last night. at first fine night that got bad really really late. I dont know. First we hashed out some murder mystery stuff. Whatever about that, afterwards we went to this performance a friend did, and a lot of people I know were there. Genevieve was coming and was across the street having a meeting and came in late. I won’t get into her stuff, but something interpersonal that happened was brought to her as a surprise, and she was really upset and in the middle of the performance she couldn’t focus and decided to leave. I need to be vague because I don’t want to air anyones stuff out on here other than mine, but it wouldn’t be particularly interesting for you to know but she had an interaction with someone that really upset her and left and met up with a friend. I was really worried about her, but she told me to stay and I figured I could go find her and that she was with someone who could be good for her to talk to in that moment. We had trouble communicating, and I think she was in a kind of runaway mode where she would tell herself that she was going home, as she thinks that is the sensible thing to do, and then she would accordingly tell me that she was going home, but then change her mind and stay out. She definitely uses staying out and partying as a method of getting rid of negative emotions. That’s kind of what its for, after all. I can’t do that anymore at all, and this gives us a bit of friction. Anyway, I went home at 1:30 after hanging out with people and not really knowing what was going on with her because she said she was about to go home. It took me a while to get a train so I was home maybe at 2:30 and hadn’t heard from her. She told me she was gonna go home at that point and I was in and out of sleep for an hour. When I realized she hadn’t been back or talked to me for an hour I got really worried. I assumed she had been kidnapped and assaulted and other such horrible things. I kept calling her and couldn’t reach her, and eventually she got back to me and said she was at a friend’s studio. I was already super heightened and upset and demanded to know who she was with, because classically if someone tells you their hanging out with ‘a friend’ at 4 in the morning its suspicious. Anyway she said it was this guy B****. I don’t really know this person, and I had them confused with someone else I met one time through Gen. In my head, B**** was this man that Genevieve had slept with one time because he saved her life (from a passing car, if I remember correctly). I immediately said a bunch of really nasty stuff, and started acting extremely angry. We had a horrible conversation and it felt really bad. Eventually I learned that B**** was not whoever I was thinking of, and she also was not alone. In fact she was with like 3 gay guys, most of whom I know. It was bad, it felt bad for both of us, I feel horrible. We’re not upset at each other anymore. I think I was closest to drinking last night than I have been in a year. When I was waiting for a response after I realized I said some of the meaner things i’ve ever said to someone I really love I felt like I was going to explode out of my skin and my brain frantically searched for an out. We have a tiny bottle of Cointreau from a thanksgiving pie GG made. I picked it up and considered what it would mean to drink it. I immediately didn’t want to. When I picked it up I did undergo a proustian reverie remembering the last time I drank Cointreau to my knowledge, which was years and years ago when my grandmother died and we were staying at her house dealing with her affairs. When everyone else would go to bed I would stay up and make different cocktails with her extensive liquor cabinet. The last thing I remember was drinking straight from a bottle of Cointreau before I blacked out and woke up with an insane hangover and realized I had drank an entire handle. That was the day of my grandmother’s funeral. Really dark day. I think I also said some nasty stuff that day.
Today I feel totally worthless, sleep deprived, insecure. Low self esteem. I wish I could write more but not only do I physically feel enfeebled but I also feel the most powerless and worthless I have in months. I can’t imagine any action I take having any positive effect on either myself or the world. This sensation will pass, but I think today might be a dud.
I’m making real headway on this Lenz thing, but increasingly I’m accepting that this is just a workout for my screenwriting muscles. It’s totally unfilmable at any budget I will have access to. Trying not to be blackpilled on my prospects for future projects. Someone had floated me this idea for a music video for this guy Dull, but when I reached out to them they basically told me theres a dimes square civil war going on. So stupid. I know sort of what happened because I saw on Dull’s album release party that Bronze Age Shawty (I cringe at having to write this name) was ‘hosting.’ I literally think I already wrote about this on the diary but bear with me. Anyway I know who that is because I blocked her when she had like 300 followers for being insane and annoying and following me. I dont understand why anyone would do differently on encountering her but I guess shes made a little name for herself on twitter dot com by being antagonistic and doing edgelord right wing stuff online. Its all so embarrassing. I mean I could reach out to this Dull guy myself and broach the idea of a music video but the whole thing makes me not want to be any closer to anyone at all even tangentially connected to Downtown New York. I feel grossed out all the time now and it sucks. I don’t like what it says about me that I’m close at all to this stuff. Sometimes I’ll hear gossip about the red scare girls and it makes me want to end my life. I just don’t like it! I don’t want it as a part of my life! Everyone knows what I’m talking about. “Dimes square” etc. I mean I guess I tried to be included in a reading at sovereign house and was rejected so I’m even worse than someone who was involved. I don’t like feeling like a parasite on something that I feel repulsed by. I hope whatever circuitous path I decide to take in the future I don’t feel like I’m being squeezed on all sides by some kind of oozing nihilistic narcissism the way I do now.
I’m thinking about the project to do after I finish this Lenz script. Once I have a first draft I want to leave it for a while. I feel like I need to do this one short story I have kicking around in my mind so I can submit to some stuff again, and i have two different music projects to work on. After those are more underway I have two things I might look into in terms of writing scripts- one is sort of inspired by my work at the hotel, and I have a friend there who wants to work on stuff, so I might link up with him. Hope he doesnt suck at writing. The other thing is I sort of want to continue this thing I’ve started now that I’m thinking about german theater and romanticism. I have a copy of Lenz’s plays and he has one that I think resonates today. I’ll read it and ensure that I can find a way to adapt/ steal the contours of, and then hopefully write that. The rest of the day I’m helping come up with this murder mystery party for my friend’s birthday with these two guys, and then were gonna go see our mutual friend’s performance. The only other thing in my life is that I am having trouble running. I am trying to resume running as a means to keep my cardiovascular conditioning up and also to make myself less liable to have suicidal thoughts. It feels like a necessary supplement to my currently rigorous strength training regimint. Unfortunately, as of now, even resuming running at a much slower pace and for less distance, I am developing horrible pain in my ankles after less than a mile. I am told it could be about my footstrike. I tried to bounce on the front of my foot more, but it wasn’t quite enough. Googling leads to the problem of being exposed to strange and unlikely diagnoses, and I don’t really know what to do next. One thing at a time, presumably
Not sure why I didnt make an entry yesterday. I wrote all day, pretty productive, at 40 pages now. Hopefully about halfway done almost. Then I had a weird family financial meeting where I was reminded I need to get a divorce, make a living will in case I become a vegetable, and that I’m a spoiled rich kid. My family was like ‘were sorry we didnt spend more money’ but I did go to private high school and also many rehabs so I wasn’t cheap. Whatever. Full of shame but cant complain about it, as its extremely unrelatable. Today I feel exhausted but I’m heading downtown now to write until AA meeting nearby. The only other thing that happened was this guy was gonna introduce me to this musician, but they had this party where ‘Bronze Age Shawty’ ‘hosted’ and so the guy said theres a ‘scene explosion’/’dimes square civil war’. I hate that account I didnt think anyone followed her, she followed me and had like 200 followers and I blocked her based on the name. I dont know why these parties even have hosts. I think that we should get rid of downtown new york, I know many agree. I’m not that worried about this specific project but its a slog to get anything at all done ever. Need to make progress soon on something or I’ll die. real progress. real death.
Had a big day sort of by accident. I went to the big hip artsy meeting and some sort of famous guy spoke. I know hes famous but I’ve never really known why. I think hes doing a streetwear line now. Nothing too interesting. It was a great meeting though, tbh. I didnt sleep well and I had had the pregnancy scare so I felt sort of strange already, but I had a good time hanging out w people after the meeting. I’m not gonna name names but I’m getting exhausted with how many people have the same problems with the same contours each time I see them, but I suppose this is one of those steadfast rules of existing as a human- the patterns of behavior are repeated. After the meeting I tried to write in the library to mixed success, and then I gave up and had to go pick up something from a gallery I’m friends with- I had made an ornament for their christmas tree and it didnt sell, which doesnt shock me, but meant i had to get it out of their hair. After that I did a brief errand and saw someone I knew a tiny bit from the outside world, but had seen in an AA meeting, so I brought it up and we talked very briefly. Hes always been really obnoxious when I’ve seen him in public but when I saw him in the meeting he all but said “im struggling to not be obnoxious” so I want to be nice to him. After that the library was closing. I had planned to stay till 8 bc J had forgot it closes at 5 on Saturday. I wrote up in the weird balcony section of Essex Market, which is kind of a terribly dinful place to work, but I sort of locked in and wrote 10 pages of Lenz adaptation. I was doing this monologue that is possibly the most famous part of the novella because it has Lenz talking about his opinions on german idealism and art, and so its relevant as it may elucidate Buchner’s aesthetic principles.
Eventually my friend met up with me and we went to the Lomex opening and it was all the usual suspects and I have little to say about that or the art. It was fine. There was a guy wearing a trump hat and also a man who may have been pretending to be a non english speaker (heavy asian accent) who was harrassing women. I don’t really know how to explain it but it seemed like he may have been trolling. Strange thing to do either way. I dont know. Maybe he was just a foreign creep. Maybe if I was nonwhite I would try to do something similar, but I hope I would be nice and polite to women. After the opening we went and saw Salo at the lincoln center. I feel like I should have a lot to say about it, but mainly I just felt bummed that it was so much less full of life than the other Pasolini films I’ve seen, and clearly just his most famous for being grotesque. Even the grotesque stuff, while disquieting and disturbing is not anywhere near as visceral as the snuff films I’ve been exposed to on the internet- rotten.com and ebaums world, and recently twitter. It was funny to see this group of dorky intellectuals half heartedly clap at the end of a movie about making teenagers eat diarrhea. I think theres a deeper critique at something I can’t quite describe in words in the whole experience than Pasolini could have unlocked in 1975.
Today I’m at work for a wedding with a very self sufficient DJ, which means I will not be doing much today. Hopefully I can sneak away and write some Lenz. I’m having muscular spasms and may have been having heart palpitations last night. I’m extremely sore from excercising my shoulders and hip adductors/abductors. Would much rather be laying in bed.
Woke up early and ran and worked out really hard and then did my stepwork and then met with my sponsor and went to a meditation meeting. Very healthy day where I did all my healthy good boy chores. I do feel centered and have a sense of mental health despite only sleeping for a couple hours last night. Returning to yesterday, the meeting I went to was one I was going to all last year because I was acting as the groups treasurer. I sort of started getting tired of it and developed a sense that I was a bit different than the people there, who mainly didnt have really low bottoms in their alcoholism and addiction, and who are looking to develop professional careers and have children currently. Two of the people in the group are pregnant, one in her final trimester. I was talking to her and was getting a text from GG because her period has been strange last month and then late this month. She took a pregnancy test and is not pregnant, but it felt notable to have a pregnancy scare at that moment. I’ve actually never had a pregnancy scare at all before, which is maybe kind of surprising. Seems like a relatively common occurance in most people’s lives (if they have sex). Makes me think a bit about how in many generations it would be strange if I didn’t have children now, and the fact that I have no concrete plans about it. I have not sworn off having children but the notion feels so absurd now- like theres no chance in hell I would be capable of producing a full coherant child with my life in the state its in. This isnt precisely true, and I think many who end up really excelling at parenting feel the exact same way. Either way I have not gotten my girlfriend pregnant so it will not be pressently occuring.
New month- rabbit rabbit. I woke up late but committed to writing 7 pages of Lenz adaptation and cleaning the house, which I did both of, so a fine day despite the late start. I went to a meeting to try to get a commitment and failed. A newcomer friend was supposed to come but didnt so I guess I have to yell at him. My friend who was there is being really intense and also said he’s been more suicidal than normal because I jokingly said something about killing myself. I did give an honest account of suicidal ideation, which is infrequent but does happen regularly. It’s not very serious almost ever, which is the metric for my mental health. If its common and hard to ignore that of course is a very bad sign, but I can relegate and circumscribe the negative emotional voice into a controlled space in my brain it doesn’t really cause a problem in my life. Meditation helps with the actual proximate experience of negative thoughts, but eating well and exercising and feeling like I am taking positive actions to go somewhere make the voice much less powerful to begin with, as they deal with the distal cause of negative emotions. Its boring to talk about mental health. I’m sort of bored. I want something really fucking good to happen to me. I want acclaim and esteem and to be given money for my efforts. I want to be on a stage and have beautiful women throw their underwear at me. I also want everyone to know that I am far too mysterious and emotionally complex to ever even understand or relate to. I would like everyone to recognize my innate genius and fall over trying to aid me in whatever I want. Hopefully soon.
First year of month is done. Feel like time is pressing down on me. Slept poorly and felt horrible this morning. Genevieve seemed to not sleep at all, so I feel bad complaining. Either way we both feel nervous about our stature. I feel I have nothing to show for anything. I guess thats an adequate result from the quality of work Ive put in. Need to work harder to be better. Went to therapy today and cant remember it, but Ive been talking to this guy who goes to my therapists wife the same time. It turns out hes a filmmaker, and so I now have to talk to him about filmmaking but he makes me feel even more fraudulent. Today I was talking about writing this script and he remarked that he thought I was already in motion on the project. He meant nothing by it but it stung. I worked on the script the rest of the day until now, so thats something, but I’m in a tiny bind because I simply dont think I will currently be able to get the resources to make a feature length historical drama, which is what this is turning into, but I refuse to give up as I cant let myself fail anymore times. I need to just complete the script so I can work on something else. I’m having trouble today because I have helpful secondary sources on Oberlin (which is why ive been tweeting about him) but nothing on Lenz. I think I understand the more abstract nature of his character, but I need the actual textures of his thought and speech etc. I luckily found a 20$ copy of his plays by spelling his name the german way. When I searched previously they were over 200$ for a soft cover. I’m eating ramen now and then going to a meeting. Already excited to go to sleep
I’ve been productive the last two days, but tired. Very tired today. Feels like I barely slept despite getting almost 8 hours. I’ve been working on Max Msp and also this Lenz script but looking at either right now makes my head sort of go blank. I’m working from home so maybe thats why. I’m not working enough, and I’m working out a lot. I was gonna go to a meeting tonight but newcomers I was gonna bring couldnt go so I feel unpressured now and don’t want to get up, but its making me feel sluggish and like a loser. I wish I was better at relaxing. I don’t actually have any impending stressors beyond ordinary life, and yet I feel like I’m flailing in rising water. I don’t like this groggy feeling I get so frequently. Maybe I shouldve worked outside the home today, even though I didn’t think I had that much time to do that.
Month is nigh over. Stressful. I dont feel great today- acid reflux, nausea, headache. At work for a sort of asinine long island couple wedding. They were high school sweethearts and there was cheering and jeering over the mention of rival high schools during a toast by the brother in law. Theres 4 people in the DJ team, one of whom is a cousin of the couple, and whenever I go over there they rib each other for my benefit- “This guy- I’m stuck with him, he may be a dumbass, but he’s my son!”
I feel ancy and bored in addition to the physical symptoms I’m experienceing for reasons unknown. Nonetheless I think I’m going to go to a party after the shift. I stayed in last night after plans fell througg and worked on Max MSP stuff and then watched half of The Addiction by Abel Ferrera. Hes a sort of ridiculous director. Fun to watch. I wish I was directing films while I was on dope.
The party tonight is for someone who works in photo production so I have a vague idea that it would be good for me to talk to some people who may be able to get me work in the future. Want to get back and work on Lenz. Tired. Need more work. Feel odd. Only an hour of work left and then a maybe 2 or three hours of being at a party.
Worked on Lenz adaptation the whole day and then went to a meeting. Normal day for a guy like me. I’m worried about my ability to pull off lenz now that I’m getting down to specifics. Theres a sort of gravity pulling me towards doing it in a way I don’t always feel, but I also really want it to be done right, and I’m going to be running into serious budgetary constraints (not having one at all currently). I guess you just have to let God tell you what to do and not worry about it, letting the results fall where they may lay. I’m so invested in the relationship between Lenz and Oberlin because it really gets at these conflicting senses of God inside me, and how they’re tied to into whatever I’m trying to extract from premodern senses of the world and integrate into the contemporary patterns of thought I couldn’t even abandon if I wanted to.
Very tired today, Genevieve got back late from an interview and then I had to get up and work out. I also sort of strained my leg, but I am getting much stronger. Performance tonight. I kind of just already want to go back to bed, which often happens to me after I work out really hard. I guess thats a good sign (other than the leg strain). I just don’t really feel like getting wrapped up into a bunch of socializing tonight but its generally unavoidable. Silly thing to complain about- sounds like I’m mad I have too many friends, but its felt pointless and annoying to hang out with people on weekends when they just get drunk and either have the same stupid conversations or else enervate me the countless novel ways people can find to be annoying. Writing this and then stepping back into Lenz at a local chicken restaurant. They’re looking at me like I’m doing something weird, but maybe its just anti-white prejudice. Perhaps I’ll skip the performance by falling asleep and merely awaken to the better world I think I am owed.
this month is going by very quickly. Productive day. I got the basic coding I need for this performance I have planned a month or two from now. I’m sending midi messages through python dictated by the results of a markov text generator to trigger drums in ableton, though I will likely switch to max msp. Anyway the bones are all there which was easier than I thought. i’m getting better at coding. Then I did some more reading and thinking about Lenz. Need to get really underway tomorrow.
I went to a meeting- invited a guy I know and he surprised me by saying yes. he was ‘joking’ about his drinking problem in an increasingly direct way so I figured I would ask. Then we (him and I and two other sober people) went to Zone of Interest. Good film, disturbing. Really good cinematography. It seemed a decent attempt to make a holocaust film which answers Michael Haneke’s criticisms of schindlers list. It was filmed very matter of factly and focused on the outskirts of the camps where the officer in charge lived, and had a bourgois novel quality where it just went on about his career and familial comings and goings, with the realities of auschwitz only occassionally encroaching on his idyllic life. Really nice infrared camera stuff too, actually. I want to use one for some night shots. Brimming with filmic ideas I hope I can deliver on. Time to sleep
Sunday I had an annoying long wedding shift. I really need to find more freelance work soon even if I keep getting wedding shifts. I had to charge everyone who was at Genevieve’s dinner money and people aren’t happy about it, but the main reason is because a few people drank a lot of really expensive champagne and so I asked several people to pitch in 100$ extra who didnt drink at all. I don’t drink so I didn’t think about it and additionally I stupidly didn’t get a picture of the receipt so I can’t really divide everything up properly. I’m going to just end up having to pay extra and still people will be mad at me, is my assumption. Cost of doing business (having a Jewess Girlfriend who likes nice things). Anyway the wedding was annoying because they were theater kids and they asked me to do a lot for the first half, though I found a solid 2 hours to hide and do absolutely nothing without showing my face for the whole time, which I probably shouldn’t really do. My coworkers made fun of me for disappearing for so long but I wasn’t in trouble so it doesn’t matter.
Monday I was very tired and fell asleep a few times. Not sure why I was so exhausted, but after cleaning all I did was read Birth of Tragedy and Buchner. Birth of Tragedy isn’t great but it’s short. It does give me context for the rest of Nietzche and you can see him developing his thought, which is interesting. I also think in context of then reading Lenz, which I’ve decided I want to adapt instead of Woyzeck, I think it helps me get into the framework of Sturm and Drang, the history of German idealism, Protestantism, etc. Theres a lot of what I wanted to add to Woyzeck in Lenz directly, so I just need to pull it out, rather than trying to make a response, which I may not be equipped to do. Theres now 3 scripts I want to write- My woyzeck version, which I think should be pretty distant, an adaptation of Lenz, and the adaptation of Lenz I was half planning when I heard it described. I made assumptions based on the quick summary of Lenz I heard from some drunk guy- the head of the publishing outfit thats putting out genevieve’s book. I had a lot of quick ideas based on this description that I realize don’t make sense with the actual work, but I want to still produce something based off them- basically a film about being in rehab and hiding in the woods, which I’ve found is a universal experience in a shocking way. I also want to bring myself back to the experience of hiding in the woods as a small boy, which was absolutely central to my childhood. I worked out this morning and I’m sore and tired already. Wish I had more energy but maybe it doesnt matter
Some but not all of my fears came true about Genevieve’s birthday, but it was ultimately not a horribly stressful hellish experience, just a mildly rocky road through some female style drama and drinking infused exuberance. I’ve started telling people openly that I want one of Genevieve’s friends to die and that she’s a bad person and that I think the world would be better if she was never born, and I should probably stop doing that. She is a bad person though, and theres no avoiding that conclusion. Everyone is damaged in their own special unique way and I think I have an abundance of empathy for all the various flaws that one can obtain as they go through the world. For this reason I can meet and be disappointed or repulsed by many many people without developing resentments or hatred, but for that reason if I decide someone is a unique problem I can feel a lot of hatred towards them. I might just need to be nastier to people when they act in a manner I find particularly distasteful, because I can tell I’m getting fed up with an accumulated annoyance with a lot of various folks I am forced or choose to be around. A lot of genevieve’s friends annoy me, and thats part of having a girlfriend, but also a lot of downtown people are (famously) disgusting and hollow. I don’t know that the whole crew deserves all the hate but there are some very noticeable repellant tendencies about. I get bummed out seeing Genevieve have to be around some of that stuff, because I know that she’s found a lot of acceptance which she didn’t always get throughout her life, which can mean she tolerates people who don’t respect her. She’s also very kind and generous in a way which I think people are often lacking, so it gets sucked up and its harmful to her soul, which can only withstand so much abuse.
My dislike came to a head because of some boring drama at the dinner where people were being badly behaved and it annoyed me that they were airing their petty problems at my little angel’s special dinner. I got together a toast in my head in case I needed to interrupt what was happening to draw focus back to her, but there ended up not being a good time to say it- it would have gone something like,
I tend to really look for silver bullet fixes for my life, I’m always waiting for some external thing to bring me salvation, and so when I started dating Genevieve I had hoped she would fix my life, but of course getting to know her I didn’t find someone who was sent to paper over my dumb problems. Instead I found someone who has really inspired me to see what my life could be, and who helps me see the world in the way that I hope I can, and someone who has taught me so much about what I want and what I could hope for. I realize now looking back that we together have helped contextualize our lives, and make us make sense in them in a way I didn’t even realize I wanted. Heres to Genevieve etc etc.
I wish I was home with her during this dreary cold day but alas I am at work doing some really lame wedding. Today and tomorrow, but then monday I shall be free again. looking forward to it. Regret that I have to work at all. Feeling particularly imprisoned this shift for whatever reason. Hope this isn’t the time period in which I develop oppressing feelings of being caged. Its easy for jobs to feel claustrophobic, especially because other freelance work has dried up during the deep winter months. I think thats also contributing to my deep desire to be cozy in bed and not here at the dusty hotel.
Undeniably good day yesterday- It was Genevieve’s birthday and we went to the Bronx zoo to meet fennec foxes and penguins. It was definitely designed for children, but Genevieve had said offhand earlier this week that all she wanted for her birthday was to play with an adorable creature and we thought that this was a doable thing in the NYC area. This is one thing I really love about Genevieve- she has a sense of wonder and openness which is very rare. You can tell its there because we together end up doing a lot of peculiar and funny things but we don’t fall into the ugly trap of living a life ironically. Thats a difference between her and my ex- I used to say that she had a childlike sense of wonder but I think she just had stupid taste and a hipster sense of irony. I dont know what it says about me that I am comparing the amount of childlikeness in my ex and current girlfriend to my satisfaction, but theres a truth there. After the zoo we ate one of the more insane meals of my life- korean bbq style wagyu restaurant. Really quite indescribable how full of flavor this meat was, and a shocking variety of taste between cuts. I got meat sweats last night, I think, which is something I’ve always wanted to experiencr. Nervous about her actual party tonight, for some reason. Having trouble being engaged socially
I’ve been very bad about the diary. I got worried it was a stupid pursuit, and maybe it is, but I’m back to just feeling in the flow of whatever it is I’m doing, which includes writing the public diary. I also have been a bit depressive the last few days. Those times might be more interesting to mine my mind, but I become very unmotivated to do so, and my intelligence is strongly contingent on my mood, so I find writing uncompelling when I feel down. I had a big weekend which exhausted me, and I was taking it out a bit on my girlfriend and her friend who was staying with us. Wasn’t being totally fair, so I should apologize, but for one thing this girl staying with us fell and split her head open. Getting blood all over my apartment was rude! Nonetheless the show I played went well, people were very complimentary and I had fun. Genevieve’s reading also went well, though she said that it was very hard on her. She felt like she was being very vulnerable in front of a lot of people, and out of her comfort zone. I think I can shmpathize. I’d like to try to do a reading but can imagine I also might find it emotionally challenging. I tried to ask some writers at the reading if they could tell me how to ask why my short story was rejected, but I didnt ask- mainly out of fear, which is silly. I no longer feel touchy about the quality of the story, I just want to improve. I think I should ask, it can’t hurt. Today I planned a little performance for the future, and I think I’ve got a gallery to host it for their closing party for a show. Its a revisiting of an old A/V thing I did with markov chains and max/msp. Nerd stuff but it works well even if you dont know whats going on. I also made a big chart for the steps needed to make this film. It’s very intimidating but if I don’t start immediately it simply won’t happen. Need to start writing, but first I need to have a workable plan for writing. I think I might not even really do Woyzeck, but instead do a version of Lenz. Reading it as soon as my copy gets here, but it seems like Buchner’s proto-woyzeck, except the conclusion is more about man’s return to nature, sturm and drag stuff. The reason I’m thinking about doing Lenz is bc a big part of the plot is this insane guy escaping from a sanitarium every night to go commune with nature, and it reminds me of my second (or third, technically) rehab where people would sneak out at night and run through the woods to the convenience store, and they were clearly doing it for no other reason than a sense of control and adventure. I think my escapades through the woods felt like how Mr Lenz is supposed to have felt in the sanitarium.
Pretty big 2 days. Finally stopped being sick, though I still have a noxious cough. I’ve started working at the hotel again. Two days ago I went to my Gf’s friend from germany’s performance. It was good and also funny but it was also exceptionally german. One of them sent a pump organ through guitar pedals while they sang reworked german folk songs to have radical lyrics. Had a conversation about anti semitism with them. Gf’s other friend is also in town staying with us and that night when we were all about to go to sleep she tripped over our lamp and fell onto a dumbbell and split her head open. We had blood all over our caucasian rug (we kind of wanted to get rid of it anyway) and she had to go to the ER for stitches. Very dramatic but I she’s ultimately just fine. Yesterday I had to go to work for a bit and then played the show. It went really well. The set up was great and the lighting looked amazing and it felt like I was playing the right music for the occasion, which isn’t always what it feels like. The dj stopped playing early too at the end so I just played stuff over the PA off of youtube and plex and people went insane. Fun night. Really tired today. Today is Genevieve’s reading so we have to go set up for that. Big weekend, everyone is getting sick, glad I got over it early. Ready for tomorrow to be a restful day finally. Should probably write more but I feel exhausted still.
I’ve just been crushingly ill and so didn’t feel like writing. My mind has shrunk to its environment. Today I left the house and I’m at work. I thought yesterday I was finally better, but today I’m producing a lot of mucus and my throat has started to hurt again. I really wish this would end. I feel depressed, not only because sickness just creates a bad mood, but because I feel like I’ve already fallen short of what I should be doing for this show on Saturday. I already want to put all this behind me, because it feels like a failure. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Heres hoping. I don’t want to be at work anymore. I worry I have covid, given how long I’ve been sick for. I’m probably infecting countless people. In my mind when I’m no longer sick I’ll feel so good I’ll be able to run a marathon, but more likely I will just start to feel meagerly better over the next week until I’ve forgotten about this whole feeling. Wish I could go to sleep right now. Maybe I’ll quit and never look back.
Turning a corner on this flu/covid/rsv/who knows respiratory infection, but still quite sick. I’ve now stopped being able to sleep more than a couple hours for whatever reason, but I feel less like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’m also starting to eat food. I still have a very unpleasant set of sensations in my throat, sinuses, and nose. It reminds me of being dope sick even more than a regular cold does. I just remember one of the distinctive feelings of opiate withdrawal was this constant awareness of my respiratory tract discomfort. It would become especially acute when I would take a bunch of other drugs to try to counteract the negative feelings. I think marijuana in particular made it particularly bad, and opiate withdrawal was one of the few times I would get high in this way. I need to prepare for this show I’m playing still. I cleaned my house yesterday and set up all my equipment in a way which would be conducive to working towards this goal, but I’m very tired still and I wish I could continue just watching star trek for hours and hours and hours. I will do it for an additional 2 hours and then work the rest of the day.
My nihilism about the show has transformed to an idea that I will basically play as slow as possible. I’m not being payed by the note, and it goes against my instincts which create overly busy, frantic compositions. I’m going to transform the feeling of being so sick you feel a kind of mesmerism into sound, because thats where my brain is still.
Fever seems to be gone, but my muscle aches are way back. I havent been able to get out of bed much today, but I did more work on the set for saturday. To be honest I just don’t care that much about it. Maybe thats irrational. I want to do a good job as further failure will make me feel bad, but everything seems pointless, including excellence. I will try to record it, so theres some record, but it just feels like I’m on a track inside a bubble. Mixed metaphor. Feel very tired. Need to get my flu shot once I’m feeling well, I’ve been so sick this cold and flu season. Maybe I have long covid and I’m losing IQ every day. Hard to say for sure.
First post of the new year. NYE I tried to go to a party after work and I got there at 2:30 and it was being shut down, and then it took almost two hours to get home. Foolish way to end the year. Unfortunate. Yesterday I was dead tired. Did nothing along with all the other hungover ppl. I did make black eyed peas and steak, which should give me good luck for the year. Tried to prepare for the show I have coming up but didnt get as much done as I’d like. I’m going to try again tomorrow. Feel tired still. Would be good if I had a full and productive couple days the rest of the week. I will get back to writing well this week as well. Not much going on in my brain
This is more a post about new years eve than a post about yesterday, which was a day basically where nothing happened except I flew back to NY. Good to be back, but I felt awful after the flight, as I do after flying without drinking a lot of water before during and after. Oh well.
Today I wanted to get back to a routine immediately, so I woke up at 8 and worked out and then went to a meeting. I’m working tonights- I chose to work to take pressure off of NYE, which I’ve never enjoyed as a holiday. When I was drinking, I would always black out way too early and humiliate myself. When I was a drug guy I would just have a really weird night usually, especially when I stopped being a socially acceptable drug guy. I remember a few new years eve’s alone relapsing on opiates, which were probably my best ones overall. Just nodding out hardcore to the ball dropping. They say how you spend the new years sets the tone for your year. Last year I had covid, and stayed in and did the I Ching and prayed a lot and set my resolutions. I can’t find which notebook I set them in, but I’ll try tomorrow. I wanted to see because at it turns out- most of them came true. I started making more money, I played the number of shows I aimed for. Notably, two of my resolutions- get in a group art show, and be published somewhere, (sort of) came true through seemingly random occurrences only in the last month. It gave the sensation that my new years resolutions had magic power, so I’m going to take them seriously this year again. First, I’ll consult the I Ching again, this time using the I Ching applet I made (jarthur.online/iching). I asked it “What will the year 2024 look like for me?” and the result was
Ta Ch'u
大 畜
The Taming Power of the Great
䷙
THE TAMING POWER OF THE GREAT. Perseverance furthers. Not eating at home brings good fortune. It furthers one to cross the great water.
Image: Heaven within the mountain: The image of THE TAMING POWER OF THE GREAT. Thus the superior man acquaints himself with many sayings of antiquity And many deeds of the past, In order to strengthen his character thereby.
changing to
Mêng
蒙
Youthful Folly
䷃
YOUTHFUL FOLLY has success. It is not I who seek the young fool; The young fool seeks me. At the first oracle I inform him. If he asks two or three times, it is importunity. If he importunes, I give him no information. Perseverance furthers.
Image: A spring wells up at the foot of the mountain: The image Of YOUTH. Thus the superior man fosters his character By thoroughness in all that he does
my applet interpreted this in light of my question thusly:
The I Ching suggests that your year of 2024 will be a time of growth and learning. You will be presented with opportunities to develop yourself and your skills, and it is important that you take advantage of them. The hexagrams indicate that you should not be afraid to reach out and explore new experiences. By doing so, you will be able to strengthen your character and find success in the upcoming year. It is important to remember to take your time and prepare yourself for any new challenges that may come your way. With dedication and perseverance, you will find yourself in a much better position in 2024.
This is very similar to last year’s, which was about how I need to milk the cow, and also that the cow will yield milk. The second hexagram is different, both more concerning and more auspicious. Maybe I am seeking to return to youthful folly, which is something of a superior state of consciousness. I worry sometimes that things have closed off for me emotionally and literally which I wish I had taken the occasion to exploit.
I may revisit tomorrow, but my goals for 2024 are-
Have enough income from freelance work in film and video production that I don’t have to work at the Wythe if I don’t want to.
Publish in two literary magazines and participate in a reading.
Build enough muscle to weigh 165 pounds or more.
Get three tattoos.
Release my Woyzeck film and be at least substantially underway on another project that I am at a leadership position on (directing/producing/writing etc)
In general I want to continue forming myself into a filmmaker. I would really like to be able to stand up straight and tell people authentically that I am a filmmaker. I want to have more direction in what I’m doing. I think a part of that is turning away from rewards in the present and begin creating what I wish to see. This generally has been something I’ve known and worked towards for a while, but it continues to sting me. I’m caught up in comparing myself to others and working in the short term. It feels like when I was using more than when I’m sober sometimes, and so I know its a malformed thought process. We all know what its like to be jealous on instagram, this is essentially what I’m talking about. I think I could accomplish things I’m proud of, but the time scale is long. I’m playing a show opening for James Ferraro, a musician I respect. This should make me feel prouder and more excited than it is, and I think its because I’ve realized I really want this film thing, and any other action that doesn’t move me towards that feels superfluous. Maybe I’m just adjusted to being a part of a creative community, and these opportunities don’t feel as precious as before.
I’m giving these up to God, as he sees fit. I would also like to deepen my spiritual connection, and see God’s immanent face again, which I haven’t been perceiving as readily every day. I would like to pray every day, and focus on my prayer at least as much as my meditation practice, which I will continue. I was going to say I should start cooking again, but my I Ching said eating outside the home brings fortune, so I’m not worried about that one. Maybe I should eat at more restaurants, and order in less. Thats a wise change either way. As I said I’ll revisit these tomorrow and see if theres anything else smart I should say about the new year.
I also should have probably reflected more on the past year, but I have to get back to doing my job. I will try to do that tomorrow- but its so hard to articulate everything about a year come and gone.
Feel really foolish. I’m getting really frustrated with people at my girlfriend’s brother’s birthday. I’m pretty good at keeping myself at an emotional homeostasis, and if not, then not acting on emotional impulses, so the fact that I can tell I’ve been coming across to people in the last twenty minutes or so is notable. I think for one thing I’m just exhausted, and I’ve been with the gf’s family for an entire week, and they’ve been becoming more and more grating as time goes on. I love them, wonderful people and so on, blah blah blah, but I’m now close enough to them they’re driving me up a wall. They have a really different communication style than my family. I think that I’m the most verbal of my WASP family and gf is the most socially aware of her Jewish/Greek/ADHD family and we meet in the middle, but I am becoming sensitized to the shouting and conflicts and its all getting mixed up with weird self esteem issues that are popping up for me again. I just feel raw and like I’m being poked with lots of comments. I’m very interested in interrogating the reasons I do certain things, but it feels like rubbing my skin with sandpaper to explain some of the stuff I do to certain people, which is a strange pair of things to consider.
Gf was just telling her family about the diary and I got annoyed, because I just didn’t want to explain why I do it. I don’t know why I do it exactly, but it seems so obvious to me why someone would- its so simple to me that I have no idea how to put it into words (which is ironic, I guess). I’m constantly working to not feel that the actions I take are reasonable responses to emotional impulses, and that they make sense to do in the world, but more than that I strategize often (mostly just under the surface of conscious awareness) on how to do things that make me less prone to consider how meaningless everything is. This is the way to lead a meaningful life, to just hang on to the meaningful things and not pay attention to the cracks between them- the chaos and oozing confusion that suffuses through the stuff that makes up our universe. Maybe thats why I’m doing the diary- to whisper a scream to the public, even if only on a technicality, might erect enough of a foundation on which to hang my life, and have it be a coherent and meaningful object. This is a basic human endeavor- to find a meaningful existence by telling the world- here I was, and therefore here I am.
Oh! I forgot to even talk about the day earlier, which was strange and presaged the weird mood I’m in now. We went on a tour of a Nike missile base- the defensive nuclear missile launchers we set up to protect the coasts and swaths of the south and inland west from potential USSR bombing runs. Cold war mutual assured destruction stuff. The missile site itself was interesting and all but what was really weird was this tour guide David- pictured here
He got mad at me for filming this because this, he claims, is recently declassified footage from the destruction of 6 Nike missiles over the Mediterranean. I don’t know anyhting about the footage, but what is weird is he started talking about project madman, which he said has only been public for three weeks, which is not really true. Everyone knows this thing where Nixon wanted to pretend to plan to drop a nuke on the north vietnamese as a way to saber rattle at the USSR and demonstrate that he was unpredictable and a serious hawk. He then went on these weird tirades hinting about some spooky stuff, quoting Space Force as saying something pretty close to,
Harsh men and women, willing to do violence. We watch over you wherever you are. We don’t miss.
or something as a kind of internal slogan. He also started motioning to these weird pamphlets which included project mongoose, mk ultra stuff, some greatest hits of CIA spook stuff and also some ancient aliens things? Notably no mention of blue beam but also more importantly no mention of project mockingbird. Huh. He seemed to be making himself a Dr Strangelove character on purpose, but I can’t tell how cynical he was being. He worked there when he was 18 and it may have just fried his impressional brain. Super weird vibes.
Anyway heres a picture of a heron on a radar array
Went to meeting in the morning- first meeting in a while. some SF tech guys but mainly older people and some street guys. Whatever, but I did feel better after going in the kind of ineffable way that was promised to me but is seldom found. I wandered around golden gate park for a bit but then we went to Oakland to meet up with our friends from college who live there. We had a good time. Hugh seems like hes doing well in his new lawyer lifestyle. I saw my friend Theo who I havent seen in a very long time- since I got married while in a wheelchair from an abscess actually. Nice to see him and show that I’m doing better. Weird to see ones past again. Genevieve invited this girl she used to be friends with who she distanced herself from because shes an intense rummy, and she seems like shes still a scary intense rummy. Lefty organizer type. They all seem to be moving to Oakland sooner or later. Going back to SF now to go do activities for my last day of winter break
Still at Genevieve’s brothers house. Today I went to a meeting for the first time in a while, and had the experience of feeling saner after than I did before. I am a little tired of being out of my home and at the whim of other people. I feel like I shouldn’t put people on blast in the diary, but I will say that Genevieve’s families conflict style is very different than my taciturn and somewhat severe WASP family’s. They like to shout at each other and its sometimes out of love and sometimes out of anger. I’m also now aware of the counters of sensitivities that go back to things un-nurtured in youth by neglect or impressions created by mistakes or insecurity for all the family members. Everyone is good- very good family, but you can’t go through life without having many scars which you can’t see but others can. I cleaned gen’s brothers house today because I think he, or at least his fiance, is annoyed at us being here. I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to be bothering him for too long. Their apartment is incredibly nice, and they’re already total cat parents with predictable neuroses. Today I was coming back from the meeting and going back up the stairs while the fiance was yelling at the cat who was sitting comfortably at the bannister- “get down! you will fall and hurt yourself!” and I had a strong sensation to turn and run away forever from everything I’ve ever known. I’m going to oakland today to see from friends from college who have moved here for different jobs.
My head and back hurt, but there’s only one more full day here in the bay area after today, so I will do my best to enjoy it.
Very full couple of days but nothing major. I’ve gotten behind on the diary so I wanted to say something to not feel like I was continuing to only get more behind. Genevieve’s family keeps everyone really busy, in particular her brother who we’re staying with likes to plan a lot of activities and they like to go eat big dinners and stuff. Today we went and saw Genevieve’s mom’s family friends in Mirin county- hippies who used to be in that cult from Wild Wild Country who talked a lot about how ChatGPT is going to help go beyond humans and undo their crimes against nature. Very very San Franscican. Havent seen any homeless people or fentanyl or shoplifting so I feel like I’ve been led astray. We wrote a play for christmas for some reason so I”ll include it here in lieu of writing more
I missed a day. I’m at the airport currently waiting to take off for San Francisco to spend time with Genevieve’s family. Genevieve told me in the car that I should write good things about her or else people will think I hate her, but I do hate her. Just kidding. She says I should say that she is beautiful, which is true. I am kind of dreading spending time with her family. Her family is a handful, and I’m decidedly not at all a handful. I like them and they like me however, so I have little room to complain.
Airports give the sensation that nothing is working at all. In line for security you see a million tiny conflicts that happen for no reason. You also see people in front of you not understand the basics of what is happening- why did you wait until the last minute to take your electronics out of your bag! Idiot! How is Clear allowed to exist- it’s a private company (I think) that can somehow subvert the efforts of the government to stop terrorism? Why shouldn’t we just have private companies decide whose safe or not? Why doesn’t the government just take over all the airlines since theyre colluding to jack up the price of putting luggage into a bin while every party involved (extraneous private companies, airlines, and mainly the government) is in on a scheme to radically lower the cost of jet fuel, whose externalities are baking our future in carbon dioxide. This all feels very american, especially when, despite the great centrifuge of public private partnerships, of the chimps and goblins and models alike that are all mingled in together waiting for flights around you, everyone can reasonably expect that they will be shuffled into a giant metal tube that flies through the sky and doesn’t explode.
I’ve resolved to write better, which is why I wrote an extended impression of an airport. I am going to extend the metaphor to my own life recently, which constantly gives me the impression that things aren’t working, but when scrutinized at any level of detail reveals that everything is actually fine. Maybe that’s the opposite of the airport, which works incredibly well in the abstract but when reduced to any level of specificity seems like a series of mechanisms designed only for malfunction.
I’ve accepted that I won’t be included in the mag I submitted to. Strictly speaking I don’t know if this is true, but I feel like I’m a bad writer. I just finished White Noise finally. For one thing, I feel very late to the party, as people in high school recommended it to me and it seems like everyone has read it. This hightens my feelings of being behind in terms of literary development. Additionally his prose feels so effortless and efficient in its suggestion of life pulsating behind every object and relationship between objects and subjects etc. I wish I was a better writer. I went to a screening two days ago because Richard Hell headlined it and he was my favorite punk guy through my youth. His poems were okay. Very formalist and generally reliant on a conceptual joke- meta, ironic, quip-like. Some of the other readings were infuriating at the time, but it felt hard to remember what had angered me as I thought of them later. I don’t want to get into specifics. I also think that the fact that I hadn’t really eaten all day and had been working a seminar for melanoma doctors for 12 hours, and decided to try to pay attention to the lectures, contributed to me feeling drained. I acted awkward and strange to people when I was trying to connect, which always feels really bad. Peter Vack read a piece that was just a bunch of dimes square memes. Don’t know how else to describe it. One was something about Brad Phillips group show. I’m in a brad phillips group show now, technically, because of the ornament, and he just followed the substack. I feel implicated in a lot of things and don’t think I’m showing up to others. I really really need to eat.
I’m in like NOHO at this coffee shop mucking around for another hour and a half. Theres a guy who walked in in front of me, maybe late 60s, he has a pepsi bottle full of a brown and dimly clear liquid, I presume cheap whiskey. He’s talking loudly to the barista about who knows what. He started by talking about the faux neon sign that says “Chillax.” He asked if it was a common saying now. I felt like he needed to know it used to be in vogue and then people rightly decided it was too corny to say. Actually he just left after saying “Oh, I’ve been making you perform for me, get back to what you were doing.” Pretty self aware for a weird drunk. I’m waiting for this KGB thing that I feel compelled to go to. I don’t know exactly what is, I presume either a reading or a dramatic performance. It involves richard hell, and I listened to blank generation maybe every day of high school. Also I’m thinking a little bit strategically about the fact that there will be some film people I want to make friends with there. I can hear the drunk loudly talking to people on the street. He’s saying something about someone’s generation, but not sure what.
Two days of just being distracted and feeling ancy and getting only a little bit done. Yesterday I started coding again and working out again. I guess I went grocery shopping and read and tried to find work but I don’t really know how all of that took the whole day. Oh and I watched May-December. Garbage movie- I don’t know why everyone said it was good. Today I went to therapy and then finished up christmas shopping, which took a good long time. I’m now in Bushwick coffee shop listening to the most annoying conversations I could possibly imagine. Theyre blasting horrible music and the barista wont stop telling people about his band and they’ve discussed every movie thats in theaters currently. I don’t know I’m just very distracted. Bushwick sucks.
Worried I’m something like depressed. I have a paranoia that theyve given me the wrong dosage of my wellbutrin, but its more likely theyve just switched to the generic version and I’m feeling slightly down. Yesterday I’m not sure what I did other than go to my friends house and then watch Woyzeck by herzog. Today i did almost nothing but I did practice piano and clean my house. Watching Herzog I’m intimidated by my decision to adapt it but I think I should just push forward. I want to update its critique for today but I’m less sure of how to do that the more I think of it. I hate to say it but I think I need to borrow from Delueze and Guittiari and do a shizoanalytic reading of Woyzeck’s madness, or maybe “Madness” in this case. God have mercy on my soul.
What happened the last two days? I think yesterday I continued to feel strange and stir crazy. I got gifted a ton of money from my parents. I don’t talk about my financial situation because it makes me seem even more pathetic and pitiable than I am at first glance. I grew up fairly wealthy. I’ve started accruing assets as people are dying and I basically refuse to use them. I’m not gonna totally get into it here but I got the bulk of it when my grandparents started dying and distributing funds. The money ultimately comes from two places two generations back- my Great Great Grandfather from Texas invented the “Odorizer,” which is a machine that puts an odorant into natural gas. Whenever you smell gas from your stove that is the chemical compound he decided on. Great invention honestly- he came to the idea when he was unearthing the charred remains of schoolchildren after a gas explosion. The other side, my mom’s side, became Boston Brahmin after my great grandfather, a severe Presbyterian ship captain, created a successful sailmaking venture. Anyway it feels ludicrous today to be working this job, but I don’t really touch any of the money if I can help it. I did when I first got it, but during that period it meant I just spent 10,000 dollars on meth and heroin and fentanyl right before I got sober. That was an impetus for me really making a change because I’ve seen trust fund kids like me never get clean and sober and then die with tragic but ultimately immoral lives. A really bad combination of things to be your ultimate mark on this earth. Plus having as many drugs as I could possibly do simply didn’t solve whatever ghastly tear is deep within my soul so it put to rest the idea that I could figure out a way out of the fear of death or the discomfort of dasein or whatever compels me to make the choices I do. I now try to only touch the money when I need to, which isn’t that often. I try to be aware of how much easier this makes my life than other people’s at all times. Not fearing economic collapse (at least imminently) takes away an unbelievable burden that I know most other people face. I’m very ashamed of it and embarrassed, but I think that’s all the more reason to write about it here.
I don’t have a big project I’m working on fruitfully, other than preparing for a music performance in January and also vaguely preparing to try to adapt Woyzeck. Both of these things don't feel quite as totalizing as I need. Maybe that isn’t even the problem, because I do actually have those two things to focus on. I don’t feel fundamentally secure and I’m not sure why. Today has just been about how much I don’t want to be at work- I’m working an annoying wedding with an annoying DJ guy. I’m tired and my glutes are really sore from working out yesterday. I’m typing this on the work computer in our screening room, which is the first time I’ve done that. Feels funny, in part because it has autocorrect activated.
I finished my treasury commitment at my homegroup, which I’ve decide I want to go to less. I think it’s good- I’m becoming pickier and noticing when people annoy me more, which was a thing historically I wouldn’t notice until it was too late. Only half an hour more of this wedding and then I can go home. It’s a hatian-jewish couple. At first I thought it was a Haitian man and a jewish girl and then I found out it was a jewish man and a Haitian girl and my respect for the whole thing grew. Is that my racist or my liberal biases showing?
Tweaked out last two days, unsure why, unsure of how to find out. Submitted fiction before work yesterday. Something of a curse to be asked to submit because it means nothing if I am accepted, but will be a powerful blow if rejected. Therapy I just talked about how weird I feel, how I feel like I’m trapped in a cage I cant see and feel foolish for being uncomfortable. I was thinking about the bull that escaped the train and was wandering about the train tracks. He must have felt panic and confusion, not even knowing he was evading certain death. Did it feel good to finally be free? How irrational too that he made it to an animal sanctuary despite his misbehavior. He certainly can have no awareness of his daring escape. The cattle we use for milk and food are artificial- weve bred them, and bred so many of them they take up half the biosphere bu mass, into an attachment to our society. Man has also made himself artificial. I feel silly for wanting to not be artificial, or even to wonder what it would be like if I wasnt. Theres no slaughterhouse I’m destined for, right?
Yesterday I worked a holiday party that was supposed to be a murder mystery party, but the actors didnt show up. I spent the whole time doing graphic design for two projects, and it felt good to be generating three incomes simultaneously.
Today I’m not sure what I did, lots of false starts and vague puttering. I went to blade study where they hung up one of my ornaments on the tree for a show. Its for sale, so technically my first gallery show. Didnt feel social so I’m on the train ride back. I hope I can feel comfortable when back home, but anxious I’ll feel anxious. Not sure what I need- maybe to be immersed in a project again. My Woyzeck idea feels daunting and confusing- pretentious and feeble. Need to pray more again. I want the guidance of something greater than me. I rest my weight on Him
Got depressed and didnt want to write in the diary. Feel stupid and pointless. I want to be conscripted in a military and have my live’s purpose be remote but clear. Now its imminent and constant but like the reflection of glass on a mirror. Maybe that intercept guy threw me off, because I brought him up yesterday at my friends house during dinner. I’m trying to figure out what about it threw me- maybe because he was aestheticizing himself so hard, maybe because he lept mysteriously from my past, probably because he knew details about me and I didnt remember him. I felt kind of bad but I dont really remember anyone. He said I was angry and it was cool basically. I dont really think I was ever angry just really afraid.
Today I tried to do work at home but many things conspired to make it difficult. I had to leave for most of the day. I dont know. I feel depressed and I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe because Im resting on my own spiritual weight again
Feel exhausted. Today I wrote a bunch and also did some VFX work. Also begged some people to give me paid gigs for the future. Felt really out of it. Last night I went to a reading and it was fine. I was feeling really sick and I honestly shouldn’t have gone, but I didn’t really realize it until I was already there. While outside I got called over by this guy who I guess knew me in college. I had no memory of him. He was talking to crumps funnily enough so I talked to the both of them and he was talking about money and editors. Its funny because I was already thinking about the pretentions of the reading— which was in ‘cocktail attire’ which felt outdated, and here this guy came out of central casting to be a money guy- talking about selling his work as a tv show. I dont know. He remembered me and he said something about me being cool bc I’m edgy and angry, which is funny. I know a lot of people think that about me because I would walk around with huge headphones on with a sour look on my face. I probably was angry, and I still can be, but I think of myself as meek and timid more than angry. This guy also told me about this piece this girl I dated wrote about me and I figured out who it was and found it and read it. Its about how I was a drug addict and stuff but also it was very much an aestheticized side of me that came out well, which is probably unfair, because I was an idiot drug addict freak at the time. I probably have a lot more thoughts about it but my brain is like swollen up with water. I’ve been finishing molly and working on stuff and im sick and I just wish I could turn off for like 8 hours. I really wish I could go into the hyperbaric time chamber for one singular day, but time moves forward and forward and if it isnt used its wasted. Tonight at least I can just watch foxcatcher, which is my plan. I ate cheese fries. I probably could have a lot to say about the personal essay about me but I may never get to them, because tomorrow something else weird will happen.
Spent all day yesterday at work, though mainly writing, and then today at home writing. In a pretty bad mood. Not only is writing difficult, tedius, pointless, stupid, but I’m also bad at it. First draft finished at least. Maybe I can make it not terrible in a few days. Just want to be done. Going to this reading now, may not be able to get in. Think I may still just be sick, but I at least have a bad cough- which isnt a good thing to have at an event like this. I feel dizzy and malnourished. I fell asleep after getting really frustrated for 2 hours. If I’m falling asleep during stress thats a bad sign for my mood, but it will likely be better tomorrow. I would most like to just go to sleep at this exact moment by far. Also worried I wont know anyone there when I arrive and I’ll have to just sit around feeling bizarre. Also I’m worried about sitting through many readings, which can be pretty rough to get through. We should all probably stop writing and give up on this thing. Is anyone reading anymore? Were all gonna wear ‘cocktail attire’ and listen to short stories? Is this what my life is supposed to be- is this a real legitimate experience or are we parodying something we imagine the past to be like. I think I might just throw my full heart into scratch off tickets instead until I’m put out on the street. My debit cars was fraudulantly charged 600$ today. I think I’ll be reimbursed but its not helping
Everyone over on literary twitter is (predictably) mad about Blake Butler’s new book about his marriage with a poet who killed herself. I have a pdf of it (preprint, bc I am well connected) I started but stopped, but I started again and noticed something weird. Theres this joke in there, the poet’s (molly brodak) favorite joke that goes like this
A dog goes to send a telegram. He tells the teller he wants to sent the message, “Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf,” to which the teller suggests he could add a few more arfs for the same price. “But that wouldn’t make any sense!” the dog replies.
Sort of funny, I guess. Whats weird is, several days ago when I went to the terrible screening, the last showing was a performance by a writer involving slides. Before the performance the writer was attempting to help set up a 16mm projector for the screening of some older woman who was annoyingly talking throughout every other screening. She had already screened one film- which was a mock porn with her and a woman engaging in pseudo BDSM. I hated it. I hate camp more than anything else right now. Useless, the ugliest impulse of femininity. Too much of it even now when people try to say something for real. In the film they werent even slapping each other, only pretending to. Whats the point?
The sound was really off, it was clear to me, not that I’m an expert on 16mm projectors, that the sound head was miscalibrated or otherwise broken. I know this is a common problem and I’ve actually encountered it before, but its shocking to me that they hadn’t figured this out before the screening, which was shown in an analog film equipment place and planned for months. She was trying to show her film shot in nature with an overdub of someone reading Sartre (how the fuck are people so useless and cliche?). Anyway while trying and failing to fix the issue someone asked the writer to tell a joke and he told the joke from the Blake Butler book. My friend sent me a precopy so this guy must have had one too. It just strikes me now because my experience reading the book is intense and has made me cry a few times. People on twitter are mad about it because she was a beloved figure I guess, and it mines her faults and failings while describing the relationship and her suicide. It is morally questionable, but its very vital and raw. I might be reading it as a kind of gossippy look into two smart but fucked up people. Molly, as described in the book, also reminds me of genevieve in the way she can be so hard on herself, and it makes me really sad. Genevieve is not at all like Molly in many important ways, especially with regards to family and love, but I was just reading passages describing the way the logic of Molly’s mind predestines everything she does to being perceived as a failure. Genevieve has been dealing with that, as I also have before. I’m worried that the only reason I am not feeling that way right now is because of the medication I’m on. Maybe that means its working, but it doesn’t satisfy me to think I’ve just been cut off from my suffering, and that in some other modal reality I am going through it unmedicated and unable to overcome it- or else I am neglecting some sort of transcendent growth which I would be forced to develop in order to move past it. I want to be proud of myself but I feel just as much as the bad things that happen to me the good things are merely phenomena that pass over me like a virus would- the only part of them that is truly me is my immune system’s reaction to them.
I’m making a big cut to what I’ve written for the journal and it doesnt feel good but it must happen. I really would like this to be a good piece I write, as people are likely to at least pretend to read it.
I feel quite sick. I’m having an annoying time- trying to do graphic design while also attending to this corporate holiday party while I have something that feels like pneumonia. Unpleasant. My head and stomach hurt and I’m having horrible smelling flatulance often. I’m dehydrated and my throat is killing me. At least I’ll get a good amount of money from this week. Need to just power through the next three days and I can rest. I’m getting some existential fear back, which I dont enjoy. Trying to ignore it and just work harder. Very tired at the moment, mainly want to go to sleep and drink a lot of tea. Soon. Reading the book about suicide here. People on literary twitter are really upset about it. Didnt know either person was so well known
Basically I started feeling extra sick and that defined most of the day. I thought I had had a brief cold, but I think I didnt sleep enough to let my immune system really kick in, so symptoms werent bad until the infection had spread a lot. It feels a bit like bronchitis now. I guess thats what I get for going to so many black metal shows. I also saw bar italia last night. I finally got it. I like them now, good band. I also see why theyre so popular in new york- combination of the strokes and post punk revival by way of dean blunt. No question.
The whole day was me doing this graphic design stuff and starting some vfx work. I also went to urgent care to make sure I didn’t have pneumounia. I’m only really dreading being sick at work and then on Saturday when I would like to be doing some things ideally. I guess we’ll see what happens.
Woke up at 5 with a burst of energy and started working. I have lots of days like this and they follow a certain logic. If I start immediately down a path I only lose inertia when forced to stop and suddenly become quite tired. I got a ton done today, which feels good. I’m working for some lame artist who seems pretty well regarded and is paying me well. I also made positive progress on the piece of writing I need to finish. I even made a simple web page while waiting for emails I can put up soon after some final touches. I didnt touch this VFX project I need to get cracking on, but I have tomorrow as well to work on it.
I feel very tired now and wish I could go to bed but I got given free tickets to bar italia show. I’m heading there now. I saw my friend fresh back from the funeral of my long ago roommate. He seemed very down, which isnt surprising. Thought about going with them to the concert they were gonna see but didnt want to bail on my frien who is giving me the ticket he got his gf before they broke up. To have that gift rejected probably would feel sensitive. Really looking forward to sleeping, but its good I’ve been seeing so many shows recently
Was in a really good mood yesterday, in much less of a good mood today. The first waking 12 hours were bad. I found out an old roommate had committed suicide and then immediately had to work a really off kilter wedding which had a kind of hopelessness to it that I see all too often. I think it might be what people talk about when they disparage ‘normies,’ though I think ‘normies’ are rare and strange in their own different ways, and I don’t like collapsing the various types of people into such a general group, let alone one with the normative value of the term ‘normie.’ Either way it didnt put me in the best place, though I felt fairly activated and social. I snagged a well paid graphic design gig during the shift and arranged delivery of a drive which made me feel good. I was invited to a birthday party afterwards, and I was told it was at someone’s house, so I figured it would be a fairly low key and relaxing bout of socializing. I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. It was a huge blowout in this massive one room apartment. Technically a studio, but clearly some sort of converted apartment floor. Huge space, completely full. Very terrifying, especially showing up alone. I saw an acquaintance who writes for the new york times and he gave me a big drunk hug and suddenly I was at the media party. Everyone there was a writer of some variety. Lots of ‘i work in marketing but what im really doing is..’. Whats funny too about these sorts of people is a lot of self awareness and high verbal ability leads to a lot of self abasement and irony. One girl said she liked being there because it made her feel cool and it felt really refreshing because it made me feel cool as well. I had a sense I should talk to as many people as I possibly could, which I didnt do a good job of, but I made one new friend who knew some of the people who went to the rehab I went to in Oregon. I had a good time. I knew I wanted to go be out late for a party and have a good time soom and I finally made it happen. Today I felt much less good. I think I didnt get enough sleep, and I also realized I accidentally didnt go with this guy I want to work with to this nuclear conference for research. I was looking forward to it and then forgot. I just feel fake in a way I dont like thinking about. It feels like I wont have the special life I want and my pursuits will not fulfill my desires for them. I was telling the wants to be cool girl that I try to not think this way actually. I was saying this is why I pray and read about hinduism so much, because it helps me just act with less attachment to desire. I’m worried about the outcomes. I’m concerned about the literary mag that asked me to submit. Theyre asking too many people to submit. I missed my chance. theyre going to reject me, and that means I’m bad. I wasnt ready to submit when they wouldve accetrd me- and if they published me it would mean I’m good. Maybe after I sleep I can be back in a dharmic flow. For now I have to finish this well paid busywork so I can have time to finish the writing I’m now sure will be rejected
i am at a screening in brooklyn. I feel like I shouod go to as many these as I can but it usually means I have have to sit through interminably tedious minutes of 'experimental' film bullshit (square quotes bc I dont know what the expirement could possibly be). I dont think art necesarilly needs to have defined intent, but a lot of stuff feels pointless, which is different. I dont like sitting through something pointless- which is the most self indulgent thing possible.
didnt finish. now the next day
There was a lot of stuff that was basically vacation videos, one really corny fake bdsm video where the woman pretended to spank her lover(?) with a riding crop. Couldnt even be bothered to actually cause pain. A 38 year old woman filmed herself naked painted blue talking about her incorrect conclusions about existence she gained from an acid trip. Just mundane, humiliating, tepid, twee bullshit. Reminded me or portland oregon. They tried to screen more 16mm but blessedly they hadnt calibrated the sound head so they cancelled it. I just dont understand how people care so little about what theyre presenting to the world. Less artists please. Speaking of which, I also dropped off my christmas ornament finally. It turned out okay- the gold leaf looks great but I dont like how the polycrilic I sealed it with looks so smudgy. I wish I had been more intentional and used it as a brushstroke pattern.
Today I'm getting delivered a drive and waiting to hear about some design gig. I saw my friend on the train to work and she told me an old roommate of mine just committed suicide. Really nice guy- very literary, thoughtful, quiet. The sort of person who commits suicide unfortunately. My neighbor and friend I see a lot was better friends with him and went to the funeral. Seemed like something had happened but I wasnt sure what until today. I also may have bed bugs though I'm not sure yet. Feel infected now. Life goes on the same
Dumb day. Felt sick then fell asleep and got little done. I did finish this christmas ornament thing but then I chose a really stupid movie to watch and now I just feel annoyed. Oh well better luck tomorrow hopefully
This morning went to therapy. Not always sure why I still go but I’m a little scared to change anything about my mental health regiment because its working well currently.
I had a meeting over zoom with this director about a music video I helped with for the grading. It looks amazing frankly- it was shot with one of the best cameras in that size in the world currently more or less. I dont know how the DP had access to it. Now I’m at the hotel job for this philanthropic organization that combats human trafficking. Some sort of fundraiser. This woman got up and spoke in a Cameroon accent about how she was displaced by the Anglophone seperatists and had to flee to the francophone part of cameroon where she had trouble assimilating due to her bad french, and then got sucked up into a Kuwaiti slave arrangement before being rescued via the organization which she had sent an email to. The story was crazy, but it always feels like theyre trotting these people out as a spectacle, which I guess they mean to. Immediatey afterwards they solicited over a hundred thousand in donation from people in an auction style. The crowd was uber rich white old men with really hot women in tow. Every event at the hotel is classic like that to the point of self parody. Makes it feel like its not real life. The auction thing hightened my insticts for spotting cynicism, but that makes me feel like a red scare type. Human trafficking is bad and I hope they solve it, even if my interactions with everyone involved with this event are sort of disconcerting.
Worked out and then went to my old print shop to get a test lamination done and print some stencils and uv prints I need for the christmas ornament I’m making for the gallery. I found myself saying I was willing to work again for some reason and was told I was off the payroll. That’s a relief. Not sure why I even offered. Afterwards I went to a meeting I hadn’t been in a while. I probably shouldve gotten dinner with my friends but I feel bizarrely drained. Maybe not bizarrely- I’ve been doing a lot in the past few days. I have to go to therapy and work tomorrow which is ok but I would like a full day of rest. Thursday I might just be working on the ornament so that will sort of count. Tired tired tired. Going to sleep well tonight
Woke up and went to meeting I go to on weekends with friend. Sometimes I hate it because its too trendy and feels like an extension of some kind of downtown arts scene, but it wasnt bad. I was tired all day but got some writing done at a coffeeshop near my house. Oh also I dropped off a hard drive with some finished VFX work to this director person.
I wrote for a good while and then my friend invited me to a metal show with her little brother who was in town. I went and it was a reasonable enough show. Abysmal Lord headlined, a NOLA black metal act. Sound at the club was awful and the vibes were really weird in the crowd. Afterwards we hung out and ate at a nearby bar and it was funny to hang out with some younger metal kids. It made me feel old but not in a bad way. I said that I liked God is War a lot and they were like ‘I dont wanna offend you but it takes a oarticular brain to like noise music” or something. I’m tired and want to sleep a lot but I think I’m going to a show tonigjt and thursday for some reason, and also working this week. Oh well
Didnt realize I forgot to post yesterday. Two more thanksgivings have happened since. The first, on the actual day of thanksgiving, was very nice and felt very pleasant. It was with this kid I met a long time ago Sunil. I met him because Gg left her phone at his house at this really crazy party one of our friends invited us to. We thought the host would be annoyed at us for leaving stuff behind but he instead fed us smoked salmon and we hung out for like an hour and a half and invited us to thanksgiving. That was two years ago, so this is the second thanksgiving we’ve had at his house. Good cast of characters, various people I had known before. Friends of mine. Made me feel part of a community. That’s an important feeling, and doubly so for Thanksgiving day. The next day I felt exhausted but got a lot of writing done. My sponsor couldn’t meet with me so I skipped my homegroup. I’ve been seeing a personal trainer on Fridays so I’m generally extremely exhausted that day. These last two times have been especially hard on my body, so it makes me feel like I’m lumbering through a think sediment and like my mind is disconnected from my muscles. Today, accordingly, I am extremely sore. I feel like my muscles are growing as I sit here- they’re swollen and aching for carbohydrates and protein, and no matter how much water I drink I’m still thirsty. That night (last night) I went to my friend’s house for another thanksgiving and it was pleasant though the people that lived in the house seem to be fighting. I heard a lot of bickering- but even then that makes me feel like I’m part of a family and like we’re having a real thanksgiving. I’m running up to the wire for one project I really want to complete in time, and then this writing thing I need to finish afterwards. I scrapped the first thing I wrote and am starting over, which I think is the right decision, but I need to get moving on it immediately, which I have already done. Today is just a wedding shift at work. I still feel very tired and sore, and this particular wedding is irritating me. Can’t wait until I can go be back in my bed. Soon enough
Yesterday I made pork at my friend’s house in preparation for a big thanksgiving get together aka a friendsgiving. First friendsgiving of the season(I have another tomorrow). I forgot to take my medication so I felt off the whole day. It was me and my friend and this girl he has staying with him from Glasgow (though she’s French). We were supposed to go clubbing tonight though we’re all way too tired. The friendsgiving was nice, though I’ve been noticing that I’ve not been enjoying other people’s company very much. I think I’ve just been in a bad mood. It’s been a sort of emotional few weeks and nothing has felt like its moving forward in a satisfactory way. I did apply to a grant two days ago but I don’t have much hope of getting it.
I’m trying to finish this piece of fiction still and its slow going and feels like a terribly written thing currently, though I’ve always known it will require a lot of editing. I just want to get all the words down. Thats what I did today- got some words down. I’m going at almost 1000 words a day, which isn’t very much at all, but it means maybe I can get it to its maximum within 3-5 days of writing, hopefully more like 2-4. Then ideally I cut it down to as close to 5000 as I can. I feel utterly exhausted. I talked to my therapist and I tried to convey that something feels wrong but I’m not sure what the exact problem is even. Fatigue and not wanting to spend time with others. Could be worse. I suppose the days getting dark at 5 o clock is not helping my mood. I feel depleted and a little numb. I don’t want to be depressed all winter. Hopefully I’ll just be making enough progress and having enough work that I won’t think too much. I can think again in the spring.
Yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed for whatever reason. Happens sometimes. I made my friend come over and we rewatched 12 Monkeys and that new movie where pinochet is a vampire. Pretty good. Today I couldnt get out of bed until 1 but then I went to a coffee shop to write. Writing sucks. It makes my head hurt and theres no point. Fiction I mean. I’m tired now because also I starting cooking a bunch of stuff for early thanksgiving tomorrow.
The last thing I was doing when I was finishing the last post was getting poised to sit down for a screening of some short stuff by a friend of a friend. They arent bad filmmakers if a little sentimental. I had seen one of their films already and it was pretty bad, but they played it again with some regraded colors and a few recuts and it was a million times better. It felt way less opressive and was much much clearer, which made it feel less toxically nihilistic. Interesting to see what a difference minor changes make in a practical example.
The next day I went back to working out and I’m still very sore from that, and I went to see my sponsor and also my homegroup. I’m getting tired of both. I need more inspiring spiritual contact somehow. I cant waste any more time.
Then I hung out with friends and then went to sleep and got up today and am working a really irritating wedding. Boring stuff, back to the routine, not much to report. Mainly I just want to get hardcore back into some work. I’m still writing one fiction piece I want to finish, and I need to make this christmas ornament for this gallery thing by the first, but then I have a play adaptation I want to do that several people seem very sympathetic to. I suppose we’ll see how that develops as we move forward
Still really off my posting schedule. The rest of the trip to dallas was a slog and exhausting. Spend time wandering around the suburbs and was reminded of the feeling of pointlessness in my youth. I can now see it was conjuctive with the architecture of Texas, where, without a car, its a vision of a world after an apocolypse- hot and desolate, hostile and repitive. Nothing but your eventual destination somewhere ahead but out of sight. Met up with some people to hang out and listened to them complain. Got back yesterday (15th) and saw my friend at a meeting and listened to him complain. I think thats the rest of my life- listening to people complain, going to a job for unsuccesful people, and punctuating the routine with weird half baked projects. Going to meet up with someone I havent seen in a while at a screening. Hoping to have a nice time that makes me feel good. My back hurts because I’ve been doing no excercise and have been sitting in incorrect ways in uncomfortable places. Want my tension to resolve and to feel like I’m moving forward again and not walking along the highway of a suburb while I wait until I have to be at my high school again
Ft Worth today after having an easy breakfast with my family and family friends. We then got dropped off at our dallas hotel and met up with our friend who has a really strange opportunity working for a Ft Worth developer who is supposed to give her a studio so she can make a bunch of sculptures, but in the meantime is just a general art consultent. Its a weird situation that noone seems to fully grasp, including those participating in it. We were given tickets for free to the developers suites in the Dickies stadium where we watched a monster truck rally. Very fun. Second monster truck rally of the year (so far) and then hung out with her mom for a while. Now very tired. Need to finish preparing for this lecture I have no business giving
I’ve gotten three days behind and it was a pretty eventful three days. After I had posted on the 8th I got a call at 1am from Genevieve and she was really distressed and couldnt figure out how to get home. I kept trying to get her to call an uber but she was unable. She seemed confused and scared. Eventually some strangers found her on the ground outside in manhattan and called an ambulance. I went to see her and eventually got her home after she could walk well enough. The next day the hospital told us blood tests said it was likely GHB. We found out her friend who had shared a drink had collapsed in Delancey Essex and a different stranger had helped her home (they also went on a date the next day, which I find quite romantic. Fellas if you want a date try saving a woman from danger). Anyway Gg is really shaken up, obviously, and it was and is a very weird fraught thing. I was really upset, and I feel like I reacted with anger at first, which isn’t necessarily fair. Once it became clear she had been drugged I realized I was just sort of freaking out. I have a lot of reactions to drug and alcohol abuse which make me pretty unfair about judging people for their consequences. It might be a little ironic, but because I was such a bad drunk and addict and am now clean, I can be quite harsh about any problems stemming from drinking at all, even if it isn’t the person’s fault. I wish that it had expanded my empathy instead of making me reactive and defensive, but I went through a lot of rehab and homelessness and sickness that other people don’t have to, so I might be watching from a perverse place of moral righteousness.
Anyway I’m just really glad shes safe. Super scary thing that happened. I usually dont believe people when they say they’ve been drugged but the hospital seems to have evidence she was, though I don’t yet know exactly what that means. Gg seems distraught in part because she doesnt know exactly what happened. Going back through her night in her mind is difficult because her memory was altered, and we may never have all the information.
The next day we had to fly to Dallas for my cousins wedding, which felt like a real whiplash. We’re here now. The first day we had kind of a welcoming party at a really nice house. We’re staying near where my extended family grew up- in the ritzy part of Dallas. Everything about the wedding was pretty quintessential for the region as well. The first event was some kind of welcoming party in this incredibly expensive, large, mcmansiony faux spanish villa house of a family friend. TexMex catering, topo chicos, margaritas, etc. I had to remeet a lot of people I knew as a child and everyone is impressed by how much I’ve grown in almost 20 years since they last saw me. Got some comments about how much better I looked than 6 years ago, which I’m sure is true.
I saw all my cousins and their babies and we hung out and had weird conversations. The next day we went to the George Bush presidential library and it made us really depressed. A big listing of American political failures which dissolutioned our generation and a lot of euphemistic use of ‘Freedom’. We went to the church for the service and it was done by a presberian minister likely younger than me who quoted from the Jesus Action Bible (or something similar). The wedding was extravegant and really nice and I had a good time though I found it quite exhausting for a variety of reasons. I had to talk to my family and family friends a lot. Glad it was over. Now onto a day in fort worth. I’m supposedly teaching a lecture on monday
More of the same. Feel tired and dont have much to add. My coworkers like me too much and its irritating me.
I forgot to write an entry for yesterday last night, but essentially I just woke up and worked from home. I finished this VFX stuff for a rap video and that took up most of my day, other than some odds and ends getting prepared for some other things. I’m noticing progress from my excercise routine, I’m almost up 8 pounds from when I started, which startled me. Much bigger appetite than before.
Today I went to the DMV and got my license exchanged. I’ve had a texas license my entire life so this is a bit of a new chapter. I hope my license picture turned out well, because I’m likely stuck with it for a very long time. For an hour I wandered around FiDi and the Oculus and just thought about stuff, and then sat down for a couple hours and made progress on a piece of fiction. Writing is such a slog and I have never gotten any money from doing it, so it feels like a silly use of my time, but I’ve been working a lot of paid things recently so I can’t say its too outside of rational decision making.
Then I met up with Genevieve and we went to this opening for a land artists’s videos. Pretty good stuff honestly. I was feeling very tired but got roped into going to a bar near my house. I ate a bunch of food but then extracted myself because the conversation felt really interminable. I can be pretty misanthropic. Maybe thats not the right word, but I find so much conversation so annoying. Its always a couple people watching the two loudest people have a really inane performative back and forth. This girl was talking about how logical positivism was white supremacism and then someone asked ‘wait, positivity is white supremacist’ and then she just said ‘honestly I’m just talking out of my ass’ and I thought about getting involved but then I didnt.
I was just writing a response to a comment, and I think it got deleted while I was responding and erased everything I had written. If that was you and you deleted your comment I still can respond to you, not that my response is absolutely essential information.
Anyway my bad mood continued through the morning, and I was being a bit of a bastard, so I went to the Lutheran service across the street thinking maybe if I turned towards the spirit it would fix my soul. I dont think it really did. There were only 5 elderly women with diabetes there and the sound system had a very loud hiss. They went over the beatitudes and one Psalm I wish I could remember, because it had a good line I know have forgotten but wanted to write down.
Afterwards I worked on this music thing thats been frustrating me with the guy who has asked me to do it. I made more progress than before and I’m kind of getting somewhere with it, so thats sort of exciting I suppose.
I then tried to get some VFX editing done for this music video I’ve been putting off for way too long. Need to get it done tomorrow so I can stop dealing w it. I got half of it done, and just want to add some animations and then thats it. Then I went to a meeting and got called on so I shared and I think it helped. Afterwards I tried to go to this weird prepared instrument concert, but it was sold out so I came home. I’m being perfunctory about this entry because I’m starving and feel like I’ve fretted so much in this vague, objectless way that my emotional capacity has been exhausted. Maybe thats a healthy turn for me. I predict I will not be in a terrible mood tomorrow, and I only have to work on the various projects I’m trying to complete and feed myself. I ordered pizza like 5 times in the last 20 days. I really need to go back to a grocery list, if even so I can not waste all my money.
I’m in a bad mood today (the 4th) but I was also in a bad mood yesterday for different reasons. Now in part I’m annoyed because its taken me all day to even get started on this entry, so now I have to collapse two days into one. Thats fine I guess. Yesterday two things conjoined to make me in a strange mood. Actually probably a lot of things, but firstly on wednesday my therapist started telling me all this stuff about how addiction researchers dont think of people as ‘alcoholics’ anymore, and how the term is incorrectly essentializing. I know all of this, and it doesnt per se bother me, but I have decided to keep it extremely black and white for my self because I am desperately clinging on to keeping my life together now that I have it finally. I think that ‘alcohol misuse’ is broad enough that obviously people that fall into that category dont always need to go to AA. I just know that I am not like other people when it comes to substance use and I never have been. I dont think I can safely use any amount of any chemical agent that is reinforcing, or I will use as many drugs as possible for as long as possible. I’ve proven it to myself a number of times. I also just said its something people self declare, its a useful identity in that it identifies us together, and suggests we can help solve our collective dillema together. One of the things he brought up in asking me questions about my attitudes regarding 12 step meetings and addiction is the idea that someone who had never experienced that many problems, who doesnt drink to excess, would declare himself an alcoholic. I said it wouldnt bother me- if he benefits from the program thats great.
The next day this attitude was tested because a friend who is quite financially succesful and who I have never seen excessively intoxicated has decided he is going to get sober for life and join the program of alcoholics anonymous. I was and maybe am very bothered. I feel like I only meet people who barely drank in the rooms, who didnt have the same type of problems or patterns of use as I did. I meet a lot of annoying narcissists and people who cant seem to shut up, and I meet people who really need help getting sober and who dont get it and then die. I took this guy to a meeting where i’ve been noticing I feel alienated by the relative lack of adversity in their stories of recovery and he spoke openly about feeling strange because he has few outward showing problems. He says that his brother and father are more clearly addicts, and he believes he is one too but has yet to get as bad as them. Im trying to be empathetic as I always try to be, but I dont even know how to orient my mind towards my past. Its also wrapped up in my upper middle class upbringing. I’m now around people who have never had any sense of struggle in their entire lives constantly, and their only activity in life is to complain and lie to themselves that they are doing something productive. I wish that I could resent these people as someone who has had challenges, but I cant allow myself the self pity because any suffering I underwent was at my own hand. This is one of my most fundamental neuroses, and while I have recently been succesful cutting through the gordian knot with purity of action and a will to power, there has been a set of circumstanses that have seperately been mounting and I’ve been bedevilled in the recent day and a half by this.
I worry that I’m in the ugliest, stupidest mileus to ever exist. I worry that either I am just like the people I know who slither around at the bottom of a culture and the top of a society. I worry I am unlike them, but imprisoned among them by my passivity and fear. I’m frustrated by lots of stuff. I’m also today (4th) working two shifts at once because this guy is sick. Things have slowed down for a bit and I got this chance to write the entry, but it didnt help my mood.
Tomorrow I have to work on a really stupid music project that I dont want to think about. I also have to finish a really stupid vfx project that will take up more time than its worth. Trying to not feel enbittered
No work today. Slept in and looked at nonsense for too many hours before arising, and then went to go drop off the fake gun we used in yesterday’s shoot. The guy was very nice about the scratch somebody had put in it. Not happy at whoever mishandled it but as long as hes not upset I guess all is well in the world. I saw my friend (roommate of gun guy) there and he said he is going to a screening tonight which reminded me I had bought tickets to a month ago. Bon fortuna, for I had forgotten. I’m on the train there now.
The rest of the day I did work at this coffeeshop near my house to try to finish this VFX work. There was a production crew meeting to look at footage and talk about who knows what, and they were talking about working with caveh zahedi and the biz. Classic new york shop talk. I fantasized about going over and showing them that I was doing vfx work and giving them one of my non existant business cards. I feel simultaneously blackpilled and hopeful about the low intelligence of directors at large. Maybe I just havent encountered particularly smart and energetic ones.
Then I went home and bathed and did nothing for a while and then went to this screening. While I was writing this entry this guy started putting up hentai on the train. I got a picture
He was clearly having some kind of episode and everyone on the train was watching him glue cartoon pornography on the train. He approached One slightly aghast white and asian couple and aggressively clapped the guy on the back and started mumbling. Next to him this black guy who was drinking liquor from a tiny plastic cup started talking to him and showed a master class in deescelation. He started “hey do you know them?” and as soon as he started to answer he changed the subject and asked him questions that got increasingly fawning and he started complimenting his clothes, asking him where he got him. As soon as the shizophrenic started to get distracted the guy would redirect with another sweetly stated neutral question and eventually invited the man, now smiling, to sit down. Thats when I got off thr train for my stop
first of the month. have had an annoying day so far. I woke up early to get to the place where we were meeting up to go shoot in staten island. We had an infuriating morning of the DP insisting we rent a car, but nobody being able to because of various problems. It’s just impossible to rent a car without a credit card, and my id is expired, while the other PA’s credit card was maxed out. Eventually the DP just said we could borrow his roommates car. Why that wasnt the option from the beginning I suppose I will never know. The rest of the day has just been me sitting in the car watching the equipment reading or else driving about listening to some really horrible distressing conversations about israel and palestine. This director kept bringing up a video where a baby was cut from a dead pregnant womans womb. I dont know why she kept bringing it up, she must have kept forgetting that I said I avoided watching stuff like that. Shes kind of an idiot but I feel like I need to take this work where I can get it. Depressing that I barely touched any equipment today. The worst parts were hearing her wax on and on about in total liberal moralist land about countries and militants and geopolitical forces. The other crew said something negative about fox news, positive about john stewart, negative about social media, positive about the notion that ‘we’ should all come together and withhold our tax. I dont know. Maybe I’m not any smarter about politics. I try not to say anything, and if I did maybe it would reveal that I’m equally foolish and ignorant
Today was a waste of my time. Underpaid, didnt learn anything. Just sat in a car. This week so far feels like its being designed to demoralize me. I mainly just want to be done with this shoot and eat. Very very hungry. Head pounding
Halloween. I dont really remember what I did in the morning. I think I tried to work on this music project thats making no progress at all and sounds bad. I might need to tell my friend I’m working on it with that this is a bad way to do plunderphonics. Who cares. Oh actually what I did in the morning was go pick up a sword and a box of watches that were delivered to my old address, and then a wizard staff for my costume, and then a fake gun for the shoot the next day. Goofy set of errands. I then did that pointless music stuff and put myself in a bad mood before I had gotten my costume together. I felt like a total fool for a lot of the night, in my stupid costume. I went to a party with people much cooler and/or succesful than me and I was in a bad insecure mood for a lot of it. I didnt do a good job making myself feel like I belonged. I dont wanna really get into it but I allowed myself to feel really alienated for no particularly good reason. I just felt disturbingly like noone around me cared if I lived or died, and that I didnt even approach a level of significance that would cause them to dislike me. I think maybe the reality is just that most people passively like me enough to enjoy an occasional conversation or else do not think about me at all. I’m sure some actively dislike me and some want to be my friend or even my lover but its not for me to know these things.
I also stopped by my friend’s house and felt welcomed and pleasant. I felt stupid then for being so insecure before and wish I had performed socially better. I think I havent been eating enough and its making me distant, spacey, and anxious. Its tomorrow now, and we are having a really annoying morning getting started on this shoot for this rapper. Were waiting on a car to come pick us up, even tho we shouldve been 40 minutes away shooting for an hour already
Today was all about making my costume. Well first I tried to get some things I needed done done like renewing my drivers license (which means that I need to get my social security card, and somehow really quickly) and then went to the print shop I used to work at to print graphics (heat transfer for some cheap graduation robes I bought, and some normal vinyl for my metal hat Im using). Felt funny going back- it seemed a bit in stasis, which was the sensation I got while working there- stuck in stasis. I got the graphics printed and the boss said I could pick up shifts if I need work in the future, but I probably wont do that unless I have to. Pointless place to work for me right now. I then went to home group and met up with people to go to some openings and I had a surprisingly nice social time and it felt good to not isolate. I hung out with people for the after party and I wish I hadnt. Its just frustrating to be around drunk people and I found it extra irritating. On reflection I’ve probably just had a bit of impatience for some behavior I can usually ignore. Something to notice I suppose.
Today has just been an annoying wedding shift. Too hot in the hotel, everyone has been in a bad mood. I’m dealing with some pretty incompetent sound people from the team who came in. Who cares
Work from home day. Surprisingly productive. My shoulder is killing me. I cancelled on my personal trainer guy without telling him why. I should have probably just said my shoulder really hurt. I think personal trainers just like to tell people to work through pain. It does help to move the muscle around but I definitely think putting so much weight on it made it really aggravated, and now my neck and back cant move certain ways without an intense sharp pain in a really irritating spot.
I had a good day in a real way- got a lot of contact from people moving forward on projects and also got some work on vfx and animation squared away. I tried feebly to see if anyone wanted to go to this black kray concert but didnt really push the issue. I’m going to help shoot a music video with one of the openers so it would have been good to go. I also was so exhausted that I didnt really want to make the thing happen or hit up a bunch of people. Even now I can tell my mind is unfocused and I’m not relating much very efficiently. Possibly because I took a full propanolal. I’m on a low dose, but it still makes me feel kind of tired when I take the full thing. I’m going to stick with half pills only, which is what I was supposed to start with. It does seem to help wellbutrin related anxiety. I’m all full of a regiment of banal psychotherapeutic drugs that balance each other out. Bugman.
Horrible day at work. My friend who got me hired on to the job was in a bad mood in large part because we are doing a big stupid corporate event and he doesnt get paid enough because he refuses to ask for the raises he probably could get. He came down to show me something in the screening room and I wanted to move my coffee to somewhere safer but the lid came off and it spilled in large part on the motorized faders of our digital mixer. I feel very distraught and defeated and bad for my friend. Very very embarrassed. He doesnt seem to actually be mad at me, but I really wish it didnt happen. I dont like screwing up.
I’ve been wondering if this specific event would ever transpire- spilling a drink on an expensive piece of equipment. I suppose it was inevitable, and this is far from the worst version that could have occured. At the absolute maximum its 2300 dollars worth of damage, and its plausible this thing will be totally unharmed. Maybe somewhere in the middle- a couple busted faders. Repairable. I just feel pathetic. Have to go back tomorrow in the morning. Would like to get this behind me, wish I knew what the damage was so I could process, but Im just walkijg around the hotel waiting in frightp
Life is still moving quite quickly I’ve noticed. I feel aggravated right now because I’ve been working on my computer all day. I woke up late and lazilly and didnt start until 1pm because I thought I was going to work until Midnight, but I had forgotten that my friend had a birthday party tonight. When I remembered that was the plan I became very incensed, as I wasnt making headway and I suddenly lost a lot of time I had planned to continue working. I’m doing two things - this animation I really want to finish for my class I mostly regret taking, and this rap video VFX work I am being severely underpaid for. I would like to work as hard as I can on both for the learning opportunity and to utilize in a video reel in the future if possible. It feels a bit pointless to do work I know is just in preperation to be better and do more interesting things, but it is absolutely necessary. Right now I’m spending a lot of time bogged down in stuff like file format management, timeline arrangement, troubleshooting, googling what things are called. The most frustrating part of learning anything are when you feel like your just feeling around for tools. Ive gotten a lot more natural with both premier and aftereffects already, but its been a slog. I also mopped my whole kitchen bc I’ve seen flies. I guess next I need to put a dish with soap and vinnager out- or whatever the trick is. I’m headed to the birthday party now. I hope it feels good but I’m concerned it will leave me slightly alienated. I also know that I won’t have much time to go to meetings for a bit bc of these two projects and a 50+ hr workweek, so I should find some additional few I can hit during convenient breaks.
I’ve started taking popronalol also. I took one earlier when I was getting irritated, which might not be the right way to use it, but it lessenned some physical anxiety symptoms, or else just worked well as a placebo. I have a headache, but that might just be from not eating enough today.
Yesterday I worked. Non-notable shift as far as I can remember. Boring etc. Spend a lot of time reading white noise. Very good book. Today I took a long time arising from bed and then went all the way to Tribeca to see Genevieve’s parents and had a nice brunch. Then we found a coffee shop to work in. I’m trying to finish editing this rap video but I had to spend hours and hours trying to correctly replace raw footage with new color graded clips. I mainly blame the director because she had told me I’d have to replace them manually, but there was a perfectly formatted XLR file I found as soon as I got frustrated enough to dive through all the files. Oh well. I really wish I had made more progress but I didnt. I got booted from the coffee shop when it closed and met up with some of G’s friends and had a fine enough time. I really felt like The Boyfriend. Not the worst feeling in the world but a bit alienating. Hanging out with girls is a particular activity. I feel tired. I have over 50 hours of work scheduled for next week which is a bit stressful as I really would like to get a lot of this other work I have planned done. Now I’m heading to my friends house who has a projector so we can screen two Jean Cocteau films. Part of my self mandated education
Saw flies in my kitchen so I removed and sorted everything on the shelves and thoroughly wiped everything down. Need to mop the floor after removing everything. Hopefully the problem will be solved. I just noticed the head of ghostly unfollowed me. Maybe he saw me like a nazis tweet or something, but it made me insecure. Oh well. I think hes still subscribed to the substack- maybe i should send this via email to try t reach him. I dont even really make music anymore anyway. I just have to do this animating so I can finish writing this javascript applet so I can finish writing these scripts so I can stage this production of Wozzeck I want to do. Then something will happen thatll fix it. I went to a friend’s friends birthday last night and felt stupid, but its good to socialize lest one feels isolated. I hope work doesnt make me more depressed. I was feeling much better yesterday and I’d like that to return. Maybe because I worked out. My shoulder really hurts and working out aggravated it. I think I lost my heaphones which is frustrating. I forgot to bring my quiche to work which I could be eating on the train now. I need to eat more or working out will just injure me more. I have noticed a more secure set of muscles which can handle day to day loads even if Im moving furniture and whatnot.
Yesterday was still depressed after that meeting. I went to therapy and just whined about my problems, which actually helped. I went to the coffeeshop near my house after getting some stuff at the farmer’s market to eat later. I tried to finish animation stuff but go nowhere. I eventually just gave up after countless failed experiments and false starts. Today I worked really early and became strangely exhausted. I guess I did wake up around 4 am and couldnt get back to sleep. Either way I tried to keep doing animation stuff to no real success. Very frustrating. I won’t be able to continue trying to work on anything until Sunday really, and have made no notable progress all week. I don’t think this is good reason to get despondent, but this year is running out and it feels like I’m short on time. For what, I’m not sure, but I don’t think the sense of pressure is based on absolutely nothing.
feeling a walking depression. ive mostly felt ok while working, even my stupid hotel job. worked a 6am to 6pm corporate gig for an offsites meeting for a large charitable foundation. The manager got indicted for fraud (in another financial capacity- an actual non-tax-exempt financial capacity) so I guess there have been some allegations of a little money laundering scheme plauging this korean fundamentalist protestant charity foundation. Weird vibe. Nothing interesting came up tho, it was just your regular corporate pablum, bromides, and pseudo forecasting. I think I started to get depressed when this media/finance guy was telling a boring just-so story about how the old guard was out, streaming was replacing media legacy. The youth is on tiktok. our screentime is up. Attention is the new oil. Simulateneously I could not stop looking at twitter and instagram and seeing debates and analysis and death tolls about israel’s gaza revenge. Grim stuff, and I found myself locked in a really terrible loop. I brought white noise which is as good as everyone says but i could only do a couple pages at a time and I could never fully relax bc the owner of the building was around
I just thought about acceptance a lot. Acceptance acceptance acceptance they say. I have no control over anything I guess. Let go and let god. I guess it doesnt matter what I do I cant control it.
Im at the meeting and theres a guy I hate speaking to here and I really dont want to talk to him. Its like pulling teeth out of a sandtrap. I feel trapped in all dimensions, particularly time. things are moving forward in time at a rapid pace but the doors and windows I thought I could take to another life are being ripped up by the speed and splintered into bits.
Well he came up and talked to me and it wasnt as bad as I feared. but now I feel worse for being less personable. I might switch from smoking to zynn
The main thing I did yesterday was go to the Met. I woke up late after having trouble sleeping but my gfs friend crashed on our couch and they wanted to go to the Met so I tagged along. They wanted to meet up with other academic friends who wanted to see the Degas/Manet show for whatever reason. It was fine. I liked all of the etchings. I might just like etchings, but it was interesting to see the artists in media I hadnt seen before, including a particular caricature that Manet had done of an anti-paris-commune guy as a clown. Felt like a pro palestine post from an old guy I might see today, except its a really good charicature. I had to wake up at 6AM today (the 17th) so I dont have a lot to add in my grogginess. This month is going by exceptionally fast. My life is slipping from my fingers
Having lots of days where I cant keep myself awake. I wake up late and then can barely move and then fall asleep in the middle of the day. Similar to how I am when I am depressed, but I have had much less of an emotional component occuring. I dont feel especially bad other than tired, and I only get into a bad mental spiral when I truly dont do anything all day. I just finished making a quiche and I feel fine I guess. I wish I was more tired so I could just go to sleep but I accidentally took a huge nap. I’m going to try to wake up tomorrow and be good.
spent a long day animating and working out. I’m becomin stronger but have entered a whole new phase of resistance, and am accordingly very sore today. I putzed around basically. I went to meet my sponsor and we talked almost exclusively about how the news is making us sad. I keep feeling myself unable to say anything while people keep saying “its nuanced, its nuanced.” I dont even think thats true, I think what people mainly mean is that they are unable to break up actors into elements more discrete than nations. The long 19th century continues unsolved.
I went to the meeting and thought nothing. I think I need to get back into a strong meditation practice because my thoughts have been racing but circulating around absolute drivel. Annoying. Afterwards I went straightaway to meet my friends for this microtonal music performance. Really engaging, if a little stressful, to hear many works centered around non standard tunings. The main impetus for the concert was to play works by this russian guy Wyshnegradsky, who lived through the revolution and had both mystical and revolutionary leanings. Pretty classic progressive man of the 20th century. He has worked in chromatic scales some but then made the bulk of his influential work circa the 1940s for two pianos tuned to quarter tones. Hes very interesting to listen to and very interesting to position in history. They performed one of his pieces which was a setting of the Nietzche poem A Richard Wagner, which Nietzche wrote as an attack on the composer, a turn from his earlier love for the operas, criticizing him in part for “succumbing to Christian ethics” as well as a presage to Nietzche’s descent into clear madness. It worked so well for quarter tone piano because it creates such a uncentered harmony, and in contrast to the sentimental richness of a Wagner opera, it requires a certain effort to enjoy microtonal work. You have to continuously think to yourself, can my ears adapt to this? Can we really break open harmony and have as many intervals as we want? Is this the future? Does logic prevail over whatever our brains have absorbed from culture and instinct? Its also a musical example of the fact that none of the issues befuddling someone in the 1940s look back on Nietzche feel resolved, and somehow feel as though they specifically are returning as geopolitics and the political economies of the world make another turn.
I mainly wanted to go to the performance to hear this guy Mannfish’s work. I found him on twitter and he’s an interesting mathy composer guy. Very digital, so hearing him set his work to piano and voice was interesting. I want to hear more of his compositions in the world because it seems like he knew what to do for keyboard, but was less confident in his use of voice. Anyway you should follow him if you have interest in music.
Afterwards we went to eat indian food and I grilled my friend’s friend about how quantum computers work because hes a mathematician working in quantum networking. Good times. My throat still really hurts and I’m concerned about what that could mean. I assumed yesterday it was allergies but I am now worried I am dying of cancer or will need me throat removed or I have a heretofore undiscovered disease.
Throat still hurts for some reason. Decided I’m not sick anymore. I almost went to a performance and an afterparty but didn’t. Ostensibly because I felt sick but I have a feeling there were deeper murkier motivations, namely to get to sleep really early and I had happened to already see the performance when it opened because I’m a real one. Still wish I had gone out. I just think I have allergies now and my throat hurts sometimes. Wish I had better anti allergy meds. Yesterday the main thing I did was just animate all day. I’m getting good at aftereffects and I already have my first paid VFX job. I need to do a really good job so I can continue to develop a reel and get better and better work and then win many many oscars until I have enough influence to put together a FILM that fixes the world. Thats all there is to it. My personal trainer brought up israel today. I may decide to pretend I don’t know what people are talkinga bout and retreat to comforting ignorance somehow. Working on this stupid project with my friend. Avant garde plunderphonics but the vision is strange. Maybe well pull out something good but I dont know about anything anymore. Its good I have energy to work on 4 billion things at once again.
I feel sick and/or depressed or more likely slightly depressed because I’m sick. I thought I was better today and I had to go to therapy and there I had a really weird conversation with my therapist about Israel/Palestine where I tried to not reveal my opinions at all. Honestly I kind of assume my therapist is a libtard zionist but I’m sure he’s more nuanced than others. Either way I felt really strange after and then went to the farmers market in kind of a daze. My throat started hurting and I suddenly felt light headed so I took all of my food on the train and went back home and I’ve just been lying here feeling weird and restless and trying and failing to watch tv or do work but not being able to focus on anything in particular. I have a few more days without another stint of working and I would like to finish a little animating and a little coding so I can get back to spending my free time writing but I’ve had a serious block on productivity recently. Likely because I’m still sick. I’m going to take a hot bath and then try to get to sleep early if possible. I predict I will be fully back in my mind and body within three days at the absolute maximum,
I havent been posting diary entries. I was going through the beginning of a cold trying to rest through the entire thing and I was just taking a lot of benadryl and feeling really awful. I think not leaving the house poses emotional problems for me. On Friday I cancelled on my usual meeting bc I fell asleep but then I took the train to Bay Ridge bc my friend who I’ve known since preschool was in town. He was here for his friend’s gallery showing of the original art developed for this new book on Steely Dan. mid at best acrylic illustrations on paper, some very ugly, visualizing the world depicted in Steely Dan songs. Not a very good art show, but a special interest event that got some sales from super fans. I was friends through middle school and high school with this guy and this other guy who I now have heard is a little alarmingly paranoid, though supposedly clean from meth. He was in rehab last time I texted him to try and make amends, which I still need to do. Strange fellow who I could say a lot about.
That night I couldnt sleep and have been working since t
Havent been able to finish the entry keep getting pulled away. Its now many days later. Still been fairly sick. Was working then could barely move. Felt much better today got involved in some projects and have started to line up more work. Fell asleep for a bit still and my throat is hurting again but I’m hoping to rest well tonight and be healed soon. Just need to do computer work for the next few days anyway thankfully
Fishbowl fishbowl getting over cold. I’ve slept a lot and watched a billion movies. None memorable
idk I have a resperatory infection and I’m not getting anything done. Not even watching anything good
Yesterday I mainly just cleaned and made a bunch of scans. After several long shifts in a row where I couldnt get much sleep anyway I woke up petty late and was too tired to do much. I just spent several hours scanning old documents I got along with my amiga computers. Theres a lot of good illustrations and pictures that I hope to use for assets. It takes forever- I’m halfway done and just have a stack of amiga magazines and a few manuals to get through. Feel generally like my progress is stalled. I’m sure there is something I’m not doing but not sure what it is. Maybe all my hopes and dreams need to be abandoned. I’ll work on that. In the meantime I do have this music project to complete with my friend. Were synthesizing two musical practices weve been doing recently as jokes. Hes been making really strange mashups of pop songs and I’ve been making really strange remixes of pop songs with stems gotten through AI seperation, so I’m going to seperate the stems from his mashups and remix them as best I can. Maximum audio artifacts and lots of strange rhythmic and harmonic nonsense to try to reign in. Ideally it will take two strains that are unininteresting on their own and turn it into a pretty weird plunderphonics approach. Headed to work right now. Hoping to hold fast to faith but feeling antsy. Meeting tonight with a very eager and sincere individual.
Waited too long to make my entry so it now kind of feels like a chore. Worked another wedding today. Gay wedding. Actually a very gay wedding- hair dresser and a fashion designer who wore a star trek type cape and suit. My friend Ivy was there so I smoked a cig in our courtyard and that felt felonious. Very very tired. I’m going to eat a big box of leftover cake and then sleep in tomorrow morning. It’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow
Not keeping up w diary too well, kept drafting and losing posts over the last few days but it was all just quotidian events or half finished thoughts. Actually thats not quite true. The evening of the 27th this guy invited me to a comedy show- he originally reached out to me via twitter and mentioned the diary. That was interrsting. It wasnt a bad performance but he sort of seemed to suggest it wasnt a particularly good one for them. As long as a comedy troupe doesnt make me embarrassed I find that impressive and rare. He also wasnt in comedian mode when he was talking to me, which I’ve known insecure performers to do and its reprehensible and insane.
Anyway new friend. I’ve mainly been working weddings other than yesterday when the Deluge cancelled all plans. I watched two films- the first was punishment park, this weird fake documentary about if Nixon had gone fash and created some sort of penal colony/experimental LEO training facility in Joshua Tree. The innovation of the film is thT the director got amateur actors with political opinions aligning with the characters, so the improvised dialogue has a sort of immediacy and vitality to it. That factor also ages it strangeley, and its an extremely 70s movie as a result. Its funny looking back at it because I generally associate the late 60s, early 70s Left as the death and/or recuperation of the postwar radical energy, but its precisely that process of recuperation that felt like the coming apocolypse to people. Worth watchint
Then I went to my friends house and watched Mother. I hate darran aronofsky. I had already seen Mother while I was on heroin so I had hazy memories of it. I didnt remember the biblical references to be so obvious. Its annoying bc they dont cohere into any purpose. This is why hes such a frustrating director bc hes really good at actually “directing” (the elements of cinematography, acting, scencraft) are quite well made but hes a terrible stupid filmmaker. Not a good auter. This morning I went to a meeting I had sworn off and it was really good. I feel a generalized sense of well being currently for reasons unknown. Probably just feels good to be busy.
Want to make more progress on film stuff as thats stalled now. Have a new musical project with my friend and need to dive back into aftereffects, but things are progressing besides that.
Aaahhh. I finished my real first draft of this thing I was doing for motion graphics class. Including voiceover. I feel very stupid for trying so hard at it. I want immediately to make another one, and I guess there is another assignment. I feel adrift and weird. I wish I wasn’t so easily emotionally spooked. I went to a meeting that is usually sort of terrible and it was surprisingly good this time. Now I’m going to get a burrito and take the journey towards park slope to see this comedy show a mutual has invited me to. Its fun to meet people from twitter and I’ve seen so little live comedy that I’m interested in the novelty at the very least. Plus Im trying when willing to default on principle to saying yea to everything that lines up.
I just hung out with some AA people that feels good. I still feel an unsettled feeling. I think its in regard to my vague lifes work that I’m building. I think I’m Making the Wrong Thing somehow. My stupid fake commercial seems like its just living in cowardly irony land. I want to foregoe Irony completely. Its not the best use of a class assignment to get Real as Hell but I still think I should make something not ironic and not serious as a challenge. And also highly narrative and motion graphiccy. Thats my new plan.
Yesterday was the equinox, didnt realize until midnight. The shift was particularly crazy. Someone threw up, someone got 86’d for threatening to punch one of the servers. Fun day. Today, much less so. This is the shift I’ve had the least to do of any shift so far. Theres a band with two of their own techs, so if I even tried to help I would just be in the way. Kind of depressing how much I’m just looking for ways to be helpful. I think I would be a really excellent employee for someone who was willing to let me do actual work to the peak of my abilities. Seems unlikely so I guess I have to work on something that makes people pay attention to me. To do so I have to create 1,000,000,000,000 useless things for my own edification. Reality is as it is. Excited to go to sleep now that I’m thinking about it.
Doing data visualization practice on my computer for something to do that doesnt feel absolutely pointless. It’s going ok. I want to be less bored. I need more production gigs but I don’t when theyre going to come. Eventually I will tire of them too. I need to make the greatest film of all time. Maybe I need to focus more attention on writing scripts. Many different options.
DJ set last night. I was being a brat about it bc I think djing is not a worthwhile pursuit for me. Its very competitive and I dont find it compelling bc I cant really party. I feel a bit of a fraud and I find it slightly embarrassing. Then of course, you get a bunch of hot chicks throwing ass while you play 90s jungle and you remember what its all about. I also felt weird bc there were a lot of people from my college there. There was one guy who did like high minded electronic hardware techno stuff and toured with it and I happened to go to his show basically alone in LA and I was on meth and I think I generally acted really weird. I thought about injecting stimulants a lot on my way walking to work for some reason. Its weird to know youve experienced the most awesome, interesting, otherworldly pleasure you will ever experience and then just having to say “ok not allowed to do that anymore”. Its also strange because experiencing that much pleasure at once is legitimately terrifying. It helps that its distinct from happiness. Pleasure doesnt do what happiness does, though it is a necessary ingredient at times.
Today I’m just slaving away one of my weekends again. Wedding. Theres nowhere in the building to hide. Events everywhere except the screening room, and the tech is playing ska in there for some god awful reason. I have an idea to try to track my movements all around the hotel one shift and display the data in a 3d model to try to see where I go and what I do because I inevitably do a lot of complicated back tracking and back forth stuff and odd maze like routes that probably seem absurd out of context. I think I would need some sort of constant gps data collection (easy due to phone) along with an an altimeter?? I’ll look into it.
sep 22 23
very hungry. My personal trainer guy couldnt do it today so I went on a run today and I have definitely lost some conditioning even after a week. Too bad how fast it goes and how hard it is to be consistent. Met with my sponsor and went to a meeting. I'm now on step 3 again, which is "Turned our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood Him". Something I would like to try harder with this time now that my conception of God has evolved. I read and think about God a lot but I dont know if I turn my will and my life over enough. Thats really what its all about. Thats a really fundamental part of your relationship with Him, no matter which aspect of his infinite being you have your hands on. Saying more prayers being more humbly servile.
Tonight Im djing a thing and I hereby turn over my dj set to do with as he wilt. So be God's will
Worked for a long time on after effects. I guess I’m making progress but it feels like everything I’m doing is stupid. Of its time. I was reading Junger and de Montherlate yesterday and it made everything I’m doing now feel hoaky and trite. Today a guy in a CCRU shirt was being ironically right wing at me before the reading and I felt depressed and went to my friend’s reading and showed up late and only heard this guy’s story about Nietzche and the barbie movie and it all really feels the same and small and pointless. I started feeling bad I wasn’t trying to make the films Jean Cocteau was making (bc of de Montherlate) but I realized I havent even seen any so maybe I’m getting ahead of myself
Monday I was very tired after my long long stint of working so I was recovering and didn’t get much done. Yesterday I was trying to complete this aftereffects stuff and made very little progress despite hours of working on it. Today I’m working sound for this weird green fascist edged climate panel among the travel industry. “Green travel.” Its funny that not polluting is becoming such a luxury product. The minister of tourism from Panama was saying that he’s trying to convince the local indigenous population to be less disnified, because tourists of today want an ‘authentic experience’. Cynical and creepy but no less than expected. I guess the hotel is becoming a partner in whatever nonsense is happening. I have a headache. Hard to have that many thoughts. I’m focused strongly on this stupid thing I’m doing for my stupid class. Woke up full of doubt. I guess it’s one step at a time. I need to go to a meeting soon. I don’t think I’ve been going enough, or meditating or praying. I prayed this morning. I don’t feel particularly comfortable or calm or optimistic, but I guess I’m working hard. We’ll see how I feel this weekend, but mainly I’ll just be working. Unless something shifts I will be working every weekend for the rest of the year, which is sort of insane.
Fell off of diaryposting for a bit. I’ve been extremely busy making money. Got rent money etc for a sec so that feels good. I worked another production thing, a commercial with dogs, which was cute and funny, and then two weddings. Still at a wedding and I’m just trying to stay out of the way bc the band brought their own PA and stuff. Very tired, very excited to wake up tomorrow and work on some projects for my self. I think I am going to help do sound recording and post sound for this annoying lefty influencer. This guy is popular with internetty media types who position themselves as an alternative. Existing as an anti-redscare thing is just so much worse and such an important part of that gross ecosystem and yet they get smug resentiment and clout just the same. I’m being pretty vague and skewed about it because now I definitely dont want to talk shit. I guess I’m worse because I’m taking a pay cut to do it, so clearly the clout is worth it. I just think I need to take every gig in the direction of making the film that will solve our crisis of spiritual emptiness. Its my duty. I do have him blocked on every platform bc he kept following me. This is one of his strategies- to follow every weird low follower semipolitical edgelord and then rephrase funny jokes and takes for the lamest turbodemocrats around. Anyway whatever. Need sleep
Weird day. Started working production gigs for my friend’s girlfriend and I am trying to just come in super wide eyed doing as much as I can. I feel sort of ridiculous being so gung ho but I am genuinely excited. I just did DAT stuff today but I insisted on being in charge of one of the cameras because it was just a static DSLR. I want to learn. I tried to just ask as many questions as possible.
Anyway first of all it was at the office of those people who made the big speed racer boots for some reason. I guess it was just a convenient rental? It was all a project done by a certain presidential aide who was involved in an impeachment investigation. Really surprising to learn. She was notably nice and cool, which I sort of had figured for some reason. Either way it was a part of an anti bullying and mental health PSA thing where people read their negative thoughts to their loved ones. It was trying to say- hey you wouldnt talk to your sister like this so why do you say these things to yourself. Parts were very depressing, but it was interesting to see the tension between the “negative thoughts” that seemed like guarded constructions- “I need to represent disabled people well”, “I cant make it as a black man in a white world” and then the negative thoughts that seemed to be very hard to admit, which were all very simple- “I am worthless”, “I am ugly”, “I am fat”. were the most common ones. I also thought it was peculiar to hear the director talk about how the negative self talk was ‘mean’ more than how these thought patterns were antiproductive. Of course most were judgements and by definition neither true or false, and the guy said to each person that he knew the negative statements werent true because he had spent time with the people. I kept thinking that the more specific thing is to just try to see judgements for what they are, relate facts to what I would like to see, make an action plan to attain goals, continually reassess actions and if necessary, goals and timelines. Beyond that I just want to use my mind as a tool to get my goals, observe and learn, and experience God’s immanence and transcendance.
I am very tired bc I just worked a 14 hour shift and am prolly not making perfect sense. Three more all day shifts to go and then I’ll have a day to continue work on video project for class.
Feel off. Didnt sleep much at all last night and couldnt stay asleep so went for a huge run at like 9 and then did a bunch of PT for my back I’m supposed to be doing. The whole rest of the day was doing little bits of coursework for my goofy online class and then trying to learn as much AfterEffects as I could before meeting time. Its going decently, and I’ve learned theres a javascript extension within the program for animations, which I suspect will prove exceptionally handy.
Dont want to get cocky, and it seems plausible I’ll be working 12 hour shifts until Monday. Waiting to hear back about tomorrow, but it does look like Thur-Sun is booked fully at the very least. Not a problem, but means I need to stay focused on the task at hand above all else. I wish I didnt feel so ill at ease right now. I wonder if I took my medication twice or something. I feel exceptionally tired and anxious simulatenously. I do feel this way pretty frequently unfortunately. It wont last forever. I would like to find out whats going on tomorrow at the very least so I can settle my vision for the future.
Right now I’m going to this NA meeting where people always see famous people at. Never recognized anyone, but presumably have seen some without knowing. Dont know what nearly any famous people look like. I asked God to help me see him this morning and now I have new work at new roles (gaffer) and I’m near having panic spill out my pores for some reason. Mysterious ways? How could one tell?
Sunday was just another day working. I woke up just in time to get to the hotel 10 minutes into my shift. The DJ who they had working brought all his own gear and didn’t need me to do anything except for set up his table for him. I suppose he could have done that himself as well but I did it before he showed up either way. Not all DJs are like that, many of them don’t seem to know the basics of audio equipment, which is something I’ve never understood. This guy had his own mics, his own recording equipment, his own PA. He was actually very good at what he does, including blending Vanessa Carlton’s 1000 miles with Drop it Low. Working with such an illustrious wedding Master of Ceremonies made my job easy, which is fine, but I find it much more torturous to be there and doing nothing so I buckled in for shift where I did many many crosswords while hiding in the electrical closet.
On the contrary one of the server assistants’ uncle was suddenly in hospice so I decided to just take over his role. At a certain point people kept trying to fill in for my new role and I just insisted on doing it. I think I may be bored at this job, but luckily I have more production work for the rest of the week.
Monday I was exhausted so didn’t do much except watch Beau Is Afraid. Pretty strange movie, dont really know what else to say at this point about it. Well made but hard to focus on. Sort of Homeric but also very Jewish and self consciously oedipal.
need a philly cheesesteak and a blunt and some head fr 💯
Last day of Art Week, at least for me. I’m working 23 hours this weekend so wont be able to go to the event I actually wanted to attend, the screening of Angel’s Egg with Yoshitaka Amano. Frustrating. I went to a lot of openings this week and I still have this feeling that I’m just around and not participating. Expecting to feel this way for the rest of my life. Trying to stay in the present trying to stay in the present trying to stay in the present and eventually I can just snap when this continues to not work. My good friend Hugh’s last night in NYC last night so I stayed out really late and was present for a lot of people I know getting really really really intoxicated. I’ve been avoiding this kind of thing because its really alienating and also dull and sometimes deeply enervating. Sometimes its interesting to watch two women swaying back and forth between parked cars dressed exactly the same seeming to have unrelated conversations at each other, to pick an example from last night. My back hurts. I really wanted to eat before work but train issues might prevent me. I think if I had made a few different decisions in 2018 or even 2019 I wouldnt be feeling this way and it wouldnt be too late for me but also maybe I would be dead.
Yesterday I was extremely tired. I hadnt eaten enough the previous day and that continued on, so I was sort of generally out of sorts all day. I also had hurt my back a bit and it kept waking me up, so I was sleep deprived. I did my classwork, which I let take much longer than I should have.
After fretting around at home I went to this very strange event which Alyssa got invited to. It was a Lotus (the car company) product launch. Burial did the sound design for some reason. It was fairly surreal and goofy and not well attended. It was maybe half staff and half rich freaks. We ate a lot of good canapes and got to sit in their new electric car and play with the buttons. I also got some good low res scifi looking video footage I can use for motion graphics now.
Afterwards we went and feasted on Wu’s Wonton with a friend whose leaving for San Francisco to be a labor lawyer. Very sad hes leaving, really love the guy. I’ve become quite close to him. He’s been genevieve’s best friend and twin flame (If I dare say so) for years and has been nothing but good to me overall. I’m going to see him tonight. I wonder how to get sincere and say goodbye? I dont think this will be close to the last time I see him but its hard to remember the inconstancy of good things. I try to think of now as the good times I will miss, because I’ve neglected to do so in the past. Its an impossible feat but it helps me to not feel like I’m in a holding pattern. Thats something my friend when I was 17 in rehab told me to do and I thought it was idiotic given our circumstances, but he since killed himself and I think of that statement often. I love Hugh and will be sad he wont be as much a presence in my life.
First I just worked on class stuff. I went to a coffee shop downtown after therapy and worked shoulder to shoulder with other people on their macbook pros who were also doing graphic design. One guy was using fruity loops. There were 4,000,000 people in the coffee shop and it was at least 5,000,000,000 degrees outside. I felt sort of ridiculous but I did the thing I set out to do.
Then Gf’s opening in a group show along with a cluster of openings at nearby galleries last night. It was nice to see people but I feel exhausted this morning. I also hurt my back because my friend whose moving out of the city gave me a big hardcover book and a film camera and a microphone he was trying to get rid of, so I had an embarrassingly full backpack and was dragging it around everywhere. Really tired of my back hurting. I think this physical therapy thing Imm doing is helping but its started hurting off and on again. Wish I just didnt have a bad back but supposedly its fixable
Sort of distracted bc an old man fainted on the train platform (the same platform that another guy fainted on the other day) and this really obnoxious guy wearing head to toe palace saved his life and now hes on facetime shouting about it to somebody (“Thought it was a homeless acting all douche but then I saw all the blood comin… I’ll call you tonight when I’m drunk”).
Yesterday was west indies day parade and labor day. went to prospect park and hung out with some ppl. think I offended a they them by joking about my toxic masculinity book club (which is me, a homosexual, and a non binary) and they kept saying the bible was the best example of toxic masculinity and I told them to stop insulting the bible if they wanted to wear catholic crosses and then talked about leviticus and deuteronomy for slightly too long. Then I went to my friends rooftop for bbq thing and spent most of the time fretting on whether or not I would get hired for a three day trucking job. Someone else nabbed it first so now Imm heading to my friends house to try and make music
Came to Portland Maine for my cousin’s wedding on Friday. Lots of family time since, havent had much of a chance to write or think or anything but I can cover everything now that I am waiting to go back home at the airport. I feel pretty emotionally and physically, not that anything too bad happened. This had some overtones of family drama, but nothing explicitally impactful or dramatic. I cant describe the full contours of my family here, but the sketch is that Tim, my cousin on my mom’s (massachussetts wasp) side and the groom, is from the Boit family. The boit family suffered a big loss when Tim was around 15 when my mom’s sister (tim’s mom) got cancer and died. Subsequently both hher kids got fairly alienated from their father as well. My mom took it upon herself to fill some of the void, but they both had fairly rough times. Tim’s sister fared much worse. She came out as trans and suffered from lots of other mental health stuff, drug issues, blah blah blah. She overdosed earlier this year. Both of these things had a bit of a pall over the otherwise very positive wedding. Tim, for his part, seemed to respond by excelling in academics and his various hobbies. He works at the most prestigious chemistry lab in the country (arguably) at harvard now, though hes humble enough I didnt know this for a long time. He does lots of outdoorsy stuff and hes extremely positive. Its a bit infuriating and it doesnt make me feel particularly good in comparison. We used to be very close and we havent been as tight since weve been in our late 20s and beyond. It was nice to see him get married. I also really enjoyed eating lobster.
I felt a lot of ambivilance about growing older and the mere facts of what my family is and who I am. I couldnt avoid noticing the specificity of me, myself. I struggle with that and I felt fear because it all highlighted the need for commitment. Tim’s commitment to his career, relationship, friends, etc, created his life. I do a lot to avoid committing at all for committing to the wrong thing. Committing to nothing is always the wrong thing. My problems are the exact same as many others and I should maybe just give in to some sort of flow which takes me somewhere. Maybe I am doing that and actually need to hold on to something solid for a long time. I guess I actually need to take hold of something with propulsion and use it in the service of going a direction of my choosing
Cleaned the whole house and then worked a little on this script I’ve had in mind. Tiring day. I had a zoom call so my stupid online class could all meet each other. Made me feel less like I was making optimal choices towards a specific goal. Hoping to eradicate those thoughts from my brain. I fear that I am misrepresenting myself to other constantly, but likely am doing that to myself as well. Afterwards I went down the street to my friend’s party and it was nice. Talked to a lot of people, was acting very normal etc. I met a few people and got to know some people I sort of knew better. At the end of the night it was just me and drunk people and the final girl was hitting on me, looking for the last escape pod of the night, and she said she was a filmmaker and I said I was starting to do that too and she told me 31 was ‘not that old.’ Felt fairly devestating
Got home the previous night at 4am so slept in late and did little other than getting a somewhat bad haircut. Shoot was ultimately fine and looks like it may lead to some more stuff. I still feel very between things, but I guess I’m starting this silly little design class. Now going to focus on that and writing some more scripts to have ready for the far future. Or sooner, who knows. Trying to just stay invested in the developing present.
Busy day so far and continuing. I ran and read gnostic text this morning. Its a real slog. Not sure why I continue but I now feel compelled to finish sludging through the esoteric nonsense. I did a big fast run. Then I helped my gf move studios w the help of my friend from an old art handling job who I share a practice space with. Nice guy.
I got back and did some weird graphic editing thing I got stuck in my head. Immediately upon finishing this art girl I met through genevieve was looking for a PA so I got on the train to coney island to help with this music video shoot. Seems fine. I feel strongly I’m doing the wrong thing always.
I started my weird design class and felt like every other person had a better reason to be there. More specific, coming from a more coherant background. Now I’m standing guard by some equipment by some equipment so a couple people can tape this rap performance a few times around the coney island theme park to edit into a music video. Am I having fun? Am I reaching for something? Will I have enough money next month? Am I learning anything? What’s next? Is this it?
Yesterday I woke up pretty depressed and missed a church service I meant to go to but then meditated and read gnostic stuff and ran a really long time- longer without stopping than I have ever done, and nothing touched whatever evil part of me watches and criticizes constantly so I felt pretty worthless and powerless. I went w Genevieve to meet up w Alyssa and I felt sort of alienated because they basically talk about art world gossip entirely and I felt like a third wheel. I invited two people to come give me back up but one was sick and one could only meet later.
Then we went to an art world birthday party at a bar and I had to have a really demoralizing conversation with this guy about his experience at some prestigious residency. Basically artfag summer camp but its supposedly a really really really big deal. I only vaguely know about this guy because he tried to call out this one gallerist for being homophobic, which didnt seem to be true. I know the guy in question and hes a pretty awful and unpleasant man but not a homophobe. The gallerist also happened to be there and they were refusing to talk to each other.
Whatever, then I went to this screening that I was actually excited about my friend was putting on and it was horrible. Video art just seems to mostly be really bad for whatever reason. It was all depressing. The theme was cars and most of the videos vaguely involved cars but it was so boring. Each piece seemed totally pointless and contrasting the total nothingness of these dull videos with CARS as a totality—- speed, explosive power, crashing, death, America, the open road, the deletion of distance and time—- pretty abysmal. I want to make a counterclaim but I’m not invited to be a part of it. Theme of the day- I’m hating from outside the club and the club is retarded but I can’t say so because they won’t let me in to the club. Good for them I guess.
Cleaning today, then starting my stupid adult education online night class. I should probably just go back on heroin soon if my life continues to be this gay.
I’m almost too tired to post for yesterday and today is almost over. need to stop doing so many multi day posts. Self flaggelating now about it. Anyway yesterday I cant remember what I did in the morning. Not too much, presumably. I know Im making myself read this Christian Hermetic text every day and its making me more insane. Its extremely slow reading and exhaustingly minute and 600 pages. Meditations on the Taroh, relatively well known Catholic version of Gnosticism basically. Strange theology but decently compelling. Cant really fully agree with much of what he says but dont disagree either. Learning a fair bit either way.
I also went to a friend of a friends performance/play. It was honestly really good. I didnt feel bored at all, which is quite a significant achievmant for an avant garde theatrical performance. The play was about a theatre performance collective (unnecarilly meta- one of the few things I wish was different) which is by necessity selling out to the market to get government funding (non existent entity, this fact is more or less addressed in the play, which deals with the NEA and the lawsuits as a subject matter.) The owner is ousted in a cynical MeToo backed ploy. It was good and not didactic despite dealing with the kinds of things that are usually addressed tritely. I felt great relief that my new friend isn’t a moron.
We went to her house after and stopped by a uruguyan place on the way. It was uruguayan independence day yesterday, uknown to us until we were confronted by the sound of drums and general rejoicing. Damn those portoguese (or spanish?) and Viva Uruguay! Felt like rejoining the Angelic Path after a long absence, but I shouldnt say so lest I jinx it with assuradeneas. I have the feeling God is going to give me what I prayed for and it will humble me. God isnt a genie and he doesnt grant wishes, but all the same I have a sense I might be laid low soon. Whatever it is it is what it is. Usually more nothingness occurs in the midst of a lot of things happening, so signs point to that continuing.
Today working a wedding. Boring. Easy, long, shift. Starting a continuing education class monday. Seeing my sister on monday
I think I’m more depressed than I realize. This has just been a mentally tough summer. Genevieve seems like shes exiting a depression thing, I’m going back into one. I was doing a lot of work on various projects somewhat frantically, but today and yesterday I didn’t get right back into something with inertia, and I’m still waiting on more work to come in, so I think I crashed a bit emotionally. I feel extremely drained and exhausted. Also my back really hurts. I hate this and I want it to stop. I either need to become a serious workaholic and devote myself to something and ideally something that actually gets tangible results, or else I need to find a way to have peaceful breaks from doing anything at all. I’ve been doing a lot of AA stuff and thats not enough. Maybe I haven’t been working on the steps enough, maybe I’m not doing enough service, maybe I just am actually a failure and need to accept that. I can’t really do much today. I felt like I was going to pass out from sitting up to play piano for an hour. I really feel completely useless. I barely feel sad I just feel like my will has been completely taken from me. I could have gone to a party but it seemed totally out of the question. Friend’s performance is tomorrow so I’m committed to a lot including the afterparty and my homegroup, so if I can power through I can’t say I didn’t do anything at all this weekend. Then work. Just need to get through all this and then the class I paid for starts. Hopefully that will fix me.
Good day, productive busy day. I did lots and lots of excercise in the morning, namely my new workouts to improve my posture, as well as a run I try to do around 3 times a week. I’m at a point where I can run almost 4 miles with 3 walking breaks only. I havent been too concerned with pace but I’ve been adding sprints. I should dial it in, though. I cleaned the house and then finished this silly web app which took me an embarrassing amount of time to complete. Im happy with it and I know that whatever I make next will be much quicker given what I now know. I also am reaching into more advanced techniques I think, so eventually I’ll just be good at web development. I guess thats how learning works. I also went to BAIR and hung out w Gunnar and all my new brooklyny aa friends. I like all of them but theyre a bit sincere. I dont need everyone to be bitterly ironic and jaded but I would like a few people with a more relaxed attitude towards Dasein. Actually thats what it is- Carl is extremely sincere but hes the perfect example of refreshingly pulled back. He doesnt need to assert himself and his identity so much but can allow things to flow. Its an alcoholic insecurity I guess- I wonder if I have that trait. Its good to fill my days no matter how frivilous. I’m going to get out of the house again today.
Felt very tired all day could scarcely get out of bed. Napped a lot. I felt like I was trying to participate in the world all day but it wasnt happening we’ll see about tomorrow.
3 Whole days. I havent solved my diary inconsistincy problem. The main issue with doing then more seldomly is that I feel each entry has to be much fuller and better. Doing them every day means they can all be mediocre, and the sheer athleticism of writing a public entry every day becomes the practice.
I’m not sure if I remember what happened two days ago. Actually I do, because that was the start of the weekend. I helped finish installing my friend’s thesis show and then went to my homegroup meeting and then immediately went back to the thesis show for the opening. It was nice and I saw some people I’m becoming friends with there and hung out with them after and invited a gallery owner and he got really drunk and talked about nietzche with us for a while. I sort of tried to float that I wanted to show some works but it was too subtle and I also got the answer that I expected which is that drawings have no market draw. Thats fine I have other stuff to work on and maybe show eventually.
The next day I worked an israeli wedding. Pointless to get into detail except one guy was bragging to another guest he worked for Mossad. Assume hes lying but funny either way. Today I went to this baptist church near my house for the first time. Been meaning to for a while to see, and it was a lot like I expected, very welcoming, sparse, lots of singing, passionate pastor. It put me in a great mood and I’ve felt pretty peaceful today but I guess I have some theological and cultural issues with baptism. Wish there was a perfect church just for me that didnt have any uncomfy regressive opinions but also had an aesthetic and discursive style with eons of staying power as well as a nature directly confrontational with the things that are lacking in the collective phenomena of contemporary experience.
Oh well, working another wedding today, very boring.
Helped my friend install his grad school thesis show. It took way longer than I hoped and I of course wasnt paid but its good to help others and I like this guy. Sometimes feel like the bridesmaid never the bride. Maybe I should get myself put in a group show somehow. I know one person who would be amenable but I dont have anything solid to show right now. I have some drawings I want to work on and should probably do some more etching and documentation of it but I’ve been really stupidly beating my head against this react I Ching interpreter. I finally have all the actual functionality working as I want it, so its a matter of fine tuning the prompt functions and then doing a bunch of styling to make it all look snazzy. Going to qualify at an AA meeting and I feel nervous. Would prefer to stay in bed but alas I am called to duty
I think I haven’t been that consistent with the diary recently because I’ve just been learning coding and waiting for freelance work contacts to get back to me, but within that is contained a lot of my life in general. I don’t know why I’m doing this coding thing. I’m trying to make an I-Ching interpreter with React and Javascript, and today I just finally got it working. It gives the full hexagram results and sends an API call for a ChatGPT interpretation. I need to do a lot of tweaking to make the results good and consistent and make the whole thing snazzy looking so I can show people, but I have made quite a bit of progress either way. I learned a lot. I don’t know why I’m doing this, and I havent been able to really explain to anyone a good reason either. I mean maybe paid web design work in the future, who knows, but I’m not holding my breath. I feel weird and tired still. I’m going to this downtown meeting. I went to a really weird meeting run by a very prominent cancelled person. It was honestly non-notable and a traditional older hip guy AA meeting with the same stuff as usual, but I felt good for having been invited to something exclusive.
Still struggling to mantain good diary discipline. Yesterday I got up and was exhausted and can’t remember what I did with my time. I think I did more coding because thats what ive been doing when left to my own devices. I went to my friends block party thing which was basically just a bunch of amateur rappers and musicians and people hanging out. Very bushwick. I had a huge headache. I have resolved to be more social so on Friday that meant I stayed out until 3 am grilling on someones roof. I’m not being coherant or writing with much focus, and this is all to say I was tired and my head hurt yesterday but I went to this outdoor party and then I went to this guy who I know’s birthday. I don’t really like this person and theyre really rich and it was at their mom’s house in the upper east side and it felt extremely strange. Theater kids, basically. There were a few dimes square types there which I wasn’t really expecting. There’s probably a lot more to say but I don’t want to. I woke up and did very little today. Not too bad, but I have to reply to a few people and lock down rates and dates for some employment because I need freelance work and I’m all but there. Aghhhh
I’m now making a resolved effort to be less bad at the diary updating. I have had almost no work the last week, so I’ve been spending all available time coding. I did a couple 12 hour days which left my brain completely depleted of glucose for any other activity but I’ve realized I can only really productively learn for 2 hours at a time. I made a small app to generate I Ching hexagrams and its embarrassing how hard it was for me to do that, but I know a hell of a lot more react and javascript than I did a week ago. I dont have a great plan codingwise but its been compelling so far. I might be feeling a little dissafected and directionless still. I went to the book release of a prominent Internet based Art collective and it was as eye rolly as one might expect and no more. I felt left out because I feel as though Im on the periphary of a lot and not participating but simultaneously felt sort of repulsed by a lot of personality I encountered. A lot of people read as stupid and insecure and I dont like thinking that way. It means theres something missing in my soul when I start to notice stuff like that. Last night I talked to my friend’s girlfriend about work and she said she could def get me PA stuff and I have two more leads that seem reasonably likely. I’m hoping one of these pans out by monday or else I’ll have to start worrying about money and also idleness. I want to finish my I Ching app so I can start thinking about other things. I have several scripts and short fiction things I want to finish, so I can stop thinking about them. Thats my main motivation on finishing stuff these days, so I can put the object of work behind me. I’m trying to manifest a big success whatever that means, while simply doing the work in front of me disconnected from results as such. Going downtown to do stepwork w sponsor
I feel exhausted still. I’ve been coding nonstop and I’m not sure if I’m learning anything or if theres any purpose at all to what I’m doing. Keep feeling like things are flying by and I’m moving through heavy sand. I think I’m making some friends by accident. I also got invited to this AA meeting I keep hearing about in hush tones. It’s for famous cancelled people so I really want to go. Cant honestly say too much about it without probably breaking the traditions of anonymity. I thought I was gaining more energy and maybe I am but it doesnt feel like it. I’ve felt overexposed to socializing and also unable to relax by myself, which has been a common and weird problem for me lately. I am going to try to get more done and also do some things I’m committed to without getting home too late and then doing my damndest to feel calm for a while.
coded all day. need something big to happen. tired
Was really exhausted today. Back still hurts. Sent EJ’s dad a bunch of examples of work and a cv and cover letter and put extra work in because it feels feasible. He runs a sign company similar to what I used to do when I moved here so I’m hoping thats a big plus. At the moment I completely decided not to pursue any graphic design stuff it came back around. I guess we shall see what happens. That inspired me to overhaul my stupid website. I’ve devoted way too much time to working on this thing, but I think I have actually learned quite a bit so if anyone in the future wants help with a website I will be able to do it. Too tired to write much more but I don’t feel all that depressed despite how exhausted my body is. Good sign I suppose. thinking maybe god is not in heaven because he has been poured into this realm of existence. No way to test my blasphemy
I’m still in quite a lul with respect to the diary. Havent felt like writing much. I’ve repeatedly been mentioning my depression, which is the main impetus. I’ve also been having interpersonal feelings which I preferred to think through privately. It might be better to have an anonymous diary so I wouldnt feel at all inhibited, but the ideal would be to have the stamina to have a private diary and a public diary, but that also defeats the purpose. I’m coming out of my depression I think. I spoke at a Aa meeting and did well and it lifted my mood but all of this has made me realize how apart from God I’ve been feeling. I’m reading a christian esoteric freaky mystic text and it makes all religiosity feel ignoble and insane. He talks about angels and demons and planes of existence. Its Meditation on the Tarot. Theres a lot of stuff there to think about and I want a basic knowledge of both tarot and gnosticism so its worth it, but I’m having trouble praying. I dont want to live in a forsaken world, I cannot bear it. Im working a wedding and it feels blase and tasteless. I may have leads on more work so I can vary my schedule more ans also I need to not run out of money.
I’ve been monstrously depressed recently, and yesterday and today my emotions have transformed into a terrible agitation and anxiety with seemingly no source. It feels like life is going too fast for me to even participate. I feel sluggish and tired but my muscles can’t stop moving. I don’t exactly know whats going on with my mind or body but I really do not like it. Hoping and praying for relief soon.
Still depressed but I am not descending as deep as before due to being medicated. I love modernity and being a bugman. I only wish it killed my sex drive so I had nothing left to sublimate. The only thing that happened yesterday is that I had to call 911 after seeing a man collapse after I got off the train. His girlfriend said he had taken an edible but he likely did get a concussion from hitting his heas on the ground. Here is a picture of the
He was starting to talk sluggishly when the paramedics came. I couldnt hear what he said but the woman kept saying ‘No youre ok, Im not mad at you, the paramedics are coming, you hit your head.’ Reminds me of when I would constantly have seizures and concussions and minor ODs and girls would have to comfort me while being annoyed and worried about me
depressed
Have not been sufficiently motivated to write here. Depressed I guess. I wish everything wasn’t really annoying and also pointless. I started sprinting some during my runs which makes me at least sort of calm because I have been exhausted the entire day. Wish I was asleep right now.
The 26th a friend had a little party that was sort of an art gallerist networking event. I ended up sort of feeling on the spot because people came expecting to find professional contacts, which I am not particularly useful as. I also think I’ve had a hard time socializing a bit. The next day my friend told me that I could come pick up an Amiga 1000 and 2000 from an elderly british lady getting rid of all of her old stuff. My friend has a business where she organizes peoples houses for her, so this must be a client. They both seem to turn on, but I need to but some goodwill monitors with s video jacks in order to test them. Excitinf atuff it seems
very very tired. practice space all day trying still to figure out something good to do with my voice. AKA practicing singing. Gaining small amounts of confidence and made several loops. I just have to be on the mic and make noise until I like it. Going to get dinner near my house against my better judgement with my friend. I wish everyone around me wasnt constantly complaining. It makes me a worse and unhappier person because it is very contagious
Played Zelda 10am to 8pm with barely any breaks then ate breakfast and then went to the gym and now going home I guess to sleep
Still bad at updating recently. In my defence I’m depressed again. Dont feel like getting into it. At work and want to leave. I dont want to do heroin but its utility at making work shifts fly by is hard to beat. Want to go home and play zelda, which I pulled the trigger on due to my aforementioned meloncholy. Would like to be in Hyrule kingdom rather than Earth for the forseeable future
Sluggish, unfocused, introverted day after my accidental weed exposure. I’m predictably having mild cravings for real drugs for the first time in forever. Opiates in particular. Nothing distressing or unmanagable but I feel generally depressed and very thrown off. I also isolated today. Did some more tooling around with computer vision javascript applet stuff. I started to feel like an idiot and then played zelda and refused to leave the house. thought about god a lot. if theres a plan for us and one for me
Interesting turn of events, I got high by accident. After a 12 hour hotel shift I went to a nearby meetinf. Good meeting, I felt good and sober after and met new people and generally was an upstanding 12 stepper. On my way home I passed by the organic supermarket and went in to buy a fun beverage, knowing that I had a night alone to sit and think basically and wanted to treat myself for a long days work with some kind of exciting drink. I got a ginger beer and a weird cbd drink, or so I thought.
I have a dumb habit of drinking CBD drinks even though I believe they have no effect. I try to convince myself of placebo action happening, to no real noticable success. Today, however I accidentally drank a thc can the company has started producing with the exact same packaging of their normal unpsychoactive can.
I drank two doses unfortunately, and feel super high. I’m noticing that I’m being more fastidious with punctuation and am writing this entry much more like an essay explaining the time I accidentally got stoned rather than a typical diary entry where I ramble and spit. I never really loved weed but I kept using it over and over to try to get it to work or in special circumstances or when I swore off anything harder. Sometimes I really like it. I really liked it when I quit fentanyl and was on kratom, but then I started going to AA and it made it clear to me I wanted to be substance free. I know a lot of dope fiends and even alcoholics who switch entirely to weed and make it work. ‘Marijuana Maintanince program’. It hardly seems worth it- most of them just smoke weed all day and do less than they would with a smack habit. Sad- and for what? Being high is stupid. I guess i also know computer programers and Type A people who dont seem like addicts smoke weed all day and do reasonably well. I suppose a certain type of brain is like that, but thc neither made me feel very relaxed nor allowed me typical cognitive function.
I feel guilty and stupid and like an idiot. I wonder if I should try to enjoy it at all- if thats even feasible. I’m going to my friend kevin’s house and I’m going to see how I feel. I worry I won’t be able to handle anyone but I don’t know if I would feel any better sitting at home fretting
Fought despair today. I ran though and am making cardiovascular progress. The rest of the day I played with making API calls to Google Vision and other computer vision ais to make a visual search function. I figured it out at the end of the day while making dinner but then realized it doesnt make sense for my original use so now need to think of if theres anything I want to use an autolabeler for now that I set it up
I’ve lost all consistency with the diary. I want to get back to it but I barely know what to say. Trying not to even think. Going to work, back from vacation, doing personal projects, attempting to help new people in AA. 3 years of sobriety this month. Wish I had something concrete to look forward to but its all chances and unlikely opportunities half offered. I had a bad day today but not for any tangible reason. Its often like that I guess
Jet lag really hit me and despite a strong start I became almost too exhausted to do anything. I tried to go to like three different coffee shops to work and they were all closed for some reason. I ended up finding one but they gave me an iced coffee that tasted rotten (welcome back to america) and I ended up reediting a podcast episode I had already done. I went back to bed and edited the correct episode but it took me forever and I then watched one episode of a terrible anime and fell asleep at 9. Today I woke up at 4:30 so clearly still jet lagged. Trying desperately to not fall into despair and work towards better things. Sending lots of emails and taking steps each as they come etc.
So I really fell off. Longest by far without an entry yet except maybe when I had covid, though I may have updated still then. I felt too much pressure to have a really good roving travelogue, and wasnt up to it, so gave up. Should have just at least noted what I was doing. The final days were spent exhausted, with genevieves family, eating food I cant afford. Her family likes me. Its weird that now I feel like part of the crew. I can tell because I didnt feel bad about telling genevieve when her brother was annoying me. I still like them a lot regardless. We went to the jewish museum together in Vienna and her dad’s takeaway was ‘Us jews were a bunch of suckers’. Anyway I’m back
Hoping not to get depressed about being back in ugly smelly expensive new york. Lot more homeless people here. My life doesnt have the luster of travel and it certainly doesnt feel like anything is possible like it did while caveleiring across eastern europe. I’m just launching myself back into stuff. I worked all day at the library after going for a run. Feels good to not stop moving. I have a little bit of work now and this weekend and I’m hitting people up for more. Pretty broke after the trip but it doesnt really matter right now. Still lots of room on my credit card and I’ll have rent
Want to keep inertia up. Decided not to give up on my stupid film project. I think I just wanted the easy way out. Emailed a bunch of weirdos and will do it again tomorrow to see if anything lands. I am jet lagged though so I’m already becoming sleepy. Feel like I should have something more profound to say after my first real experience travelling but I dont. Maybe the profound thing is it doesnt really matter. I love learning about history and you can do a lot of that in europe, but you take yourself everywhere you go. Maybe if I went somewhere stranger it would be more life altering. I think globalization has done away with profoundly strange journeys. Hard to even get away from the English language.
Reaching the part of the trip where I become spoiled. With Genevieve’s family now and theyre very intense and I’m very exhausted. I’m at a really nice hotel at the foothills of the alps being treated to a luxury experience less than 0.0001% of humans whove ever lived got close to and yet I feel cross and out of sorts. I think I’ve just been on vacation too long and havent been alone in an infinite amount of time. I saw the ice man Otzi, a couple more fascist momuments, went to a lake and a mountain town. Ate at another cheap michellin star restaurant they somehow have out here. I feel like my general feeling of uselessness and purposelesness is being galvanized by being treated better than I deserve. Also genevieves family is extremely verbal and active and want to continuously discuss the plans and despite finding a hotel with ample relaxing ammenities is far from relaxing. Oh well I’m going to Vienna soon anyway and wont be relaxed until well after I get back home from there.
Second and final day in Venice, which was basically a layover. Feeling even more over my bout of Tito’s revenge, but still an exhausting and nauseous day of walking over cobblestone bridges in the hot sun. Like Vienna, Venice becomes sort of sickening in its quaintness, especially when you see the cracks in the seam where theyve tried to preserve its rennaissance majesty. The cut up and metal lined tile conceiling modern electric and plumbing lines gives a hint, and the ubiquitous north african merchants selling identical tourist garbage confirms it. I'm actually very curious who supplies these tourist trap sellers, and how they seem to organically organize around similar (best?) practices. There must be a deep world to tourist merchandise cartels.
Anyway we tried to go to St Marks basilica but it was swamped, but saw Mary of Miracles, which a friend recommended. Really breathtaking church which was built after populist demand for housing of a painting held to be miraculous. The church shows the city's move from gothic styles to rennaiscance, and is made out of a huge different numbers of different marble, with a dome housing decorated with a chessboard of panel paintings. Its very psychedelic, especially the relation between the marble and the ceiling, as well as the interior and exterior. Hard to find such beauty in the world. We also went to the guggenheim and saw some paintings I like, including these antifa cartoons picasso made I've always been sorta in love with. I heard a lot of tourists and tourists's children making fun of 'modern art.' Some mom told her kid 'its all about the interpretation.. its whatever it means to you.' A ghastly idea. Maybe theyre right. Peggy guggenheim seemed like an it girl of her time and collected all male painters and had a lot of money and probably drank a lot. Maybe its degenerate.
Oh that reminds me- we went to the jewish ghetto this morning and saw the really spectacular synegogues from the early days. Wish I was jewish. Wont say more on the matter. On the train to Bolanzo now. Feeling insecure and stupid for being insecure. I wish people adored me and my dreams were realized. I feel a bit like a spoiled consumer travelling like this. I certainly dont deserve it.
Didn’t realize it was the 4th of July until this morning on our ferry across the Adriatic from Pula to Venice. I still felt sick and hadn’t eaten anything or really urinated in almost 24 hours. There were some very irritating australian theater kids behind us and a slightly irritating and equally charming German tour guide in front trying to sell everyone on some paid tours. I felt exhausted and awful but entering Venice strikes a lot of awe. It’s hard to really overstate the fact that it is a city built on the water. The fact that everything is done by boat is everpresent and fascinating. The bare infrastructure is possibly the most exciting part- and it renews a sense of fascination in the built world around us and the supply chain linking ourselves with the development and progression of society. It’s easy to forget these kinds of things, and I struggle to rouse myself from the fuzziness of the commodity fetish. Even here, the breathtaking neogothic and renaissance buildings and art are beautiful, but also invite one into the curious development of the mercantile Venice which funded the families who patronized the artists. I often fantasize about being a great artist of politician, but found myself today thinking about being a rich patron of the arts with a beautiful and easy life.
Funny to be here on Independence day in America. I’ve always liked the fourth of july. I have no special love for American and no special hate for it. I wish some parts of my life were different and I know many feel the same and many blame, rightly or wrongly, the specific social arrangement we have in our country. I do feel on the 4th a reminder that America is my home, for better or worse. Maybe I should foster the little flame of duty I feel for my country of origin, as that has been a driving force for personal and general greatness. One thing I do get now is how much nicer robust public transit is. They have good public transit in Europe even in cities where many other things are failing. Here there are water buses, which is exactly what it sounds like and feels like being in a miyazaki film about real life.
Our travelling companion went to Munich yesterday and got food poisoning after landing down and I feel responsible. Hope genevieve doesn’t get it too, but its been over 48 hours so presumably its some fish or octopus we both ate and she didnt.
We took a bus from Ljubliana to Pula, and its been a bit of a whirlwind, hence why its taken me three days to make an entry. Not prioritizing the diary because I find it also is hard to say something useful or interesting or entertaining or profound about an experience like a traveling vacation while in the midst of it. The best one can hope for is that insights creep in later after marinating somewhere in your brain. I do think I’m internalizing a lot, but its hard to say exactly what I’m learning. Maybe that everything is the same everywhere all the time. The most profound realization is that taking yourself to the other side of the world doesn’t mean anything. You still are constrained by the same laws of physics, and those that govern your inner psyche. A million people smarter than me have already noted this.
Pula is beautiful, its on the Croation coast and it is across the Mediterranean from Italy. It has a really exciting Roman/Italian/Balkins mix of influence. We are staying literally across the street from the best preserved roman arena still standing. That is one thing thats surprised me consistently about Europe. The cities weve visited are surprisingly not precious about their cultural heritage. Maybe its just the relative paucity of relics and ruins and ancient monuments one sees in the US but its shocking to see cafes set up around the ancient colosseum and stranger still that they don’t look out of place. Europe does still commodify their history all the same way of course.
Yesterday we saw a chintzy performance reenactment of gladiator scenes in the arena. It was very fun but sort of for children, but I wouldn’t let us miss it. I got a lot of really good pictures and video and it was very funny. Today we went to Brijuna, Tito’s island he lived on and took diplomats to. Their museum was very underfunded and strange and focused mostly on his exotic animal collection, the descendants of which populated the island’s zoo. We went to try to find the beach but found a sad looking elephant first. Across from Tito’s caged asian elephant was a man staffing a cafe bar who was seemingly obsessed with opera. Blasting snippits of opera and adorning everything with the image of paverati. He gestured to a seagull and kept saying 'pivo loves our ice cream.’ Pivo means beer in Croation. He had spectacles with a magnifying glass on him. Strange character. That guy and meeting Kiko, the charming parakeet Tito gave to his daughter and who outlived the Balkans war and both of his owners will probably stick with me the most. The other activities we’ve done have just been laying around the Mediterranean beaches getting sunburnt. Not that I’m complaining about that.
Leaving Slovenia today. Loved Slovenia. Ljubliana is a really beautiful city. Its surrounded by mountains and looks like a bustling medieval european town still. Dragon iconography all over. Very lively, lots of live music everywhere and many people drinking at cafes and roaming around. Entering the balkans is interesting. Even though Vienna had some communist occupation, the legacy of Yugoslavia is much more present in Slovenia. I’m sure it will be even more so in Pula and the elsewhere in Croatia.
Everyone I’ve talked to here has been exceptionally friendly, including the first person we met who gave us samples of his homemade liquor. The architecture is a good comparison to Vienna, as it has many even older buildings, but not buildings built by the Hapsburgs. Additionally Polček has great buildings here, and we took a tour of his house. He was religiously devoted to a manic degree, which I didn’t know.
The state here seems to do pleasant things for the community, there were boats in the river floating by with flute quartets for everyones entertainment. Town squares had fountains and bands performing. Maybe its because everyone is so well behaved that its easy to do so. I know slovenia is the bougie balkan countries. Our friend who met us here said her bosnian contact was bitter she was going from there to see the stuck up Slovenians.
I feel strange travelling as a consumptive act. I’ve never done this kind of travelling before this year. I guess it is enriching, I’ve learned a lot about the two places I went, and saw many things and people which filled out my interior map of the world at large more. I used to be sort of forced by passion or circumstance from city to city in the united states, or situation to situation by the same. I thought it would feel a bit like that, but I can tell I’m always having a somewhat tailored experience. English has been ubiquitous as well, and everything has been made simple and frictionless. I wonder where I would have to go for things to feel utterly foreign. Uzbekistan? Chad? Myanmar?
You can see that globalism and postmodernity are infused in everything. Everything is being flattened before. Similary its clear to me that I take myself with me on the trip. My same insecurities and worries pop up in impropable ways even as I tried to leave them behind. The same dynamics persist no matter where you take them. Enjoying the trip so far
Final 2 days in Wien. We went to maybe every single church in vienna and they were beautiful. We saw the habsburg crypts, went to Karl-Marx-Hof, one of the impressive red viennese social housing project, went to the the seccesion building, and saw wagners train station. We also ate a lot and hung out in the Loos designed bar. Beautiful architecture, weird to imagine getting used to the ornate buildings. It also made the modernist turn in design make sense, the useless ornamentation of everything with copies of copies of copies and displays of wealth that just reference various dynasties of past cultures becomes pretty dizzying. Half of the objects in the city are guilded.
We also hung out with an artist friend of a friend and saw their beautiful apartment, and hung out with this young famed upstatt cake designer someone knew so we got a bit of the resident’s opinions. Seems like a great place to live but everyone just compared it to new york. Art world headquarters. Felt like they thought we were visiting the provinces when the wealth of real estate here is much more present. There are no american hapsburgs. Actually we did see the tomb of the mexican hapsburg, and it was interesting to see, since we visited the palace built for him in Ciudad Mexico earlier this year.
I feel like I am travelling decently, though I had to go back to our experimental apartment the museum put us up in bc i left my passport. Somewhat overwhelmed but also struck by how nothing feela fundamentally different. Maybe I should have expected that. Don’t feel very agentive- the trip, like all experiences I’ve been having, reinforce the sense that I should be grasping control through will. My friend who used to live here said I should meet up with his friend, but I couldnt make it happen. I feel guilty. I need to push forward and bring people into my orbit. Genevieve is very good at that, and we saw several people who reached out to her. Makes me think I’m doing something wrong, but of course I havent travelled to the continent preciously. Now waiting for a bus to Ljubliana. They sell beer and jagermeister at the transit depot
First full day of Vienna. Jet lag rapidly improving. Went to Genevieve’s art show in the morning after eating possibly the best coffee and croissant I’ve ever eaten. (Allegedly the croissant was invented here as a parody of the Ottoman flag after their attempted siege was refuted). Show is great, Genevieve’s work looks great. Weird technology focused show of AI and VR and computer stuff, so her sculptures stand out as being less gimmicky which is good. We met up with our friend and his new girlfriend and he took us around and showed us a lot of notable villas. Hes an architect and essentially an academic so he was a very good tour and he has become a lot less irritating now that he’s gained a girlfriend. We went to a biergarten as well and then to this amazing Otto Wagner church we got to through this beautiful old hospital complex that isnt used anymore. It’s interesting seeing the Secessionist take on a cathedral. Not the first thing I think of when I think of the style. I can also see what they were contrasting themselves with- the ornate overwrought florid buildings are everywhere. The church is far from minimalist, but it utilizes a lot of simple forms and abstracted figures. An incredible amount of gold lief and marble inlay. One can see how the style makes sense in the religious context. I tried to make the space conjure up for me the sincerity I feel in similar religious spaces, and I’m not sure if it did, but I’m impressed. The central altar with a circle of baroque porceilan faces strafed by gilded wings stands out to me and I wont forget it for a while. The rest of the day we went to various restaurants and bars and met up with some friends of friends at a bad art show. I spent a good while reading at a cafe to try to understand the vien lifestyle. I definitely understand it, and I understand how so many nazis come out of places like this, as any threat to their comfort must feel amplified to the point of mysticism. They seem to really like rules and order after all.
I am now fully in Vienna. Genevieve and I had a great time wandering around no sleep jet lagged confused gastrointestinally destressed. We saw a lot of contemporary art she’d been recommended and got it out of the way while we were dazed. Only one painting show was really really good otherwise non memorable. I slept by accident for one hour in between hanging out in coffeshops eating cake. I think I ate cake 3 times. They love cake here. I still feel quite jet lagged and its exactly what I expected. Strange feeling. One thing thats really struck me about Austria is that it barely feels like travelling. Everyone speaks english. It’s very easy to get around. At the same time its an absolute carnival of baroque and faux-baroque over the top architecture. Theres literally hapsburg copies of greco roman statues on most buildings, and when the sun strikes the pastel facades the apartment buildings look like birthday cakes. We saw a lot of the early modernist buildings too, and even these are dizzyingly ornate by my standards. Everything here is obnoxiously cute, and all saturday everything was moving really leisurely. We hung out in a famed coffee shop and watched old men in suits read newspapers for a while, and we met up with our friend and went to a notable bar in a palace-adjoined greenhouse with a butterfly garden. I’m sort of overwhelmed by the quaintness and my head is swimming by how cutesy everything is. Hoping to also adjust more by tomorrow and stop feeling so groggy. Today we’re doing a big treck to see a otto wagner church maybe and a famed piece of socialized housing and probably eat several more cakes.
well I'm in Austria. Actually I'm flying over the German-Austrian border but I will be in Vienna when I post this. My main takeaway from flying across the world is that its like a domestic flight but much longer, which I suppose is what I should have expected. I started to become really excited as the ocean receded and I saw Ireland, but my excitement is tempered strongly by jet lag. I'm sure it will return, but I expect a fairly mesmerized and confused day of sleep deprivation and adjustment. I am very curious what will transpire on this trip. I hope nothing too bad and everything too good
Feel groggy and strange. Nervous and excited for first transcontinental flight tomorrow. Don’t feel like writing now.
Its coming down to the wire on going to Europe. It all happened sooner than I could have imagined. Things move quickly. Was very productive today. I had therapy and I think it made me feel less insane. I’m very tired now, I was editing a bunch of garbage footage into a barely passable demo reel. I’m hoping to be able to make better stuff quickly, but I think its workable for someone who has just started and has no idea what he’s doing. Its all in the service of this girl’s project which seems far fetched and fake but it was a good excuse to get something on Vimeo. What else can I do but take step after step? I’m still really hoping Europe gets me out of this rut I’ve been in emotionally. I need to feel hopeful wonder again, and it seems like travelling does that pretty consistently. I’m going to my friend’s birthday thing at a bar and Genevieve invited a bunch of people and turned it effectively into a split birthday party/going away thing. I didnt invite anyone, which was probably a mistake. I sort of wish I could just crawl into a hole and recupirate whatever humour I’ve spent the last two days on the task of editing videos together. Things being as they are, I cant really say no, so it wouldve been smart to have my team come to dilute Genevieve’s. Nonetheless Carl’s friends are my friends, and Genebieves friends are also my friends. I’m just very tired
Yesterday I woke up at 3pm and didnt do anything other than be depressed.
Actually the last two days are exactly mirrring last week- something emotionally challenging happened over the weekend and it made Sunday and Monday terrible and gave me no ability to cope, and then Tuesday (today) I got up and immediately went for a run and cleaned the entire house and got to work and had a productive day. I just decided I didnt have enough time to be depressed. I need to finish off some video projects to make a reel for an opportunity which seems extremely far fetched. Nonetheless it puts good pressure on me to make some examples I can utilize later. I put together some passable videos and will record audio for them tomorrow. I’m hoping also to break this recent cycle friday, when Im going to europe for the first time and wont be implicated in any parties or downtown art socializing or new york city at all. I’m trying not to think about my life or emotions or anything in the meantime, and am just betting on a renewed zeal for living and a refreshed sense of possibility when I return. Going to meeting now and then to record a smidgen of guitar and then back home to sleep
Forever Magazine party day. I woke up immeasurably depressed and went back to sleep and was basically catatonic all day. I went to this meeting and it was terrible and made me want to stop being sober. I went to my friends house nearby, which was the reason I went to the meeting, because I thought he was having an opening and wanted to see him, but I got the days wrong and he was out of town. I called my dad but he didnt answer because he’s on some bike ride in europe.
I moped around back at home for a while until it was time for the ball and I put on some stupid outfit and went because I got free tickets and it was supposed to be 100$. I ate a lot of food and that sort of fixed me and we went in and I thought I was feeling better but I quickly felt bad about it all. I loved going into the oculus, and I thought it was sort of nice how it was set up even though it was in a weird Y2K office space style event rental. It kind of worked for their aesthetic and there were people there I liked. I even knew the person assisting with delivering the cake and I really like talking to her, but I sort of just complained without meaning to and she made fun of me for acting as though I was dragged to the exclusive event. The whole thing was I just felt stupid to begin with and that I didnt belong. I hate trying to tell people in one word something that impresses them. I hate talking about the fucking angelicism movie or milady raves or substacks (mine is the only good one). Actually someone told me I should monetize this substack and I disagree. Its just my gay diary. I’m a total brat but I’m not wrong. I hate people who hate the ‘downtown scene’ but what I hate even more is the downtown scene. I guess I’m just full of hate and self pity and fear despite my constant talk of love and empathy and God.
They love to talk about religion, but I don’t see it, and neither does anyone else. People want some sort of spiritual rescue. We need god to touch his finger on us and pull out the parts of our brains we all agree are bad and can smell putrefying, but we killed the hand of god and all that is left are his designs. The art on the walls were hung videos by Jon Rafman on lcd screens. I loved Jon Rafman’s 9 eyes. It felt like it was a skeptical version of technological optimism. It felt like we could see the beauty and tragedy of all humanity and he was showing us how to distill it in the brave new world of interconnectedness. The videos, like a lot of his new work, were basically memes. Riffing on memes, humorous ironic imagery, freak pathologies, disgusting failures of built environments. I know there is a lot of ugliness in humanity, but I can’t take much more of it. I need to find sublimity or I am going to scream.
There was a raffle and my girlfriend won and I went up to accept the award. I should have just let them auction it to someone else but I went up bc it felt like the right thing to do. It was a date with someone called Adam Faze who everyone else mocked us for not knowing. I felt humiliated and confused that my girlfriend wanted this date, but then she came from the bathroom and took the microphone and we had this confusing back and forth (with this girl who had previously introduced herself to me by her instagram handle) where Genevieve thought she was raffling off a date with her female friend and she entered bc it was her friend, and then the girl tried to get me to go on a date with her and we both felt stupid and humiliated. I dont know it was strange and embarrassing. Maybe we were being punished for our sin of gambling. It put another negative spin on the night and we went to the afterparty feeling bullied and a lot more annoying people were there. I sort of wanted to die at that point and I felt stupid in my sadness.
We hung out with some of the hippest dumbest people on the planet and I tried to explain myself to a few people and I believe I came off arrogent and also pathetic. I told my friend who said that he couldnt stop thinking about how horrible he was that I got rid of that internal loop after getting sober, but now have to read existentialism in order to figure out what I actually want. This woman neighbor who didnt really speak english came over and said ‘Existentialism, Nihilism! You must fight that, I tell my children this, but they don’t listen.’ She said some other stuff that didnt make sense but I’m sure shes right. She asked for help walking to the corner and I took her there and then left. I woke up at 3pm today.
Friday night non notable. I hung out with my sponsor and GF for a while cuz I wont see em for a few weeks. I really wanted to go to a movie theater but couldnt find anything playing. Actually lots of stuff was playing but I didnt figure it out in time. Plan IV started playing 10 minutes before I realized and I’ve been meaning to see it for years. Oh well. I was really exhausted and decided to watch Sick of Myself at home. Its fine I guess. It’s a little ‘phone bad’ despite not being about phones at all. I just think it has a surface level reading of the narcissism of our time, as though the problem is a pathological example for a few maladjusted people, rather than something in the water for those who accept the premises and incentives we are presented at face value.
I also realized something so obvious about How to Blow Up A Pipeline. I know I was sort of praising it to everyone with a bit of irony as a fun ecofascist thriller (which I stand by), but the really funny thing about it is, basing it on the call to arms of the book but making it a fun slick movie, its basically a politically nullifying spectacle. Nobody is blowing up a pipeline, it was made up for the movie. There are no ecological radicals (except for the milquetoast ones doing counterproductive protests). To create the metonymic release of the movie is to absolve the viewers of even the need for the deed for the aesthetic experience. Classic society of the spectacle stuff. I’m embarrassed I didnt think of it in those terms. I guess I’ve been paying attention to cinema on its own terms in order to figure out how to make it.
Anyway today was an annoying work day. Two weddings. Dont have much to say about it except everyone was yelling at each other. Staff was in a bad mood. I only sort of got yelled at a little luckily
well after feeling weird in Chelsea for a bit I went to meeting with high schoolers and it was fine but also I talked to my friend about being interregoted by the police on wednesday over being the last person who was with someone who overdosed on heroin and then I saw this other guy I know who told me he had just been attacked on the street by someone who wanted one of his beers. I felt a lot calmer. I went to a party for this girls new media venture and it was fine. I felt really nervous but I’m beginning to accept that I am actually fairly socially adept all things considered. Lots of people acting really strangely.
Depressed people on coke, bad jokes, mayhem. One girl kept inviting people to go to central park everytime I saw her. Not sure she ever left. I get really overwhelmed being in the breach when everyone is shouting and whatnot. Wish I could be fully in control of my autonomic nervous system and emotional responses and behave perfectly adeptly no matter the stimulus around me. Maybe its necessary to feel stimulated in order to catch the pathogenic frivolity in these carnivalesque atmospheres. Doesnt always work but it feels good when it does and I got a taste last night. I actually sort of networked decently and two people said they wanted me to help with film projects but who knows if that means anything.
I feel very tired today and its raining
I feel very stupid. I dont know exactly why. Before I left the house I felt anxious but now I feel run down and unintelligent. I know I’m feeling irrationally because I just was in a bookstore trying to find a cheap book and perusing the titles was exhausting and threatening. I felt dim and unlearned in the face of all the different authors and books. Of course I also felt unaccomplished. There are so many books and none of them are important. Its hard to fathom doing anything, but you have to do something.
I wanted a book because I accidentally got to this meeting an hour early so I have to kill time in Chelsea. I got the complete prose of Pushkin. I remember liking everything of his I read, unless I’m thinking of Gogol, who I may also like seperately.
I dont know why I feel decrepit today. I did everything right. I got up and immediately did yoga and went for a run, then I worked on a short story for an hour and a half, the I cleaned my bedroom, did some file management, and edited photos and then left for the meeting. I guess I just won’t always feel good. I keep telling myself that. I think I felt good on wednesday. I guess that was yesterday. Yesterday all I did was go to therapy and work. Why do I feel bad today? Ut’s good I’m going to the meeting. They tell me being useful gets me out of this useless mental trap. I invited new guy there, and guy I already knew. I’m trawling for sponsees so it behooves me to be a good representative of 12 step stuff. I now regret not buying James’ varieties of a religious experience. They had it on the shelf. I should just buy a used copy now. I think I like James and he would be good to understand for the reasons of AA
Woke up late after not really sleeping all night and had to go directly to therapy. Non eventful I suppose. We definitely discussed something but its eluding me currently. Afterwards I went to work. It was some kind of runway show. Not sure why they were doing it at the hotel but it was boring for me except that the upstairs bar had an emergency networking problem that I had to run up and troubleshoot and then fix.
Work ended earlier than I had expected so I went back and told myself I would be productive but wasn’t. I emailed some people back for the film. I need to stay on that more, I’m not doing a particularly good job of reaching out to people, and let an email sit for almost a week before responding. Need to retain focus and discipline.
Please stop touching my mixer, and if you must please tell me what you did and/or what the problem is. This is my job and it is not fun or glamerous so why do you want to do it? No I dont want the gain at 0 from the other mixer I want to be able to use the gain as a trim I wouldnt be clipping if you had just pushed it to a normal volume before plus I dont actually think its clipping much at all youre just seeing the redline but you arent listening. I also really do not want to put ur K12 at the end of the signal chain or from the mixer. Why would that even make sense? I certainly can’t ‘put the bass into it’. I have more than enough coverage, and noone is asking for it to be louder, but it could be much louder I left like a billion decibels of headroom. I also dont understand why I have to explain the aux send over and over because theres not really any reason that you need to know about it just rest well in the knowledge that the house PA is getting enough signal. How do you even get into a position where you own a k12 but dont get bus mixing. This is a very simple board. The only problems came from the very nervous coordinator so maybe try to calm her down or get her to double check things and stop changing her mind if shes so nervous. Why are you even here? Why are there two people in the DJ’s party. Do you not know how to use ur equipment? Does he not have his own equipment? Can I have your job? Would I get paid more?
anyway, all my love to the happy couple <3
After the Rhode Island trip I was really tired and slept in really late but then woke up and ran for like two hours. Feels good to be making progress in at least one area of my life. My physical conditioning is improving and I am noticing that movement is easier and I’m stronger generally without my back hurting as much. I want to add light upper body stuff and then I’ll have a good workout routine I can continue perpetually hopefully.
After that I went to my practice space and tried to make weird droney electronic and figure out how to use vocals musically but didnt make anything good, but hopefully its the start of some progress. I thought basically I was done with music for now but on the car ride back I was driving with my friend Evan and he played this new project from the DJ Dog Dick guy- its called Antimatterial world and it sounds good. It reminds me of muslimgauze and uses vocals in a way I think i could reproduce so I wanted to try something.
We also talked about dirty beaches for a little bit and then (to return to today) while I was a halfway thru my self allotted time at the practice space I got a text from my friend that the dirty beaches guy was performing at the bar next door to my house so it felt like I had to go. I left my stuff and went to the show and the first was a decent minimalist string trio, the second act was this dumb keyboard and buto-style movement thing, and the third act was the dirty beaches guy playing percussion with a pretty good horn player. They basically did mostly rote free jazz. Its funny how boring free jazz is now, because its very difficult to do anything new at all with the form (or lack of form so they say). He did do some really cool vocal/computer work and I wish he had stuck with that. Music sucks basically and it will never be good ever again as far as I can tell
feel weird. it feels weird to be on vacation, especially since I’ve been feeling like I barely have a role in society for so long, and I’m going to europe for so many days so soon. Nothing I should be complaining about but I feel like a loser a bit. Everything also feels like its moving incredibly quickly and I’m likely running out of time for something. At least I get that sensation frequently.
Yesterday we went to a ‘cute’ italian restauarant and then went to some Reiki healer’s warehouse and bought vintage clothes until 1AM. I’m really along for someone elses trip. Maybe I should have pushed for something more Arthurcoded to be included. Next time I will think ahead. I will also commit myself to research for European activities this week so I can make my voice heard. Starting to see that I have agency over my enviornment, or at least noticing ways in which my actions have consequences that conform roughly to my intensions when I make correct choices. This is a vague and dim sensation now, but aspiring to grow it until I control my life and destiny and this control is fully contained within my mind. Now I wait to be humbled and relinquish control again. Maybe its about dialing it in- ‘change what I can, accet what I can’t’ and now to grow wisdom to tell which is which. Anyway we’re going to go look at forts and then drive back to NYC and then wrking most of the week for money which I’ll need eventually
Time is moving fast. I’m very tired but I’m getting behind. I’m in Rhode Island. I went along on a trip with a bunch of people and were staying at Alyssa’s parents bed and breakfast. We had a nice day walking around providence and doing a bunch of nothing and tomorrow promises much of the same. I dont know what I need a vacation from as I realistically havent been working all that much, but its nice nonetheless. Theyre all out at a bar in newport so I’m going to take a long shower instead.
Maybe I’ll think about my life in there. Thpught I’d have more to add but im exhausted
Weird day, due to apocalyptic weather event mainly. I tried to go for a run this morning and couldnt make it more than about a mile before I had to stop running completely, my lungs feeling pained and strained. Its like I imbibed the poisonous fumes in a psychoactive amount, for the next several hours while walking around I felt as though I were coming up on some seretonetgic drug. Nausea, nervous excitement, odd headspace. I went to therapy and talked about finance a lot for some reason. I’m going to become rich playing the market. I got a subscription to wall street journal and if I don’t make my money back on the cost of the magazine by the time the introductory deal expires I will cancel it.
Now I’m at work waiting for a scandenavian AI finance firm to start the presentation they rented the hotel spaces for. Most people didnt show up apparently, assuredly because it looks like blade runner outside and it lightly hurts to breathe.
Everything feels fairly end times, over, final, but its most likely just beginning over and over, as it always has been.
Smoke day. Head hurts from all the smoke. I’m leaving downtown and everything looks amassed in an evil fog. Feels acolyptic. I remember this from recent summers in the west coast. Best get used to fire season I guess. I don’t feel optimistic for my life nor the worlds, though today was much better than the last two days. I pushed through the feeling of pointlessness in my little tasks and got a fair bit done. Its difficult, but it seems the trick will be to give myself a general schedule on days I’m not working and push through initial doubts. Once I find myself in the midst of a task I find it easier to stave off forlorness. Once I’ve finished a task I usually get a certain amount of satisfaction, however minor. Supposedly if I keep this up the world will continue to open up for me.
I know too that I have to also do service, or at least that keeps coming up in AA. I’m aware that my self-centerdness can be debilitating, but I feel a sort of humiliation when considering that somehow I need even more effort towards self-abnegation. Ideally I will acquire sponsees soon. I just dont know what I can do specifically to make that more of a reality. I’m going to meetings with teens and young people like a creep, hoping one of them will take a liking to me and I can get them alone and groom them into a sober and spiritually fit young adult.
Wasted another precious day of life I was freely given
Sort of a busy weekend I guess. I got caught up in stuff and then yesterday was sort of bad and I started feeling depressed so it became hard to write an entry. I don’t know if I’m up to getting into everything but yesterday I went to this weird wedding with a lot of people who make me feel kind of alienated and also some strange interpersonal stuff was going on that I wont get into. I brought my camera rig to the wedding in this huge backpack bc I thought having a video of the reception and ceremony would be helpful for them but everyone pointed it out and also there was no traditional ceremony so I couldnt use it and everyone kept asking me if I was there to shoot the wedding and it made me feel retarded. Today I havent done anything at all. Not sure what I’m doing with my life even more than usual. It doesn’t feel like things are moving forward and I think I’m just a spoiled idiot who just goes where he doesnt need to and expects to be included. I was hoping for time to work on a few things all week and today I had it but I was too stupid to do anything other than watch tv. It’s my friend’s birthday party tonight so I want to find a nice gift for her. I think I’ll go to the various nearby thrift stores because they have some peculiar stuff I’d imagine. Feel not good.
I caught up on sleep and then went for a run and cleaned my house and made a big meal. Whenever I have days like this, where I’m mainly just catching up on stuff at home, I feel really unproductive. I wanted to finish editing some more podcast stuff so I could send another invoice, and I also wanted to do some writing and I also wanted to edit some photos, but I didnt have time to get to that. Maybe just the fact that I’m at home makes me feel like I didnt do anything. I wish I could feel comfortable in the flow of life but I am unable to escape the sensation that life is slipping through my fingers.
I didnt get much progress done on anything this week, except for some filming of Hugh, which is definitely not nothing. I wish I had more concrete results and also concrete goals, because all progress in all departments feels nebulous right now. I know the answer is some combination of easing into trusting the long term process and effectuating the process intentionally better and better over time. This sensation eludes me a bit despite my best efforts. This morning I tried to write in order to trick myself into feeling more productive but I didnt get a ton done. Stalled on the first sentences, but have a full outline I think makes sense. Not sure what I’m hoping for. Headed to a short shift at work then meeting my sponsor, going to meeting. Should make plans for tonight to avoid feeling forlorn and wayaward as I often do on Fridays after the meeting.0
I remember being awoken by a noise and wished I couldve gotten back to sleep, but it was too late. I immediately felt nauseous and sleep deprived. maybe did some cleaning. Can’t really remember.
Afterwords I went to my therapist and I told him about my recurrent nightmares and also my experience with the potentially providential dream. Didnt really get any insight on clarivoyance or prophecy nor the divine, but we talked at length on dreams and psychoanalysis and in particular the meaning of my nightmare. I tried to distill a common theme from the limited number of subtypes. Frequently, actually almost invariably, I have dreams where I’ve relapsed or am pursuing relapsing and I feel a lot of shame. Usually it comes out to Genevieve that I’ve relapsed or else I’m with my ex and shes involved somehow or its with my mom or some kind of strange amalgamation of all of them. The other type of dream I have often is a kind of apocolyptic monster dream. This is new to me, and has always struck me as weird. It seems peculiar to have dreams about cultural iconic stuff like vampires, ghouls, or alien invasions, but I’ve had a lot of dreams like this recently. A lot of these dreams are often also relapse dreams, but these also involve a female figure in my life unwittingly leading us into danger and me realizing it but being unable to stop it.
In our conversation I offered that maybe the wish fulfillment that these dreams are reaching for is expressing desire. I have this problem where I find it hard to express desire and also emotions. I have a hard time articulating my desire to begin with (very lacanian feeling of a disembodied, floating desire) and feel that my desires and emotions must align with logical thoughts and rational explanations or they are invalid. I’m going to try and express emotions no matter how logical in order to try to reverse this tendency, and also express desires more in an effort to better articulate and act on them. Additionally I’m hoping this will be the first step to teasing apart my mimetic desires from the desires more true to my spirit.
The rest of the day I was shooting more video at Hugh’s house. It went ok. Not exactly according to plan but I got footage and I think I’m learning some stuff that will be useful for the future on how to do this kind of thing.
In direct opposition to doing absolutely nothing yesterday, I woke up at 6 and meditated, did yoga, and went for an hour long run. I still felt depressed and empty afterwards. Theres a special kind of emotional helplessness after I’ve tried all my tricks and I still dont feel any relief. Afterwards I went to band practice. It went better today and I also tried to sing more than usual. I’m very bad at it but noone else will. I need to surrender to it and then gain confidence.
Then I went to my friends house to help tune his sitar and I think I did a relatively decent job, though I accidentally broke a sympathetic string.
I went to the chinatown meeting after some house cleaning.
The other thing is that this morning I realized I had this concert tonight I bought tickets for. Originally I bought tickets because I had a dream Genevieve really insisted we go. The band is Pachenko or Pancheko(can never spell it right). Its this band discovered by some 4chan /mu user who found their demo CD in a thrift store. Theyve since become pretty popular (at least among a set of internet users) and are doing a worldwide tour. I didnt know they toured at all when the dream occured, so when I discovered the fact I bought tickets, reasoning that the dream might be prophetic.
Genevieve was busy tonight, and I didnt really want to go to the show at all. I put the tickets up for sale (I’m using the dice app and it includes that feature). I figured if the tickets sold I wouldnt go, and if thwy didnt I would go. I also asked everyone I talked to if I should attend if I could. They all said I shouldnt go if I didnt want to, except for my friend patrick, who told me I should absolutely go because it could be a request from God.
This felt like the reason I was even asking, so he confirmed my sense of duty to attend. One of the tickets sold and one didnt, so I walked the half hour to the venue and went in. It was filled totally with extremely dorky teenagers. Many had X’s on their hands. A lot of unfortunate jawlines, early balding, fedoras, and general dysgenic energy around. I felt ill at ease and foolish for being there.
It felt like everyone knew how much of an idiot I was and they were judging me. I felt like everyone could see that I was somehow less socially adapted than the morbidly obese autistic children that made up the crowd.
The crowd, for their part, was ecstatic. Very enthusiastic. It must feel very good to be this band. Early 40s, getting a huge tour and manic fan base from a dead band’s unmastered demo.
The music was very dissapointing. What I liked about their music was the sort of nostalgic intimacy of guitars and trip hop rhythm loops. The electronic elements were strongest in the album, and they sounded best when they veered closer to hip hop. The performance had a lot of new songs, which were lifeless and corny, and the full band played everything with this kind of anthemic shmalz, losing the crisp night breeze feel of the original recordings.
I dont know how to interpret this whole event. An athiest would say I just went to a concert because of a dream, and it wasnt that good. Nothing too surprising there. Maybe someone who believed in a God who intercedes would say being there somehow helped usher His plan into fruition, even if I cant see how.
When people imagine that they are part of God’s plan they imagine themselves cognizant of what they are supposed to do, and aware of the resolution of their task. Doesnt it make much more sense that someone, like me, would play a role too subtle to even seem to produce an effect, like going to a concert where mothing happens?
Maybe I’m to take a lesson from this, though I don’t know what. The thing that comes to mind is I want to stop playing music. It doesnt really make sense to me anymore. Maybe its because I’m getting older, but I feel alienated from it. It makes me sad to feel like I’ve my chance to make really effectice and true music, but I don’t feel whatever energetic pull I felt to it anymore really. I think that often and it always has passed before, however. Maybe the lesson is in how dead rock music is. How completely sucked dry guitar music is now. I cant personally imagine an interesting version of the form, so I’m not sure why I’m trying now.
God doesn’t owe me an answer in the final calculus, and even if I didnt go to a concert I learned about in a dream the relations would be the same. God doesnt speak human language. During the show I recited the lord’s prayer under my breath a lot. I want the feeling of imminence back, but I’m not owed it. Nonetheless it is my calling to seek it
Yesterday my gfs friend came in to town and stayed with us bc shes taking an intl flight, but I just was at work all day. It was this really annoying jewish wedding. I’m friends with my coworkers now which is good but it means I have to socially perform at work as well which makea it more exhausting. My two friends there are intense and also in the program, which is why they now are very open with me. Its fine but now I’m dealing with their emotions and life stories and such. I tried to be grateful about it and appreciate the fact of human connection but everyone around me is being extra insane. Before I got into work in fact this girl I knew from portland messaged me, at first about latin suffixes, but then quickly veered into this whole thing about how shes gotten back into smoking fentanyl.
During the wedding I was stationed next to this older woman who kept turning around and being like ‘I’m an audio engineer, and its a little muffled’ in this really semitic nasally voice. I read a lot of humor pieces the groom wrote for the new yorker and they depressed me. Totally lacking both in spirit and anything funny. That brings me today. Right now I feel sort of dissapointed in how I’m not participating in things. I ran out of internal resources, and Hugh cancelled our day of shooting, so I did absolutely nothing other than eat garbage and read severance and nap. Tomorrow I’ll be back to living real life I suppose.
Annoying day. I said goodbye to my brother in the morning and he went off to New Haven for a wedding, which is the reason he was in the east coast to begin with. I went to work and it was another boring wedding. They were taiwanese. I started to feel depressed because it was really lame. The weddings all blend together and most of them make me feel like people's important moments are derivitave and uneventful. Uninspired. I guess thats life.
After I went to my friend blake’s birthday and basically regret going. It was after midnight and everyone was pretty drunk. It wasnt a huge thing and I knew most people but everyone I knew was on their worst behavior in one way or another. We stopped our friend from going in as we were leaving to avoid a romance related conflict from occuring. I had to endure a lot of feelings and alcohol fueled nonsense and didnt get to sleep until after 4 am. I need to catch up on rest tonight.
I was really tired in the morning because I had been out really really late. My brother was still here and we hung out for a bit and then went to eat dinner at Joes, the cheap and good italian place near us. I went to my home group and then went to my friend’s reading on this guys fancy roof. I want to participate and attend readings because I’m become so literary but its very hard to concentrate on them. I think the readings were good but I couldnt focus so I cant even say that definitifely. They were all talking about this one guy I know about but have never met, so I felt left out even when I was talking to my new friend. Hoping to not care about the possibility of feeling left out anymore ever again.
After the readings genevieve showed up and we left before too long. We were vaguely planning to go home super early but our friend and neigjbor invited us over and had food so we went. It was nice to see him and it was much smaller and the people were weird in a totally different way than I usually see. I realized later one of them is my mutual on twitter. He was talking to us while this tiny really young looking girl with a big hickey was like wrapping her leg around him and generally being oddly physical with him and he was like trying to be provocative but didnt really succeed because I dont generally care too much about being provoked. Then I met a guy who is the brother of this very stern very serious very awkward guy I know from college but his brother was very warm and open so it was funny to see the difference. I think I’m going to see him at my friend’s birthday party tonight
Rare moment when I don’t really want to make an entry but I’m forcing myself to. My brother is in town. We dicked around my house and hung out while I did a tiny amount of work and then we went and got dinner and we took him to one of the trendy new york art loser parties we love so dearly and he got to see whose who in the city I guess. It was insanely crowded and people were on their worst behavior. The party was like every person you expect to see hanging around the abstract idea of the art scene and also a bunch of random crypto people.
This woman came up to my brother and asked him what he did and he said he was a software engineer. She asked him if he was in crypto and he said no and then she gave him a condom and walked away. Strange stuff. I felt bad because it was sort of cursed and I wanted to show him a fun time, but then later our friend who was helping host the party invited us all to her house and we hung out and people I like came by and we had a generally fun and exciting time until 4 in the morning. I guess I gave him a decent taste of NYC nightlife all told.
I want to get involved in something. I want to get cultural criticism published in some blog or something like that. I would like a bit of external validation soon. I want people to go ‘Oh wow Arthur you are so smart and cool and you should continue doing what you’re doing but more so.’
Therapy session where I blathered about my various problems and demanded a breakthrough and was told that it was up to me to have one. Oh well. Then I wandered around and bought a backpack from a thrift store near work and generally had a relaxing day until BOOM as soon as I walk into the hotel I’m swept up in a nightmarish event.
Its a much bigger production than I anticipated based on the audience size because theres two dj set ups and also a whole broadcast/recording component with two cameras and the attendant equipment. Its just an interview with some hip hop producer guy I’ve never heard of. Boom bap 90s stuff presumably. I’m looking at him right now. He’s old and hes wearing punk patches on a jacket. He wouldnt look old if he dressed differently. Maybe I’ll be like that guy when I’m his age, but not succesful.
Things got really insanely busy after I wrote that like 10 hours ago and now I feel very tired. It was just an annoying taping nothing else to add. A lot to do and no time to sit down. Theyre still at it but supposedly will be finishing in 12 minutes, tho they ignored their clock before. I’m very hungry and thats my main thought currently.
Woke up really early and finished Submission. It’s very funny and houllebecq is fun to get into. Its also funny that he focuses so much on polygamy, which frankly is just not that common in the muslim world today. I certainly think neither distributism nor polygamy would be enshrined in a french muslim regime, but it is very telling that houllebecq implicitly argues that these would be more or less positive. His move of contrasting his liberal democracy he hates with the Other ideology he orientalizes is a good structure, and its simply good to read, which is more than one can say about most books.
Then I had band practice. Our drummer couldnt make it because he hit a child while riding his bike, so Carl and I tried to work out some songs. I need to practice singing enough so that I can actually do it in the presence of others. I tried and it was terrible. I also dont think Carl and I are making progress improvising on instruments we cant particularly play. I should probably write a song with lyrics and practice it and then show it t the rest, but it feels like theres never any time ever.
Afterwards I couldnt do the podcasting editing I planned bc of a boring software thing so I waited around anxiously and eventually went to go to a meeting. I saw this guy I’m becoming friends with who is new to the program and we walked away at the end bc hes avoiding some other newcomer he used to do drugs with, which I think is sort of funny. Hes embroiled but unimplicated in a small controversy between goofy tiny lit maga I heard about later that day so I want to ask him next time I see him. Noting that so I remember.
Afterwards I went to get Georgian food with my academic friend who is going to go to mexico for field research for 2 years. Felt as out of sorts of more than yesterday. I feel bad I wasnt as present as would have liked for his big goodbye. I should send him some nice note or something.
After I posted yesterdays entry I had kind of an intense conversation with my girlfriend. Noone is doing anything wrong and we’re working through our personal mental problems, of which there a good number between us. I dont post about our relationship that much because she didnt choose to make a public diary, but this is not a situation I’m used to, where the female component of a relationship is being insane, or I am being a creepy junkie. Noone is at fault and we are growing together and its very scary. My biggest feeling is dissapointment, and guilt for feeling dissapointed. Maybe also embarrassment, I guess for feeling any way at all. It’s hard living in the middle, where I’m not sure of anything and life is about best intentions, compromise, trying to succeed over and over. Anyway its ultimately good whatever is happening but its bringing up pain I can’t articulate. I’m sad that I’m not exceptional, and because life ends up being a certain way, and isn’t just the infinite possibility. To do ones best means failing ambiguously, and having to accept that there is no true success, but remaining proud of trying.
In the midst of this my old friend and roommate from rehab facetimed me. It’s this guy Bean. His name is Adam but for some forgotten reason we nicknamed him Bean. The last time he called it was because the brother of our roommate who hung himself blew his brains out. I cringed in preperation for what news he had in store, but it turns out it was a mistake. He meant to facetime Amanda, the contact above me. He looked quite different than I remember. I wouldnt have recognized him aa someone I knew if he wasnt labelled on my phone as Bean. He had gained a lot of weight, which is surprisingly common for opiate addicts despite the popular image of the gaunt junkie.
He spoke with an opiated sedate and creaking monotone and asked me how I was. I told him I lived in New York, was in the program and had almost 3 years clean. I told him this before but he said he thought I would like new york, which I guess I do. He was in the middle of filling out surveys for 10 dollars an hour at home. He lived with his parents and the room he was in was completey barren and seemed to extend behind him into a void of reddish brown wood patina. Looked like a dim basement. We talked about being addicted to fentanyl and he said he could be doing worse which I sort of questioned and we both laughed. He told me he was now taking tranq, which I thought was an exaggerated moral panic I read about in the Atlantic or something but he’s on it. It’s some sort of dark purple powder admixture of fentanyl and a veterenarian sedative. The novel addition is xylasine, an adrenergic inhibitor. Based on my experience with α2 agonists I didn’t see how it would be more attractive than pure opiates, but imagined it would be more sedating. He said it got him higher than fent alone. It sounds like a progression from ‘cheese’, a mixture of diphenhydramine and powdered black tar, which I got offered once in dallas in between using bouts but declined.
I felt really jealous more than anything. Despite how wretched he looked and sounded I really wanted to be as fucked up as he seemed. I’m familiar with the comfortable sadness of polydrug oblitiration and it sounded much better than the embarrassment of emotions I couldn’t quite source I felt at the moment. I’m having trouble feeling unexceptional. I keep thinking I am beyond my ego, that I have realized I am just like everyone else, but something keeps showing me I have to relearn that I have a completely middle of the road life. I thought that I was sufficiently grateful for what I had but I think I still have feelings of uniqueness stored away in hiding, and when they come up they feel strange and bad. Its attractive to go the other direction, and be uniquely debauched. The state of being on hard drugs is singular and exceptional for as long as you can remain that way, and it makes you better than anyone in your decrepitude. You’ve figured out how to feel the touch of God while remaining sorry for yourself, which is possibly the most rewarding feeling in existince, until it goes away. At that time its replaced by shame and guilt and despair. I suppose that’s just the cycle of shame addicts talk about. Once again, I can’t lay claim to being exceptional or unique. I’m not going to get high, obviously. I wish I knew exactly what I was feeling, but in the final analysis feeling good is not really my goal. Maybe its correct and necessary that I feel bad sometimes, even if theres no conceivable lesson or reason. I might just have to feel dissapointed with the bare facts of Being. Nobody said it would be satisfactory. That wasn’t the deal, there was none.
I changed the font for this and its making it hard to write. Maybe I’ll change it back. It might be harder to read.
Yesterday I finally started this film project. I went to my friend’s house and interviewed him and shot some stuff where he was talking to his roommates and he talked about the stuff I wanted to talk about and I got almost three hours of footage to later pore through. I feel like I’m not sure if I’m doing anything right, and predict that nothing about this will feel quite right until I do it many many times with different iterations. I wish I felt more assured in this moment.
Today not much happened, so I’m rolling it into the same entry. Worked on freelance editing stuff, went for a run, cleaned the house. Need to seek more work and make some meetings scheduled or something. Feeling like my life is all about being ok with not getting what I want, whereas everyone around me seems to be spinning in circles sometimes getting what they want and always complaining about it. Maybe I’m deeply foolish or unable to commit to action, but I still want things and I want them now, but its been a very long time since its felt like I can invest in any desire. I have a feeling if this pattern ends it will not be soon, so I still need to develop my ability to be ok not getting what I want, unfortunately. Feel strange today so I’m just going to finish cleaning the house and finish my book and maybe play guitar.
It was pouring rain beginning in the morning. I thought I was going to a wedding, a really notable wedding for a number of reasons, including the fact that it was sort of a shotgun wedding following a post-pregnancy religious realization and return to the faith in central park. I guess thats why it was notable in full, but the story has a longer version with more details and narrative thrust I won’t get into. The point is that I thought I was going to a wedding but found out upon awakening we had misread the calligraphy on the invitation and it won’t be until early June. I thought I might go back to sleep but decided to go to this artist’s talk at a gallery run by people I like. My artsy friend was in town and I’m in the art scene and I was already geared up to go so we all went together. It was really Genevieve being invited but we tagged along.
The artist talk was infuriating. The art looked god-awful and as is always the case with something inherently repellent, hearing the apologetics for why its Actually Good Art only made me hate it more. I was told going in that this girl was supposedly a really smart scholar and Smart Artist who had a lot of Meaning and Academics behind her work. I do not agree. She interminably kept referencing offhand these popular or au courant intellectual topics. Stuff like ‘lacanian set’, ‘ex nihilo’, negative theology (some of these may have been said by the Spike magazine interviewer with weird teeth to be fair). She said something about the art being reminiscent of Hegel’s dialectic and it being about things ‘going around and around’ infinitely. I remember they were describing how ‘theology isn’t taken seriously because of computers’ which felt like a personal attack somehow. I know the wikipedia articles on these concepts are popular, theyre some fun ideas, but I didn’t get the sense that these were being thought about deeply. She had this notion that the works said something significant about semiotics. She highlighted in particular her painting which had scrawled on it ‘against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.’ She said she took this mysterious quote from a photograph she took in Japan, and thought it was interesting because she could never possibly understand what was happening in the quote.
After the question and answer I made the mistake of telling her that was a Schiller quote from Maid of Orleans and I tried to suggest Schiller has this interesting semiotic aspect to his work because he pioneered working in terms of tropes and this prefigured the way towards postmodernism and told her that I liked The Robbers because of this and I think it came across as mansplaining maybe and she didn’t seem particularly interested. I felt like an idiot, but it made me so upset that she didn’t even think to google it. Oh well. I just got very frustrated to see these ideas in place and then absolutely no effort to even say anything about them. Not to compare some silly downtown artist to a famous playwright and poet and philosopher but the reason Schiller’s exploration and instrumentalization of semiotic slippage is potent is (not only is it seen in more entertaining and pleasing media forms) that it isn’t simply pointing some phenomenon out. It isn’t just trying to reference the fact that there are tropes and that we have some extratextual notions we bring to bear in a work, but he was trying to make political points but playing with this fact. He was utilizing these things to do work in some way. The paintings didn’t even try to do anything. She kept saying ‘I was thinking of this, I was thinking of that,’ which very well may be true, but a painting while you were thinking of a concept doesnt do anything. Maybe that is the actual central problem, it is just that her concepts were not sufficiently illustrated. I can’t say that it would have made the whole thing more worth it if they were because I thought the paintings were ugly, but it would have made the pretentious lecture I endured a little less enervating.
Then we went to go see Bladee’s art show nearby because we thought it would be funny. To be honest I kind of liked his paintings. It was refreshing after the previous art we saw for sure. There was a definite honesty in his expression. I don’t always like the kind of messy naive style he was using but he seemed to also be doing good stuff with symmetry, and iconicity, and some good techniques with enamel. I like paintings that I like to look at, even if that makes me some idiot philistine. After that we hung out with the guy from the first gallery and I had a really good conversation with him. I sort of feel bad for hating the artist he was showing so much but so be it.
Oh Ps I want to note one annoying thing the girl said. ‘You’re never in a room by yourself as an artist… you’re in a room with history.’
Full day. My mind feels dried out and simple. I think that I can only describe the outer content of yesterday, even though yesterday and the night before I found a newly seen confidence and ease which lubricated all action. Maybe its bc I’ve been excercising again.
Yesterday I went for a run in the morning and then headed to manhattan to meet my friend who is going to mexico do to sociological research in mexico for several months. I was over an hour late to meet him so he was sort of rushed to get back to packing, but he’s too nice to be mad at me. We went through the natural history museum and he told me some stuff about anthropology and franz boaz and how the framing is changing. regular stuff. nice to go with someone who knows what theyre talking about. He left to finish packing and I hung out in the blue whale room and the earth sciences room because I found them calming. Then my friend Kevin whose in town suddenly called and I went to go eat with him.
I like Kevin a lot but hes kind of manic and intense so since he’s been here everything feels like its going fast. A lot of times I feel like everything is going quickly in New York which is something notorious about the city so I can’t say I’m surprised. I’m working with a sleep deficit a little as well.
Then I went to my homegroup, then immediately back to meet him at this opening where I knew a ton of people for some reason. Sceny. I wasnt prepared. It made me sort of sed conscious about how many art world people I know. Not that its a bad thing. One of the guys I knew was someone in a band I knew in college in 2015.
Theres a guy in the program who I see at these things and I’m trying to be super nice because he’s glommed on to me as a helpful person to know as someone with a fairly solid sobriety track record and someone who goes out to parties etc. The day I found this out I decided I wanted to become friends with him for personal reasons, but its quickly turned into a nice selfless thing I can do. I don’t think I’d be great at deciding to make someone my friend, but I feel duty bound to help someone early in recovery. Also I like the guy and want to talk to him more.
Not much else to add, but then we went to hang out with Kevin’s friends and I had a nice time and hung out with people at an irish bar. Nice to be with friends. Went home and was exhausted and slept.
Dicked around this morning and made farmers market toast with duck sausage and cheese. Need to get stuff from the farmers market again next week. I worked at the hotel. It was a ‘VVVIP’ event because the owner of the building and the owner of the hotel (diff people) were there. It was their charitable organization. Something about giving back to public schools. I implicitly dont like this guy because he’s rich, but also because I’ve heard he hangs out after his wife leaves events and does a bunch of coke and takes girls to a room in the hotel. Family money, etc. Its all tedious and boring and the way we all know it is. Not sure if the charity is moral laundering and money wasting, or money laundering and morally wasteful or if it does great work at a low cost. Whose to say? Anyway it was fine and then I went to friend’s party and we went to a bar, where I am now.
Oh, to backtrack- last night I saw my coworker at a meeting and talked to her more today. I also am at a party with this guy who is newly in the rooms, who I happened to already want to befriend because he’s in the stupid rich kid literature scene, which I think I also belong in (if you cant tell from this avant garde autofiction substack). He’s a nice guy and I hope he sticks to sobriety because it sounds like its good for him. Secret society all over the place these days.
I’ve come to like wednesdays because I generally am occupied the whole day. Maybe a lesson in that. I have therapy at around 1 so I usually just read all morning and then go to my manhattan therapists office, and then go work in the beautiful spacious art deco reading rooms of the Bryant park library branch. Additionally today my friend Hugh joined me. It’s a great place to study. I wanted to work on this podcast editing job thats been in the queue for a long time and I’ve been pushing off bc its no rush. I forgot to download it and the library throttles big downloads so I was forced to push it off till later again and just did some website work for all thats worth. I’m also trying to sign up for some class. Anything really, I just figure if I cant get enough work to feel satisfactorilly engaged I could try and learn something either professional or unrelated to any prior experience. There are some film classes around and some fair literature and philosophy courses I would love but I'm going to get back from Europe past when every school starts the Summer term so I’m going to wait until September most likely. I want to try to set this in stone so I dont forget and fuck off and have another thing I just didn’t complete. I’m headed to a new AA meeting. I’m also mildly throwing myself back into finding someone to sponsor. Both of these pursuits are efforts to try to find meaning in my life, which my therapist keeps droning on and on about. I’ve started Houllebecqs Submission and its setting up an opposition between the vacuousness of liberal secularism and the set of moral and existential values given to adherants of Islam from on high. I can tell I’m getting interested specifically in how individual psychology is expressed through these recieved systems. Thats what this goofy movie I’m trying to make is motivated by. In turn of course my desperate existential angst is hidden behind my artistic endeavors of various ironic detachments protecting how precious the search for meaning is for me. Something to consider.
Kind of feel like garbage. Barely did anything today. Wanted to do more of this podcast editing thing but didn’t. I cleaned a little and went for a run where I saw my old coworker from the print shop. I have very little I’m thinking about and nothing happened so I’m not sure if I can write anymore. Not really getting depressed but I feel like I’m in a fog. I’m not able to commit to any projects because I can’t hammer out specific times for the movie. Tomorrow I’ll try to go in to the library in order to get some work done on editing and my stupid website. Maybe therapy will fix me. Maybe something else magical will happen. Hoping to hold fast to God but I feel nothing. I’m down lower than the Earth deep in my own small mind. Would like to crawl out.
Got very behind on the diary so I’m wrapping up the weekend in on. My girlfriend had a panel on Saturday but I had to work which was dissapointing. Instead it was just an exhausting night. I woke up at 11 the next day and immediately had to go to AA meeting I have been trying to go to. Spring is fully here- the weather is nice. I had a lot of energy but its dissapeared again, and now my mood doesnt match the seasons. I’m getting ahead of myself.
After the meeting I went to my friend Sunil’s house to play magic the gathering. I guess he’s starting a bank in South Dekota and the other guy we play with had to leave for a flight to london to cover a telecom conference for some newspaper. Funny gaming crew weve developed. Right before we were done Sunil’s landlord came and started yelling at him for reasons I still don’t understand. I remember Sunil asking him ‘have you been drinking?’ but never got to find out what the conflict was because Sunil wanted to wait until he left, which didnt happen. I went to my friend’s house to eat pizza with his mom. He’s graduating from law school. Hes my main character in the weird documentary I’m making so I filmed it a little. I was planning on going with him and his mom to the rockaways today but it was cancelled.
I woke up extremely late for some reason and have felt groggy and strange today. I need to do some podcast editing so I have more money but I got nothing done except for making a list of like 5 groceries I didnt even end up going to buy. My friend Jackie invited me to this AA meeting weve never been to bc we both want to acquire sponsees. Headed there now, hoping it will fix me.
I’m in the J street canal next to a girl with pink hair and over ear headphones and in all pink with big tall white sparkly boots filming a tiktok. I’m trying not to look over anymore because I did when she started moving around and I was perplexed and she gave me a rictus of embarrassment. Don’t really know how someone pushes past that self consciousness.
I just got done being at a screening my friend invited me too- were both trying to get into the film scene for different reasons. She was invited by her friend. Now the tiktok content creator is trying on different outfits.
The screenint was three shorts put on by thig guy I had heard of before, I guess hes some rich weirdo who is some sort of nyc film tastemaker. He spoke way too much and had nothing good to say. Stuff about how film needs to return to a collective experience and he wants people to discuss it with each other or something. I wish people would discuss films less, most people have really annoying opinions.
The first short was a promotional thing by the guy who made this movie called Sick of Myself, which I’ve been wanting to see, but hasnt had a wide home distribution yet. It was a creative meta teaser thing mocking annoying auters discussing their stuff basically. Not annoying, not mindblowing. The annoying auter then went on and went on at length about how this is how ‘assets’ should be and how much better it was than social media clickbait something. This is when I really got a bad feeling I couldnt place. The second film, by the friends of my friends, was fine. It frustrated me because it was bleak and about a gay alcoholic father and his son for no good reason. Evil view of humanity from on high. No sympathy for human striving and the fundament we all struggle against. It looked dark and felt dark. I didnt relate, (even as an alcoholic) I didnt connect, but it wasnt as infuriating as the drivel the notable host had made. He told us a lot about it that isnt worth remembering but it was basically a deconstruction of masculinity from a congenital rich fuckboy. Somehow these guy’s reflexive anti rape softboy love films are more penetrative and enervating than the horny jock theyre so terrefied they are. Just gross and cloying and obvious and pretentious. Way too long. Lots of moves that didnt connect. Very annoying experience. At the end (when it was mercifully finally over) he went up to the front and asked the crowd- ‘did this make you feel anything?’ Silence. Someone eventually said ‘Yes’. Then he started explaining what he was trying to do. It was obvious what he was trying to do but what wasn’t obvious was how stupidly he thought about his own work. He reduced even the material that couldve been seen as an attempt at something interesting if you squinted to moral pablum and bromides. Anyway I hate this guy and I’m going to ruin him. It all makes me feel more secure as an aspiring filmmaker. I’m not trying to make that stuff at least. Its kind of more clarifying to see bad movies of this type than good ones. Its good to know pitfalls and the type of emotional manipulations that I want to avoid. Its good to have reasons for choices you make. Thats a throughline I’ve noticed about these terrible microbudget things. Actually not microbudget- i dont know about their budgets but it looked fine. God I hope I can make something decent. Hopefully the real work begins on monday.
Catching up to a regular pace of life (and regular diary entry prace and breadth). Last night went to two art things- Indy art fair, which was lame but I saw some people I liked, and my sponsor’s thesis show from Hunter, which was fine and I saw some people I liked. One girl I know from the program remarked that I ‘live a very full life.’ I certainly am trying. Going to see them now at home group as it so happens. We went to a non notable art party afterwords and I hung out on a roof. I dont even know if theres anything to add, my mind hasnt totally caught up to my wishes to be fully free of illness. I took an antihistamine by mistake as well so I may be cognitively dulled a bit. The one thing is that everyone is excited about Genevieve’s pannel and i feel I can’t take off anymore work so I have to miss it. Shouldve marked it down as a day I couldnt work but theres too many various reasons to do so.
I just bought tissues off a homeless guy with a russian accent.
Being sick is like a mild near death experience, you become aware of time and time wasted and how dependent you are on your body’s basic functions you cant help but take for granted. Once I regain my normal health I feel a renewed vigor for life and engagement and seeking purpose. I need to get to a place where I don’t mind being sick, I take it as a break or else as a minor and temporary frustration of my specific goals, which is what it is. If I am prepared to be sick I can get prepared to die. Unless I die in a sudden way, which I can’t prepare for anyway, I need to be ready for a sickness that gets worse and worse, and never better. I need to do some more things with a feeling of permanence, but also return to sensations of spiritual truth and the ineffible immortal and so on. Glad I can get back to working on the movie
Starting maybe finally to feel slightly better. Have been incredibly sick and unable basically to do anything besides watch bad tv and play a video game I hate. Today finally I feel like myself with a lot of phlegm in my lungs and depressed rather than in a distinct neurological state involving depression and also having phlegm in my lungs. I’ve been testing negative for covid but it feels remarkably similar. I have to believe this will end soon, as my mood is plummeting. I feel like all my efforts are in vain and hopeless, especially because I don’t have the energy to make any efforts towards anything. Things feel very frustrating right now but I’m endeavoring to ignore all negative thoughts because they’re inevitable. hoping today is the beginning of the renewal of my body and immunological profile. Was supposed to do some stuff tonight- in fact there were things throughout the week I was supposed to do, but I feel possibly well enough to do something tonight, but not sure that I should. Still am definitely not 100% healthy. maybe if I eat a lot of soup right now I will be fixed, but hard to say for sure. I guess the summer is usually marked by a preponderance of respiratory infections, but its frustruating I got 3 in quick succession. I hope to be much healthier in short order for the rest of the time, because my life is otherwise slipping by me.
Still sick. Feel like I’m dying. Now I’m at work listening to a presentation on insurance. Cant wait to be back in bed. Supposedly its not covid but feels very similar
Feel like death. I’m very very late (the most late I have yet been) to updating the diary because, starting on the 5th, I began feeling incredibly ill. During the event I was working that night I became increasingly fatigued a my cough worsened. I called out the next day, asking a coworker to fill in for me. Its somewhat difficult to call out of this job as there are only a certain number of people who can fill my role. Nonetheless somebody was available and I slept for most of the last 24 hours. In and out of consciousness, I couldn’t even focus on reading or watching movies. Somewhat feverish. I thought it might be Covid again but my tests are negative and its already subsiding somewhat, as opposed to the week of heavy symptoms with Covid. Nonetheless I feel exhausted and have given up on being productive at all, even though I was hoping to begin shooting today. Life can be very tiresome when your sick, and I’m in a rush to move forward, so it is dissapointing— theres just no way around how ill I am. I’m really hoping to be better at the very least by wednesday.
Long work day, 12 hour shift for this B2B CRM Customer Experience Data Analytics company’s little conference thing. No real idea what that means. I havent gotten over four hours sleep in a couple days so I feel quite tired. Already excited to go to sleep. I’m going to a James Ferraro thing at the Ukranian National Home restaurant. My coworker said he had played with one of the bands, I’ve been meaning to come to this restaurant, I want face time for my developing friendship with Mr Ferraro- its worth my effort even though I’m sickly and exhausted and need sleep soon-
Well I had to interrupt to talk to James who just showed up so thats nice. He said theres an after party at this new music venture office and I fear I must go or I will regret it. Anyway, today was also exhausting in large part bc I forgot to bring —
got sidetracked because my friend Lyle showed up and we ate at peroigies at the Ukranian restaurant. The show was inside some double doors behind the actual eating establishment- some kind of small events hall. The show was fun, it was exactly what I wanted, namely relaxed and restorative. It made me want to make music, which is always a good sign of a good musical performance.
What I was going to say before was that I forgot to bring my book to work, which meant that I was mostly on my phone for the whole 12 hours. I tried some to just watch the presentation, but it made me dizzy to hear so much meaningless and boring jargon about a useless segment of the economy- finding the self-reliant b2b martech consumer, taking action on transmedia storytelling for building brand relationships- etc. I also tried to read this book of Ashberry poems i found in the break room, but in my head the language would mingle with the marketinf/tech speak into an unholy chimera dna it made my head swim. So I mainly just looked on Twitter and it made me upset. I’m usually succesful with keeping the horrible flavor of the day political thing out of my head, but there was an abundance of horrible things to read about the vagrant who was killed. I saw a lot of people I vaguely know spit vitriol about how each and every One Of Them needs to be murdered. Not much better to see the sanctimonious replies. Its all made the worse because noone posting on twitter will or could possibly do anything about this one way or the other. The best they could all do is vote for their favorite DA, frankly. Maybe to give more or less money to the police. It’s depressing.
Now its almost 18 hours later and I still havent finished this entry. I got home and slept for over 12 hours. I guess I needed it. Last night felt enriching and restorative. I ran into some people I vaguely knew and they said that someone else spoke highly of me so I made a good number of new friends. I did few embarrasing things and I left at a normal time after making a reasonable impression. Its good to feel in the boys club, and it feels good to be liked, as well as learning about other people. Genevieve is very good at going out and making friends and it makes me feel insecure sometimes, so its good to see that I have the same ability and am also liked, I just do it in the male idiom rather than as a cute downtown girl- which has its own customs and pace which simply wouldnt work for me anyway.
I only woke up in time to get up and shower and go to the train for this meeting. I’m working the rest of the weekend, which is not very exciting but I will be making a good amount of money this week, which I’ll need
Last night the forever magazine party. Surprisingly fun, I talked to a surprising number of people. Several people were heartening about my absurd plan to make this movie, including Alyssa who said she would help. I was worried she was purposefully not responding to me but she asked with no prodding to be executive producer. I saw an indie sleaze revival act I don’t hate which was interesting- Shallow Halo. Maybe a little too horny for my taste but they actually played music that sounds good to listen to. I need to work on my voice control more and also practice songwriting. Thats low priority but I like doing it. In the meantime its writing, and video shooting, and editing both. And making the film.
I woke up late and very tired after being out until 3. Went to therapy and then went to IFC center to see De Humani Corporus Fabrica. Its a film by the guy who made Leviathan, and its in a similar vein. Its all shot in various hospitals across france. It utilizes a lot of surgical camera footage, which is definitely the most memorable aspect. It takes a long time to gather context while seeing thru a proboscus camera in someones brain or bladder or colon. It was presented very drily, and to see modern surgery depicted accurately is to see something akin to a genius scifi-horror movie. Over the footage was the mundane dialogue of the doctors and surgeons- bickering, complaining, joking around- normal coworker talk. Effective movie definitely. There was also some footage of mental patients I was surprised he got and surprised to see wasnt too gratuitous or invasive. A little disturbing nonetheless. Speaking of which I went to a meeting nearby after and this insane man came in out of rhe street and sat next to me and stared at me the whole time. He may have had a weird dyskenesia where he continously flexed and rested his legs very slowly. It happens a lot that deranged or confused people come into meetings off the street and sit and listen- especially in manhattan and especially when they have open doors. Very excited to sleep. Anpther 6AM shift tomorrow morning
I woke up at 5 to get to work for my 6AM shift so I am pretty tired. I don’t dislike the early shifts, as it means I get to make money and be out before the sun sets, or in today’s case, before noon. Now I don’t have to feel bad about the day even if I fuck off for the rest of it. This morning was a brooklyn chamber of commerce breakfast, which was sort of strange. I thought it would be either evil or strange but it was as always pretty boring. It was really just a presentation by the Deputy Mayor for initiatives the mayor is doing in Brooklyn that impact development, infrastructure, business. Chamber of congress territory. Long term construction on the BQE and several ports opening up for 2027, Rat Czar, new garbage initiatives for compartmentalization, combatting long standing scaffolding. The sustainable energy initiatives were all bone headed that was the only thing that stood out. They’re requiring transport-for-hire with trips in excess of 10,000/day [lyft and uber] to be emission neutral, but of course drivers aren’t going to be able to afford to go electric. I guess it will either be more leasing of cars to drivers by the rideshare apps or its a play that assumes automated cars are coming much much faster to NY than I anticipated. Actually I might look into this more because it notably resounds to making an unprofitable company potentially profitable under the guise of a punishment. Interesting….
Then I met up with carl and we played guitar for a few hours and ate tacos. Now I’m home. Forever Mag party tonight. I want to ask some people about publishing, writing, working, participating. That girl I saw at the Caveh Zahedi reading is published in da zine and she has just recently started showing her work to people. Why shouldnt I do it too? Wish I was 7 years younger and also wish my back didn’t hurt and also wish I knew twice the number of things I do now and on to infinity.
Terrible day. Firstly my old Polish landlord knows about my step-cat [genevieves cat] now and is texting me ‘When will you get rid of your cat?’ So I may not be able to stay at my beautiful month-to-month apartment much longer. Sexondly, and more impactfully, my mom called me around noon and told me my cousin died of a fentanyl overdose. I don’t know what their drug use was like but I remember they got really into adderall young and had to stop everything completely for a good long time. They turned trans at a certain point and I also don’t think they were ever happy. Probably pretty mentally ill. Havent talked to them longer than a few minutes in a good long time. They took me to a punk show when I was like 13 because we both listened to like operation ivy or something. They were living on a farm in Oregon when they died. Don’t know the rest. Sad life in other ways and in ways I can’t exacty specify or know completely.
I have survivor’s guilt I guess. Whats the function of an entire life? What should one take away from the fact of mortality? More specifically what should I take from the fact of my mortality and what should I do about it in the present? That’s sort of what I’ve been thinking about anyway but it feels heightened seeing the completion of someone’s life.
Heavy stuff. Deep thinking and introspection. Not my favorite mental mode. The rest of the day I just kind of lay about in a dimly sad daze and played guitar lying on the ground. I made Genevieve stay home and not go to a Met Gala party because I was depressed and also I had to go to sleep as soon as possible to get up for my stupid 6AM shift.
My mind is deadened from being on the train. Will write more tomorrow. Want to note my Aunt and Uncle, who I had lunch with, but cannot stomach the idea of spending time thinking right now. Exhausted, tired, etc.
Basically a museum day and then dinner with both families. The notable thing from the morning was I had a conversation with Genevieve’s dad about the notable people as well as the anonymous twitter haters who have been publicly railing against him and his ways (sometimes against his Judaism in the latter case). Particularly one policy he has been called the chief architect of comes up a lot. Something about mandating the phasing out of coal and natural gas and the like. Seems to be very pro nuclear but without the capacity for building it in place so it amounts to other newer types of renewables but I don’t know the details. Anyway its been sort of his albatross I guess. One funny thing was him talking about how his friend whose on the board of some school with a big endowment, and how some students are protesting so they divest from Big Oil and whatnot, and this friend is having trouble with the accusations that their destroying the future and so forth. Joe told his friend that it just becomes like rain, and he feels responsible for their behavior because in some sense theyre members of his coalition, and that the politics of campuses don’t matter so they shouldnt be taken seriously. He brought up something similar when we went into a museum and were searched for soup cans and superglue so we didn’t protest climate change through a physical intervention of one of the big famous paintings. He thinks, unsurprisingly, that the clean energy kids are ridiculous and embarrassing. I should tell him about How to Blow Up A Pipe Bomb actually. I’ll do that tomorrow.
Between museums and dinner we walked to go get Genevieve’s phone fixed, and she took me to a spot she used to hang out at in high school. It was a bridge overlooking a park, a very classic spot for a highschooler to loiter. We were sitting nearby and this woman climbed over the bridge onto the sidewalk next to us. She was wearing athleisure wear and nice running sneakers- a puffy light vest that looked like it was from REI. She had blood all over her hands and her torso was lilting to the left in this absurd and disfigured way. She was falling over repeatedly. We kept asking her if she was ok and she told us ‘no’ with a disturbed look in her eyes. She told another pedestrian who came to her aid that she was fine, she was fine, she was fine, she just needed to get home right around the corner. She couldn’t make it more than a few steps without falling over and refused our help to take her to her house. Eventually a policewoman came up to her and said something like ‘Will you now accept help? Have you realized you need help?’ I guess the woman didn’t want to be taken to a hospital or mental institution but I think the police officer convinced her to sit on the curb near us and that was the last I knew what happened. Strange experience
Dinner with the two families uneventful. Everyone gets along, possibly too well. Slightly disturbing. Genevieve’s family is wacky and mine is staid. It’s all fine. I’m waiting to become myself and worried I’m becoming another person. Not sure if this makes sense, so not going to put too much stock in this anxiety. I see things float by and see where I fit in and I don’t even know if things are not working but I worry about them constantly. Its strange to be embedded in a family which sits in a moment of history which is contained by social realities which are in turn mediated by the combination of desire and physical limitations. On to the next day.
On the train to DC. Semi-obligitary visit with mine and Genevieve’s parents and also my sister. Ready to get off the train. Slightly bad headache. Not sure how to kill the final hour. Read a good portion of Hunger- hes becomint increasingly insane in Beckett style. It seems to be billed as the precursor to Kafka, and it does have some of the funny use of institutions and the interior neurotics interacting with them. The feverish pace of thought laid bare against high modernist planning principles. Great book honestly so far. Illustrative passage that stuck oht to me
The tiny hole in the wall by my bed bothered me a great deal— a nail hole I found, a gouge in the wall. I felt of it, blew into it to try to guess its depth. It wasn’t just an innocent hooe, that was very clear— it was obviously a complicated and secretive hole that I had to be careful of
I also read what my father has so far in his novel. Since he retired from software engineering 2 years ago hes been writing off and on this historical novel about my great grandfather. He was a fairly notable individual. He made the machine that puts the odor into natural gas. Its not abysmal and his life’s underlying story is actually pretty compelling, but for some reason he’s devoting a lot of time to my great grandfather’s parents (my great great grandparents), and he hasnt made it seem incredibly necessary yet. I think I’ll just tell him to add more in media res of the principal character and do more drawing of the parallels out between their stories sooner.
Still feeling strange, but my meloncholy transfigured itself somehow on its own inertia into what I think is a healthier mental space. All day I’ve been unable to suppress this sort of amusement at life’s mediocraty. I think theres a strong chance the rest of my life might be sort of bad and very stupid, and why shouldnt it? I’m not exactly unhappy, and I’m certainly not exceptional, so why should I complain about my life? Do I really need the best of the best? I certainly dont deserve it. One adjusts to circumstance anyhow, so it barely even matters if a good thing or a bad thing happens. Your neurons find a kind of mid level range to be firing at no matter what.
I’m reading this book Hunger. It really prefigures Kafka and also Beckett. It has the quality of Beckett where the protoganist draws you in to his schizo world subtly before leading you down a forking garden path of experience. Its from before 1900 which is exceptionalz. I think the author became a fascist.
Anyway, appropriately enough for my meditation on the mediocraty of the average life, I’m working a ghastly wedding. I mean that in the strict sense- it feels haunted. French people are wandering about, seeming to have a terrible time, drinking a lot with no life. I wish I could effectively capture the uncanny feeling of wedding toasts given with seemingly no feeling to them. At first I thought it only a symptom of the groom’s father, afflicted by an advanced case of Francosis, but each speech giver in turn seemed more and more stupified. After each the throng of attendees looked to the bride and groom, who silently raised their glasses of champagne, and drank compulsorily. It made me feel as though the wedding party was all coerced into the union, like hostages in a sick mock matrimonial display.
I’m currently listening to the bizarre conversation between the photographer, videographer, and planner, who also may as well be animated corpses.
The masses are so suppressed by propoganda and … its part of the system… and rich white men… whose gonna start a revolution? Where would they even go? Most countries… Never change… Oldest one on the planet… The constitution… Revolution in the constitution… Fresh flowing water
It’s
Feeling in the midst of a malaise. The weekend felt like a seretonergic come up, now I feel mysteriously adrift and unfocused. I feel daunted by the fog of the future and the interminable tasks of being a creature who has to create its own meaning. I decided this time would be for going full speed ahead on making this weird film project but it turns out I can’t do that all that much until certain pieces fall into place. I did a lot of shopping for audio equipment yesterday, and I got myself fully mic’d and equipped for only around 200$. Today I want to make an organizational sheet. I’m all the way at the bryant park library, which I usually love, but I forgot my charger and the internet is being really slow here. Plus I’m still sick. I wanted to stay here until this meeting tonight on the way home, but I’m going to have to go home anyway and I worry I won’t have the motivation to get myself out of bed again. Hard to say for sure. I guess I can’t be too upset. I felt a little lost and confused already on what to do today, so maybe having to kill an hour on the train is half-beneficial.
My head is sort of swimming in a fishbowl feeling, but only lightly. No fun being sick. I’m sure I’ve spread it to a few people. I’ve been a bit wonton. Maybe its just allergies. I’ve never had them so I don’t know exactly what they feel like.
Nothing else to say. Mind is a bit empty currently. Not completely unpleasant. My mantra today is that I am totally ok with having a bad life if that is what my destiny ends up being.
I’m sort of feeling out of bounds of the daily part of the daily diary, so I want to do my best to get closer to one entry per day. I woke up really early and am intending to rest as much as possible today to cut out the worst of this illness before it begins. I’ve already taken over 100 milligrams of zinc and quite a bit of ibuprofen. I’ve been reading my friend’s manuscript. Friend from my homegroup meeting. My home group is sort of funny, it’s a meditation meeting filled with a group of us around 30, a couple people in their early 20s, and then a good contingency of those who are maybe 40-60. Everyone older has a weird austere atheist-buddhist orientation, and everyone in the younger demographics has an athiest-psychoanalytic orientation (besides me, perhaps), or else is just sort of vaguely atheistic. It’s a good meeting either way, and its good to be forced to meditate every friday.
The guy who gave me the manuscript, Ian, works in publishing and its very obvious he would rather be dealing with pure literature than any non-fiction/textbooks/whatever other boring stuff ends up being the bread and butter of publishing houses. He’s working at a bad time, and I’m more or less grateful I didn’t go the way of a book obsessed person, which I’m always teetering on the edge of to begin with. Maybe its more sour grapes on my part but I don’t know how I’d feel if I made getting people to read words my calling in any capacity. I realize theres some sort of irony contained in that sentence being written into this substack.
I was quite worried the manuscript was going to be abhorrent, but luckily its pleasant enough to read. I can’t tell if its the greatest novel ever penned but it isn’t terrible at the very least. It has two main characters who are in Mexico escaping problems with their life in america and their in a kind of sloppy alcoholic love triangle with a bourgois political radical who seems to be gearing up for a terrorist attack. I’m sort of becoming artistically obsessed with how psychology is expressed through political action, even as (or probably because) people seem to assume their politics is somehow objective. Thats what Leigh expressed to me about the film idea, and its what a lot of my half baked writing ideas I haven’t finished are about.
At the show on Friday I remember my friends were getting into an argument about the Grundrisse and also one of my friends told a long story about meeting an apostate muslim on the deck of a party yacht he was invited on because of a Dutch heiress. The story popped into my head and I had to think whether I dreamed it or not. I am certain it was really told, but I can’t trust my memory of the details.
Behind on entries again. Been that way a lot recently. Last night was just working a gay wedding at the hotel. I woke up late and went straight there and was there until the night. They met in musical theater school. Gay 101 stuff. Its not terrible talking to my coworkers but most people everywhere are just absolute morons. I’m not so good at communicating, they all think I’m weird and maybe stupid so whatever.
Today I also woke up late, too late to go to the meeting I wanted to. I was gonna go to meeting, my friends apartment he’s running a gallery out of, and then a film screening my friend is in town for (showing something). I woke up too late to go to the meeting and my friend said he had already left the screening within a half an hour of it starting. I didn’t think it looked that great, just was a good excuse to do something and see this guy I know. Gen and I went to my friend Myle’s gallery apartment anyway because we thought this person who catsitted while in we were in mexico could return our keys. He did give us keys, but they were the wrong ones, though we didn’t know that until we got back and were locked out.
We went to a ramen place and ate. I’m feeling very sick now, which started right after the show friday. Ramen helped but I’m exhausted and my muscles ache. My nose is running. I haven’t had much to say in the diary I’ve noticed. I took a bath today and realized how often I just am not here, subjectively or phenomenologically. Meditation helps, drugs really really helped. Today we passed by clandestino and used their bathroom and I spent a good amount of time watching the people sitting outside. I also remember seeing all of the people sitting in Tompkins park. The Summer is beginning to announce itself, and people seem to be responding by starting new narratives. Maybe I’m just seeing more open recreation, and not hidden striving or whatever goes on beyond the locked areas of my life like stranger’s apartment doors. It’s weird theres so many people and we’re all embedded in history. Society is genuinely very strange no matter how you look at it.
Need to make progress on this movie. Feel kind of let down by the show. Want to make more good music in the future but have to be kind of smart about it. In the meantime I need to figure out the right audio equipment, but I keep forgetting to get Leigh’s contact info (the guy I talked to for advice). I should also call Dolan.
Strange day. Gig day. spent the morning getting stuff ready for the show. I’m doing a slightly absurd thing where I get myself booked to DJ and then bring two samplers to plug into the 2 extra channels and load up loops onto usb drives to use for the cdj channels. Most of the music I played I made in the last two weeks, or really in the last week. The gig was my friend’s weekly party shes been throwing. Once I was done preparing the mp3s I went to my weekly meeting w my sponsor and regular meditation meeting. Very difficult to meditate, I had a lot of energy in my body and my mind was racing. I’m always very apprehensive before any performance no matter how low key and inconsequential it may be(and ultimately theyre all fairly inconsequential).
Afterwards I went to the party and set up and it started to get really weird and dumb almost immediately. There was miscommunication about when I was to go on, how long I was going to perform. I went on slightly too early and didnt play for as long as I had thought I would. Also a lot less people showed up than normal and in large part it was because there was no door person. I guess the sponsor who hired the girl I know pulled out and didnt tell anyone. People involved in nightlife are insanely unprofessional, but I guess I can’t say thats that surprising. People were nice and my set was ok and I recorded it with the help of my friend. People were acting strange and something seemed wrong, like all of us were in the first phase of a lycanthropic transformation.
I need to play shows in places that arent lowest common denominator parties for the dregs of the new york art world like yours truly. I am happy to take what I can get but should probably do somethibg smart about it if I want to play more music in the future. In the meantime I’m going to focus on this film thing I want to make to the exclusion of all other potential pursuits.
Had a really hard time sleeping last night, maybe only got two hours. Woke up at 6 after sort of falling asleep at 4:30 and then was in and out until I arose in the morning. Early lycanthropy maybe. Mars is in retrgrade, maybe this will make me a believer
420 the weed day. Wow. Feel very fried from working on music from right when I woke up until now, but I think I’m in an ok place for my set tomorrow. There was really no good reason for me to make so much new material, and there was no particularly compelling reason for me to have to play live, but I think it’s good that I did. After this I can put new music back on the shelf, except maybe to do some recording. I’m going to play this set, and then next week spend my whole time working towards completing this film.
I feel stressed because I’ve been pressing myself all day, but there isn’t any real problem. If I somehow fail completely at this show it doesnt even really matter. I’m also just bringing IDM to the new york art cool kids which is an absurd endeavor in and of itself.
I have a bad headache from tension and staring at my sampler all day. I need to pray more. I don’t know how to feel. Small problems seem larger than they are in reality. I’m bothered by next weekend, when I have to go to DC to see my parents. I need to get work covered and its stressing me out, and I also have to miss a show I’ve been wanting to go to for months. Ultimately I’m sure it will all be ok but its upsetting me presently. I need to relax.
Yesterday I had band practice first. Our band still really stinks, but we’re working on it. Its difficult to have most of the members almost entirely dont know how to play their instruments. Maybe I shouldve chosen something I was actually skilled at. The rest of the day I tried to get some stuff ready for a show I’m playing Friday. I don’t have time to figure out the stuff I wanted to in time but it’s ultimately fine and I’m not stressed about it. Maybe I’ll use my synth which I was trying to avoid. Not sure if an all sampler set is in the cards at this short notice.
Then I met with this filmmaker guy who Genevieve knows from Yale whose kind of a mentor of here. I wanted advice on this movie I want to make. It was gratifying that he took my idea seriously. He really took to the psychological aspects of it that I had neglected, but I trust his instincts on this way more than mine. It gave me less clarity than I had hoped. Once I play this show I’m going to focus on this exclusively for a while, which I think will make me feel significantly better than having a billion things to think about.
I have roughly 24 waking hours to work until the show and I’m hoping I can produce at least half an hour to 45 minutes more potential music to play, which will give me a a big margin of error for stuff to cut or change on the fly. I think this is basically doable. I feel nauseous but thats not really related
I just saw How To Blow Up A Pipeline. Good movie, kind of like a libtard Triumph of the Will. It’s a heist movie basically but it genuinely is pretty fascistic. Theres a vague conspiracy out there (oil companies, the government, the FBI) who are killing us, stabbing us in the back with their relentless modernism. Politics is failing, leading to the American Volk- represented by the multicultural ragtag band is brought together to perform spectacular aestheticized violence as propoganda of the deed.
The American volkish is captured by A mixed race lesbian couple, one of whom has a rare cancer begat by a chemical plant, a pair of ambiguously racial college students, two portland antifa freaks, one native american from dakota, and one redneck oil worker. They find common cause out of necessity becauae of the utter failure of politics.
The leader of the group and the main planner has an inciting incident at the beginning- her mother died from a ‘freak heat wave.’ I dont think this is the main lethal danger from global warming so it’s interesting they decided to go with this. I suppose anything else is speculative, and the relationship feels dirext. The lesbian’s cancer comes from chemical pollution rather than oil and gas or CO2 pollution precisely.
It’s a good movie, and also an interesting political benchmark. It’s not really a hollywood movie, I know friends of one of the producers and hes just a New York film guy. I dont know if it represents the general feeling of America now, but theres certainly a strata of America who wants this kind of radical action. The FBI got rid of all the bad ass enviornmental activism in the 90s so I guess the left blew its load spiking trees and messing with loggers. The antifa freaks in the film got caught by the feds sugaring a gas tank so maybe this history is partially referenced. It would be very funny if this movie inspired any sabotoge irl.
Getting behind in entries, but yesterday I was just really exhausted and not much happened. I do have a picture from Saturday’s weddin
I went to this meeting bc I havent been going enough, and I shouldve made music the rest of the day and instead I watched John Wick. Not a good movie despite everyone everywhere seeming to adore it. I guess I’m a snob but I hate the editing style where they do sharp cuts to make keanu reeves look like hes doing impressive martial arts, hes clearly just pointing a fake gun at stuntmen who have cgi blood added in post. Didnt give me the shlocky fun feeling I was promised.
Today all day I was cleaning and now am headed to see how to blow up a pipebomb. I was also invited to de humani corporus fabrica which seems better (by far, maybe) but I already said I’d go with Ivy to this, and I can just see it next week. I also need to see beau is afraid. And then barbie and oppenheimer I guess. I’m a movie guy now. Also going to hopefully talk to this artist about a movie I’m going to try and make tomorrow, so hopefully that pans out in some kind of productive way. Head already hurts, dont think 2 films in one day was ever really that feasible for today.
I woke up and did a lot of nothing for a good while. What else? I toned my hair. Then eventually I went to meet with my sponsor, or so I thought. There was a miscommunication and he didnt think we planned to meet like I had assumed.
I hung out in the Zen studio for a while and walked around outside. The warm weather has been giving me increased energy and metabolism. I feel like I’m beginning to photosynthesize. The meeting was good and non eventful.
Then I went to my friend’s art opening. Not as good as his last one, too unfocused and reference heavy basicaly. Needed some focus. Needed to be in the space here now.
I met a fan of the substack, which is funny. He’s started his own substack diary. Imagine he will read this. Was worried I was rude and didnt try to include him more but tbf I always feel excluded I’m just around a lot. I do my best. Was nice to talk shop with a fellow online autofiction diarist.
After the opening we went to a kareoke bar and my friend texted me to say there was a punk show down the street so I left the art gathering to go to this Chinese cultural centwr that these guys have been booking shows at for years apparently. The first two bands were very good and then the actual headliners and theyre openers were terrible riot grrl/glam/ pop punk lameos. I mean it was fine it was just a dissapointment. Then we met up with Genevieve and ate tacos and went home. Pretty classic friday night.
Today I’m working a wedding. Have a trainee unexpecdetly and its not something I’m very happy about. I’m unfocused, my head hurts, I’m tired. I was supposed to DJ tonight but I’m getting done w work too late to make it to anything in time to do so. Not the worst day but I’m ready to go home already. Wish I could just hide and read but they keep making me go up to a entirely seperate event to help with their video problems. I’m so hungry. Oh but also I saw my coworker at the punk show and now we’re friends which is funny
I did some podcast editing at home (I’m gonna need more work soon after this weekend) and then worked on loops for a set I think I’m gonna play in a week. I also got asked to dj on saturday but I’m gonna be working until 2am so I cant make it.
Did some decently productive work then went to meet up with my friend to go see the Eyehategod show. We hung out at this bar and I ate a burger and we had a really stupid conversation about our terrible band. They should probably listen to my aesthetic instincts. I should either force my vision on them or else give up and be in a bad blues band.
Then we saw the show. Metal shows are funny because they all dress like that. There was a guy in corpse paint who made his own misfits shirt. There was a lot of hammer dancing in a circle mosh pit with very few people in it. Lots of old ugly guys with hot chicks (which I guess does make the whole metal thing seem more appealing).
The first opener, Disassociate, was good grindcore, the next opener Goatwhore, was really boring double bass thrash, and Eyehategod was good. I felt kind of stupid going. I got tickets as a manipulative birthday present to go I think but it wasnt a bad show. I dont know what else I’d be doing other than going to some party I was invited to. Another day in paradise- not much else to add.
Went to my therapist and it was fine. Not sure what it supposed to be doing but I complained about a bunch of stuff I can’t really complain to anyone about (and now cant even really write in my diary about) so that was useful. Then I wandered around manhattan and thought about Mary Oliver’s Summer Day
Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
So I decided to have a McFlurry before I went into the library, because that seemed like a good way to enjoy the new warm weather. Two seperate birds then shit on my quickly after each other so I went into the library and did some random work I had piling up, got a fair amount done and did some web development stuff. I was going to go to a meeting but I decided to meet up with people at Hauser and Wirth the big blue chip gallery that had some huge abstract painting opening. They looked fine, no strong opinion. They were the kind of shit the Big Art World really likes- huge messy abstraction. People were being extremely poorly behaved, even worse maybe than the Small Art World im used to. This guy told everyone in the bathroom line that if you feel the need to defecate you should put a sharp implement in your anus and turn it counterclockwise. I don’t know.
We ended up going to ‘chess night’ which is the new sceney party thats happening. I had a really awkward conversation with a girl who clearly didnt want to talk to me and then I played chess against someone who I think was one of my friend’s coworkers. My friend is now DJing which is funny. He went through a break up and now DJs for his young coworkers who sponsor Media World’s chess night. Anyway I played one of them. He and his friends were wearing suits and sunglasses for some reason (irony, presumably) and they were talking constantly about different crypto trades they had made that week and the MiLady rave.
Picture them as the antagonists in front of me across the board and me, in one of my standard shitty black metal t shirts, an upstart underdog, kicked repeatedly by life but with a spark of cleverness and a wide eyed sincerity. I started strong, gaining an exemplary pawn position. The gentleman wasn’t expecting me to move so aggressively. I got cocky before I could fully leverage the early advantage after taking only a rook in a pincer gambit. I lost my queen to a major blunder. The rest was an uphill battle, being put on the defensive for the rest of the game. Through perseverance and Machiavellian cunning I managed to sneak a pawn towards his king even under repeated suppressive fire (getting into check between his queen and a rook and a bishop) and regained my queen. At that point I could move my rook and and new queen out of their defensive position, leaving my King wide open but cementing a series of checks that forced him into a mate-able position.
Anyway it was a good party because I didn’t have to talk to anyone. Also Ryder Ripps has been hitting on my girlfriend and gave me a really dirty look last night.
Another retarded day. Highly aware of how much is frittered away even with concentrated effort. I’m not the idealized version of a living person I imagined, sure. Sometimes I wonder if I’m in the bottom 10nth percentile of spiritual or ontological value, and todays a day like that. I worry about how stupid my life will seem when I look back on it on my deathbed. Awareness of this possibility alone is not enough to stop it. Maybe I shouldbe joined the army. I wish I had never gone to college. I wish I had tried to get into a better college. I wish I never got addicted to drugs. I wish I was still addicted to drugs.
What happened to the gratitude I felt last week when I learned how horrible life was for some people with similar circumstances? Maybe I need to hear about an acquaintances tragic life or death every week to keep it fresh. A lot of people die every day, theres no shortage of horrible endings.
I kept meaning to write april 9th today and then I just didnt but its fine I’ll 2 together again.
Yesterday was Easter so first I went to church. I thought about going to the baptist church and then decided on the lutheran one next door but got the time wrong so had to go to mass at the cathedral a few blocks down. Maybe it was for the best. Easter seems like a catholic specialty. The pastor sounded like Gilbert Gottfried. There were a lot of poles and hispanics and other whites there, seemed like the neighborhood mix I expected. Nice to feel like I’m part of the neighborhood. I was one of the few people there alone, and my hair is bright blonde since I bleached it saturday. I felt a little weird and like a vouyer. I feel particularly empty today so its standing out to me.
Then we went to our friend Jack’s house [maybe I’ll start tagging people’s twitter’s when I can. that seems pretty strange and pomo and autofictiony which is good and bad] and everyone drank a bunch of beers and ate ham. It was nice. I met the guy who tried to get me the editing job. I told him basically I fucked up the interview. I got the feeling that he’s not telling me something but he insisted he got very little information about why I didn’t get the job. Oh well.
Today I did web design stuff. It was mildly productive I suppose, but progress is always very slow. Then I made a big meal and cleaned the whole house and tried to get ready for band practice. I suck at guitar and I’m not creating really really good music with it yet. I feel a little depressed and pathetic and despondent today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Tired. Had another 13 hour shift. It was fine, a wedding between two terminal dorks. The groom was an artist and I looked his website up and he wasnt terrible. the bride was a jewish/japanese vegetarian dog person. She loved dogs, she looked quite nice (not a dog-person). Talked to my coworker george a lot and we agreed to go to some shows at some point and I got his number. I think hes younger than me and very sincere but nice and seems cool. I’d like to be his friend. After work I was very tired but wanted to make myself go meet my friends at this bar, but ultimately decided not to. I’ll see them all soon so it didnt seem that important. I hate feeling like work makes me too tired to go do something, bc it means its raking things away from me outside the time it pays me for, but I genuinely didnt think it was worth the treck to hang out at a kareoke bar for an hour and a half past midnight. Very tired anyway so wanted to save my pushes thru fatigue for nights that are more worth it
I feel so tired. I slept like shit last night, maybe 3 hours. I thought I might go to Julia’s party tonight because I want to play a set there. I have a good idea for some clubby stuff with a turntable and my digitakt. Anyway I texted her to ask to get on the list and she said it was full but invited me to play the next one, so I lost a big part of my motivation of going. Plus I just got wrapped up hanging at my sponsor’s house with AA people. Those people are total dweebs with goofy opinions, but theyre smart and genuine and not at all cool (probably read: pretentious) which is really refreshing. Also we have the bond of alcoholism. It was a nice meeting too and I saw this guy johnny who I feel an affinity for but dont usually see around. To continue to work backwards, the thing I did before is work with my sponsor and the thing I did before that is pace around uncomfortably and the thing I did before that is completely redo my stupid personal website. Its much better than before, but still fairly embarrasing. Not the worst start but has a ways to go.
That was my day in reverse basically. I did a bunch of web work and them wanted to party bc its my weekend night this week but didnt because I was too tired from waking up in fright at 5:30.
Oh but also I dont think I mentioned that my friend from my first rehab, who we call Bean for some reason texted me last night. Never too good to get an unexpected communiqué from a rehab compatriate. He said he had gossip and very bad news. The fun ‘less depressing’ gossip was this kid TJ who was on steroids and would shout at me a lot bc I was a smartass to him got in two seperate fatal (3 victims total) DUI collisions within a month. Pretty depressing for being the less depressing gossip.
The depressing bad news part was that our friend Tyler’s (who blew his brains out half a decade ago) brother also killed himself. I already knew that so it wasnt quite the blow it was when I first heard it. It makes me feel a real ache of sadness thinking of his family, now extinguished of all possibility of hope.
The other thing he told me for mysterious reasons is that my rehab girlfriend Kim is using again, and also that he cannot stop going into and out of treatment. As far as I can tell I am the only clean person from that treatment program. I really feel emotionally inadquate to feel the depths of gratitude for being plucked from whatever hell was swirling around our damned lives. How could I see such a force, even if enacted by luck and circumstance and fellow man, as less than ultimately from some Godhead I will never fathom?
Worked on my stupid personal website. I know what I want it to look like and what information to have but it still makes me feel overwhelmed by how much of how I need to design it is determined by my life plan effectively, which unfortunately is not completely clear to me.
I met up with my friend Lyle and we took the train to this Dean Kissick/New Models talk about art or technology or the intersection thereof. The whole train ride there Lyle was getting into a conflict over the phone with this girl who isn’t even romantically involved with. I could hear the baroque insecurities and ornate problems women create for themselves in interpersonal relationships over the phone. Lyle is in over his head and not even getting any pussy for it, the poor fella.
The talk was at this irish pub in FiDi some of the hip media set have taken a shine to for whatever reason, and it was very packed. Stressfully so. The talk wasn’t terrible but it had a kind of Gen X attitude that was pretty apparent. A lot of discussion of ‘scenes’ and technology. Basically the underlying theme was that ‘legacy media’ arrangements were better to participate in, and the brave new world of the internet is struggling to be born (with respect to economic and social models that feel satisfying wrt the creation of ‘content’).
It all kind of betrayed a dazzlement with technology. The new models woman, Carly, said that she thinks art’s primary purpose is for detournment, or to give ‘lines of flight’ away from current ways of thinking, ‘shifting’ in some way the way people interact or think about social relations, their lives, life in general, etc. This is a contemporary attitude, and I consistently see a post-facto reading of art in general throughout history as adhering to this mode of operation. I think theres an underlying skepticism to this idea that artists have to be or ought to be or generally are little hacker Duchamps culture jamming their way into a new society. I see enough meta technological platform fuckery that doesn’t justify itself that I don’t know if I privilege this way of thinking about culture. It sounds like she thinks art should be like the iPhone, or like Shazaam or Limewire or Neopets. Possibly because I’m a little younger than her and I saw that Uber and Occupy didn’t ultimately change the world for the better I don’t really care so much for disruption for its own sake. I don’t think I’m aesthetically neoconservative either, it just seems like the art world can no longer beat advertisement, telivision, technological capitalism, finance, etc at detournment anyway, so why even have it if thats the primary aesthetic function of it?
After the talk the Q and A got really depressing really fast so I went outside and waited around and then sort of tried to network and schmooze. I did have a conversation with Lyle’s childhood friend who happens to run a gallery I think is really cool. I tried to talk to this one artist and I blurted out that I really like his work in this dorky way and he started to talk to genevieve about how he thinks her art is really great and I felt very ancillary so I made the mistake of going over and talking to this very irritating young man wearing a blazer. He said he would put me in his show at his gallery for some reason, despite me not really saying I made work and him not having the chance to see anything I’ve made. He put his own painting in the show and it was an illustration of Owen Wilson next to the car from Disney’s Cars. Very strange and utterly stupid.
I guess if I don’t want to feel ancillary in the art world I should show work in terrible galleries, but it would mean I would have to go through weird people like that. I’m thinking about it too because G mentioned off hand something like, ‘if you want to show work, you could show work, you just have to admit you want to show work.’ I kind of do want to show art, it seems fun and cool, and I don’t think that I’ve ever insisted I dont. I guess I’d like to think my primary motivation isn’t to show mid visual art I make in some gallery. That might be the kind of thing I do in order to progress in some way, but maybe I’m hoping I stumble onto a more fruitful track of aesthetic or intellectual production that sweeps me along more strongly. I’m probably rationalizing some kind of fear or embarrassment or fear of embarrassment. Maybe I’ll ask people other than genevieve what I would do in order to show stuff and just see what they say. Its better to do something than not do something. I had a really hard time sleeping and woke up around 5 so I’m going off of only two or three hours real sleep. I wish I was more eloquent right now but it is what it is.
Woke up early and read a bunch of Cyclonopedia. someone had mentioned the book off hand recently to me so I thought I would actually read the whole thing. I think Negerastani still follows me on twitter for some reason but I’m scared to check.
Then I went to therapy and it was good I think. I asked for homework but he said it doesnt work like that. I want to get better and happier and saner sooner but I guess it isnt that kind of progress.
Then I went to the main public library branch, which I’ve been meaning to go to for a while. It’s incredibly beautiful, I think I will conistently start working there during days I’m not actively going to a specific site to get paid and whatnot.
Eventually my stomach started having sharp pains and I got concerned so I went home and started to feel very neurotic and couldnt decide if I should cancel my plans for the night. Eventually I fell asleep briefly and woke up and felt really off so cancelled plans and then called my friend and had a really exhausting conversation.
Don’t know what else to say. I feel emotionally overwrought for slightly opaque reasons. Actually not opaque but they feel uneventful ultimately so i’m just motivated to go to sleep currently
I’m off my days a bit, late enough to this one that i want to talk about april 4th. Maybe I will
Yesterday GG was still recovering from throwing up all night, presumably food poisoning from Mexico. I felt really crummy but I can’t tell if I had some kind of bug in my digestive tract or I was just depressed. I sort of felt bad about not doing anything all day, though I did a little bit of photo editing at least.
I dont know what else to say about yesterday. I think some amount of discomfort returning from Mexico is to be expected, and I’m hoping to be done with it soon and return to a feeling of hope.
Today I woke up late and then met up with people for band practice immediately. Felt sort of depersonalized and strange. Not sure what I’m doing with the band. Not sure how to be in a band. I’ve been in a couple and I’ve never felt at home doing it. I’m not sure I’m even naturally a musician. Afterwards I went home and did some podcasting editing work that came at a good time, as I dont have a ton of work on the horizon. Its about an interesting subject too actually, a poet called William Dickey’s work on these weird things called Hypercards, an early mac program that presaged personal internet browsers. Basically he made these peculiar and dated but innovative poem-type works that relied on multimedia and hypertext.
Naturally they also talked about GPT and technology and language and generative language. Often I get distressed about a practice I started and gave up using algorithmically generated language as part of a performance. I wish I had stuck with it badly, as now I feel well behind a curve I was on the edge of. I feel that way a lot, and it may be a little pathetic. I want to be part of the conversation and I would like to stop imagining ways I could be further ahead if only this or that contingency had been satisfied. It’s not really a healthy train of thought.
I wanted to make AI powered music a while before and I wanted to see if anyone was doing it like a year ago and I found this girl doing it to ‘reconnect to her Mayan ancestry’ and I felt discouraged- how could I beat that?
Anyway I met her like a month ago by weird chance and shes some retarded white latino. Legitimately an idiot. Did a lot of coke and was talking with pressured speech about how my girlfriend should be a pop star or something.
I’m trying to keep my head down and plug away at something but it seems like whenever I do so I mysteriously discover its not worth my time or somehow I get distracted. This might be part of the process of discovery, or maybe certain extant personality defects are getting in my way. Maybe I just need a more structured enviornment. That could mean a few things- a class, goin to school part or full time, joining some kind of circle or sports team or club. Joining a church maybe.
Easter in less than a week.
Not really sure if anything at all happened today. I slept for a lot of it. Hoping to get up early tomorrow and have a lot happen
I just turned trans and also got a job at the state department crushing cars with UFO tech they uncovered from Hitler’s bunker behind antarchtica and I joined a Harem of rationalists from Ridgemond Virginia following a direct to consumer DMT salesperson plus I got fibromyalgia from CNN+’s chatrooms so now I’m getting medicine direct from tiktok. My parents have never been more proud…
april fools I got you!
I feel like I’m in a fish bowl. The vacation was too life affirming and now returning to the flow of real life is jarring and draining. I barely have work for the next 3 weeks so I have to figure out how to make rent money plus. Frustrating to encounter reality again.
I tried to bleach my hair to mark a new era to attempt to push myself through a temporal rupture and I left a huge unbleached patch by mistake. It looks sort of fine and i need to rebleach it either way but that gives an idea of where I’m at.
I went to the gym and saw Sam and I felt like I wasnt making any sense. I probably seemed normal from another vantage point but I have this weird feeling I’m not really here. I worry this means my normal life is shit and I shouldnt try to get back into the swing of things, but instead use this opportunity to cleave all normal patterns of behavior. I dont think I’m going to do that.
I also ate three week old gnochi by mistake. I thought it was like pasta so I cooked it up and ate it too fast to realize it tasted a little poisoned until the end. I’m choosing to believe I wont become ill but maybe some toxin from a bacteria in the potato truffle oil mixture explains my depersonalization.
Going to a meeting I dont usually go to to hopefully feel more normal. I need to be subdued and normalized somehow
After massage unsurprisingly I felt relaxed, though I noticed throughout that I kept having peculiar thoughts pertaining to or corresponding with the type of thoughts and situations I have found myself over the past decade or so. I’ve been primed with this kind of woo idea that massage releases tension built up and stored in your muscles. Maybe in fact little traumatic or unresolved psychic tensions were being released from my fascia and musculature through my capillaries and into my bloodstream. Nonetheless, after that I was sort of dazed and found it difficult to be fully engaged with Gg’s family. We eventually did go to a vegan taco place and it was very clearly where all the portland-style white people hung out. Felt like a parody.
One strange thing I really noticed about San Juan was that every single establishment was piping in a different musical playlist of covers. There were lots of different styles of covers- island, soft rock, trip hop, acoustic, some reggae-- but it was without fail always a cover of a radio hit that was at one time in the top 40. Extremely strange. I know a lot of the restaurants and hotels are owned by a set number of gringos who turned the town into a tourist trap, which may explain the phenomenon, but it is very strange to experience. Not sure why they didn’t just play regular music, which I assume everyone would prefer. What do I know?
I neglected the dairy for a little and I’m having increasing difficulty remembering what happened or what I thought of it. Its really turned into a blur. I’m not going to go back and change it now but I realized the vegan taco place was two days ago. Last night we met up with these friends of friends of G’s brother- which he kept teasing as ‘The Boomers.’ I guess he met someone who knows them when he was in the peace corps. Either way they were really annoying. We went out to a pricey (for mexico) steak house. It was a good meal, though the décor was certifiably insane and hard to describe. I think the most notable feature was that the plates had quotes from bob marley and kurt cobain on them for an inscrutable reason. We ate a lot of free food though, so that was nice.
The boomers themselves were just so irritating. They kept swirling their wine and talking about it, and dropping hints over how much they had travelled. I don’t really care about bragging about travelling if you tell me something notable or fun or informative but they truly had no stories to tell except about dining in different restaurants that their friends own and weddings theyve been to. She also kept bringing up being a ‘graphic designer’ and the fact that that meant she was really into using pen and paper(??) which seems very outdated. I think she was an ethnic german and was born in venezuala, so make of that what you will.
The husband literally was unable to talk about anything other than wine. He also sort of got angry at G when she said she didn’t want red wine (its sacrilegious to not pair it with the heavy meats, he said). He was a kind of shrew-faced darting-eyed weirdo and the wife was this mildly bulbous and smooth-faced libtard who insisted she wasn’t a hippy. Most notably they had children and I didn’t hear a single thing about them the entire night except for the fact that they had left the home to go to college by now.
Also we looked at some venues for the wedding but not much to tell. I did one final prowl around the streets of san juan to do a little night photography. I heard somebody start to come out of their house after I turned the camera on. They may not have even noticed me or cared but I decided that was the end of the expedition and thus the denouement of the vacation in full.
I don’t have much of anything to say about the 30th. Travel day. It feels good to be heading home, even though dealing with airplanes, airports, shuttles, crowds, customs, immigration, enclosed spaces, hunger, and boredom all have negative valences, it was turmoil that felt worth it to finish an over-luxurious period. I was beginning to feel spoiled and weird. I don’t think I should be on vacation anymore, I would like to get back to working on things. The hotel isn’t really picking me up enough this week and I’m dreading the idea of going back to the shop. I’m going to apply for a bunch of jobs tomorrow because I’m feeling quite pessimistic about my big job lead that would forever change my life. I have one other idea of a project that would take up a lot of my time but it wouldnt really make money so maybe I should have a more cohesive plan for the forseeable future than wait around for work.
Yesterday was a weird tasting and wedding planning day. We tried to help Donna and Gabe solidify plans for their table decorations and also the menu they plan to use for various meals for the wedding guests. Sort of fun but kind of strange. It was a little weird being in front of 25 beautiful delicious looking cocktails and having to just sit out trying them, but other than that it was fun to eat the various courses and help narrow it down. The rest of the day was a lot of walking around shopping for gifts for random people as an excuse to see more of the town.
Me and Gg are getting sort of sick of being on vacation. It’s weird being a foreigner and its weird to be with family (probably more taxing for her, but still). We’re having a nice time but we are becoming alienated by the strange White Lotus style resort town we’re in. Today I tried to call a taxi company to get a car to this birria place at the edge of town and I sent the car there and it sent me down a depressive spiral. I don’t speak spanish so why did I not get help? Am I not as savvy as I thought? I’ve never really done any travelling. It made me think back to the various times I freaked out, picked up, and went to some other city with no plan and ended up in questionable situations I couldn’t get myself out of. I worry I don’t actually know how to deal with the world. I don’t have a ton of work coming up, maybe its more of the same.
I worry about my life being frivilous and yet being unequipped to handle even the nonsense that I create for something to do. I feel spoiled and ungrateful thinking this way in a beautiful place. I need a vacation from this vacation. The rest of the day I’m going to do no culturally enriching things, not try to explore at all, not attempt to be a good traveller. I’ve done enough of that. I am going to get a massage in like a half hour so its a good day to be spoiled and uncurious.
First full day in San Miguel. This was the whole origin of the trip- to help Gg’s brother finalize some wedding stuff. What I didn’t realize is that he’s paying for us to stay in a luxury resort. Feel slightly uncomfortable being here as I’m being waited on hand and foot by the natives. Nothing I can really do to help bolster the value of the peso right now so I’m just trying to enjoy myself and be nice to everyone. I think I accidentally tipped the guy who took my bags the equivalent of one dollar and I think he was annoyed but I had just woken up and didn’t have any cash.
San Miguel is charming as fuck. I can see why my parents are so jealous I get to go here, and also why its such a wedding destination. Really nice churches and its preserved its cobblestone street colonial/post-colonial/mexican gothic architecture everywhere. Its weird being in a resort town. Not anything I have experience with, but its really rewarding to walk around.
Also in the morning we went on a guided hike to a relatively recently discovered (2001) mesoamerican temple. It was the farthest north mesoamerican architecture before the Sonoran desert and also notable as having a well preserved sunken patio. Very cosmic. I don’t know what else to say I’m trying to lean in to being relaxed and on vacation so hopefully am only getting dumber by the minute.
I’m drinking mocktails and reading by the pool. I’m going to get a massage at the spa tomorrow on my girlfriend’s brother’s dime. Its all very retarded and I’m going to do my best to enjoy it fully, which requires a bit more mental work than I had imagined.
I think its just strange how many odd turns my life takes with seemingly no input from me. It also feels strange how recently I was variously living on the street or buying fent in LA, and somehow mysteriously that all went away and feels like living outside reality. Actually this also feels like living outside reality, but it amounts to nothing feeling like reality. Its all reality, its just difficult to be a present subject. I’m continuing to strive to attain all of that living in the moment and being present and whatnot.
Last night we couldnt make it to Lucha Libre for a variety of not interesting reasons including how tired we were. We were invited by the gallery girl to this birthday party and when we showed up we saw my other friends who we know in town. Not surprising theyre part of overlapping scenes but nonetheless it felt like a good and serendipitous sign. We hung out there for a while at this peruvian restaurant they had rented out. It was a familiar crowd as who I might see in New York- more of a focus on commodity design here- shoes, furniture, that kind of stuff. Also NYs scenes are divided- here musucians and visual artists and whoever else attend the same functions. It seems like there must be a lot going on in a city of 20 million so its telling that our two different friends went to the same party.
Afterwards we went to our friends house and they made us watch music videos for a while. Its weird that they hate weed because they have a lot of stoner tendencies between them. Eventually we went to a rave in a shut down hotel that people have been using as a venue for events. Apparently this is a common practice here. The event advertised their bathrooms on the flyer with pictures bc a lot of these ramshackle venues have noone to maintain the plumbing and the result is overflowing toilets and disgusting baños generally.
The show was fun, it was this late 90s DJ Goldie and he was spinning drum and bass when we got there. It was in a huge room crowded with people and we got to the front and it sounded phenomenal. It reminded me why I like dance music but also reminded me that I can’t find the trancendant experience ofhers claim- whether bc I cant take drugs or I wasnt born with a 92 IQ techno yearning.
The next day (this morning) we lazilly walked around a goth flea market and I bought some blaxk metal shirts and hats. Then we ate lunch and said goodbye to frida and monty and barely made our bus on time. Now for the trip to san juan and beyond
Last night was really nice, I saw my friends Monty and Frida who I havent seen for a very very long time. Theyve lived here for maybe 5 years so I surely havent seen them since then. It’s strange being back in touch with so many people I knew in college. In my heart all those people were out of my life but I guess not. I missed my chance to go to an AA meeting in CDMX in English yesterday. I wish I could have, it would have been an interesting experience at the very least.
Today we went to the Anthropology museum and it was definitely affecting to be in the presence of some of the artifacts, in particular the large scale stuff. I enjoyed in particular the large sun/calander wheels, the columns, and the temple edifices. The latter pieces were probably the most amazing, in particular one from Teohuitican (where we were yesterday as it so happens) that was adorned with huge sculptures of serpent heads. Very impressive. Hard to not notice the mesoamerican cultural obsession with violence and pain. Theres something in the water down here I guess.
We went to another fancy restaurant and had elevated mexican food and then walked around the shopping district and I bought some cheap pants because I’ve been desperate for new pants recently.
Oh also we went to a terrible corny millenial zoomer museum we got told was recommended by nebulous others. It had an exhibition anyone could donate items to with the theme ‘lost relationship’ so it was essentially a bunch of junk and then anonymous people whining about a breakup. Incredibly enervating. I wish we could have seen more art but we saw a few galleries already, and we have two more we’d like to swing by if we have time tomorrow. Too tired to write a really good entry. The heat is definitely having an effect on my brain and attitude
Teotihuacan for today. Was in a funny mood all day looking back. We had a leisurely morning and then took the metro to the bus depot, and then a bus up to the archeological zone of the pyramids. I was excited to go and felt good the whole time. I just feel fairly positive and relaxed in general these past few days. I suppose thats how vacations are supposed to feel.
The bus ride was a good chance to see the central mexican countryside as well as the outskirts of the developing part of Mexico city. Maybe its trite but the vernacular architecture of the settlements is amazing. They look like what they are- vast stretches of unregulated, densely positioned, unplanned residential buildings made by people with various but generally adept construction skills. It was breathtaking to fly in and note how far these areas go in each direction but this offered a closer vantage point. I often feel dizzy when coming to contact with the uncountable number of souls who each have an internally consistent identity and a life just as complicated as any other. What else is there to say on that.
The pyramids can be seen for maybe 2 miles on approach. Theyre on a slight incline, and its difficult to tell how big the central one is once it starts peeking up from the threadbare treeline. Once one enters the park and walks towards it the immense scale becomes evident.
I had figured I would feel more reverent during the expedition, but I felt nothing of the sort. I suppose I have no actual contact with the mesoamerican religions, so they seem purely fictional to me. Ditto for the culture, especially considering I think mainly of the ruins when I think of their built world. I tried to imagine the reality of living in the Teotihuacan complex but I could only picture the 2D isometric images I’ve seen in history books of a child, and I couldn’t tell you the difference between the Aztecs and Mayans and whatever other precolumbian guys I’ve seen illustrations of.
Also its all tourists and a bunch of guys hocking wares. Fake obsidion, crappy jewelry, these annoying whistles that sound like jaguar calls. Nothing of interest. Its amazing to walk around both extant temples simply because theyre huge, and the landscape is very pretty. Then we went to this strange tourist trap called La Grata, which I think a lot of people go to as children when visiting mexico. It’s just a really shitty restaurant inside a ginormous cave. The food was inedible and expensive, but expensive food in mexico isnt crushingly so. The meal cost us 30USD each so it was probably worth it so I could get some good videos of the cave restaurant.
We took the long journey back and now are getting ready to meet up with my friend from college to probably go see some nightlife. I feel very in love with Genevieve and I’m surprised how we can always feel even more intimate together. I just love understanding someone and being able to learn about how another person sees the world as a result of their specificity in attitudes as well as their history. Understanding the uniqueness of someone else helps expand your mind to understand things more broadly. It’s always that way. The closer you look at anything the more tragic it is, the more hilarious, the more beautiful.
I woke up really early to be confident and alert for this zoom interview. The contact I had for it gave me a false sense of security and during the interview I feel I made some mistakes (namely not lying enough about how much I know about surfing). I could feel the job being taken away from me when I admitted I didnt watch surfing competitions. Incredibly annoying if thats what keeps me from progressing financially, though I guess I havent even been rejected yet. I prayed very sincerely for God to put me in the right place beforehand and I felt it to be true and real so if I get it or not it is the optimal outcome I feel.
Hard to keep that attitude. My continous denial of jobs and opportunities that are just under the glass bottom boat I’m riding on feels desolating. Suppose I can’t be too upset- I have a job and I’m being a tourist in Mexico City as I write this.
After we went to the last architectural work of Luis Barragan, a developer who became the preeminint modernist architect of Mexico City. Beautiful house still in use. Much better example of modernist ideas in practice than most, and had a satisfying connection to vernacular mexican and graphic design. Clement Greenberg apparently was at the house some, and the whole thing made me understand the connection between greenberg’s sculptural aesthetics and his painting color field stuff. It operates similarly in practice and they did similar things in the space outside the gallery. It was like living in a James Turrel piece
We took a long walk to Chapultapic castle. I imagined this as a quick excursion but its a huge estate- and we learned soon that it was in part developed by the habsburgs to make the mexican empire more consolidated and similar to the european states. It went mainly unnocupied thereafter except as a military academy between revolutions. It really fits into our interests- its a combination of erzats european grandeur and roman art that represents two crumbling empires of the 19th century before becoming a tourist destination after briefly being used during as a presidential palace during the eary modernization of mexico. Plus its huge and looks gaudy and ostentatious in the most beautiful way.
We then walked around for a while and saw some of the new retail districts in roma norte. Clearly stuff set up for tourists and gringos, but we didnt see anything that wasnt a rip off or very good. We then went to a super fancy newer restaurant. We wanted to take advantagr of the exchange rate basically so we got a 14 course tasting menu in the kind of progressive/avant garde fine dining establishment we could never afford in the states. It was 100$ each total for everything and it was truly spectacular. I wont go into the solipstic experience of eating too much but suffice to say it was tasty. A lot of pure flavors or tastes pushed to really intense places. I understood the sensations of aftertaste and acid and salt and fat in a clearer way than when I walked into the restaurant.
A highlight was a black truffle taco made with tortillas of huitlucoche- corn infected with a specific edible fungus that consumed the kernels and turns them blue. It was used in high regard during the aztec period for spiritual leaders and important people, and the tortilla had this amazing flavor between corn and mushroom, rather than a combination of them. Wonderful night. Me amo méxico
March 21
first full day in CDMX. We ate breakfast at a fondas that was recommended and it was great. All the food has been really good so far with the exception of the carlos slim tourist trap. We went to the trotsky museum for a while and tried to go to the Frida Kahlo museum as well, but got fairly discouraged by the line and the general atmosphere so decided not to waste time and walked through coyoacon through some markets and plazas.
This felt like a good introduction to mexico city because we walked through the middle class neighbohood we were staying at and coyoacon gave a little bit of late colonial architecture and newer upper class residential buildings. We ate more and then met up with this girl sold to us as the 'mexico correspondent for artforum'. She was really nice and we went to a few galleries and then she happened to want to go to this bar our friend Jorge recommended.
He said it was the 'Clandestino' of mexico city, which is strange because I dont picture him going there at all. I think he just meant 'art world hangout' but we were there early and it was mainly old mexicans drinking coke and eating sopas. Gabby was really nice and gave an interesting if unsurprising perspective on the rabid expansion of the city. Shes from guadalajara but moved here 7 years ago because it was really the only place to be an art critic unless she wanted to be in the US.
One funny thing I noticed is how pragmatic and direct she was in talking about Mexican politics. In contrast she seemed to be plugged into the same moralist-telivisualized-scandal-propoganda machine about US politics. She did use the phrase ‘policia de identidad’ at one point when talking about some tendencies in CDMX that have been inherited from the US now that were sort of done with them in New York.
We went to an after hours bar in the storage warehouse of some restaurant. No idea why it had to be after hours, but I guess they just didn’t have a liquor license or something. We also met up with a friend of a friend there who is doing academic anthropological work imbedded in the nota roja scene, which is this whole culture surrounding the production of these tabloids they make that exclusively cover crime stories and mainly circulate on the basis of some horrific images on each cover of dead and maimed bodies. They also supposedly have NY Post style puns. I havent seen one but I dont see that many news stands. Not sure where to look, tho they have huge circulation. Each major news paper has one they run, and I’m sure they make more money from the main news papers bc of higher priced ads but the nota roja sell more copies. It seems like fascinating work.
Spring Equinox. Flew to Mexico city. Didn’t sleep much at all the previous night so I was exhausted, and flights generally take a lot out of me (you are bombarded with radiation, sapping liquid from your body, and generally I have a hard time sitting because of the stupidity of my bone structure and musculature). We got in early in the day and set up in my friend’s house. It’s extremely nice, much nicer than the alternative of staying at a hotel. We’re in Benito Juarez (everything is named after him, including March 20th, which is his birthday). It’s an upper-middle class neighborhood, with lots of gays and students and expats and those things.
We were exhausted so weren’t rushing out of the house, plus I had to make a phone call about a possible job opportunity helping edit a docuseries on surfing. I set up a resume and made the phone calls- hoping that pans out- and then we met up with gf’s brother’s friends at a bar. We walked through the CDMX chinatown, which is a funny first thing to see- there are no chinese people around, but lots of weird culturally syncretic things. I got a mint chocolate bun and we hung out at this bar. The two girls were fairly annoying. One was ok, who worked for the international drug enforcement arm of the state department(!). The other, who helped set up NHS stuff in other countries was incredibly annoying. She had bad taste and was bad at conversating and had an ugly soul generally. We walked around the central part of the city, and I was hoping we could sort of check that stuff off our boxes but she was rushing us around so we didnt stop and look at anything. She took us to this tourist trap Carlos Slim property in a converted mansion and said she was hungry. The menu was basically a mexican inflected cheesecake factory. We were right next to a restaurant in an old mission which is supposed to be good, but she insisted we eat at this stupid place. Very annoying for the first day in particular. I didn’t want to waste a single meal because there is so much food to go and eat. Oh well. We went to a local taco place and had a foreigner experience of barely knowing enough spanish to order, but we’ve been eating insanely good tacos. Vacation mode is fully engaged and we don’t have to see those girls again until we go to San Miguel, when it will matter less that they waste our time.
Woke up early another day with around 5 hours sleep. Sort of went back to sleep and woke up right on time to go to meeting. I’ve been acting goofy telling everyone about how I’m going to Mexico and I’m all excited. People dont mind when you tell them something good is happening. I worked all day on some non notable wedding. Theres this kid who I work with a lot whose a server assistant usually and he reminds me of the invader zim kids I was friends with in middle school. He reminds me of this kid who would steal their parents cigarettes in 9th grade and we would walk around and smoke them outside mcdonalds and he would pretend to be addicted to them. He had a really strange way of relating and socializing that this coworker shares.
Self consciously awkward, constantly apologizing for their utter strangeness that exists mainly in the fact that they declare it so much. Vague mentions of mental health problems constantly. I feel like this is a very regressed personality. My friend from high school was figuring out theyre sexuality, dealing with the midst of puberty. My coworker seems to not have gotten over this stage. He seemed almost excited to tell me he isn’t able to go to dinners with people because theirs nothing to do. It’s ok to not be particulalry social, but it doesnt make me think youre interesting. I dont think he’s very interested in other people, but hides that behind this self perception as an unsocialized freak. Maybe its fine to relegate yourself to this status, but I’m not impressed by it. I guess I’m being mean to the weirdo, but I think at a certain point being socially awkward becomes a discurtiousness more than an incompetence. One must learn to exist in a society not just for oneself but for the comfort of others. The reason I was thinking about him is that he continued to talk to me on the train ride home the whole way. He likes me.
Now that I’ve said all this my challenge is to be his good friend at work and love him and have as fluid and natural conversations as possible
Notably my birthday. I was still exhausted in the morning because I couldnt sleep until like 4am so I tried to sleep/did nothing the entire day until like 5 when I went to get fondue with some people. When I started to invite people I did so with the mentality of having no friends, but I very quickly had basically too many people to fit. Its new that people generally want to hang out with me and like me. It obviously feels really good but it also makes me really nervous and sort of overwhelmed. I’ve talked to a couple people about this, including Gen, and I think its a consistent phenomenon.
Nonetheless I’m having trouble expressing my gratitude (partially because I still feel exceptionally sleep deprived) for how my life has changed and how I have friends now. I remember being convinced pretty recently that people generally were just not interested in me or what I had to say, but I think part of that might be because I talk to people on cocaine semi regularly who talk over me.
Theres really not much else to say, it was sort of pure joyous experience where nothing bad happened and it was a touchstone on my way to eudemonia. Afterwards we hung out at a bar briefly and went to a literary party where notjing really worth noting happened but that wasnt unpleasant. I played piano there? Can never tell if I’m being really annoying when I do that but people seem to like it because I’m not bad at it. I feel like I’m operating at 90IQ today
sleepy as fuck. I’m going home rn to sleep. It might be my last chance to catch up on sleep for a while, bc tomorrow is birthday and next day I’m working till 11 and then goin to mexico the next day.
very grateful to be travelling. I feel very lucky. Striving to just live in that and question things less. Had a meeting with my sponsor regarding Step 2 (doing them over again) so I’m seeking godconsciousness (tho when am I not?).
Theres a new guy coming around to the meeting whose like a late 50s lawyer. He looks like shit. He honestly looks pretty young he just looks incredibly haggard and worn out. Hes going through a terrible breakup with this girl he lives with, he does electronic discovery until 4am every night. He mentioned almost going to grad school for creative writing and then relapsing. He seems like hes been in a string of horrifying relationships. His youngest kid just went off to college.
I was thinking during the meeting that for all the self pity and regret I can indulge myself with, if a supernatural being came to me and offered to regenerate me into a new life, reincarnating me into a body at random, rolling the dice completely, it would be insane for me to take the opportunity. The attributes of my soul, my will, my circumstance, my physical being. All are at least better than average. Why do I demand so much more? I want to live in the place between working for more and striving for life completely and to create and accomplish with every moment and acceptance and gratitude for the chance encounter with this life God has given me for nothing in return.
I want to start including pictures so heres an illustration of a black hole.
I wanted to get out of the house and learn davinci resolve so I went to this bookstore everyone says is the big neighborhood fixture but they didnt have any seating so I bought a coffee and left, then I went to the library but oddly there are no usable outlets so I went to this cafe nearby, threw away my coffee and sat down after buying new one and then realized I had left my charger at home. Then I went home and worked. It was all pretty stupid but I got a lot of editing done so now I’m closer to winning an oscar than ever before.
I went to eat near my house and then we spent a good amount of time preparing for the trip to Mexico. A really good itenirary is coming together even though we have to work around Benito Juarez’s birthday, which seems like the mexican equivelant of presidents day. I think some people celebrate it pretty hard but theyre mostly in Oaxaca, where Juarez was born.
I feel very sleep deprived for some reason and am tired and cranky but I plan to feel better soon. Very excited about going to mexico with genevieve. I felt really good travelling with her last time we got to go on vacation and shes a good person to have on an adventure. I watched this documentary about William James on youtube yesterday and he advocates for a certain type of liberation of thought. I think this comes naturally to her, she doesnt seem to become habituated to habit or modes of thinking, and this is something I really love about her and I’m happy when she brings that out of me.
[this didnt make it out of drafts for some reason, annoying technical error is why its posted out of date]
Did some household repairs first- cleaned, fixed up the slats of my bedframe, hung up remaining artwork, finished an etching project. Everything took a while and I was done maybe around 4 or 5. The rest of the day has been spent eating and also reading the entirety of Man’s Search For Meaning. Its something multiple therapists have recommended, including my recent one, so I wanted to get it taken care of. It turned out to be easy enough to read and also sort of tittilating because it involves the holocaust so I read it all in one setting.
Its a little funny that he keeps referencing Nietzche’s Man Can Suffer Anything if He Knows Why yet seems to rely so heavily on the value of suffering itself. I know he maintains that avoiding suffering is prudent but he does seem to fetishize it as a necessary condition for creating meaning. What if one doesn’t suffer enough? What if one’s suffering is unrelated to what they can find meaning for. If someone suffers primarily because they have some sort of disability, it means that their life’s meaning must be created from their disability, no matter what else they want to do. Maybe thats in some way true, or at least an unavoidable part of that person’s life.
I see a lot of this logotherapy stuff in what my therapist has said to me. It hasn’t made clear a program of action to get rid of what Frankl calls my ‘existential vacuum’ (which I think I have, embarrassingly enough), but it does suggest a way to think about what to do with this problem. I’m trying to get away from seeing problems of meaning as dealing with abstractions and see them as embedded in the stuff that makes up my life concretely. Where is God in my life? Where could he be? What are my choices right now in this moment? Frankl’s explanation of his theory is a bit just-so (tho I don’t wanna judge his school of psychotherapy based on his pop-science book on being in the holocaust) but I’m hoping it gave me more language to think about meaning creation in real life.
The last thing I kept thinking was about how relevant this stuff is for the Nazis. They were creating meaning by getting rid of the jews, no? Fascism ironically has a solid grasp on creating meaning, though collectively and not individually. The aryan race awakening and the german nation and so on. Maybe Frankl’s psychology is also political, and he’s making something of an argument of liberalist subjectivity. What would fascist logotherapy mean? Communist logotherapy? The fact that its such an amoral technique lends itself to thinking this way, but it does sort of feel proscribed by liberalism by insisting that there can even theoretically be no objective meaning. Maybe one would say this doesn’t even necessarily conflict with ideology, which is a meaning of a different kind, rather than the logotherapeutic meaning shared among a general group. Anyway, it doesn’t matter but it’s good I did my homework.
I was right that getting out of the house would improve my mood. I also went to therapy and it was probably well timed. I dont really feel depressed anymore, even though today was interminable and exhausting. It was a well known (not that I had heard of them) high end jewelry company giving a presentation on wine tasting to their new retail team. It was all about how they should wine and dine clients. Predictably, everyone there was incredibly annoying.
On my L train ride home I’m sitting next to a sleeping homeless guy with his hands in his pants and he keeps grunting and moving. theres a guy with probably autism across from him who insists on telling everyone ‘See you friday.’ The autistic guy is patiently staring at the sleeping guy. I can tell it bothers him he cant say ‘see you friday’ to him.
Tried to be productive today and mainly failed. I found an old hard drive that I could get stuff from and went through it and found a bunch of really terrible old photos and also some really strange audio recordings, including one where an old girlfriend described an attempted abduction during a coke deal. Long story. It all really depressed me and it made it even harder to do anything useful. Feeling depressed and also starting to get sick. Working a really long day tomorrow which I think will be good for me. I ended up just making a lot of falafel and soup for the rest of the week and organizing some files. Pray for me
Planned for the trip in mexico, tried and failed yet again to take pictures of these stupid etchings I made. I found the experience incredibly dispiriting. I’m going to have to hire someone with a photography studio to do it. Maybe I’ll seek out a nearby glass etching place to pay to take the pictures. I also worked on setting up these videos but I was too dispirited to make much progress. Ended up just laying down and playing guitar for a few hours and then read a bunch about rare genetic disorders and then made a batch of cookies. Oh I also went to the dentist this morning and he said my hygiene is much better, which is probably accounted for by the fact that now it is not the case that most of my teeth have holes in them. Better luck tomorrow.
Watched the Knick in bed all day. I can feel a sickness and/or depression coming on, unfortunately. Working to stave both off. Praying, meditating, taking a lot of zinc.
Surrealist dinner day. I spent all day doing this molecular gastronomy thing where I spherified dressing for salmon I cooked. I didnt eat and became really grumpy and got upset by how much work I was doing for the party. I prepared all this music for it and made this complicated dish. It just got me frustrated that I can be creative and productive in the service of other people when something is frivolous, but not when anything benefits me or if it matters at all.
I felt very frivolous and disposable, as though I was living for other’s transient pleasure primarily. I wasn’t even ‘throwing’ the party. A couple girls and my girlfriend were, so why was I putting so much effort into this stuff? Not really sure.
Anyway the two things I did were a big hit at the party, so thats nice. Also I ate so I felt much less bad when I was actually there. I talked to my friend Thea a lot and met a few people. I didn’t do the best job making new friends but I didn’t perform horribly. I met the girl who wrote the New Yorker article with the headline “Hot Girls Drink Milk Now” or something and I think I basically said “oh yeah I saw that headling but obviously didn’t read it” but I think people that graduated from Ivy League institutions should get used to that kind of thing.
That same girl turned off my genius music (which she called ‘giving limewire’ because she saw how I labeled the audio) after I explained how bluetooth worked and put on Drake. I deserve to write the next “Hot Girls Do XYZ” now for a paper of record. Maybe I’ll talk about how hot girls are trying to find quiet stillness despite their need for attention and validation. maybe hot girls are frustrated with the logics of accumulation without need and self-identification despite alienation. Maybe theyre not even hot anymore now that we have called them that, and its only an entonym of some sad misdirection of a certain parasitic cultural slice that wants to think it has unearned privilege because of beauty rather than a fake saliency because of access.
March 9th I basically just worked a vinyl install, fixed my guitar, made music, updated my digitakt, then went to sleep. The only notable thing is I saw a really annoying guy I hate first thing in the morning. Trying to start praying for him instead of being an asshole about him.
Today I cleaned a bunch in the morning then dropped off some stuff for this dinner party were doing tomorrow I been making music for. Then I went to do stepwork and my homegroup, then I went to a ‘dinner.’ It was the same place and people who did the play i wrote the long previous post about, but it was much looser today. They were sort of doing dinner theater (guitar and singing, poetry reading, ‘comedy’). It was basically a bunch of artists doing a goofy revue while they didnt really serve us any dinner. I’m still very hungry. It was fine and I saw people I like (and some people I quietly dislike for no good reason). I felt much more apart today and it all felt more pretentious than yesterday, even though yesterday it was much more meta and self reflexive and a bit more of an inside joke. It just wasnt as good, but I think the audince was just not cooperating. Everyone was the star of the movie and they didnt want to sit in for another one. Common problem. I kept thinking about how maybe the banks are failing, maybe were entering a Greater Depression, maybe America is over. Why are we doing silly little art dinners for each other if theyre not even funny and we dont even eat? Everyone went to the bar the redscare people rented out to sell 150$ tickets to see Roger Stone speak? Strangely the reason it was cancelled was because of heat from a ukraine/russia joke. None of it makes sense but the bar was already rented so they utilized it. It was actually fine being there and maybe I shouldve stayed and made friends. There was enough clout there that the case could be made, but I’m learning to reflexively draw my hand away when I feel the flame of someone’s notoriety. If I dont care about someone I shouldnt because I imagine someone else does. Plus if I know someone is notable theyre light has already been extinguished. Also I dont think these people are impressed by me. Nonetheless I’ll show them all. Soon enough people will be wondering whether to approach me for social capital. Once I conquer this world I will stop the banks from collapsing. I will introduce the clouted kids to the humiluty of christ. I will one day look upon my doubts from a pure hill of knowing.
The gf is in this show. Kind of weird but its an art show along with 7 days of different events/performances. The art is fine, some of its pretty cool. Tonight there was a short film and a play. When I saw the people that were in it they said ‘the movie is whatever but the play will be great.’ They were right about the film it was sort of forgettable. Nothing terrible but it didnt cohere into anything in my mind.
The play was much better than I expected. It was written/directed by this peter bd guy I’ve hung out with a number of times. All I knew before was that ppl said he was a writer, I’d see him at parties, and he doesnt have a cell phone. The play was called ‘The Gallery’ (cute, right?) and it opened with this white guy on the phone talking about lawyers and talking someone thru racism accusations. It has a lot of jokes about libtard identity politics among rich people who are actually evil (pin in this, because I have seperate thoughts about it). The point is hes supposed to be this arrogant asshole and runs this gallery. A woman comes in and theres a scene where he describes the art and the artist in a very alienating and funny way. Classic inaccessible elitist art banter style jokes, but def funny and topical.
The next person that comes in is his worker. I happen to know that this character is based on Peter himself and him getting fucked over. Its kind of a weak scene but it amounts to the poor poor worker getting shafted by the gallery owner. It does happen a lot from what I hear so I think a lot of audience members were sympathetic.
The next person to enter the gallery is the artist whose work is up. She (they?) are back from berlin and blah blah techno blah but theyre mad bc he hasnt sold any of her work. She gets super confrontational and belittles him and he cries. This was a bit of wish fullfilment. Of course the female artist is powerful and assertive and femdoms the rich gallery curator. In this scene she accuses him of being rich and obfuscating it. He is defensive and hurt and is made into a bitch. Wish fullfilment. Not unfunny, but a little transparent.
The next person who comes in is a psycho clown. Heres where it gets really fun and goes off the rails. The gallerist is like ‘oh what is this a performance piece? leave me alone’ while the clown continuously physically escelates and intimidates the gallerist, doing magic tricks w the audience and chasing him with a mallet. It culminates with the clown shooting the gallerist. Then the worker comes back and he gets shot. Then theres a voice over thats a fake news story like ‘Stay away from the clando area, theres a killer clown'.’
Then the artist comes back and is like ‘I know how hard it is to be a performance artist, I’m sure youre tired of not being taken seriously’
The clown actress did a really good job responding in ways that were sort of ambiguous at first, and increasingly threatening and unhinged. She mostly repeated words other people said so it at first seemed plausible she was a performer, but quickly came across very menacing. Anyway, she shoots the artist character.
She also shoots the woman who came in to check out the show. Then theres the ending, which I sort of had problems with.
Music kicks in and it gets even more magical realist. An angel starts dancing with rhe corpses, reviving them and presumably preparing to take them to heaven. Then the gallerist wakes up, zombie like, heaving towards heaven only to be rejected by the angel and taken back to (hell I guess) the other side of the stage by a demon figure.
Ok. So right before the ending theres this farcical apex where the clown has killed everyone, and her specific victims represent more or less the spectrum of the art world economy. This is obviously why this joke where multiple people think shes a performance artist is so funny. Everyone in the audience wants what their doing to rupture through whatever theyve socially contained as productive activities (artistic, economic) and to grab truly the thing (in the Real) that they desire (in this case shooting the rich guy who they depend on for their goals).
One problem is that this rich guy is necessary for the entire economy to function. The play makes it out like hes a rent seeking leech adding no value (which is sort of true from the perspective of the characters). But the move to criticize the rich white patron reads kind of silly when those types of people are necessary for anyone in art making money. Small artists would be fucked if daddy and mommy werent paying some dipshit to show their friends work in a chinatown white cube they got for no good reason. I’m sure the people who made the play would say those people shouldnt be necessary, that there is a way where they arent involved, but thats not the way it is now, and its not the art world they participate in.
The reason its a problem at all is that they got the audience to this place where they were so happy this schizophrenic clown killed everyone. It was this fun contradiction where the scariest character, the most inhuman, resolved all the tension in the play. And it got to this place where we loved the clown show. So then to bring in this weird angel to say ‘oh- these people are redeemed’ didnt make sense to me. Same with the demon taking the gallerist to hell. Why isnt everyone implicated in the clown show? The real redemption would be to say ‘yeah were all doing this clown show, noones making us do this, it is what it is.’
This is seperate but I’m also trying to find a good way to describe and investigate for myself this new mode where people make these jokes about identity politics. Theyre so hollow and weird and I dont know why it keeps standing out to me. I’ve already written an insane amount and my train is almost home so now is not the time but wanted to write it down so I thought about it more.
I got scheduled for the first time in a really long time at the shop and but got home the previous night from working this british wedding (they were really nice despite being anglotards- the bride to be looked everyone on staff in the eyes and thanked them personally) really late. I realized also I’m sort of trying to never work there again so I said I was sick and spent the day cleaning and making middle eastern food. Not sure how those two things took up the entire day but they did. Everything takes a really really long time. Basic stuff, complicated stuff, dumb stuff, important stuff, pointless stuff, fun stuff, boring stuff. It all takes an absurd amount of time to accomplish.
I felt like I had so much time to kill at certain points in my life, and it blinked past with nothing happening. Now I have no time but it crawls forward or lurches in jumps depending on my perspective. Its trite to say but time passing is very strange phenomenologically. I sometimes experience the acceleration of time and my life, last year feels like nothing happened. Its a terrifying phenomenon.
I forgot to mention a thing that happened yesterday that bothered me. After Godland me and the two people I went with, Lyle and Lyle’s friend Troy, were eating cheap falafal near the IFC. We were in one of the temporary covid eating structures and this homeless guy kept coming in and asking for money and then quickly leaving. I think the second time he came in he asked for help and we said ‘Sorry’ and he started walking around the street outside shouting ‘The whole world is sorry! How is the whole world sorry!’
When we were almost done eating he came in again and I went into my backpack to get several dollars worth of change cuz I have a ton of quarters in there that have been accumulating. Simultaneously Lyle offered him the rest of his food and the guy was like, “I dont want your fucking leftovers” and was getting upset at Lyle. I put some unknown amount of change on the table and said something to the effect of, “look man, were just offering shit because youre begging for help, dont get mad at us.” He was like, “nobodys fucking begging here." And I said basically “Yes you are literally begging” And he threw my change on the ground and started shouting at me and staring at me with his blank white eye.
I think I just said like “what do you want? I’m not gonna fight you or whatever you think this is gearing up towards so you should just go away.” He called me a faggot and said I should go away and then left. Either way I felt bad and stupid about the whole thing but I didnt like the way he was talking to Lyle. Sometimes I feel like I should be more sympathetic and sometimes less sympathetic because I used to be homeless. The main thing I internalized from that is homelessness or being a street person or whatever is not monolithic. Thats sort of the danger, you dont know what a person is like or the nature of their mind when you encounter them, and many of them arent all there.
Its sad and I dont want to become hardened to the suffering around me. Its strange how you just get used to seeing hardship and have to learn to move past it every day. I dont want to lose my empathy for anyone. One thing I have noticed is that helping street people often feels very bad. A lot of them dont express gratitude and try to push to get as much as they can. I dont really blame them. If they see someone sympathetic they see a hopeful mark. I’ve gotten close to being sort of taken advantage of and it tests your boundaries. Its just a sad state of affairs.
I’m working a wedding right now and its making me think of time and love and life. The couple is very sweet but unfortunately british.
Need to clean my house really badly. I’m at the point where now I don’t want to because its so messy. We’ve passed a critical juncture. I’ll be relatively busy this week but maybe monday. Working back at the shop I hate for some reason. Well, the reason is that I need money and don’t have enough other work currently. At least I have a few things I’m prepared to print. Today I tried to find a coffee shop downtown to work in for several hours and all of them were full so I mostly wandered around killing time before I met up with people for Godland.
Good movie I think.
A little bit about how scandanavians are repressed maybe? Also about landscapes great and terrible and how they make people emote and also feel the presence of God. Too tired to say too much more. Feel like I have something to say but its not coming.
woke up late because I was up really late last night. I finished this weird short story thing I’m going to post on here as soon as I get someone to look over it. Genevieve has been staying up multiple nights in a row to try to finish this art thing she barely has enough time for. She’s starting to fall asleep as soon as she lays down. Part of me is jealous that she has something that feels worthwile enough to put in so much effort, but I feel silly wishing to have to stay up and drive myself insane. I just want to feel a sense that I’m building upon something and utilizing a unique skill or talent or effort to impact the world. I don’t think its much more complicated than that.
I’m finally almost done with making the music for this dinner party. It hasnt been that much effort but its taken up probably more of my free time than it’s worth. I just feel the need to do everything I can as well as I can for the foreseeable future until everything is perfect forever. I need to prepare something to print for Tuesday, speaking of which. Not sure when exactly I should do that. Sunday night and monday morning, I suppose.
I was going to go see this avant garde vocalist but it seems relatively boring and I neglected to get tickets so I’m going to the album release of someone I don’t really know but I’ve met while he was working at Baccaro. Seems nice. No idea about his music but all of the downtown kids will presumably show up to support so I should know a few people. Maybe it will be the most rewarding night of my life.
I met this girl when I was 17 in a rehab program/high school and we were really good friends and we lived together with her boyfriend while we were all finishing out our rehab term. Later her boyfriend, Tyler, killed himself. We both took it really hard and I think it accelerated a downward spiral I was on at the time. Last year I reconnected with her and invited her to a performance event thing I was helping run. She was really wasted by the time she showed up and was acting really aggressively towards me. I was trying to fix some lights and she kept coming up and sort of yelling at me, acting weird, disturbing me. I was sort of mean and trying to curtly make her leave me alone. She screamed at me in front of everyone while this performance started and it was just a really psycho situation. She called me this morning to tell me that Tyler’s brother killed himself as well. She also said she started on naltrexone and isn’t drinking. I hope to God it works or something works. Its sad seeing an addict and it gets worse and worse. I guess I should thank God for being alive every day. I don’t all the time but I did today.
I’m waiting for my sponsor to meet me at this Think Coffee in manhattan we meet at. Slightly cursed place. Right now around me is accumulating a mob waiting for the bathroom. Its how it often is anywhere a remotely accessible piece of plumbing is in the city. Not sure what the person in there is doing but its taking a long time. I always wonder if people are shooting up but I feel like I usually see people shooting up under bridges or in the subway so why go through the trouble of finding one of the rare accessible bathrooms.
The guy came out and was in an MTA uniform and I dont think was shooting up.
Its later now- the meeting was fine and non notable. I went to hang out at my sponsors house for several hours. On the train ride home I got invited by a twitter friend to meet up at our friends house and saw some people I know and like. I left before it started to become cursed. Its good to be social and its probably always best to leave before 2AM. I feel kind of weird reflecting on the call this morning. Didn’t know Tyler’s brother so I’m filling in the rest with a lot of sad potential details that are probably not true but are just as sad as reality. I guess they were really rich, which I didn’t know, but makes sense as a lot of people in the rehab came from wealthy families. It costs a lot to throw money at a problem for your teen addict. God bless everyone I hope there is no suffering for this moment.
What to say about today. I took the bus to Corona to buy this guitar neck to replace my friend’s broken one. It has the wrong type of tuning peg holes, so I have to wait until the right ones I immediately ordered arrive. Kind of annoying. I forgot theres multiple strats but I assumed the fender and squier both used the same tuning peg? I actually sort of doubt it was designed to be a strat neck so I’m not sure why it was sold that way. It has kind of a weird headstock with no decal. Anyway it will work fine when I get the right pegs. Maybe I’ll need a different string tree. Whatever
Anyway the other thing I did was take the cat over to my friends house while the plumber came and fixed our shower. Other than that I just did a bunch of work on this audio project which probably isn’t worth the time I’m putting into it. It’s good to do every project to the best of your ability but I kind of got roped into something that will take longer than I had hoped with no real reward. Feels like a lot of that most of the time but it will undoubtedly feel like that from time to time the rest of my life. No way around it but to go through it and try to love whatever bizarre thing I’m compelled to do, because I haven’t found a way out of it (other than shooting meth and heroin). Tomorrow I have the morning then my homegroup, which should be nice. Need to pay rent for the space. It was a fast month.
Woke up still foresaken at 4 am and finished the second to last episode of rigget. No thoughts. Fell back asleep and woke up right before I had to leave for work at the hotel, where I am now. Feel stupid for my pathetic life. Hopeless again. I had given up despair for lent and against all odds this choice worked, but I can only stave it off for so long. I’m sure it will dissapate but I need to become less alergic to action. I need to do something that cuts through this self aggrandizing reflexive pity. I’m working with a bartender who is leaving for Columbia anthropology phd program soon. He talked about doing heroin and cocaine. Maybe I should try to go to columbia. My life doesnt matter as much as I think it does. No destiny will make itself apparent. I’m not as brave as I need to be to get the things I want right now. I need to find a tract that reforms my desires into something concrete and in view.
This event is particularly depressing. Its a well known coffee retailer doing an internal presentation for their employees. Theyre now praising their employees for being aspiring musicians, getting a masters in media school, having youtube channels, someone for working at ** ******* for 16 years. Could my life have been different if I made different choices? Would like to hold fast to hope again. Would like to feel like I could touch the things around me and find that theyre solid. I want God to return to me, but maybe it was just gor those several months. Maybe I’ve ceased whatever holy thought and deed had me on an angelic path. I wish I could tear something up and rebuild it, but I’ve built nothing to destroy
I had band practice and was going to go pick up this guitar neck but he ended up cancelling on me. The rest of the day was stupid and nonproductive, and I fell asleep by accident in my clothes and with the lights fully on. I woke up after this show I was trying to go to started and felt foresaken, like I was in a Bergman film. I ended up getting on the train to go but someone hit the emergency brakes and it was stopped for half an hour. When I got there it was almost over and it was so full I didnt feel it worth it to go in, but I took the train back with my friend who was there and we have plans to see the composer we were trying to see at the end of april. Nothing else to report
I cleaned for a long time and then applied for some production stuff and then mainly worked on these weird plunderphonic mixes for this dinner party. I’m using AI tools which is fun and actually applicable in this case. So far it sounds good but I need to make a lot a lot of them to fill up like 3 hours of time which will be difficult. I have a few ideas though. I also worked on some guitar based stuff but not making a lot of progress even though I think I have band practice tomorrow? I’ll find out in the morning. Really need to finish this bit of writing so I can think about another one. Everything takes forever but I gave up despair for lent so I’m not worrying about it.
My entry cycle is getting off, as its almost the end of the day after the 25th, and I havent finished any long posts in a good while even though I’ve been working every once in a while on one in particular. Either way, the 25th was another day working at this podcast festival, and it was pretty interminal. I got to do a tiny bit of fun sound design, but the guy was sitting over my shoulder nervously and kept going ‘Now! NOw!’ when sounds were supposed to play, but it was too early, so it fucked up the whole set up I had for them. Frustrating. Other than that it was just listening to a bunch of annoying podcasts record live shows. There was one really frustrating one about this artist Mary Kelly and her pieces of work about the birth of her son. She made these kind of strange records on baby materials documenting the data (in the 70s) of her infants development and it had these like Lacanian diagrams on his nappies and like stool samples with his diet. It was really cool. The host was like “So obviously when we look at this we roll our eyes because its not like Marina Abromovic pulling a string out of her pussy.” or whatever. Speak for yourself podcast host. She said it was actually feminist because being a mother is actually beautiful (duh, retard) and she justified a lot of the stuff as a ‘parody’ of the Masculine Need To Characterize. As if she, being a woman, could never dain to say something to Jacque Lacan on his own terms, but had to tap into mother gaia thru intuition. It was just really frustrating anti-woman liberal feminist drivel. That was the only notable part. The rest of the day I was just tired and I can’t really remember what I did other than decline to go see this documentary.
Today I woke up at 4am for some reason and so I watched Breaking the Waves (which I’ve been trying to find time to watch for a long time— amazing film) and then fell asleep and woke up in time to go to this meeting. Uniquely I felt a little out of place, but I walked with this guy I think is pretty cool to go see this art show and he was being very nice to me and good to talk to. Then I went to try to fix this guitar I have and made no progress, but figured out a good solution I can implement on Tuesday. I’ve been working on some of this silly music for this silly dinner my girlfriend’s friends are putting on and I found a way to do it which won’t be an insane amount of work at long last. Progress is being made on all fronts (slowly, but being made).
I was getting keys from Lyle just now and joking that I didn’t know what to do with my life and he said ‘what are the options’ and I said ‘I just dont want to pick"‘ and he said ‘thats a very “in your 20s” problem’ which is true but makes me feel immature and retarded. He was sort of joking but its very real. I should just pick a path forward and be brave (like Bess) otherwise I will be tossed around like the wind in the sea and break my back upon an oil rig.
Strangely last night the podcast festival contacted Carl and Carl contacted me to offer me this media manager position for the next two days. Pay is great and its basically just running media assets (slideshows mainly) and other basic AV/networking nonsense. I woke up late but it didnt start until 1100 so I just immediately left and got to the hotel right on time. It was a bit of a whirlwind setting up but I’ve just been sitting in the back of the performance venue running stuff according to cues for the various live podcasts.
The first one was a popular new one from a well known media asset about bots. It was a panel with the hosts, media people, and one tech person (works at some kind of AI firm. I found this panel very troubling, as I often feel when learning or hearing or speaking about AI, chatbots, machine learning, etc. The show in particular was interested in people who develop relationships with chatbots. They were trying to take a middle ground between having sympathy for these people who speak to chatbots all day and gawking at the freaks who play with their computer and think its talking to them. They kept saying ‘these people are using these tools intentionally because they are satisfying a need’ as though they just happen to have a lack of connection or feel a need for companionship, and there just happen to be these tools that satisfy that, and it just happens to have these predictable moral-identity questions in line with black mirror or whatever other scifi tv shows they made in the last 15 years. None of it satisfies me, it all gives me the impression things are getting worse. The tech woman was actively disturbing, she kept contrasting her product (which recreates a person ‘with their consent’) with deepfakes while mantaining that they always tell people their content is AI. There is no difference between an AI made video and a deepfake, and if you tell someone its AI created its the exact same as a video. It all felt incoherent but creepy and bad. She said, very neutrally, that people ‘learn better from other humans’ but at another time said they are staying away from anything ‘overly persuasive.’ People seem to be ignoring the very basic fact that its creepy and bad and gross and noone needs this technology!
The next panel was this incredibly boring korean woman who went to Yale and was really annoying about her entire life which had nothing interesting in it. I imagine her books are bad but I have no idea. Very self congratulatory. Life is controlled by people who went to Yale and complain about it. Not sure whats on the docket for tomorrow yet.
Working a weird Podcast festival at the hotel. The client brought their own AV crew so there was nothing for me to do. I mainly wandered around trying to help with various tasks but ended up having so little to do I got cut pretty quickly. It was sort of entertaining to go from room to room and observe people networking. Its the podcast industry, so some of the lamest people in existence. ‘We are delivering audio content in terms of long form narrative seperate from audio books and providing data on the full stack of user experience for content creator analytics’ and stuff like that. Not much else to say about the day but my back is killing me and I need to go back to physical therapy.
My friend the previous day reminded me it was Mardi Gras so I realized it was going to be ash wednesday. I have been meaning to go to St Patricks Mass and this was a good time to go because I had therapy nearby right after the noon mass was going to be ending. I went in the building and was very impressed. I dont think I recall being in anywhere where the ceilings were that tall besides the stadium in LA I used to work at. I loved being in there. The mass itself was a fine service, and I took communion despite not really being allowed to. Its hard not to feel reverant in that enviornment. I’m not sure if the spirit of Jesus Christ the son of God suddenly filled my heart but the reflection on my mortality made me consider the direction of my life. I would like to return to pursuing the God feeling, but I’m not sure what the next step on that is. In therapy I talked for a long time about random little plans or projects I had and it definitely did not cohere into anything like a meaning, purpose, or direction.
I spent the rest of the day at the library doing some scanning and trying to learn to color grade videos. I know the very basics of Davinci Resolve now, so thats promising.
I then saw Memoria with my friend. He invited me and I didnt realize it, but I’ve been meaning to see this movie since it came out and people told me about it. Another meditation on mortality, but more cosmic and less dust. I ran into my old roommate from Portland Oregon in the theater whose car I stole in like 2012 while blacked out. not sure if she has anythijg other than a negative view of me but shes my neighbor now apparently. I’m giving up despair for lent, so I wont think about the time between 2012 and now and what I did or did not do.
Feeling off. Band practice this morning. Were no further along to our goals, maybe farther off in fact. Then I did some composing for this background music thing I’m doing for a weird dinner, then I went to a meeting. Feeling disconnected from everything. Been wanting to drink more recently in particular. I feel really unsatisfied and as though I’ve been on the cusp of some mysterious thing that never comes for too long. Need to articulate my goals. I keep wanting them to magically manifest but it doesnt really happen. I’m not having much internal dialogue. It feels like I’m barely here the last day or two. Not sure exactly whats up. Hopefully tomorrow will be better in some way.
Gfs parents are in town. Slightly unfortunate bc I weirdly had like 3 people hit me up to make plans but I went to the Neue gallery with my gfs parents because theyre in town and we looked at the viennese stuff. Good museum, weirdly expensive. The schielles are cool, the klimts are alright. I spent a lot of time looking at the dark ages stuff because it always gives me the sense that humans are pulling themselves out of the mud. Afterwards after her parents left we went to dinner at this girl’s new gallery she’s starting and it was a good art world hang out for a long time. I was really tired and I’m really tired today so I can’t even write that much. I got stuck hanging around a lot of people doing blow which is always kind of stressful.
The 20th was really just me sleeping and cleaning and doing other small tasks. Nothing really too notable. I needed a rest day to recover from sleeping 4 hours a day for a bit and now I should be back, but its hard to feel fully rested and awake in the winter even when I do get enough sleep.
Worked at the hotel the whole day. Pretty exhausting 12 hour shift. Wedding renewal ceremony. Everyone involved was pretty nice, clients and staff included.
My sense of optimism about the job has mostly dissipated. I think now that I know how to do everything its lost its luster. It took only two shifts after training for it feel routine. Not sure what that tells me about what my next pursuit of paid work should be, but its useful information. Still nowhere near as dreadful as the idea of going back to the print shop full time.
Beyond that, Nothing horrible happened but I didnt get a chance to eat except for random food off of peoples plates after they were finished so I got a terrible headache by the end and felt extremely tired. One guy is cool and really nice, George, one guy is really nice but really annoying, Ian. Met another AV guy, whose name is Magic. I had heard about Magic and how hes offputting, and he was described as dressing very dapperly and wearing really formal shoes. That and because his name is Magic I assumed he was black (racist I guess) but he turned out to be this short weird looking white guy with round glasses. I was very taken aback, but he seems alright. Gave me a weird vibe but I dont want to be judgemental just bc I’ve heard hes annoying. What do I know.
Now that I’ve read mans search for meaning I will admit I’m thinking about it a fair bit. In the morning I tried to write this thing I’ve been working on and failing at, and I wrote a fair bit but I decided I’m gonna save what I have for a different piece and start from scratch. I feel really silly doing writing in this manner when nobody cares and its not that impressive, but I shall keep on going forth up the magic mountain. I did some procrastinating by cleaning my closets which have been unkept since moving in, which felt very gratifying. I was supposed to go to dinner w my gfs parents, but they ended up not being in town yet. I sort of wanted to find something big and wild to do bc I was going to work the next day pretty late, so I texted a number of people and found out my friend was going to a dj stingray event. I went to my homegroup and the only really notable thing is that for some reason I lied about what I was doing that night and used a different reason to explain why I didnt have enough time to eat dinner with them. I shouldve just hung out with them until the show bc I had the time as it turns out but I went home for an awkard period before going to the venue. Not sure why I did that. The show was fine, though it made me feel a bit old. I dont know if I feel very sincere at a techno show these days. It feels slightly embarrassing sometimes, and I notice more wretchedness and stupidity than before, and sometimes I’m bored. I felt calm last night, neutral. I’ve been feeling particularly neutral recently in a number of different settings.
Saw my psychoanalyst guy and he told me to read man’s search for meaning which I feel like is a stereotypical therapist thing to say. Maybe he’s right so I ordered it. Other than that I got a library card and finished putting a print on an etching and tried to make music and went to a meeting and picked up some stuff from the pharmacy and gamed. Slow day where little happened.
Pleasant valentines day. Beginning of the day I just had band practice- first of this group. We were talking a lot about being metal but were settling into a post punk kind of thing because were all small hipsters. Will see how this develops when we actually write material instead of fucking around. Fun to play music with friends. Need to develop more singing confidence. Then I went to eat a really overpriced sushi meal with GF and got her really crazy bonbons and we went shopping for plants and watched In the mood for love. Low key holiday but weve been going all out for other things so it was appropriate. Not feeling particularly neurotic but not feeling particularly ecstatic. Feels in-between things.
Did very little today. Felt exhausted. I took a really long bath and read a little and watched this Polish film called Blind Chance. Its a cool film where it shows three divergent timelines following the protagonist trying to catch a train to warzaw after his dad dies and he stops his pursuit of trying to become a doctor. In the first he makes the train, and in warzaw meets a professor who inspires him to adopt marxist politics. He joins the party and at first does really well, and his idealism becomes a tool of himself and those around him. This was an interesting part because it represented the polish communists pretty even handidly. The beauracracy was portrayed as frustrating and bloated and full of cynics, but the issues were normal political problems rather than psycho judeobolshevik evil or whatever. His activity in the party alienates him from a dissident lover and he runs into problems with his higher ups over his personal life and becomes increasingly jaded. In the second he bumps into a security guard and gets into a fight, thrown into prison, and becomes a dissident activist. He starts publishing illegal materials and hosting meetings, and he gets into various troubles, converts to catholocism, blah blah. In the third he remains a doctor and starts doing very well, starts a nice family and then in the last minute of the film gets in a plane that takes off, and immediately explodes. just goes to show ya
Worked a long shift at the hotel for a dumb popup shop for aging hipster parents. No big deal but tiring. Feeling pretty capable of the job and not very challenged already, but theres still one complicated mixer in the screening room I’m intimidated by. Once I get that figured out I’ll basically be set. Then I went to my friend’s studio to watch the superbowl. terrible game. The chiefs acted without honor and their victory will not follow them into the afterlife.
Pretty full day. Went to the meeting I like to go to on Saturdays and had lunch with some people afterwards. Then I went to some galleries with my friend who had some visitors from Vienna. I saw this show at Jennys everyones been posting pictures of- its a bunch of characters of downtown scene people. Sort of funny and self aware, but also really annoying and makes me think I’m annoying. I felt bad feeling cool for knowing a lot of the people. Stupid. Kieth McNally was on there and I just ate at his restaurant, trying veal for the first time (pretty good stuff). Anyway not to linger on the show, then I talked to my friend Ruby at the store she works at about how Lars Van Trier is good and Aranofsky is bad. Then we went to M23 and saw this show that looked cool at first blush but then turned out to be some extremely tiresome “activist-artist” bullshit. Im embarrassed I didnt peg it immediately. Cast pipes (which supposedly were about pollution??? pipes do not mean pollution) and little urns cast with melted down 5.56mm bullet casings (which the guy kept calling ‘AR 15 bullets’). Pretty lame in the way a lot of didactic and boring art is. ‘Activism’. Anyway, then I went to DJ for two hours at this stupid weed/fashion/porn thing. It was fun to DJ but it was really back to back exposure to some of the most grating tendencies in culture now. Its this cloying and fake permissiveness (hiding distributed and invisible repression) along with this meaningless discursive move towards utopianism. Harm reduction, artist as activist, activist as artist. Horrible. Maybe I shouldnt have moved here. Then I got an expensive dinner with some very loud fairly drunk friends and I’m going home hopefully to sleep quickly bc I’m working early tomorrow at the hotel.
Low key day, got ready for a dj thing tomorrow, met with my sponsor, went to homegoup, watched Cries and Whispers with AA people. I succesfully passed my first motion in an AA business meeting (starting to use the gong in the meditation space we use to signify the end of the 15 minute meditation period). Cries and whispers is pretty crazy. I found it kind of difficult to watch, and worried I just was getting nothing of it, but its sticking with me. By virtue of the intensity of the performances I’m kind of struck with this forseaken red world bergman creates. The only male character of any import, the priest at the last rites, lays bare a kind of hellish Christianity weve all come to know. I’m scared of death, and of pain. I dont want to have the particulars of a life, nor of human connection, but I desperately crave life and human connection broadly. There is no option to have them writ large, I can only touch the specific and the concrete.
Tired with a headache. Went to the practice space to record a song, but my key didnt work, and by the time the guy came to give me a spare I only had two hours instead of 6. Might not have time to finish before valentines day, which was my plan. It was kind of a silly idea. I might be able to rescue something from the session by adding bass and synth at home and being a little creative with the drums and stuff.
Anyway Ive barely eaten but im going to my friends party at her fashion store (?? fashion week thing maybe???) and then I’m going to my friends art opening and then im going to a meeting to see my friend speak. I’m ready to go to bed already. Wish I didnt feel like that so often. Need food and coffee
12 hour day working a S*phia C*ppola x Un*qlo commercial shoot (dont ask me). They had me do some minor stunt driving in a vintage Miata while the owner watched so I think I should have been paid a lot more but what do I know. The miata is weird bc I think it was developed as a vintage throwback car, but now it really qualifies as a vintage sportscar because enough time has passed. The wife of the car owner had a bedazzled ‘I Love Trump’ pin and the husband told me about how his ukranian jewish family had to emigrate here in 1905 via poland (where the antisemitism turned out to be even worse). He also said later that one of his relatives stayed being for a few decades and one of her sons joined the White Army and one joined the Red Army and the mom didnt tell anyone about it until she eventually joined the rest in the US, with her sons conspicuously not joining her. Big world full of history
Fallen off posting here more than I’d like to. Havent been writing much and slipping on remembering some days. Been working on a black metal track and working at the print shop. Started another etching but I still have 3 I need to photograph. Got some materials to make an anti-light box but Ithink I need something for a floor. I also need like a clamp light or something- something I can put a makeshift diffuser in front of. Lamps dont offer an easy way of diffusing. Shouldve figured. Feel a little hopeless when I stop and think so I’ve been avoiding doing that. I opened this book that my girlfriend is reading and she had written some kind of prayer for me and I felt like I couldnt read it because it was private, but it had something to do with me getting opportunities. Shes very wonderful and I also feel like I need to hold hope or get humble lest she feels she must resort for prayer to me, which I’m not sure I deserve.Other than that I dont know, normal stuff. Going to a meeting and then tomorrow doing some kind of work on a shoot - driving I think
Stupid ass day. Depressed again the last two days. Annoying mental problem. Mostly just been practicing black metal guitar and waiting to feel less mentally ill.
Waiting for my sponsor in this coffeeshop weve been going to. Sometimes I get worried hes a loser and the fact that I picked him as my sponsor means I’m a loser, and the fact that he’s a loser forestalls my spiritual growth. Thats probably a very unspiritual thing to think. The really unspiritual part is that I’m jealous of a few specific people who somehow got cool sponsors. Famous or infamous people, freaks, guru types. Whatever. More ways I’m insecure and not as good as others. Need to go out late tonight because I’m working Sunday thru Thursday so this is my only weekend night for a bit and I have to have fun. Im going to a friends’ friend’s studio to smith weapons, so I suppose thats fun.
Went to this psychoanalyst Ive just started seeing and he had me lay down on the coach and talk about my life. Classic. Then I went to this stagehand company I’m supposed to be hired at but who hasnt called me ever for work for a ‘training’ the whole company is doing. I asked about if they forgot about me or I would get work ever and got a noncommital answer from someone with no ability to change anything and then stood around for four hours while I got basic stuff like gaffing and standard pars explained to me. Annoying. I kind of want a job that isnt for dysgenic sub 90 iqs but I’m also supposed to be grateful for what I have
dont have a lot of hope today. not a lot else to add. was at the print shop and it was as gay and annoying and draining as it used to be a month ago
Applied for a new passport in the morning, which is great even though it took over 3 hours. Then I worked on preparing this thing to print/cut/etch tomorrow, because I’m working at the print shop for the first time in a few months. I was sort of hoping to never go back there but the hotel/other freelance work isnt giving me enough hours. Luckily it means I get to do another piece of visual art and hopefully take home some posterboard I need to make an anti-lightbox. The rest of the day was just me going to a meeting and coming home, but I did get new headphones that sound really good, to my surprise, and I felt like I was coming up on a stimulant when I was going over the bridge listening to Powell’s Insomniac. Maybe I’m an audiophile
Feel groggy and shitty. Havent been able to get much done, felt off all day. On the bus to a late meeting which hopefully will make me feel better. Got a tiny bit done on a illustrator for an etching mask im gonna cut on wednesday. Last night was ok, it was a pretty decent reading, refreshing after having gone to maybe 3 horrible readings in a row. Not sure what else to say. Would like to return to an expansive and optimistic feeling but cant manufacture it for myself. Already excited to go to bed
Slow day except I actually put music online, which felt rewarding. Feels good to finish something but it always feels a little embarrassing and pitiful especially because I know noone actually cares about music. Many were very nice about it though and I don’t think its terrible. I’m just going to keep making better and better music is what I decided, even if theres no clear reward for it. Tried to get work and then also cleaning done for the rest of the day to not much avail. Ended up going to a forever mag reading that my friend invited me to. I’ve been on a streak of bad readings (except for that caveh thing but that doesnt count). It was surprisingly good, not annoying. One guy in particular seems to be very popular and I liked what he read. People were being funny and heartfelt. Wish that I knew what I was doing. The more information I receive the less clear it is. Normal stuff.
My friend was still in town and we wandered around for a good long while. We tried to go to a meeting but the M wasn’t running and so we were 30 minutes late. We went and ate and met up with our friend Whitney and had a pleasant time walking around before Kevin had to go to his performance thing his teacher was putting on. I continued to walk around with whitney and accompanied her to various stores and whatnot. Then I met up with genevieve and went to our friends house in harlem where we had french onion soup. It felt like a good day, and then we were tired and went home.
Non eventful day for most of it. Went to meet my sponsor later and then went to a meeting. I saw that there was a protest starting and I happened to have my camera on me so I went to Times square to try to catch some of the action. Thought Times Square already looked apocolyptic and insane and it would heighten any video I might capture. I wandered around trying to find the march and my friend Kevin who I forgot was coming to town texted me and happened to be getting into Penn station right as I was in that area, so we met together to take the train back to Queens (he was staying at a girl’s house who lives a few streets over). We happened to meet right as a march started to go past us. It wasn’t anything too exciting- a pretty small gathering. If you’ve seen one protest you’ve seen em all. (“all cops are bastards” “white supremacy something something” etc).
I feel really differently about this stuff than I did in Portland. My thinking is a lot more clear. Maybe thats aging but I’d like to think I just have more global awareness. At first I felt in some sense guilty that I didn’t think there was any point in the BLM stuff going to downtown portland oregon and getting pepper sprayed. I thought I was missing something fundamental about justice, or sometimes I felt I needed to convince people that they were wrong headed. Now I realize my opinion doesn’t even matter, and that people riot and protest in situations somewhat predictably. I know that a protest doesn’t bring about political change, but it takes on its own logic. It simply isn’t my battle to fight anyway. I just wanted to capture some interesting footage, but I think there were more cameras than protesters at this one, even though it looks like things are getting interesting in the center of times square as I type this (someone was smashing a police windshield with their shoe in a video I just saw).
It was good to talk to Kevin, even if he has similar complaints as usual. We’ve been talking about wittgenstein and nietzche a lot recently for some reason.
So the trip on the 25th took a long time and it was sort of eventful and weird I guess- it was pouring rain and it was just kind of tense in part because we werent totally sure theyd have the pills. Adderall shortage feels apocolyptic in the familiar stupid way everything feels like an eschaton of the morons. The next day (the 26th) I felt really groggy and weird and couldnt focus on much but in the evening I saw this noise guy I like God is War and he was really good. I felt a lot better seeing people I know and like. I made the slight mistake of going to an art opening afterparty afterwards because I thought it would be in a restaurant and low key but it was in a club for 21 year olds. I saw a lot of people who would be creeped out if I talked to them rolling really hard in a room that was adorned with Tron lines on the walls and ceiling. Not really worth staying up late for but I saw some people I liked there too. Now Im going to meet with my sponsor to actually do some real step work, which I havent done in over a year. Hopefully it fixes me and my life and makes God manifest. Guess we’ll see
Graeber lecture last night sucked. Forgot his wife had dreads. Anarchists are stupid basically and the book sounds really flimsy and annoying. Whatever. I have to drive my girlfriend to a pharmacy an hour and a half up long island to get adderall. Going to my first appointment with a new therapist first. and then I’m going to have to get a zip car I guess
Come down with something approximating the flu. Its put me in a bad place and I dont feel the point in writing the diary. Need to prepare for the show I’m playing on the 13th but that feels equally pointless. Probably because I’m sick. Hopefully this year improves soon
Event made me feel quite thrown. Firstly because it was in a dispensary and descending into the room it was pretty thick with pot smoke. I saw my friend Nishan there (and also Andrew YC, but didnt get to say hello). I was getting worried that I was going to become high with pot inhalation and behind me this guy was saying the same thing and also that he just came from an NA meeting. I told him that I had just come from midnite and we talked about it and it made me reassured. the actual reading was basically excerpts from the diary that pertained to the romantic relationship between Caveh and this girl Kathy, who was also reading. Kathy seemed really familiar in her mannerisms, and it took me a while to realize but it was this girl that I had gone on a few dates(met thru hinge or some app) with right when I had moved to New York. It really flavored the whole thing because I knew just a little bit about her, and also the sense of synchronicity around Caveh that almost irks me. I dont know what to make of it but I guess I’ll chalk it up to God or something.
The actual content was interesting I guess- obviously just personal diary and text stuff, and theres stuff to say about the formal elements personal divulgement (irony of saying that here notwithstanding) but the thing I mostly noticed was that it helped clarify what I find frustrating but compelling about Caveh and his work and his philosophy. He had this scene where he was pulling Kathy on a sled and gets frustrated that people’s driveways are shoveled and he asks why do they have to shovel their snow immediately? Why not at least wait until the snow has stopped falling.
He has this childlike innocence he is very attached to, and its attractive and can be really beautiful. It seems he can be childish as well, but for me as an observer I think I get angry at him for having this childishness and feeling so comfortable with it. I strive to retain innocence, but when he asked why people had shoveled their driveways I bristled and thought ‘they have to shovel them because its a liability issue, and people dont want to be responsible for other ppl getting hurt, legally or otherwise’. Maybe its a sign of my being jaded that I think that. Maybe driveways shouldnt be shoveled at all.
Its hard not to notice that this compelling philisophical childlikeness is what ultimately hurt his wife so much that she divorced him, and to notice the throughline with the spate of quite young and small and demure women he has been dating since, who get absorbed in his peter pan outcast gang. Maybe thats me being judgemental, but he does actively invite such judgements on purpose.
Feeling off. Hurt my shoulder. Heading to a meeting and then to this event Caveh Zahedi is putting on to conclude his own daily public (though paywalled) journaling practice. I noticed his post announcing the 50 person event two minutes after he posted it and felt compelled to go because hes doing the same thing as me (as I am literally currently doing right now) and partially inspired this lil project. It’s in a dispencary, which does not portend well. I dont know if I’ll be uncomfortable of pitiful or overwhelmed or disappointed but I’m worried about all of these emotions. Trying to retain the neutrally curious spirit I decided to go to the event with. Should at least be peculiar to witness, which has never harmed me in the past.
I got up and went to this meeting where the lead talked about using heroin to deal with the ambivalence of existence- the grey of not knowing what kind of person to be, or to have been. I rarely feel that I relate that much to people’s reasons behind using but this I really understood. I left and went to a chinese new year celebration and shot videos and then I went home and I’ve been making char siu pork buns/red bean paste buns. Nice way to ring in yet another celebration of a new year. I Ching said I would have an emotional disturbance related to masculine and feminine energies attracting each other, leading to ‘boiling water.’ Hmm. It also seemed to indicate I’m ready to put out music, which I will do by Friday.
Went to an art show that disappointed me. It was bolex footage of the january 6th riot. It was like permitted edginess, which always makes me feel icky. There were also a lot of screenprinted wall works which looked good but didn’t really make me feel the joy of being-in-the-world. I saw the bolex artist later, some trans weirdo. Whatever. I went to another show where two friends had stuff and it was fine, but I started to feel sick. Wanted to go see this band Q play near my house, but the sickness got the better of me and I went home to rest
feel a little off rn but for no good reason. I went to physical therapy and cleaned and read Nietzche today. I’m going to my home group and then going to go to a movie I have free tickets for. Maybe its because I’m reading Nietzche. I am worried Im a bugman, or at best a failing member of the priestly class. I just dont know if I’m a man of action and force and I certainly dont qualify as an Ubermensch. Its making me a little anti-christian and also feel shameful about being an addict and a loser. Ill read cs lewis next or aomething to balance it out
PS
I wanted to say some stuff about Nietzche and AA but I got taken to a popup/art show thing by a guy from the meeting and I had time to kill before this movie so I went and it was very strange. They patted me down for weapons. It was in midtown. Inside there was a booth for a dispensary and also a booth for bondage gear. There were a billion terrible paintings with a mix of Supreme populist, vulgar pop art, memey pornographic, and childish abstraxt. The person who we went with, who was also at the meeting had his photography showint and it was the best thing in the show but still pretty awful. It was sort of sumptuous pictures of a naked woman with a shaved pussy, stark lighting. Uninteresting as pornography and offensive as ‘art’. Strange. I dont like how the show made me feel at all. Hopefully this weird movie fixes me
I stayed up really late and I’m really tired. I ate some ukranian food and tried to read all day unsuccesfully. The party last night was extremely fun and I had a really rewarding time talking to people and it was frictionless and I think I made some good new connections with acquintances and met some new people. Feels good to be in the mix and have a reason to be out and about. Genevieve is very happy with her birthday. It feels like its the start of a new chapter partly also because I had my final training shift of the hotel so I’m a full employee there and I’m hoping that can be close to my only source of income until the event season cools off.
Its all love
Abstaining from an entry today to honor my gilfriends birthday
Pretty good day. I wrote that thing in the morning and then went to my friend Carl’s house to mix music on his monitors and get his advice on it. We got into a nice thing playing guitar together which was promising, as were trying to write and perform guitar music together soon. I went to a downton AA meeting that seems to be kind of the scene right now, which is nice. Next week I’ll hang out and eat with them but I want to get home and go to sleep early cuz I need to be at the hotel very early tomorrow.
Another day where its clearly good that I’ll be working again, though I won’t until Wednesday. My sink also rusted through, so I can’t really cook, and because I’m not working I’m just draining the savings I have with any excess purchases. I’m not really sure what I did today other than finish my book, fall asleep for 20 minutes while listening to Ministry, and started writing a really navel gazy thing that I don’t really know how to describe. I also just now found out that Caveh Zahedi, who long-time Arthur’s Diary Reader’s will know was part of the inspiration behind having my diary be public, also has a public daily journal. His requires a 1$ subscription though, so mine is more pure and populist. I’m a real artist, unlike acclaimed filmmaker and fellow New Yorker going through a divorce Caveh Zahidi. Still can’t decide if I like him or am repulsed by him. I’m about to eat cookies and watch anime. I’ve settled into a weird state of domesticity recently, which isn’t bad, and makes sense due to the fact that I acquired a live-in girlfriend, but I want to be a bit more adventurous again in the near future. We’ll start on Wednesday when its my gilfriend’s big birthday bash, and we will continue thru thursday when I have a really good time and also go to the movies.
Was out really late last night doing nothing particularly worth mentioning. There was some drama thats also not worth explaining but it makes me feel off thinking about presently. I woke up late and immediately went downtown to a meeting where this guy I want to be friends with started talking to me without prompting, which is fun. I had a really annoying lunch with this guy I hate, he was like pretending to work at the restaurant even though hes very obviously never worked a day in his life. I hate this guy, he talks about himself constantly, and is incredibly self satisfied, and is always trying to schmooz everyone in this really slimy way. Classic archetype of a phony that I thought only existed in fiction. Plus hes quite stupid and notably annoying. I got home and had an unproductive few hours of mixing and recording music. Working more next week, definitely for the best even not considering the need for money.
Feel like shit, my back still hurts. I’m really hoping it gets better for next week when I start working again. I’m trynna walk on it a bit bc sometimes that helps. I also feel incredibly tired and maybe sick. I’m generally out of sorts. My house is a mess. Started the year strong but my injury has set me back quite a bit. On the other hand I’ve started compising for this furniture music I’m playing for a party put on by Harvard grads. Maybe it will be my big break. Going to use a lot of shephard scales and plunderphonic style sampling bc its ‘surrealist’. Also I found a way to do rhythmic shephard tones basically and that will be good.
My back hurts really really really really really bad. I’m now depressed because I’m disabled and I don’t know how to fix it. Tomorrow I’m going midtown to a meeting maybe it will fix me, but my physical therapy I started seems to have only focused the pain, and they aren’t getting back to me with the exercises I'm supposed to start doing. Frustrating reality. I was playing switch and listening to lectures on Heidegger and then Nietzche bc they were talking about him (yes I am very annoying) and then I went to dinner and someone said something annoying about Nietzhche and I really wanted to talk to him about it but it was his birthday and also that would have been really weird even if it wasn’t. Making lots of progress on finishing music, now I’m unsure of what to do with it when I’m done. I want life to feel liquid again (or maybe I want to confront real Dasein as it is, not sure)
Woke up really late and just laid there having a headache for a while before I got up and forced some medication down my gf’s cats throat (she had a biopsy and is recovering from it) and went to physical therapy appointment. I probably need a full time job again. Theyre blasting deal or no deal in the reception area. Time feels like its moving slowly and also quickly again. I just noticed the curtis yarvin shakespeare lecture was 5 months ago. No idea what happened since then but I think a lot. Need to finish this music and put it out and work on something else. Cant wait for something to happen but something does need to happen, just not sure what it is until it does.
Went to a meeting last night and got lunch with AA ppl and then went to a party celebrating the epiphany even though that was three days prior. It was pleasant actually. Then I Went to Gutes’ party at this bar the river and it was fun and I saw friends but people were being very badly behaved and I had to contend with some very drunk people. Attention whores etc. Trendy. I saw Jack Donoghue singing along to chief keef as I was leaving. I was very tired today but got some mixing done.
Forgot a few days even though I explained this public diary to a group of AA ppl two days ago. Not much has happened. Mainly I hurt my back and got a psych and also physical therapy appointment in order to be more reality based and solution oriented for the new year. My nose is running and the train is late. Also I’ve gotten my studio set up mostly with a pegboard and boxes to sort everything. Now I just need shelves and we’ll have a lean production enviornment. I feel a little nauseated. Going to an epiphany party today, which is odd because the epiphany holiday was three days ago.
Another day where I’m not working and just try to get shit set up. Spent the whole morning getting an application in to get a replacement for my birth certificate, because I learned (at my passport appointment) that they need an original and not a copy. Also emailed my wife, who said she would send me the original original, but only time will tell (also hopefully she will also send the marriage certificate like I asked so we can get divorced, but she has to put down the foil long enough to get that in the mail so who can say for sure). I also cleaned and made progress mixing some music.
Also my girlfriends cat had surgery, so it was a bit of a fiasco getting something that would fit over her to protect her stitches. Shes wandering around all fucked up from anasthetic and very pliable, and we had to try a couple different cat outfits because the cat recovery suit provided by the vet didnt fit. We have a little dog sweater from petco that seems to be working and shes stumbling around acting very cute. Praying for her and for us and for me and for everyone. Lord make me a channel of thy peace
The main thing that happened, besides cooking all day, was that I yelled at my therapist for being retarded. She recommended me this book called the ‘Defining Decade’ about how if you dont figure shit out in your 20s its too late for you. I asked if the book was about how if you dont figure shit out in your 20s then its too late and she said no, and also kept not understanding what I meant when I said self help nonsense is annoying bullshit. She kept saying ‘you have to read it to tell me why its wrong’ or whatever. I skimmed the whole thing which honestly took 20 minutes and I was infuriated to learn that not only is it worse than I thought and it was a really stupid book that also reminded me that because I fucked up my 20s it was too late for me. Either way its something I already knew in my 20s, I just failed to properly address. Being a drug addict took all of my time and and energy and I failed to get sober so it is too late for me. I dont want apologetics for my life anymore. I dont need people to help me pretend something really crazy is going to happen that will make it as though I was never a gargantuan failure. I would like to start for once living in reality, as painful as that is.
I will say afterwards I went to this AA meeting and this girl’s lead was all about how the rules dont apply and she got really succesful as a musician after she turned 30. I truly dont know anything or how to live in reality, but I do want a new therapist
Best day of the year so far. I think I’m fully healthy at last. I woke up really late for some reason and went to the gym and submitted hours to start working again and then cleaned and recorded some music. Also cooked some pork. Gaining the weight I lost over my illness back. Trying to find a way or a thing to focus on completely until I see results.
New year. I was too sick to go out last night but somehow impossibly I didnt really care. New years has really negative associations with it, partially because I was always really bad at drinking in public, and the sense that I needed to drink more than usual was not a good pressure for me. I had a fortuioutis I Ching reading, which implied my labor would finally bear fruits. Today I was still somewhat sick and am trying to rest in order to finally recover, but now I feel fairly downtrodden. Work keeps saying it will start up again in full, but in the meantime keeping myself busy makes me feel as though im repudiating a lie to myself that my time is worthwhile. I have no wnergy. Things will be better both when Im healthy and my schedule has commitments on it again. Soon
Happy new years. Still sick so not going out. Making black eyed peas and consulting the I ching and taking a bath until midnight
Starting to feel better. First day back in new york, cleaned the house and planned to leave and go to a meeting and be normal again but then I got struck by a debilitating fatigue and nausea so I fell asleep and went to a zoom meeting. I also watched The Sun by Sokurov (watched Moloch two days ago).
This last week feels very stupid and like I’m still wasting more time. The hotel wants to schedule me for regular hours and the vinyl shop says theyll have more work so my weird unemployment period is ending at the right time before I start actually getting broke. Need something big to happen, but being sick is making it so nothing at all happens. Returning to meditation and prayer tomorrow.
been bad about updating but fairly sick. flew while covidy which may be evil. will describe christmas in austin more at length holistically tomorrow
Still very sick on boxing day. Substack has a thing where you can see how many people got an email, how many people opened it, how many people than clicked a link. Only like 3 people opened it from email but a lot from twitter and I also lost one follower. Kind of wish it didn’t tell me but anyway. Maybe I should optimize and write more instead of just doing this diary. Feeling stuck and unsatisfied in my life and I want something big to happen to make up for everything that came before it. Makes sense I’m feeling like this as I am trapped in my parents upstairs room.
I have covid it sucks ass. I’ve been stuck in my parent's upstairs bedroom. I feel like a sickly inbred prince kept away from the matters of state by the court. I feel like death. My head hurts too much to write too much, but I’m very frustrated. I knew I shouldnt have come. I’ll be trapped here at least until the 29th and my girlfriend is sick alone. I was all so I could see my idiot extended family, but its not like they really like me anyway. I just can’t say no to my mom. Its something I’m working on. I was such a bad son for so long but I need to push back now or I end up in situations like this.
Watching love actually with my family in Austin. Concerned I’m getting sick following my covid exposure. I may wake up very sick tomorrow and be stuck here for almost a week, and have to buy a plane ticket in anticipation of getting better. Don’t have a lot of mental energy, but being here with my family makes me feel really strange. I want to be a little boy again and make better choices, or at least stronger ones. I need to make a strong choice now, but I don’t even know what choice i could possibly make
I’m in Dallas, TX. I’m very tired and my back hurts. I wish I had more energy to describe my family. It was my Dad’s side, a bunch of normie conservative wealthy texans. Everyone kept asking what I did in New York and I tried to explain all of my jobs. I wish I had thought of a better answer before I went in to the whole thing. My cousin explained his job to me, which is rent seeking on the fact that truckers need their invoices filled immediately in order to refuel and resupply, whereas retailers don’t want to pay invoices out to truckers for 30-60 days.
My mom got drunk and was being really emotional, but fairly sweet. I met my cousin’s new fiance. I also talked to my lawyer cousin about his parents (my uncle and aunt) and about how he, because of his worsening parkisons, is obsessed with building a realistic full scale model of a plane cockpit to create a flight simulator, but the room that he has been building it in is becoming infected with bed bugs, and he’s increasingly becoming a hoarder. The strange compromise theyve reached is that he wears these kind of hazmat pants and he’ll sneak in there, and if she catches him she gets pissed and sprays poison in a circle around him and onto his pants. Really weird and sad. Also apparently he broke her arm in some kind of tussle, but he has parkinsons, so even that part strikes me as odd. I don’t know, maybe I should go see them for myself, but I’ve never been very close to them at all.
122222
Tomorrow I’m going to Austin for christmas. Today was weird bc Gf tested positive for covid but I tested negative. Her tummy really hurts :(
I dont know if its responsible to fly but I have a negative test and no symptoms. I guess we’ll see.
Mentally doing well, though exhausted. Finding it easy to stay on task even without hyperfocusing. Might be medication might be good lifestyle shifts. I’m going to this meeting on tuesdays and its full of sort of awful bushwick losers but its really convenient so i think ill keep going. One guy is kind of nice but hes a dweeb. We shall see
Feel weird even though I’ve done everything correct today so far. Got some stuff done now I’m going to go to some FiDi bar to see some friends because its really high up in the building, which should offer a good view. Suddenly feel strange and tireed which I didn’t really expect. I think writing this thing is making me feel strange- not sure why I’m doing it, not sure if its any good. Normal feelings. Probably will feel better later on tonight but really would rather not be out that late.
Woke up late and immediately went to meeting, which was surprisingly nice. Saw someone I’m becoming friends with. I did a bit of christmas shopping (now I only still need to get something for my sister, something for my girlfriends parents, and something for a white elephant exchange).
I came home and wrote for several hours. Writing is very slow going, but I’m becoming better at actually producing words, which is what writing is all about at the end of the day. I could be at a party my girlfriend went to. I know I’ve met the girl whose throwing it (maybe its her birthday?). Some trans art girl. Seems nice enough but I’m exhausted, my back hurts, I need still to catch up on sleep. I’m having an ok time being at home alone now, which recently has been hard for me, so that is promising. I don’t feel the usual discomfort I feel when I neglect an opportunity even if I know I would feel just as uncomfortable there. Promising. Still feel a bit trapped by the circumstances of my life but having a good amount of success simply not thinking about it and waiting until something changes.
Sunn O))), unsurprisingly, was an amazing musical act. They really struck upon something so pure and avant garde. Its so compelling to be up against sound in such a physical way. The tones are gorgeous and the harmonic interference is fascinating enough to listen to for the entire time even with no melody rhythm pr harmony to speak of. The whole thing where they wear robes and are firmly in the metal tradition always struck me as funny but tonight I could see how they fulfilled the heavy metal artifice of paganitic ritual. I watched a lot of people worshoping an incarnated presence summoned by the amplifiers, and the band is obviously a priestly intermediary. Great act. I thought a lot about what my guitar practice will look like in my new band and the furthest I’ve got is to use ableton as a multieffects processor. Somewhere between vini reilly, sunn o))) and shoegaze but fully digital. I think I have a nugget of something there but I need a guitar to find out.
Extremely tired, was out till like 5 last night. Now going to go see Sunn O))) perform in redhook with my NA sponsor. Very ready to be pulverized by noise. Hopefully I wont have any thoughts for a few hours and come out tabula rasa. Drinking a white monster currently
Slept very poorly last night. Went to a friends party and it made me feel alienated. I got shouted over a lot. It’s hard to manage being at late events when I don’t myself drink, and have trouble leaving as early as I probably should. I tried to nap today but it didn’t work. I wrote a good amount for this story I’m trying to finish by christmas, and applied to some jobs. One good lead is stalled for very irritating reasons and I find it frustrating. I skipped a meeting I had originally planned on going to, but I called my AA friend for an hour and talked about his brother’s MS diagnosis and sobriety and whatnot so I feel less guilty than I might have otherwise, though I still should have probably gone because napping has not been succesful. Soon I will actually leave the house and go to a party I have a free ticket to- benefits of dating an it girl. I have no idea if it will actually be enjoyable, but its close enough to my house that I can leave if there is no reason for me to stay.
Welcome, dear reader… to my nightmare.
Basically today I putzed around at home and wrote this christmas story for a while and then I went to the gym. I was starting to get worried about how unemployed I am right now and how I will run out of money, but it seems like I have a promising lead on a job. Wont jinx it but more will be revealed one way or another. Then I met up with my friend to load his drums into a new shared practice space. Curious to see precisely what I do with it but its a boon to have access to real drums and loud amps in any capacity. Its also extremely cheap so its worth it no matter what.
Now I have a few holiday parties to go to both today and tomorrow. I’m hoping to have a good time because I’m not in the terrible mood I’ve mostly been in the last few months
Last night as I was thinking strongly of falling asleep I remembered to write an entry, but reasoned out of it because I figured I could miss a day, but I didn’t realize I had missed two. I guess noone is actually keeping track but it does bother me when I miss any. I didn’t do much of anything, applied to two jobs. Tried to write this christmas story off and on. I started watching this weird dutch art critic pseudo tv show my friend and gym partner told me to watch. I’m finding it difficult to do anything other than consume. Depressing, but I’m trying to remain positive and also ascribe it to the entry of winter.
Oh the other thing is that I intended to tell my therapist that I hate her, but found myself unable to, so I just had a dejected session where she once again recommended annoying advice and books with cloying sounding titles. I’m considering reading one in order to tell her why precisely I think theyre less than useless. Not feeling very sure of myself or my opinions. I think I can’t allow myself to be in the house during the day. Need more work. Need salvation. Wish I felt god again. I hope something is around the corner.
Normal Sunday. Woke up kind of late, deliberated on going to this meeting, decided to go even though it was starting to rain. Ate rugala. Going to meetings has been helping. I’ve gone to one a day for four days now and I feel pleasantly centered. I’m going to try to stay committed to AA and ignore my attempts to construct my life according to my will a little bit. I don’t know what else to do, nothing I do of my own volition seems to be productive or useful, but simultaneously holding fast to sobriety and turning to God seem to always be in my favor.
After, I got home and recorded one track and am almost done with another, but went to a dinner with two other couples we had planned. Italian place. It was pleasant.
Yesterday G’s friend came in to town so we cleaned the house. I didnt do too much else, felt very tired. Partly because the repair crew fixing whatever caused the electrical fire/gas leak woke me up. After her friend got here we went to this weird art event downtown. It was ostensibly an auction but when I got there the main thing I noticed was that this guy was doing a ‘performance’ with an LRAD machine. He went on this long annoying diatribe explaining LRAD machines, which are basically common knowledge, with first paragraph of wikipedia level facts, and kept throwing in these gay asides about how bad weapons are and implications about how much he loved peace and love. Anyway then he said something to the effect of ‘Imm going to use this crowd dispersal pseudo weapon to unite us- if you want to be united- in dance- maybe you dont want to unite with people- thats also fine’ and played lame music through it. Everyones had that stupid idea to play music through an LRAD, but noone wants to waste 8,000$. I guess he used a large materials budget from a grant or residency to acquire several of them. Some people have all the luck. Then we went to a new unopened gallery and hung out in the unfinished room with some people we knew. I have to diversify my social engagements slightly. I’m stuck in Genevieve art world rut a little, which is fine, but I need to branch out for a wider perspective, lest I start trying to buy a non lethal weapon and speechifying to a captive audience about it.
Woke up kind of late, but got some good work done on music then went to a meeting, where I volunteered to be treasurer for the next year. That’s good I guess. Then I went to this puppet show? Bread and Puppets, which is apparently a storied theater troupe from the hippy 70s in Vermont. It was equally neat and fun and well performed and cringe and crunchy and retarded. It started with a down syndrome kid with a sign hanging on him that said ‘Ophelia’ performing the Hamlet ‘To Be or Not to be” — so was he ophelia or was he hamlet? Either way they were sort of good at making cheap puppets and also performing, but not at interpreting or creating texts. They should do a revue show instead of pseudo dramatic experimental theater.
Le sigh. couldnt sleep last night. got seldom done today. no jobs coming up, slightly concerning. havent been able to get any work done on anything really. music Ive been making isnt working either. Its possible im just a failure but time will tell
Least bad day of the week so far, though my back hurt too much to pick up a 40$/hr shift I could use. Worked on website, applied to jobs, cleaned my house.
I had plans to go to this film, and about an hour before I left a bunch of fire trucks showed up and all these firefighters started running around, maybe 20 in total. They had these long sticks they were putting inside the manholes and they would beep. There was some kind of gas leak under the street. Everyone was standing around watching it. Fun stuff, lots of action. The firefighters were very non committal about whether or not we should evacuate, but they said our house was unaffected. Hopefully it will be resolved by the time I got back.
Film was ok. Semi-documentary semi fiction about Palestinian foragers who are subjected to byzantine laws by the israelis for harvesting zaatar and akkoub, which are both traditional sources of subsistence. Accodentally stayed for the Q&A and heard some dissapointing liberal drivil about settler colonialism and state control, but thats to be expected. The film had very cool drone footage of palestinian villages, which is the thing I will most remember I believe. Need a drone
Groggy. Less bad than yesterday but still wasteful. The problem with today is that I’m becoming sick. It feels like the early drudge of winter now. Holiday season. Wish I felt more optimistic.
I crashed from being sleep deprived and jittery. I dont really know where the day went but I read some and applied for jobs. I was lying down in bed the entire time because I felt I needed to rest my back- after work yesterday I was having bad back spasms- but I felt so tired so hopefully I can be more upright tomorrow. It feels bad to not be able to work on the many projects I would like to make progress in, which I will resume tomorrow.
So essentially I am doing and feeling much better than I was a few days ago. Really noticeable difference. Today I went to this hotel I’m starting to work A/V at. I ran the boards for this 16mm film screening done by Mono No Aware, which notably, I have a pamphlet from and was considering taking classes through.
During one of my recent manically desperate fantasy of becoming a film director I had picked up something of theirs advertising classes at this theater I saw Decision to Leave at (I thought it was unfocused and a little incoherent, but visually progressive).
The thing about them is that, in addition to their really cringy name, they teach people to shoot 16mm on Bolexes and that whole thing feels slightly outdated to me, and for lack of a better criticism it just strikes me as some bullshit a hipster would do. I’m always worried about being a hipster, but I feel less worried about it after the screening because (shockingly) the audience of this Queer Black Poetic Horror Short Shot in 16mm Screened in Williamsburg was filled exclusively with quintessential hipsters, but it reinforces my disinterest in their program (though the rundown the director gave me of their available equipment was arousing).
Anyway after the screening all these hipsters hung out and drank, and we started to notice that the hallway was smelling increasingly like burnt plastic. My good friend Carl who is the main av tech opened the gear room and a hot breaker was discovered. The fire department came and shut off the breaker and we had to kick everyone out and Carl had me leave because now the hotel is in a bit of a crisis and needs to figure it out so theres no use in having me there.
My back is completely fucked now, but I don’t want to get into it and theres not much to say other than I will try to rest tomorrow.
I’m feeling pretty out to lunch and wazzed and discombobulated, but much much better than two days ago. Despite occasionally severe back spasms I decided that the little adventure would help me so I did the Princeton trip. I started lexapro and shockingly its started to have some kind of effect already. Feels a bit like coming up on acid- seretonergic. I felt speedy the first few days on wellbutrin. I’m so sensitive to chemicals now that im clean, which tracks well with the fact that I’m an addict. I’m certain it will go away shortly and I will feel not much until it starts working, and then hopefully I will just feel less horrible about my dismal life until I make my life less dismal. Anyway I’m trying to stick with it going out to a few parties. Hard to do so sober but I will try to have the best time in spite of it all
Back is still fucked but had a better day. Slightly productive and yelled at my psychiatrist for being retarded and she gave me SSRIs so maybe that will help. Going to Princeton for the night for some reason, going to see two people I like and a few I don’t know. Tomorrow I was invited to the russian baths so with any luck it will heal my strained glutes by tomorrow night.
Back is fucked, cant stand sit or walk. Complete despair- black night of the soul stuff. Not able to take care of myself. Hate everything about my life. Therapists aren’t materializing, jobs arent materializing. Wish desperately I could drink. Taking several benadryl because there are no good or useful thoughts coming for a while. Hopefully when I wake things will be slightly better, all I can really hope for.
A fun cycle I’ve been on when I’m not working (which seems to be more and more days of the week) is
1. Start to apply for jobs, tinker with my CV or website
Get overwhelmed by how much of a failure I am and feel paralyzed
Realize I need better mental health, so I try to fix my insurance issue
Start calling or emailing insurance/psych stuff, get really pissed off by how annoying it is
Cant stop freaking out and get overwhelmed so I go to the gym
hurt myself bc im being emotional and stupid
anyway I hurt my back and everything feels particularly gay. full of regrets from the recent and also distal past. Wish things had turned out differently
My tooth started really hurting last night, and I got in for an emergency root canal today- very expensive and very painful. I cant really eat so I feel fried and bad and also my jaw hurts. It feels like recently its all been setbacks and I’m falling farther and farther behind some mark. I really need more work, though I got approved just in time for a credit card (otherwise this dental thing would also be financially critical). Hoping to be good tomorrow and get a lot done and feel better again, but I just have to take things as they come. I really did need to fix this tooth, and its just another consequence of smoking meth and being homeless and shooting dope for so long I’m resolving, so it is a positive step forward in that way.
Yesterday I was bad, today I was good. I got up relatively early and meditated and immediately tried to be productive all day. Nonetheless I was beset with consistent setbacks. First I tried to clean the house fully, landlord had to shut off the water the moment I began, which set the tone. I havent been able to shower for two days as well now, so I feel disgusting. I got a little writing I had to do started, and then wanted to apply for jobs, but I got caught up trying to get a root canal scheduled. Long story short is that I've been being fucked on this referal, and I only just now tracked down who has been not doing their job correctly, but because its been so long its starting to become very painful, so I need to switch the referral to an emergency endodonist or else wait until next year. Extremely irritating- was on hold most of the day. Anyway I fixed my resume up but havent actually applied to any jobs, and havent actually cleaned, and havent actually finished anything. Feels disheartening. Found a new meeting next door to my house but it felt slightly alienating going. Havent felt really hopeful in a really long time, and becoming despondent over it. Maybe its just that my tooth hurts. Its certainly not helping my mood. Consultation tomorrow, hopefully fixed soon thereafter. Hopefully my life gels into place shortly after that.
Was good yesterday and bad today. Yesterday I went to gym, meeting, went to Sunset Park to take pictures (but couldn’t recreate the magic of being there at sunset before, couldn’t find the industrial mise en scene I first encountered), watched a movie, went out. Today I was going to be productive and then wasn’t. Besides cleaning all I’ve done is watch television. I will say I’ve been struggling to do nothing and it came fairly naturally today, so it might be good for once that I just binged this tv show. Enlightened, from 2011. It has an accurate depiction of a rehab facility, which is rare. Its from the guy who made the White Lotus and you can see how theyre related- it has a kind of critique or send up of do goody liberals. It isn’t exactly negative towards them, which I like. Anyway, White Lotus is what happens when everyone starts agreeing with you. Its boring. Yeah yeah, liberals are dumb. Yeah yeah, class politics. Yeah yeah being non binary is cringe. Don’t care.
Brain isn’t working at a high velocity due to watching tv all day. Need to write something for my friend’s band but I’ve had writer’s block. Doing this substack was supposed to help with that.
Thanksgiving. Sleepy, napped twice today. Families met. Everythings fulfilling a stereotype. Going back to new york tomorrow
dont have a lot to say. swam in the chesepeake today and walked around with my family. Not doing a lot these days, I suppose its bc im on a vacation of sorts. focused on being nice to my family. feel fairly out of sorts and disjointed, but not the worst I’ve felt recently. me and genevieves families will meet tomorrow, which will be pleasant and good i think.
these kinds of family get togethers make me feel very trapped in my tract in life, which I have a feeling will continue to be dissapointing. I worry its too late for me to get off of this path and a full serving of regret is inexorable. trying to turn to god and finding it challenging recently.
I’m in maryland with my family. I’m not from maryland but my mom wanted us all to meet on the chesepeake for thanksgiving, something about a lot of us living in the east coast and also a promordial attraction within her WASP blood. Its going well and not terrible. Soon, on thanksgiving, Genevieve’s family will come be with us as well, and that will be interesting. I felt really bad all day today in my mind - riding the bus, thinking about how I was old and a failure, and I had already missed the opportunity to have a good life. I feel better being around my family, which is shocking. They wont let me drive the rental car to buy G some pads, but this is a minor annoyance. I find myself being animated and funny around them, even in spite of myself.
We ate a fancy restaurant that wasnt very good, which is something I was sort of prepared for. Food is rough in touristy areas, and this seems to be either fisherman country or old historic buildings WASPs like to rent out. Not much else to say currently. An uber driver in baltimore told us about how she used to eat loam during her childhood in south carolina. I asked her if she still thought she would like the taste and she said she would ‘fuck the shit out of some dirt’ still if she was more feral. Strange woman. Wearing a bindi
Woke up with an awful fright that I wasn’t special and I would die in obscurity and I have already wasted all of my significant opportunities, which is of course basically true. The things I feel insecure about are one of the things I most dislike about myself currently. They mainly strike me immediately upon waking- I realize yet again that I am pathetic and insignificant and also that this realization and mental obsession is precisely why I am that way- my pathological self interestedness is what keeps me small minded and deeply repulsive or whatever. Its why nothing has worked out and I havent tried to make anything work out, really. It’s why other people get things I want and I can barely tread water. I wish I didn’t think that way, but I do.
I went on twitter, which I shouldnt do while still in bed (or ever) and I was sort of half reading about these people that wanted to shoot up a synagogue or something and I saw that they went to St Patrick’s Cathedral before their deed (which I guess was stopped, but didn’t really read the article). I used to stream St Patrick’s mass so I did it again upon realizing that it was exactly 7AM, which is when it starts. I hope I’m turning to God again, in whatever form. It’s been hard to feel his presence in my despair, which is unfortunate because as far as I can tell that is a really useful time to feel his presence. It feels very ungodly to be so concerned about being special, so I think if I can increase my religious conviction it will help my mood overall, which will also help my general effectiveness as a person.
My friend who I think is still on meth was posting a lot this morning about his ex, who is desperately trying to become famous and is also desperately borderline. I met her when she was doing this poetry reading stuff in new york and I was supposed to dj two of her parties and she replaced me both times. She gave up on poetry for mysterious reasons and is trying to be a pop star. My half completed projects never got as far as hers, which makes me insecure. I don’t like how fundamentally similar I am to this weirdly insane woman. I want the same thing, basically. I want strangers to acknowledge me and tell me I am special and worth something and I don’t know how to exorcise this desire which will almost certainly go unfulfilled at this rate. The other option is to become so supremely talented that I am flung to the heights of society and lauded by the whole world, but this seems like something I don’t want to peg my emotional well being on.
I wish I had more time to fail, I feel as though I’m running out. I’m getting more and more worried about what this narcissistic self hatred will do to me. I have found ways of getting rid of it, but they basically are just distractions from this nagging tumescent mental malignancy which I can only keep at bay. It’s embarrassing, really, the stuff that makes me feel bad.
Going to meet my family in Maryland today and I think it will be incredibly annoying, but it will take me out of this cycle and be less distressing than the thoughts I think all on my own. I will see shortly I suppose.
It’s actually the 22nd but I forgot to post yesterday and I will be on the bus for a lot of today so I will have time to make another post.
Too depressed to go work for the gay sex app clothing line. told them I was booked. Too depressed to buy jeans that my mom wants me to buy. Too depressed to apply for jobs. Watched bad tv all day and got really frustrated but at least I’m able to sit still
Feel weird and bad today but going to my new friend’s film screening I have a lot of cathexis put into, which feels good.
Update! The film screening was bad, which was a big concern. I went originally to network or something, but there was a Q and A afterwards and I couldnt stomach it so I left- I was with this older artist and her friend who I know from the program, and they were ranting and raving about how terrible it was, how self indulgent and pointless, and so on, and I tend to agree. They were all diary movies, so supremely navel gazey and self involved, which I suppose is a common artistic problem these days, nonetheless it was frustrating and discouraging to experience. I still want to make films but more than that I want to make little movies and not whatever video autofiction I just saw is. All things must have a purpose, and the elements should be minimized unless they serve the purpose.
November is moving really quickly. It’s cold. I just went to me de facto AA home group after a multi week sabbatical. Its getting more zoomers now. It’s weird zoomers are in AA and NA. I’m old. It is what it is. I guess I felt good going. I talked to a guy about his hoodie (i recognized it from the internet, and he said ‘Dustin’ had given it to him personally, whoever the fuck that is) and I wish I had gotten his number, but I didnt for no good reason. I will see him again presumably. I know which meeting he’s always at actually, so maybe I’ll make him be my friend. Going to this guy Cole’s house whose apparently my neighbor and is some kind of tender guitarist I dont know well. Maybe I’ll make a lot of friends there.
Feel really moody for unclear reasons. After the 16 hour shift they didnt have me back because they had already booked another driver, and I hadnt scheduled anything else so I tried to do nothing. I wanted to watch the Guillermo del toro tv show but I had to replace my laptop speakers(this woman is leaning her body into me on the train rn its very irritating but its crowdes) and I had gotten new ones delivered yesterday. I started to take my macbook apart and it was fairly frustrating to begin with (they are of course designed to be this way but I didnt want to pay the 300$ to get it serviced). I had to run out to get another tiny weird screwdriver and i was being lazy on top of that so the whole thing took me until 4PM and when I finished I couldnt actually get the left speaker to work at all. Not sure the problem but I felt really irritated and it ruined my mood. I went to the gym for about two hours but it didnt take- I didnt really get the elation I was hoping. I got upset because I think I might be doing everything right but I’m barely able to keep myself content (this woman is basically leanint into me but theres an open seat now so I moved). I’m just terrified of the idea that my mood is this much upkeep for no real sense of well being, just mantainance. I dont think thats true exactly, but presently I spend 100% of my time looking for work, working entry level freelance jobs, or mantaining whatever serenity I’ve scratched out after quitting heroin and meth. I went to an art opening and felt supremely alienated immediately. Not sure why besides the obvious weirdness of being at an art opening. I think the people I went with were taking drugs of some kind bc of something someone said but I couldnt really ask, and then I watched them drink at dinner and become more boisterous and it made me feel low and hopeless. I wish I could drink. I wish I could do drugs so badly. Its truly all I’ve ever wanted. It can no longer even be my goal to feel good, as that will kill me quickly. I love God and I’m asking him to take whatever this is from me. Going to a meeting right now and it better fix me or I will be irritated
I’m in the pottery barn on W 20th right now waiting to pick up a set of sheets this commercial shoot needs. Its a gay sex app (I think) making an ad for a clothing line theyre starting. Theyre calling me, the only heterosexual male on set, the ‘Slay PA’. Theres a bunch of ripped dudes in Santa costumes wandering around (Oh yeah, its holiday themed i guess- someone pissed in a turkey yesterday). The scene they were shooting before I had to run this errand was one where Santa comes into the room and asks ‘Who is on my naughty list?’ or something, and a gaggle of gays start going ‘me me me me!’ in chorus. Extremely funny thing to witness, this whole shoot.
God took away my fear of driving the truck this morning, I hope that he sees fit that I dont fuck anything up. Its a big truck
I was shocked to just now realize I missed 3 entire days. I haven’t been feeling very inspired, but I have a vauge sense I’ve been working hard. Both of these things contribute to me not posting on here every day. I feel very tired currently and I have to get up early tomorrow to go pick up a truck for a production gig (which is an exciting development, though I have anxiety around drivin big trucks). Hopefully this is my gateway into production roles which will be my gateway into learning how to make the most beautiful film ever made. Was at the gym earlier with Sam (who often reads the substack) and we were talking about autofiction most of the time. Firstly its funny to be talking about autofiction while at the cables in planet fitness, but secondly I worry what I’m doing is an autofiction project. The saving grace is that very very few people read this.
I’ve been spending about 15% of my waking life repeating really loudly in my head “God is real” over and over again to drown out unpleasant thoughts and its been shockingly effective, if not for my spiritual development then definitely for my mental health.
Hosting a dinner party. It’s early 20th century glass architecture themed. I made a playlist of late romantic music and I’m waiting for everyone to arrive while wearing a suit. Nervous for some reason. Not fair that I can’t drink. Feel displaced and odd. Maybe it will be really fun, I guess I don’t know yet. Should have written this earlier but I don’t have much time and also I can’t think so thats it for today I guess
end of this work week. kind of grueling day making stuff for the one world trade center ‘onederland’ christmas party. We were mainly making faking gingerbread trees (a simulation of the gingerb
as I was typing that blood started spurting from a cut on my finger i got from my work knife and i had to rebandage it, which was alarming,
anyway the fake gingerbread tree is baudrillardian, was my point. Took a long time and looked ugly on completion (not our fault) which is always demoralizing and I got home exhausted. Girlfriend asked if I wanted to go to a book launch party and I kind of did but I was so tired and it would take a multi transfer train ride and I also got my picture taken by the cobra snake last night so I think I’ve done enough socializing during the week this week.
I’ve also been redoubling my efforts meditating, and switching to a twice a day pseudo Trancendental meditation modality where I use my own concocted mantras for the time being. I cant say its certainly changed my life but the last two days since I’ve been doing it have been notably brighter, I’ve been able to not live fully in resentment and insecurities which have been lately plaguing me, and I’ve had a more distinctive sense of hope, which I havent had in a long time.
I just spent the evening learning this old Wilco song for whatever reason - the first track off Sky Blue Sky. I’m not sure I don’t think Wilco is for tryhard Gen X dads but I got it stuck in my head at some point and it wasn’t too hard to learn, and now I know a pretty song. Probably should learn more piano songs and not just guitar songs for piano but its fine I guess. Hopefully getting better at singing but I still feel very pitchy and unsure.
Will make better diary entries when I’m less exhausted
the woman on the train next to me is reading ‘this band could be your life.’ Indie sleaze might actually be back. No band was ever my life. I’m headed to some kind of fashion thing my friend from college and also AA is doing in collaboration with a famous department store. I’m dressed for work, which means sort of how a child dresses, so I might feel a little silly. Maybe I’ll make a lot of friends. I’m looking at this a bit like socializing practice. Its very low stakes because I predict it will only be people I sort of look at with pity Nd confusion, so I cant really mess up too bad or be too dissapointed, but I’m going alone and I think it will tell my brain something useful and make it easier to be confident in social situations in the future.
had a really bad day at work. work was fine but I was attacked by my thoughts the entire time. I had to do a quick fix on the vinyl outside this store that sells candles that are custom made for your astrology in noho, and I was waiting for the owner to finish telling this group of people with harry potter store bags about how eary leos give feedback to the stores website, but late leos dont, and the generally how the astrological chart of customers affects their ability to enjoy the custom astrological products. I find this second order astrology kind of interesting. their installing a device that reads auras, so hopefully i can one day get myaura read by machine in the noho astrology candle shop
gfs show last night. good time, everyone was nice. felt pretty good to hang out. feel really tired today- woke up before 6 for some reason. Would like to get back into waking up extremely early and writing again because for whatever reason I’ve been waking up really early recently. I talked to at least two people yesterday about god for slightly too long. Wish I had meditated and prayed this morning. Frustrated about how close I feel to losing whatever small peace I hold recently.
met with this program guy this morning to talk about making movies. he had less by way of helping find a way to make money than i had expected and more in how to participate in the film scene, but I dont mind that exactly. I ordered Andre Bazin’s ‘what is cinema?’ when I got back. I would like to make movies because its some other thing I can put self esteem into in the hopes that it pays off, surely only to backfire, and it also is a union of all other foolish pursuits I’ve had in the past. Music, Writing, Theater, Art. Can’t say too much positive about myself when its all considered. Got home in a good mood, quickly got into a very bad mood, then went to the gym and now I feel neutral. Krishna consciousness - ambivelance to good and bad- thats the goal. I’m taking the train to go buy my girlfriend a dinner I probably cant afford and then go to her solo show. I want to excise myself sort of early from this evening so nothing bad happens. Tomorrow morning meeting then going to see a movie with ivy. then who knows
Sort of weird day. I woke up and applied to a bunch of production jobs and then idly thought I should fix something on this personal website I’ve been making and then ended up getting caught in 10 hours of learning next.js
Its embarrassing how long its been taking to learn stuff, but its kind of hard to teach yourself anything along the lines of coding. I feel like I’ve put way more work into it than is visible but its been so much trial and error. I also worry that its yet another project I’m working on to distract myself from other more normal goals. But either way you can look at it here → arthursillers.com
I think if I get it to a good place and get even slightly better at next.js i can put some cool stuff up on there and it will be worth all the effort. Right now its a bit depressing because it only has a few things, and makes me feel like I’ve never made or accomplished anything (which is more or less true). Anyway I’m not writing particularly well and I’m brain-fried so I’m going to stop writing
not much to say. extremely tired. did a bunch of chores today. not enough time in 24 hours ever
Was in a pretty terrible mood while at work today. Was on my phone a lot and felt very trapped in this annoying print shop. After work I took a zip car to go pick up these floor lamps I wanted for our apartment and I was feeling lousy, and I had a big conversation with god, which I do a lot while I’m driving. I mainly apologized for wanting worldly things. I started crying when I passed a suburban 7-11 because it made me want to buy beer so badly. I havent had physical cravings for alcohol, most of my physical cravings are for smoking crack or shooting cocaine for some reason, and often opiates of course, and even those are fairly seldom. After I got the lamps I went to this meeting and everyone was talking about how to clear channels to god through prayer and meditation that are otherwise blocked by fear or anger. I also noticed this passage Id never noticed before in yhe 12x12 step 11 about how meditation allows one to be connected to one’s surroundings and reality directly, which stops you from living in a hostile and alien world. need to dial in meditation and prayer. I’d like to go to one of the many churches surrounding me this sunday if i can muster it
Had a horrible day for non interesting things I won’t get into (finding non anonymity a little stifling at times with this thing). Helped girlfriend’s install and it felt kind of torturous, then I walked home from her studio and felt really sad but I called my friend and he made me feel a lot more hopeful. He said he was more fucked up than me at the amount of time I have sober, which is always kind of what I want to hear. It used to be that I took solace in the fact that I was young, now I take solace in the fact that I don’t have that much clean time. I suppose its plausible I will be thinking that I have more time until and beyond the point it becomes even more too late than it already is, but I don’t know how else to make myself anything other than hopeless. Trying to record music, feel a little foolish. Might do it tomorrow instead and take a bath or something to feel less awful.
Wearing a cape. Its not much of a costume, but its really fun to wear a cape. Last night I was a cowboy but I dont want to risk carrying around my dead grandfather’s seude hat. dont trust myself. going to a show right now. felt stupid all day and insecure about how hard its been for me to participate in basic things, let alone the stuff that excites me. Feel old. I’m seeing this dub producer I really like from the UK who i’m kind of shocked is getting booked. Also john t gast is playing. I’m trying to make music a part of my life but I’m not sure how well its going. Slightly harangued by how hard it is to make friends or acquaintances. Theres one guy I know will be there whose my doppelganger and people always confuse me for, so maybe I’ll try to be friends with him. Need to not seize up socially.
Most of today I spent playing with my new reel to reel recorder, which is a promising and fun tool for me. it sounds good and makes recording the tracks I have so far much easier. In the future I can have them actually mixed but for the time being this will simplify a lot of stuff.
In a strange mood- can’t tell how I feel. Might have taken two of my medication this morning. I mostly just finished this resume today and worked on a few odds and ends and applied to some jobs. I feel good because I dont have anything I really need to do tomorrow, which is the first time like that in a while, plus I’m getting the final thing I need to use my reel to reel so I can do some recording. I feel alienated tho- kind of like I’m in a fishbowl but also more specifically because I turned down this job doing video editing and regret it for some reason, even though I have no idea how to do video editing at all. Also all these AA people are going upstate without me, and now I’m waiting around for this party that I know nothing about. It all just feels stupid. I mostly just wandered around NOHO to kill time after the AA meeting and now I’m eating bad pizza and am going to then wander around some more. Good chance I won’t stay at this party long, but I don’t think I’ll leave in disgrace. Its just better to go home if you arent having fun. Maybe I’ll somehow have the best night of my life. I would like to be put under anasthesia and then frozen and awoken in 3000 years in order to do battle with an ancient enemy only I understand
dont have much to say today i dont think. day started out good I went to the gym and did yoga and picked up a bunch of reel to reel tapes from the post office (annoyingly I forgot to buy a takeup reel and I dont want to just rip out the tape from one if I don’t have to so I have to wait for one to be delivered on saturday before I can even test the whole apparatus). Then I thought I would knock out making a new resume so I can apply for a few jobs, but it took me an unbelievable amount of time, and I’m not even done. I might be like halfway done. I get so frustrated by how long things take. I don’t feel like I have time for anything and just fritter away my days off work running around in circles. I’ve been very frustrated recently and it doesnt feel like things are connecting. Made a bunch of skirt steak today genevieve brought home, that was pretty good. Feel agitated and don’t want to work anymore so I’m gonna stop doing anything productive for a while and sleep and get up early and finish this stupid resume then.
had a really hard install today. covered a block of brick with white vinyl using a scissor lift. felt a little sysiphian but mainly stupid and pointless and demoralizing. all day was in my head thinking about how i’m not participating, not being invited, not good enough, have failed utterly and thoroughly, am hopeless- things of that variety. Also I’m basically broke. I have like 3000 dollars coming in from various places but I have almost no idea when it’s coming. I surely hope it's by the time I have to pay my rent. I also have A/V work to line up which pays pretty well. I might just work every weekend and never go out and see all the people who don’t invite me to things anyway and start waking up at 6am to write the next great american novel again. That was how I spent my entire covid when i first moved to new york. Wake up at 6, stream Mass, write until like 1pm, go to the gym, and then just wander new york. I get sad I wasn’t spending my time having a great time and getting pussy for some reason, but I really don’t know why. you can’t really beat the way I was spending time. Maybe I should just get injured while working and collect workers comp and disabillity and return to that lifestyle. I basically had it all figured out.
I got in trouble at work for clocking out really late last night (finished an install early) and then also being extremely late this morning getting in (despite clocking in right on time). I had pushed it as far as it would go. The honeymoon phase of time theft is over. Need to completely replace that job anyway. I wasn’t told I was supposed to go in tomorrow but I guess I am. Oh well, I need the hours, but my heart really sank realizing I won’t have the day all to myself to get stuff done I thought I had. I’m actively wasting my life every time I go into this job, and I don’t have enough time to do that. I was in a pretty good mood after going to the gym today but I feel like I lost all of that as soon as I realized I was scheduled. I just wish someone had told me so I would have been prepared. I wish people paid attention to me and respected me and I didn’t just have a gay fucking job that I hate and walk around being depressed. I can’t get enough done for people to respect me because I spend so much energy just not going insane doing this gay fucking job. I want to go back on drugs, it really was a great solution. Maybe I can make it work this time
astronomocally depressed again. very frustrating. its like im floating above it. i can tell im bein irrational and negatively narcissistic but its exhausting when these are the thoughts that are being produced. mostly they center around it being too late for so much, all of my past mistakes, the fact that im a loser. its tedious and embarrassing mainly, but its really not helping me. I need to do a lot of things in theory to not be a loser but its hard to do so when I’m depressed about being one. infuriating conundrum which I used to solve with drugs. god i wish i could do drugs. today I worked installing this Shein collobarative popup with some rent seeking payment or lending platform or something. Some protesters came and we told them they were too early and to come back for the actual event and they thanked us and said theyd come back later
parents are leaving. Did substack change the font? Im depressed again and im noticing how much harder it is to make entries while im depressed- which I suppose is predictable. Trying to just stay calm and not care. Going to play magic the gathering at my friend’s house for a while and then probably just go to sleep at like 7? Wish I couldve gone to the gym but its probably for the best because my back has been troubling me. Guy in front of me with a nose ring and a full leather me is reading a recent print paperback of The Stranger and stroking his beard. I’m kind of like that. Yesterday I saw this guy I vaguely know from The Program at the dog costume parade (which was really funny and insane btw) who always wears leather biker pants and like a shaved head and dark sunglasses and an extremely groomed beard and he was smoking a black and mild with someone else just like him who was also smoking a black and mild. I need to stop caring about seeming corny and also stop caring what the lamest people in the world think of me. Fostering an inner sense of confidence is very mysterious in nature but seems strictly necessary or theres almost no point in doing anything. Doing anything is tied in with it though. I dont need the success I envision but I think I need to be esteemable to be self esteemable, but this can look many ways. I should maybe just be more giving in action until I’m more giving in spirit. need to pray more
Did some errands with the car the production had me rent and then returned it along with the equipment. I guess I should feel good about a job well done. I feel a bit of a crash now that I’m back to real life, but a big part of that is is the fact that I haven’t been able to excercise since tuesday due to my back hurting.
My parents are in town, seeing them yesterday was nice, now were going to dinner and then to go see Death of a Salesman. I havent seen a play in a long time, I used to really enjoy them, but then I realized how expensive it is and how hard it is to find good theater. I’m actually pretty excited about seeing the show and I think dinner will be fine. Wish I had more to say but I’m in a bit of a lull. I dont think I took my meds this morning actually, maybe thats why I’m kind of spaced out. At least I know now that they do something
First time I’ve missed 2 days in a row. Not sure why I missed it two days ago other than I was tired after the shoot. The only notable thing was that I saw Eric Andre walking around SoHo while guarding the equipment. The next day(yesterday) I just drove the DP and his stuff to the airport. My back started hurting and I started to feel depressed again, having no stimulation and being really tired from this last week. Today I’m waiting around to pick up the equipment from the airport. I’m back to just fiddling around on illustrator and photoshop, and I dont feel super great, especially with back problems. I’m just slammed back into normal life. I’m also going to go see my parents right now, and them being in town does mean that I can’t continue to train at the hotel job tomorrow, which is dissapointing. I need to keep a little perspective on it, because I just have to humor them for one little weekend and then I’m free again. I’m hoping I will continue to just keep getting work that stimulates me and has me not thinking of myself so toxically, but I still need to figure out the excercise part of the puzzle, as I cant keep injuring my back. Part of it is that I just don’t eat quite enough, which is doubtlessly leading to some injuries, but additionally I need to be more careful generally. I’m gonna see about lining up work for next week now, maybe that will give my life a little more form. I also really need to go back to a meeting, which I havent done all week- cant let that stuff slip- I just don’t have a huge selection of meetings I like presently. Maybe I’ll go to midnight after seeing my parents since I’m going to be downtown anyway.
Shoot was fun, but I couldnt actually be around for them actually rolling the cameras, which is dissapointing. I guess we were interviewing some finance guy about the cost of alzheimers and how great it is to discover a cheap solution (fake) but he gave me his book on crypto (lol). Idk this loser has a PBS show I guess. Also the makeup artist was the daughter of the makeup artist for nixon, and she talked about it the entire lunch. The rest of the day was just driving back and unloading. During the drive I realized I was having a moment of relief from self doubt and narcissism and I started crying, but then this DP started listening to howard stern interviews and the low vibrational energies brought me back to normalcy. Overall feeling good. would like to chase this production stuff and also this sense of adventure and see where it goes. Dont have a better plan currently. They keep extending the days I’m on so that’s pretty promising, but I have no idea if theres any local shooting after this week so we’ll see. Either way its already a heartening experience and i’m gonna have more money coming in than I thought which is critical right now
Much has happened since the last entry. I think where I left off I was going to my sponsor’s opening. I went and hung out with him and it was nice, and then I walked around a bit to see other stuff being made in his MFA program and I knew so many people. I didnt realize how much I had accidentally nuzzled my way into the art world. I felt very popular which felt nice, and I suppose I am actually becoming somewhat well connected in a certain scene, but I don’t know how much that does for me. I also wonder why I’m continuously pushed back into communities of visual artists. I wish I was better at connecting to musicians but the music scene in NY has been slightly impenetrable to me. I guess I need to stop making music and focus only on visual art. This girl victoria floated the idea of paying me to work on some urbit art thing but not only is that already a little suspicious, but shes extremely spacey so who knows, but I will follow back.
Anyway, the wild thing is I got a call from this producer woman and they hired me to work this documentary. Someone got covid so they desperately needed hands, and hired me sight unseen. Im sort of a PA+ which is exciting. I loaded a bunch of equipment into a rental car I picked up and then drove it to Reston Virginia, and were gonna bring it to DC tomorrow to do interviews. I have a lot to say about reston and I wish I had the energy to go deeper, but I worked here doing vinyl for the Microsoft office, so its strange to be a Reston Repeater. Its basically a technocapitalist potemkin village because theyre setting up these offices with this service infrastructure but its not a city with any production history I know about (actually it used be a glass town i think, but anyway) so theres going to be a lot of people who drive in from some suburb (bethesda??? i have no idea) and work in these offices presumably, but theyre mainly uninhavited. then theres also all these service workers who come from who knows where and they staff these corny portland oregon style techy restaurants in this weird made up downtown section that noone is ever at. I ate at a place called ‘ &pizza ‘ where they make theyre pizza crusts long ovals instead of circles for some reason. Also the tallest buildings are these massive parking garages which are mainly barren. Maybe it will be booming soon and I will look like a fool. I really do wish I had more energy and coherance to talk about it but I should just return to it later.
Today I was driving and I started to percieve and have compassion for everyones unique narrative. I saw that because everyone has different circumstances and challenges, we are all actually alike in the sense that we are striving to overcome a difficulty unique to us. In this way its not useful to compare in order to contrast. I think I just felt a large explosion of compassion for people around me. I think my attendance to the idea of krishna consciousness is helping me, and I’m buoyed by the recent sense of adventure I’ve been feeling. also I’ve decided to develop the habit of taking thirst traps, but am too shy to post them so far
working at hotel was great actually, pretty exciting and also something I’m already good at, which feels nice. Real summer camp vibes in there- or I guess that show Party Down specifically. I love Carl, and I love seeing him in his element. He’s such a charmer. He asked everyone if they liked rap music for some reason. I also got word from this girl who does staffing for production that theres a documentary that needs a ‘Field Producer’ which seems to be just slightly higher than a PA, so I said I would try and just pretend I have experience. Today I sort of waited around and cleaned mostly. I couldnt get anything done because I was waiting on this documentary woman to get back to me. It seemed all hope was lost until she reached out like an hour ago and seems to want me to help with the shoot. I hope they follow through, and seems like they will but not trying to jinx it again. My mom just called me and we talked about plans for when she visits new york next week. I feel bad because I guess its her birthday and I didnt know. How do people remember people’s birthdays? I’m setting a calabder alert for everyone’s right now
im soaking wet from walking to the train station. I was going to get dinner with two of my friends but its disgusting out so noone wants to. Was very mentally ill inside my head today, mainly probably because I didnt have a chance to eat anything all day except for nutrition bars. Theres a bunch of other details but mainly I just did shit at the shop all day. I listened to the bagavad ghita on tape for a good part of it and that was really compelling. I thought it would be more obscure and also narrative, like the bible, but it was quite didactic and also quick to the point. It’s so beautiful in a lot of ways, I want to learn more about hinduism, and also the Vedic texts that it was reacting against. It teaches to be neutral to sense pleasure, and to weather both happiness and sadness with detachment. Seems pretty simple, guess I’ll just do that from now on.
Also a funny thing about it is that the moral teachings in it come from an avatar of Krishna whose trying to convince this prince to go fight this battle even though he admires many of his enemies and doesnt think it just to kill them. The rest of the book is then this Supreme Personality of the Godhead telling him why its actually ok, and also that he must do his duty without thought to its attendant fruitfulness. This concept keeps coming up for me, but again I dont know how to magically not be completely preoccupied with my utter failing and inability to produce the results I want. Havent been meditating enough, thats part of it. Need to figure something out either way
mentally a bad day. may have forgotten to take meds. gut biome seems bad also. I had this nightmare last night where a lot of people were calling me because this guy I knew started using IV heroin and they were looking for me to do something, and I was just saying over and over there wasnt much I could do. when I woke up I thought, ‘Thank god! it was just a dream’ but then I also remembered the guy in question died of an overdose two years ago. It reminds when I was homeless and would wake up like ‘Thank god it was just a dream and I’m not actually late to high school this morning.’
Either way I feel mentally tortured for some reason. Dont know of good ways to get out of these mental spirals I find myself in at work. Worried Im getting resentful of people and my life and despondent about everything and am going to fester and become a worse person and utterly fail to change things. Need to order shower curtain rings before I forget
wanted to just also note that two miracles happened today-
my conditioner bottle, which I am certain was empty, somehow refilled itself when I took a shower
on my walk home from the gym I witnessed a man in religious ecstasy, softly rattling the gates to a catholic church near my house, muttering to himself in tongues.
At the print shop today and the next two days. Hate this job, but maybe I just hate having a job. Just got done with this gallery text install in harlem that took way longer than it needed to. Everyone in the gallery stopped listening to Drake for a while and watched me struggle to make these vinyl letters stick to this textured wall for a good long time. Its horrible when people watch me but I did a good job. I’m sort of already dreading the rest of the week, I’m already exhausted. I’m going to a gym playdate with my girlfriends friends brother. Not sure what he looks like but I’m worried he will beat me up and/or call me a pussy for being bad at the gym. maybe we’ll start a small business together and i’ll have to sue him for breach of contract. Maybe he will eventually lend me a van with a faulty break line, and everyone will try and fail not to blame him for my untimely (and dramatic) death. Only time will tell
forgot to post. had a frustrating day setting up the house (finally got bookshelves) and doing this personal project i’m too tired to get into. but I’m turning into a guy who uses a tablet. I don’t think I got this design job I wanted and I have to see the doofus who was gonna hire me around so I already feel embarrassed. Oh well it would have been too easy to be true anyway. Too tired to be coherant
slightly revealing behavior just now- meant to pull up substack to make a post and accidentally automatically pulled up one of the time keeping websites i use to clock into a vinyl printing job. Anyway, I edited this guys podcast today- it was an interview with default friend actually (katherine dee, i think). I didnt really listen to the words because I was mostly focused on the noise floor and sibilant clipping and stuff, so I actually only realized halfway thru it was her. I went to follow her back and realized she unfollowed me. I should stop unfollowing ppl who have a big following because obviously its good for getting followers, abd I like when the number goes up. I think i unfollowed her during a phase where I got tired of all these pseudo right pseudo intellectual pseudo thinkers just posting inane takes. Dont remember well enough to say if that describes her account but it definitely describes her following. She was also in this magazine I djed the opening for which is somehow connected to urbit (?). I read the magazine and was not really a fan of any of the writing. A lot of this stuff makes me depressed. I’m embedded in such a dumb little mileu. New York City seems to mostly be rich online kids who came here to lick the bag of whatever is left of the exciting time when a bunch of retarded visual artists who liked punk music lived and worked amongst violent criminals. I definitely understand why everyone hates New York (and me and my friends) but its mostly not even worth remarking upon. It might sound like I’m complaining but I’m more trying to pare down my thoughts. It’s frustrating how simultaneously resentful, disdainful, and plying for attention I feel in relation to the ppl around me who are more embedded in media positions. I can recognize something is dumb and spiritually hollow and still desire the adulation and sheen I see surrounding it. Speaking of which I’m waiting to hear back if this trendy graphic design thing my acquaintances need someone for wants to dein to allow me to put some text over a photograph so thats been making me apprehensive and self questioning about these sorts of people and behaviors
Anyway after I did this podcast thing I went to the gym and now I’m taking a long train ride to an NA meeting. I saw a woman drinkint something with a straw and for whatever reason this image of cocaine straw powder party stimulants blue powder opiates fent came into my head and I had an honest to god physical craving for the first time in a long time. Ghastly. It also came back to me that I had a really realistic relapse dream about smoking tar off foil in a car about to go to my old roommate’s softball game. Whatever. I hope this NA meeting is the one that fixes me.
Woke up late, worked on this graphic design thing, applied for a few jobs, walked around ridgewood listening to neil young for a couple hours, got a call from my friend about how he’s being sexually blackmailed, and now I’m making pasta sauce but in kind of the manner of a goth or an existentially tortured man
tired already and I think im supposed to be up all night. We shall see how that goes. I won these beautiful dressers on this auction and we were gonna hire someone to pick them up since we dont have a van, but long story short misscomunication meant we only hired one guy. very frustrating. I’m out 140 for the dressers (plus I really really wanted them) plus whatever G payed for the movers. Trying not to let it upset me anymore. I got really upset and went immediately to the gym lol. Not the worst reaction. I worked on this graphic design application and im really stretching truths on it and it all makes me feel like nothing is going right. Tired of leaning on acceptance and gratitude, which are if anything, harder than ever. I would rather win. It seems like winning is accessible for everyone else, and I am supposed to move further into humility and self abnegation. Maybe its my destiny. I naturally dont sell myself, I dont attract attention to myself, i dont boast(have little to boast of anyway) but I still cant accept the amount of humility it seems is required of me. I get what saints are always talking about in their diaries- im a wretch, im not worthy. I am sorry God, I am seeking. Going to a meeting I really like for once, I hope it makes me feel better.
went to the dentist this morning to fix my methy teeth so my face was completely numb through most of the day. consequently im very hungry now. i was just in central park with people and theyre all going off to eat at some likely incredibly expensive restaurant and then drink for several hours so i’m getting started on my 45 minute commute back to queens. this one guy before i left kept saying he wishes he was doing heroin(and weirdly hes made the same joke every time im around him) and it does honestly sort of bother me. I should just ask him if hes ever done heroin. I guess the alternative is this other guy i know sort of cornered me at a bar not too long ago and was like ‘Oh you used to be addicted to heroin, me too’ and he like tried to bro out with me about powder vs tar and east coast vs west coast H. that sort of bothered me too but neither of those social situations really should bug me, they just tend to make me shut down and really self conscious. If i was more confident it would be fine. Praying for more confidence. Either way its good I’m going home because I need to try to nab these two little job opportunities- one for web design and one for graphic design- neither of which I actually know how to do, so there will be some trickery involved in even attempting to get them. Here’s hoping
woke up exceptionally depressed- started moaning and rolling around thinking about what a moron and a loser I am. went back to sleep and woke up feeling slightly better but i’ve still been quite sluggish all day. got a few things done around the house and put up shelves and did some searching for furniture, but I didn’t get as much done as I’d have liked. Went to an AA meeting next door but it isn’t very good, which is dissapointing. It was older people and fairly blue lives matter. Not the worst meeting but it was mainly bible thumping and didactic speeches about the program. I’m starting to experience real doubts about 12 step programs. It turns out nothing is really salvational. I need to go to church, I’m not finding god on my own. Maybe god is salvational- thats supposed to be the point anyways. My mind is muddled. Tried to make music and only got so far so I’m going to watch World War II american progoganda for a while I think
forgot to post yesterday. hate to say it but im depressed again. hard to get out of bed. I should be working again soon maybe that will help. continued to get set up in new house today, but its taking a long time. got groceries. had a really grating conversation with my dumb woman therapist. now going to have dinner with genevieves mom and some extended family.
completely and totally and fully moved out of my old house today so its good thats finally behind me. I spent the rest of the day working on becoming a graphic designer, which is my latest hare brained scheme for fame and fortune and fulfillment, but I’m feeling incredibly inadequate about it. I didn’t really make anything good at all, my attempts at design proved more or less futile. I don’t really know what got it in my head that this would be a good idea but i feel really silly just trying to figure something else out on my own again. Maybe I should keep trying but so far I feel discouraged. I’m worried that I had a brief period of mania when the wellbutrin was acting on my brain and now I’m back to being uninspired and depressed. I don’t really feel much of anything the last few days except my back hurts and im constantly tired. I will say I had a really good time at a party yesterday, which isn’t something I’m usually able to do. I think today was just off because I’m trying something new, but I think I will figure things out one way or another, even if it means giving up on my weird little plan to book design gigs.
pretty neurotic right now. very tired. i think the wellbutrin made me crazed and ennervated for three days and now im back to being depressed. would much rather be the former but im not allowing myself to use drugs anymore. i really wanted the new apartment to be salvational but it doesnt feel that way now, but thats to be expected- good things take time to work. Just went to an NA meeting now im awkwardly heading home until I go to a party. Not sure when I should head there, ive been showing up to things repeatedly at the wrong time so I want to do this one more correctly. Maybe I’ll shave, as its been almost a month. I really really really want to feel good and content again
miserable day at work and now back at home filled with overwhelming self doubt. wellbutrin has seemed to level off to nothing. i told myself the new apartment would help and it did for a day. trying to get over myself
NEW APARTMENT
I’m in a new apartment it has 5 whole rooms and theyre big. My back is extremely sore from moving so much stuff into and subsequently out of a cargo van that I’m concerned I won’t be able to make it to work. Very excited to not be forced to speak to my roommates anymore. Very loverly place I have going on currently. We ate chinese food on the floor, like a couple moving into a new place.
forgot to post yesterday. im still feeling crazed from my wellbutrin increase. I was packing up stuff and read part of my journal from about 7 years ago and it happened to be the last time I was on wellbutrin, which I didnt really remember. I was putting all the drugs I had taken each day in the margins and I was also taking a lot of clonodine and valium and also opiates pretty frequently, which would explain why i dont remember feeling this wazzed up before.
We finally signed on a house, which is pretty exciting. Its so beautiful and Im very excited, but the prospect of moving is curtailing my sense of optimism significantly. I think I’m going to go back home once we install this job (for RuP*uls Drag Race) in williamsburg and begin moving, and then hopefully get it all done tomorrow and work on completely clearing and cleaning the current address. Moving always makes me reflect a bit on my life choices. Being acutely aware of all the stuff you own and are beholden to makes one take note of your relation to society, wherein you originally acquired the stuff. I think I will feel better when I’m actively creating a home out of the new apartment. Should feel good to spread out.
they upped my dose of wellbutrin and ive been feeling really insane today, like im on terrible speed of some variety. i went to an NA meeting and it reminded me of going to meetings while coming down off meth. I got into sort of an argument with gf after this kareoke thing and it doesnt really matter and i dont think were mad anymore but then suddenly i found out my friend (who i was with earlier) is in the hospital because he got hit by a bike. I think he’s gonna be ok but we went to bellevue to try and see him. its a really crazy hospital. massive and empty, cathedral like, palatial and barren at this time of night save for a few wanton freaks shufflint about. I took two benadryl earlier and theyre sort of working finally now so im pretty tired but im stuck here for the forseeable future. hope I can see my friend and he doesnt have a bunch of broken bones or anything let alone a concussion or worse
apparently its the first day of fall. the other day i saw a catboy on the A train- he was probably 19-24 years old, very slightly pudgy vaguely asiatic face short fellow with cat ears on wearing a maids outfit. All fine and good I suppose, but he had this ennervating smirk on his face that read ‘oh yeah, Im a freak, im weird, everyone is looking at me.’ Maybe its a symptom of the internet in part, but in new york in particular I see a lot of this play acting as some kind of freak one might encounter otherwise in some shitty mid tier city like Portland or Austin as a unique instance of insanity. Its a very different pathology here when the dumbasses in costume on public transit are so easy to categorize. When I was growing up in Austin there was this guy who tattooed puzzle pieces all over his body and made his face look like a lizard (he was on an episode of the X Files) and he was really kind of arresting looking and scary in person (think his name was the Enigma). Its hard to imagine encountering that now, though I often see some crazed homeless person masturbating or menacing strange women, but thats not particularly fun.
The unororiginality of the freaks seems vaguely related to this notion that everyones in their little movie, and is the protoganist of some mediated narrative. I think this kind of subjectivity is really limiting, and alienates someone from their real desires, which also reduces creativity. I think if i understood the term ‘intereority’ i would get some mileage out of it here.
about to meet a landlord and have to pretend to be a good citizen
since i didnt really write anything yesterday ill post what i put in my dream journal, the first time in a very long time. long but surely unreadable, just like the rest of these diary entries-
7/22/22
insane i havent written a dream in here since last year . time. anyway there were three parts- i was at this kind of carnival space in the city with genevieve and a bunch of her friends - and it was sort of literally a carnival or like a country fair in what reminded me of the developed parts of national parks. i cant remember much of this part but i remember trying to go in what looked like a food court, and thinking i had to go through this tube. I got in the tube and i slid down and around and started getting soaked in water and was spit out right next to genevieve and her friend and i felt embarrassed because I had mistaken a drainage pipe for a kind of hallway. Very looney tunes. Then we were walking and gen and her friend (who i think was based on this girl lilly who i dont really know) were trying to buy alcoholic beverages of some kind and I started hearing this black metal band playing in this room i could see people were lining up to get in. The band sounded really good and I wanted to go see them. Not a black metal afficianado but they sounded like circle of ouroborous, which I love. I also saw two soundcloud rappers- Lil Tracy and Drippin So Pretty. I wanted to say hello because I briefly lived with lil tracy before he got famous and I know drippin so pretty is a recovering heroin addict so i thought maybe wed be friends or something. dont remember what happened but then i was in like a giant throng of people in what looked like a city college campus. dense with lots of young people around. I was taking flash pictures w a dslr of crazy stuff that was going by- outfits and crazed ppl but also strange beasts. Anyway we took shelter in this party that was happening in this huge loft. at first it was fine but i was walking around and i realized it was late and everyone was incredibly intoxicated and lots of people started taking off their clothes and having sex and i was feeling very weird about it and genevieve and lilly were acting as though it was perfectly normal which made me feel insane and insecure. The next thing i remember is we were in an airbnb with blake and a bunch of ppl i didnt know and we were looking at all the stuff in there, i wandered around and discovered the airbnb was connected to a mall full of chinese people and also was directly connected to a shop selling a large number of strange guitar-like stringed instruments that were hanging from the roof
too sick to really make a big post, but I’m confused and frustrated about everything and I just want to have a fucking apartment I can put all of my shit in and then go be by myself there. 1st step 1st
I was getting really nervous about housing last night- worried about the fact that were trying to get away with having a pet, worried that were making the wrong choice. I’m trying to give it all up to God, praying that he puts me in the right place, praying for wisdom. I was getting out of the train and i got angry and was kind of yelling at God. I’m frustrated because of this exchange that I saw in the shiekh and i yesterday. Caveh is arguing with this emarati about why he should be allowed to show his movie, and hes asking if islam has a sense of an immanent god, and if it does, why is his film not a reflection of God’s face.
Zahedi certainly knows what he’s doing, as this is, in a subtle way, the contention upon which the entire film rests. Islam, especially the emirate Sunni one really presses the blasphemy button hard, and basically doesnt like images at all. The emerati is basically voicing the concerns of islamists, who privelege the transcendence of god, and Caveh is like sort of arguing about theology, and the emerati is arguing about the potential consequences. Anyway I’ve been thinking about the fact that I don’t have a sense of an immanent god. I didnt really realize I needed one until now, but i do. I can conceive of this transcendent god, sitting metaphysically above the world. I make music, I like math, I like geometry, and its obvious to me that thats the way to God, but I think theres this other face, or multitude of faces, of God out there that I want to be able to percieve. I also don’t know my own theological perspective. I might only believe in a transcendent god and believe that creation is created, and an immanent god is incoherent (it does introduce all the weird things I hate about my evangelical friends growing up- if god has power here and now why doesnt he do something, etc).
The point is that I was kind of yelling at god in my head and was like ‘ok if youre immanent, show yourself, why cant I see you.’ And i felt angry and foolish, but it was as I was getting out of the train and I got out of the subway station and noticed this big seventh day adventist church I had never noticed before, and saw that this huge cross had been placed over the outside of these stained glass windows which were in the shape of stars of david. I dont know if its a converted temple, or this is a common motif among the adventists. It was sort of too on the nose for me not to imagine this as a sign from god. I really want it to mean that me and my jewish girlfriend have found the right apartment, because thats what I personally want god to tell me right now.
I saw the place and it felt good. Its rent stabalized and within our budget and not /that/ small (its a chinatown apartment, but it has two rooms). its a really weird building- like movie New York style prewar building. It would certainly be cool to live there. Its gonna mean being compact but maybe I can rent out a practice space. It will be hard to live as cheaply downtown. I think I’ll need to be making more money, but maybe this is what God wants me to do, and if god is going to force me to make more money then I should heed the call probably. I’m going to apply as soon as I get home and then it will feel like its in god’s hand, and I guess we’ll just see what happens
its technically sep 21st but i felt compelled to describe this broker I saw. I saw the broker at the open house before my last entry and he was really smarmy. He went on about ‘finding the right fit’ and how it was a beautiful place and the neighborhood was so great and how wonderful it was that it was rent controlled. Anyway he asked a ton of questions and then acted shocked that he had so many qualified applicants. He asked everyone to start a bidding war over the brokerage fee (not the rent of course, as it is rent controlled). Disgusting. I sent him a paragraph or two on how he was transparently just trying to skirt regulations that are meant to protect people without a lot of money but I didn’t get a very satisfying response. I was so angry. I went to a meeting on zoom and ranted about it a little bit (3 minutes exactly, actually). I just thought it was a disgusting thing to do, but it’s strange feeling righteously angry. It reminds me of how I felt all the time when I was using a lot. It also reminds me of how I feel frequently now- but in a much smaller way- righteously angry. It’s not good.
the other thing i forgot to mention is that I was driving the van and started crying thinking about religion for some reason
feeling fear. I’m worried about moving into an apartment with a no pet policy with genevieve’s cat. I don’t really want to be evicted at all ever, especially because finding in apartment has been a consternation in itself. I’m quite sick, lying in bed, I just finished the shiekh and I and I have this weird reaction to all of Caveh Zahedi’s movies. I don’t know exactly how to explain it. Actually, he’s the reason I started writing this diary. I kind of hate him but I keep watching his work. I’m nervous to watch in the bathtub of the world, which is free on kanopy so it would be the next obvious choice, but I’m not sure why. I feel really guilty and also jealous watching him. He seems to have a clarity of purpose without much moral neurosis, which is maybe the opposite of me- hence the jealousy. I’m also worried that I can’t access god as immanent in the world, and can only see god’s fingerprint in it transcendence. I want to feel an immanent God, I really do. I dont always know what I’m looking at but I cant stop seeing things as dirty and imperfect and uninteresting. I’m worried about housing mainly. I need a house. Maybe I will feel better when I get a house, maybe it will all be perfect when I get a house. I wish I knew what I was doing. Sometimes I know what I’m doing for a few minutes, occasionally for a few hours, and maybe that will have to be enough. I wish I wasn’t sick
pretty classic monday if i’m being quite honest with ya. Woke up late and went to work doing vinyl stuff and did one strike and one install and then cleaned the shop. The only notable thing is that I forgot my headphones which meant I had to be alone with my thoughts, which is kind of a hellish endeavor. People always say this thing to me when I describe what I do when I work at the vinyl shop: “Wow. Sounds pretty meditative” which I guess is the nice way of saying "Wow you’re job sounds really fucking boring”. Luckily I was doing actual strike/install work so I only had like 4 hours of contending with my various spiritual and sexual neurosis that plague my brain when it isn’t receiving any input. I looked at an apartment later and am in the midst of applying even though its prolly more expensive than I’d like. I think I will find a place its just been a process of increasingly fraudulent edits to me and Genevieve’s documents. Now, according to them, we make a combined annual 100,000 dollars. This is the benefit of graphic design experience I suppose. Praying for god to give me what I need and also to be grateful, because I realized I haven’t been grateful for what my life has become since I got that email from my wife, who doesn’t sound like she’s been having as good a time as me. I really am one of the luckiest people in the entire world in a variety of ways, and yet I have a lot to complain about. Oh well!
forgot to post yesterday but whatever. Woke up late today but then got a lot of web design stuff done which felt good. I learned how HTTP servers work (basics) and how to make server calls which is pretty cool to know, and it means I can call API’s of various tools which opens things up. My wife emailed me today because I asked for her social security and stuff to move the divorce forward and she sent me this long email back apologizing for this super mean email she sent me before. She said she was in an abusive relationship at the time with this guy that she had mentioned before, and who I had gotten a really bad feeling about. She also said he would freestyle rap when he did cocaine so even notwithstanding any domestic violence it sounds pretty bad. Anyway she said theres no rush on the divorce, and she was fairly heartfelt and nice and honest. I should still move forward with it because I don’t actually need that many documents from her but it feels a lot less bad and a lot less likely she will become litigious or something.
tonight I went to this girl’s party who me and my gf have ferret sitted for earlier this month and it was fine but this girl like cornered me bc she realized we grew up really close to each other. She was asking me all these questions trying to figure out if we knew any of the same people and I really hate those conversations because I never know the same people and I always expose myself has having no friends and no life in high school. I also think I came across as arrogant or something because I talked about how I got kicked out of high school and she was saying she was a really straight laced kid in this demure manner that seemed to imply a shyness or shame around being normal. It went against the tone I was hoping to convey, which was humble and apologetic- sorry I was a freak, I didn’t see any indie bands, I didn’t go to any of the football games, but I think I would be better off if I did, is what I wanted to say. Of course I’m sure what she got out of it was that I thought I was so cool and better than the normal people. I don’t look down on anyone like that, and she has a much better job than me now and seemingly more friends and more stuff to do, so how cool can it possibly be that I went rehab at 17? Anyway she kept saying she was drunk and high and then I noticed everyone was fairly drunk and my friend hugh was being really irritating. i think people are generally fairly irritating but I like them despite it (I love humanity and it would be weird if i didnt) but I’ve got this cold so my tolerance for little grievances was lowered. I left and bought a new vape and accidentally got a huge gamer vape, so this will be something of an embarrassment as i don’t want to spend another 60$ just for a more stylish way to imbibe nicotine. Long entry
at a party. big big party. hangin out with my homies alex bienstock and almog and my girlfriend and were hanging out on this porch. earlier today i was getting really wigged out- i think related to being in house searching hell, and I got obsessed with converting to islam because the call to prayer came on shuffle on my phone in my walk home from work. went to the gym and dont really want to convert to islam anymore but well see
ugh
went to go look at a place after a really stressful day at work but because work went so late I missed this appointment but got a video from the realtor so put in an application anyway. the place is cheap and huge so it makes me worried im missing something but its just a really weird apartment so hopefully its just too weird for normal people to like but i really really like it. Anyway i was right next to this show my friend told me about so I walked over but now im really early. I already weirded out the door guy seperately from being the absolute first person there. Anyway now im outside the bar listening to some hipster (literally) blubber on about this breakup he had with this girl he was living with. he was just like “We were BOTH alcoholics, I just was able to admit it. She was just as abusive as me. Now she has the nerve to go to Al-Anon…” And hes been on like this for maybe 20 minutes with his interlocuter saying nothing so far. God speed to that man. I guess I’ll watch this show alone even if my friend doesnt get back to me. I dont know anything about the music or anyone here so maybe im being a real freak but I already paid
played a show and it actually went really well with a surprising amount of response. Feel proud of myself which is really not what i was expecting. Very tired so I dont want to write anymore. Tomorrow i might choose to not be productive but time will tell and also either way i need to keep looking for housing
kind of brain dead. partly because i couldnt sleep for a long time last night, but I think mainly because the collective unconscious is updating its software in preperation for our transition into a new season. I’m thinking tomorrow is a new chapter in my life beginning with this little 9/11 show I’m playing. Wish I had more things to be hopeful for that would give me more confidence in my future, as I am currently filled with doubts and also regrets of things left undone, but I am going to generate positive opportunities shortly if I stay on an angelic path.
thinking a lot about Augustine berating himself in his confessions for asking god ‘For chastity and continence, but not yet’
forgot to write in my diary yesterday and still also cant find my real diary. kind of did a lot of annoying stuff today so i suppose that was an accomplishment but it was all a lot of stuff i
fuck this i cant think coherantly who gives a shit about today. i think this weekend is when they do a software update on the collective unconscious as we go into a new season. everryones being straight up r worded myself included. will keep examining this transitional period
worked at the shop today mainly. Went to the Armory (art fair) to install these vinyl panels. I went last year because genevieve got me tickets so I really felt the passage of time. it feels insane to me that ive been in new york for this long and also that i’ve been sober for 2 years. I feel like im too late and not making progress fast enough, but trying to not indulge that line of thinking, as it isnt very useful. I’m not making enough money though, work has been extremely slow. working at the print shop makes me want to kill myself though, and i just realized it yesterday. I could try to find a full time job, but I feel tantalizingly close to getting freelance schedule to work for me. Im gonna ask around for more audio stuff and maybe some other freelance art handling stuff.
Show tomorrow is postponed. dont really feel anything about. I dont feel fucked over because its carl and I know that hes not really used to booking shows and also i love carl. I feel silly being a musician with this little legitimacy at my age but it is what it is. its not a bad hobby and im better at it than most people. Too bad that I dont think Im going to win a grammy and also missed my chance to get addicted to heroin while on tour and having sex with groupies. I guess I could do that now if the opportunity came up and i really felt like it. Finding god again against all odds, just by being whiney and trying to give up all my problems to him. I want to feel the ease and comfort I felt a year ago, but not sure how to attain it.
woke up late and it kind of fucked up my plans. did this short interview with this hotel thats hopefully gonna book me for A/V shifts sooner rather than later, because other work might be drying up after this week. Went to my friend’s house to watch the West Indian Day parade from his roof, which was sort of exciting. Felt kind of off already while I was there and then I started to feel alienated. It’s always alcohol stuff recently. I just wish I could drink so bad. Its truly insane and stupid. I wish that I had a more complex problem but maybe I don't. I spin it in to other resentments and problems but if I could just also drink then I think it would be fine. We walked to this barbecue with these DSA people and I started to feel really bad. I just could see everyone I was with getting more drunk and having a better time and I really want something to give me a sense of ease. I thought writing about it would help but I feel like I’m just getting closer to convince myself to relapse. I’m a pretty pathetic person in some ways and one of those ways is that I think I maybe have only ever wanted to get really fucked up. That’s like the entire thing and the only thing I’ve ever really wanted and the rest of myself came secondary to that. I know a lot of people in NA who talk about drugs taking over other aspects of their lives and I understand but I can’t relate. I think maybe I just wanted to be as high as possible for the rest of my life no matter what. It makes me sad to think about and doesn’t make me feel good about myself or the future. I left and went home and called my sponsor and now I’m going to go to a meeting. Wish I had a way to feel good consistently but I don’t other than a vague grasping at some kind of religious absolution. Things could be worse
cant find my real diary which is interesting. havent written in there in like a week. anyway I had a moment where I felt really good today and hopeful. i went to this meeting and the guy leading was very relatable to me and he was just kind of cogent and wise and it made me optimistic in a way i really noticed. I felt pretty relieved. Felt really annoyed at everyone else sharing because its this Sceney art*** meeting and everyone there trends towards being an annoying narcissist. I also went up the guy who led and exchanged numbers but I was really awkward and it made me feel foolish. anyway I went home and got ready for this show which I think went fine. not sure if Im a good musician but whatever its too late now. going to eat noodles now
heading to Brighton beach for my friends birthday. feeling very ill at ease for reasons which elude me. everything seems solid (except I am genuinely stressed about the fact that i need to find an apartment, but even that seems managable). I have a show (at a Kava bar, so I dont expect too much) lined up, work lined up for a while, an interview with a new thing that ive wanted, making progress on all personal projects. I just desperately want to feel some type of relief. maybe ill feel it at the beach. maybe my medication is making me worse. maybe my medication will kick in and fix me. maybe I just need a good therapist. maybe someone will offer me a really good job and itll fix me. Need to turn back to God. I felt Him for a second earlier this week but now am back to worldly things. not praying enough not meditating for long enough
woke up for the first time in months feeling relieved and calm, then quickly lost it and went back to normal. maybe thats promising, but i feel like shit now. I used to have such a feeling of ease when I would wake up and not immediately have some commitment, but for a while recently i’ve immediately been filled with dread upon waking. today was kind of stupid- i mostly did web design stuff with limited results and then mixed up the times for this interview with a job i really didn’t want anyway and then blew off this meeting i was supposed to go to and then decided not to go out with people. I don’t feel good right now I guess because I’m isolating. I also had this annoying thing with a realtor scheduling to come see my apartment since i’m moving and for some reason I became extremely stressed by it. I dont know why i’ve had such low tolerance for emergent problems but it seems related to my recent mental troubles. I really need a new therapist, my shitty medicaid one makes me feel bad and insulted. I know I need to think positively, but I dont know how. I know i need to tell myself things that make me feel better but I don’t even know what those would be right now. I need to not neglect meetings, even though they don’t directly help me. Want to get moving on preparing for this show I’m playing next week. I don’t know why but I feel empty about it. I should be excited and taking it really seriously but I just don’t have the energy. Why am I even doing music? I guess I enjoy it. I keep making it. I already feel like I need to set up the next show so it keeps going. I worry I’m going to feel dissapointed in myself no matter what I do. I have material from the last one and some new stuff to play but I don’t know if I did enough. I want to feel good and happy and i want people to tell me that I’m good. I want to feel at ease. I wish I could get drunk with people right now. Three really loud bousterois people went to go get drunk and I guess I could have gone with them and not isolated more but it feels pretty bad to do that recently. I’m just pretending to feel this ease. People also downplay the role alcohol has in it. I like talking to people sometimes but I cant just sit around drunk people anymore being isolated. Talking to another sober person yesterday was good and helped. We talked about the I Ching and like quitting smoking- normal sober people stuff. He’s pretty smart. He also told me he sees a lot of Cis Women on Grindr and doesnt know why and I’ve been thinking about that some. The only explanation i can think of is that theyre just insane.
paid my rent today. fuck rent. annoying thing to spend money on. had a full day. four hours of installation, then to my house to clean so this realtor could inspect it, then started to get ready for this show next week. wish I had more stuff recorded but I only have an unmixed set of songs to use. need this guy whose mixing some tracks to get back to me, feeling really stalled with music stuff until i either move into the new place or find someone who will mix for me. anyway then i met up with this person Robert and I think we had a good conversation. new sober friend. then i went to this birthday dinner at this fancy japanese place and now im kind of wrapped up into this whole hangout for the time being
i only have 3 minutes now to do this. woke up in a bad mood but I stayed at this house my gf is ferretsitting at so I just played with a ferret and got a lot done with web design. figured a lot of stuff out and learned a few tricks. doing this technical stuff makes me worried i dont have anything interesting to say because I constantly am figuring out new tools but never sure what to do with them. that being said my friend says he’s gonna book me for a show in about a week so that’s exciting. Need to finalize my divorce and find a new house. The ferret is giving me perspective because its a pure and curious creature and lives very immediately- you can see it in its lil beady eyes
was bossed around by this german projector guy all day. very annoying. i feel very tired. went to this AA meeting where this old woman had a crazy story and I felt weird. I’m house sitting and there’s a lot of drugs here I wish I could take but I suppose I won’t another day. going to play dwarf fortress and then go to sleep
was too tired and busy to post yesterday. after working late at this gallery install I helped gf move really really big table. todays the last day of this install and im very excited to be done. yesterday was kind of brutal on my body in a way i dont really understand. maybe i just need to get stronger. maybe i need an email job. i dont know what i want. staying again at the upper west side today which hopefully will feel like a nice vacation from my dismal life
got up really late- or rather woke up early and then went back to sleep like 2 hours later and then got up at 1. then I went to my friend’s show nearby for a while. It was fun but really poorly attended. I wanted to make friends there because I want to play more shows and need to meet all these brooklyn music people, but I dont always know if I get along with them. Anyway I think my friend’s project is good and everyone involved is talented. I was there for a while and these drug dealers were next door selling meth (and other stuff presumably) and these two guys were like really tweaked out in theyre car with the doors open and it kind of really threw me off. I had to get cash out for my friend because theyre debit card stopped working and this drug dealer who had already hit on my girlfriend in this kind of scary way like gave me a nod cuz I was getting out cash and I had to like gesture ‘no’ at him but of course I was fantasizing about how much heroin I could get for the 200$ I was getting out. Then I was there alone for a while but I couldn’t socialize anymore all of a sudden so I went home. I dont like how little I can socialize and I dont see that being as much of a problem for anyone around me. It seems to have gotten in the way of a lot of things I want in life and I don’t know a great way around it. It’s probably in my head. I know a lot of people and I have friends. I worry I’m not close to that many people but I’m growing to be. It’s hard to compare myself to others and I think that I’m getting closer to people recently, but I actually do think I need to work on it. Trying to think of God more today as it’s sunday. Don’t know how to recieve the grace I had a year and a half ago again. Need to go back to church at the very least
i like working during the weekend- or more properly I like not having my schedule conform to the typical mon-friday. Good on unions for making weekends or whatever (theyre a good idea) but with my lifestyle I dont like how much pressure there is to have fun on the weekends. I somehow need to fully recuperate even though the typical weekend activities are really draining (im a huge homo now). I used to really like the weekends, specifically friday, because it meant i could drink an entire fifth and eat acid or whatever and not have to wake up for work or school or whatever I was doing, and then when I get on heroin it just meant i could be high in peace. Now I dont even know why i’m supposed to like friday night. I hate working though, so the days off are great. Anyway I kind of feel excited about my one day weekend even though theyre fuckibg me by cancelling another day of work. Going to two parties tonight and then my friend’s daytime show tomorrow
friday night. i worked on coding this website all day and I guess made progress even though it felt really slow. Then I went to this AA meeting and got back to this house im staying at and decided at the last minute i didn’t feel like going out anymore. I feel kind of lame, which is a really lame reaction. I don’t know why I care. I also have work tomorrow, and I don’t really need to waste time talking to people who couldnt be bothered to get real jobs. I’m feeling really sensitive recently. I just cried thinking about times I almost killed myself but didn’t. I was at dinner with NA people after this meeting on tuesday and this extremely annoying and self aggrandizing guy was droning on about his stupid boyfriend telling his mom that he was adopted without asking him. I was kind of in and out of the conversation because it was interminable and boring but the guy said something about his boyfriend not really knowing what he wants and not really seeing himself and I’ve been thinking about it a lot ever since. I get really sad and insecure because I feel like everyone around me is shiny and has a telos to their life and I am dull and misguided, but I’m also aware that’s not how other people see me. I also never really know what I want even in a proximal sense. I don’t know what makes me happy or content and I’m not sure that I ever have. Alcohol made me feel ok, amphetamines made me feel good, opiates made me feel really happy. I missed a lot of figuring out the basics of feeling good or what I want. I still have no idea. Anyway I didn’t want to go out and also am crying thinking about the enormity of a human experience and its related to that somehow. Making UK garage in ableton for some reason.
my internal plan to retake over my locus of control after my horrible weekend is going pretty well. Had a really fantastic day. made a lot of progress learning React, actively setting up my website to be dynamic. Went to the Met, ate dinner with someone I havent seen in a long time, and now am going to take a bath. The combination of housesitting someones insane apartment in the upper west side and work cancelling on me was a big part of it, but I feel much better either way. Kind of thought the wellbutrin was starting to work but its more likely I had just had about 7 cups of coffee on an empty stomach and was also engaged in pleasant activity. As long as I fill my life with things that are good my life will be good ostensibly. One step at a time. Don’t feel reconnected to God but I feel flickers of it here and there when I’m in a good mood. I feel disheartened to find my religious sense contract when I feel in a dark place. Perhaps that’s natural, but I worry about it and don’t know what it means. Something to think about maybe
want this medication to work faster. im kind of depressed but im about to eat a burger. doing an art handling gig in chelsea. gallerist is slightly annoying. sort of dreading filling the time after work. If gutes gets back to me were doing this photo thing. if she doesnt i guess i have to try to clean my room. everything is still fairly daunting. trying to remain in good spirits and also think of things longer term, but everything feels poised to set me off on a path of self loathing. wish i was either more grateful or more spectacular
really tired. been just doing AA stuff mainly since ive been back from the hellish weekend. pretty depressed but i cleaned my room slightly and made a mix for this weird project i wont get into. also I went to the orthodontist. went to the meeting and because theyre having an election in the usual room they moved us into the main part of the cathedral- which was nice because its more beautiful. I couldnt hear anything because of the acoustics so i mostly just looked at the decor and started to notice how chintzy the house of god was. I prefer protestant mediocrity to catholic mediocrity. protestant mediocraty is like a conference room in a strip mall where they pray but they have more of an out than catholics. God sees a higher beauty in things anyways, may we align our sight with His. I went to dinner with NA people and got seated next a really self aggrandizing and also succesful person who self aggrandized and referenced his success the whole time. Didnt really help my mood. Feel pretty pathetic, but I started medication today so I’m trying to hold out hope. Worried I’m too old for anything good to happen
pretty shitty day. still felt really upset, cried a little but mostly just kept getting really angry. went to the gym and felt slightly better. going to a meeting. frustrated that I thought I was doing better but am now just back to the small minded problems of before and the frustration and lack of clarity that mostly defines ordinary living but now im slightly more emotionally volatile and upset. maybe tomorrow will be better
horrible mistake to go to this mill. I had a really wretched night in a way i didnt really expect. i was in a great place going and thought that I was really ready but i had a much harder time than I expected with the drug use and alcohol. I’ve been in more wretched situations that this one in terms of sobriety but everyone was being on ecstasy and wasted at me and there was no escape. it brought up every insecurity I have about not being a part of things around me, being outcasted, being different and also it just felt really dangerous and I felt stupid for even going. even at some point when I tried to go to sleep i felt worse and couldnt sleep so got up and got into a horrible conversation and then i repeated that a few times. today was worse, I feel like I’m back in the first month of getting clean. im driving these people baxk to new york and i keep having to sneak off to cry. feels really pathetic. im at this italian dinner they wanted to have in scranton for some inscrutable reason. I still have probably 5 hours until im home. Dreading talking to my garbage retard therapist about this tomorrow
heading to Paris’ birthday at this reclaimed mill that he and several other people acquired and are renovating (or something) with alyssa genevieve rachel and evan. feel much better than the last week. went to Almog’s party and felt like i was with friends. made it to NA meeting so thats good and mostly ive been in the car but still feel optimistic. i expect tonight should be really pleasant. im having a good time and also not feeling terrible about returning from the short vacation- i hope to mantain the sense of optimism and perspective a change in pace grants through the near future
coming back from rhode island. feel kind of off- were going to a party immediately after getting back and then going to this camping thing that might be kind of a rager. havent been to a meeting since tuesday, and that was online (which kind of feels like 3/4s of a meeting). i also kind of predict that this party will make me insecure based on who i imagine will be there. trying to do a better mental health thing where i think about things i Get To Do rather than Have To Do or Cant Do or Didnt Do. Trying to think my way into gratitude a little bit. I do feel really lucky I could go on this trip. I spent many years with no friends and basically nothing to do, and I think Im doing a bit better than that now. last night i was out with covacationers at a bar and I really missed drinking, or wanted to drink. I really wish I could drink. Now that Im clean im also really sensitive and can tell. I feel groggy and cranky from being in the car already, and it would be an easy fix with two alcoholic beverages. Oh well. I get to be sober and I get to go to this party and not cause any damage and I get to go on this camping trip ans not be blacked out the whole time. I wish Really also want to work on music to get stuff to put online and show people and maybe get shows. nervous and unsure on what im doing but i dont think it will hurt to try this. I think a job opportunity is moving forward- audio tech stuff at a hotel my friend works at, and also this driving gig i dont really want is gonna interview me for a second round. Wish I had more going on, wish the things i had going on were more impressive and that I had any positive feelings towards. Wish I could be grateful again. I think I felt the god feeling briefly at the pier today but its pretty fleeting
on providence vacation mode. went to libraries and art stuff and then clamming and am hanging out now.
went to providence road island. seeing alyssa with genevieve. theres a big hp lovecraft festival called Necrinomicon or something so its the perfect time. were hanging out outside the warm up party and saw a guy read Lovecraft poems with those steampunk goggles on with a lisp. pretty appropriate introduction to Providence. need to go back in ans network with the cthulu movers and shakers so i can rise up in this scene
pretty non eventful day at the print shop. going to providence road island tomorrow, which is a trip my gf planned that I totally forgot until yesterday. It made me stressed out because I’m losing out on a 300 dollar day on thursday and havent been working much, but I have several jobs who tell me theyre about to pick up a lot. Plus working sucks and I’m losing my mind.
I’m kind of brain dead because after getting home I just tried to teach myself more React. I don’t even know why I’m learning React. Am I going to be a web developer? No. Do I enjoy learning React? Absolutely not. This is kind of a bad habit where I just pick up hobbies or pursuits to procrastinate from sticking to any one thing and following through on projects. I need to finish more music to put online, but I’m kind of stalled on that until my friend whose mixing some tracks finishes moving cities. I just want to see how worth it it is to get someone else to mix them- but I don’t know how good it will sound, or how much he wants to charge me. I keep saying I’m a musician but I havent recorded as much as I said I was going to when I got sober. I make a lot of it and then record some of it but never finish anything because its not good enough. This is obviously an extremely common problem and I dont really have time for it, so I need to keep following through or I’ll continue to be frustrated in myself. Either way I’m learning React and its actually going kind of ok as far as I can tell. I think learning to code will not be totally useless, and I do enjoy solving problems with it when I get that far, it just is the case that its a lot of effort to get that far. I wish I was younger and had wasted less of my life so I could stop feeling so much pressure to figure stuff out. I used to feel this pressure and then I would just do heroin about it, which doesnt really help you figure out what you like or what youre good at or what youre doing with your life. Anyway I feel like this was a particularly mopey and bad entry but it is my diary so I suppose I’m not also going to feel bad about the quality of this writing
less depressed today because I made 300 dollars in a hour but then i decided to use the free time I had to try to refigure my website I havent finished in react (actually in next.js, which is something I shouldnt do without learning react) even though I don’t even really know javascript. Now I have a really bad headache and my ftp client is acting up so I’m gonna call it quits. I can’t tell if working on this website is even approaching a good use of my time. I don’t want to go into web development per se but I do want to get better at coding. Why? I don’t really know. I was getting into a cool thing with using python language processing libraries to do generative poetry when I used to play ambient shows, so I’m hoping I find some other equally pointless but self-soothing use for react. Maybe I’ll make a web app that makes me a million dollars. Maybe I’ll just get such a bad headache trying to figure it out that my head will explode.
The only reason I’m learning a new javascript framework is out of a joke- I finished a decent portfolio that has some stuff on it and got to writing the part where I do an ‘about me’ or a statement of intent or a bio or whatever and I immediately decided the best thing to do would be to use GPT3 to generate it for me- which is a pretty clever idea, but in order to make it load on each page refresh it has to be asynchronous, and so to do that I have to use something like next.js, but it doesnt make sense to just install a lil next.js it should just all be done in this dynamic framework (which is a much better way to develop supposedly). Anyway all this is a way of saying my little joke about avoiding talking about myself has led to many hours of trying to teach myself something that is sort of out of my grasp.
I wish I was either a little smarter or a lot dumber. Maybe I wish I was a lot smarter or a little dumber. Either way, I suppose
i really hope this entire diary will not be about me being depressed but I was very depressed today to the point that I couldnt get out of bed. I noticed substack gives me statistics for every post, and I only got 4 views yesterday down from 19 the previous day. What did I do wrong? I’ll never know I suppose.
Anyway the only thing of note is that I saw Curtis Yarvin speak last night. I was given tickets through some online friend who didn’t end up going to this De Vere ball- De Vere being a prominent candidate for the real authorship of Shakespeare’s play. I didn’t know Yarvin would be a speaker (in fact, the only speaker) because I didn’t really know anything about it, but we walked into this relativel palatial and quite resplendent venue (baroque decor featuring a funny mix of abstract expressionist and neoclassical art) and a bunch of downtown new york types dressed notably well. I saw a few people I recognize and think are evil and maybe two people who have blocked me on twitter there.
We walk in to this sort of upper class wretchedness as moldbug is droning on about how Shakespeare (the actor, and alleged playwright) was the equivelant of a guy from Ghana who sold sunglasses (I guess cuz he was a wool distributor?) and he went on and told this whole narrative about how it was a joke that the Elizabethean inner circle would pretend this guy wrote all these plays, and in reality the Elizabethean court was a good version of a meritocracy (more or less) and he made jokes disparaging democracy and the poors- basic curtis yarvin stuff. Anyway all these people really ate it up and i felt pretty gross and everyone I talked to made me feel pretty bad even though they were all losers who get less pussy than me and have never been to jail or been punched in the face. Moldbug tried really hard to meet my eye (as he was doing to everyone) and I just decided I couldnt handle talking to him (or anyone else) and so I just played piano in this weird off-room and I think people kind of liked it and then I left. (Me and my girlfriend went to the afterparty and left within maybe 2 minutes but suffice to say not much else of note happened).
I’m running into a slight problem where I can’t mention anyone specific if I want to make fun of them, especially if I think that they follow my twitter, but maybe I will in the future if its really worth it
at house of yea (some venue i only know about cuz its supposed to be passe) doing a strike for this lady gaga event (that lady gaga was not attending). waiting for them to finish some interview so we can take away the backdrop we made for them. i was being really mentally ill all morning but sort of feel better now
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they had us finish striking now im just in Real Bushwick. A pretty wretched place. theres a ‘street art’ ‘lot beer garden’ playing homosexual house music really loud next to me. Anyway i have to go home and dress semi formally because I’m going to some event for this group that believes shakespeare was a conglomerate and not a single person. I’m aware of this notion but curious how you have an entire social club that throws events about it
Spent all morning at the hospital to get all these tests I have to do to give to this psychiatrist in order to get on pills. It feels incredibly perfunctory, especially when I am 98% sure I know what drugs theyre going to put me on. It was also incredibly an incredibly annoying venture. Its Kings County Hospital, which is just not run well based on what I’ve seen. Its confusing where you are supposed to go, noone knows where anything is or how anything works. I tried to preempt the whole thing by sending messages to my doctor but she hadnt read them, so I had to explain what tests I needed to get, and then she didn’t know where to actually perform them after I had ordered them, so it involved a lot of me wandering around with a vial of urine. When I got to the actual lab to drop them off there were no staff there, so I just left them in a sample intake tray and then talked to the administration about giving a fax number to send the results to- the administration people sent me back to the lab, who sent me to my doctor, who said to go back to the admin people. The lab staff said they couldn’t add a fax number after I dropped it off and I got kind of testy and said the hospital was ‘retarded’ (which is true but I felt bad about getting frustrated). I feel really mediocre and like nothing is working, and this really did not help matters. I’m going to a meeting and then to my friend’s birthday party but it all feels like a big chore. Sometimes I feel better after this particular meeting so I hope that holds true today.
pretty dumb day working at the print shop. I guess I wasn’t even really supposed to be in today so I just kind of cleaned and did packaging mainly. There was an israeli guy who worked for HP trying to sell us on this latex flatbed printer so that killed a good two hours. It was funny because we had our direct rep from the supplier there who we all know fairly well, this hasidic guy (its in clinton hill so predominately the people around us we do business with are hasids, though their employees are mostly hispanic) was there also assisting, and the israeli guy kept poking fun at the hasid for like not being able to look at hot women and stuff. I dont know it was kind of weird. We were also discussing color gamuts and he said that he wished he could see in infrared because Hamas would like get people to point laser pointers at spots to shoot rockets at- and then immediately went on this whole unprompted spiel (a yiddish word i realize) about how israel has drones that can kill soldiers without hurting all the human shields the terrible palestinians use or whatever. It was kind of wild. If i was israeli I would just avoid that whole conversation but they seem to love to bring it up. I’m not sure what to do right now I’ve been feeling pretty hopeless about personal projects. Theyre all just a slog that seems to go nowhere and it makes me feel pretty pathetic. I don’t really enjoy anything that isn’t a personal project other than getting as high as possible on opiates and/or stimulants or going to the gym. I can’t really go to the gym right now because I keep injuring my back but maybe I could try a really light workout and then make some music. I’ve been not doing any music stuff because I have a good number of things recorded and am getting an old friend to mix it, so I decided to wait until I get something back before going back into it, but I can’t really think of anything else.
i have a pretty bad headache from working on my website all day and also a lot of annoying medical appointments I had to do. I stopped working on my website because the only thing left is the thing that I am basically unwilling to do, which is to write an about me section. I tried to put this off by making it generated by GPT3 (which I kind of figured out, though I’m cheating significantly so it just looks generated on each load). No idea why I’m even making a portfolio website when i don’t have a clear idea of what its purpose is, but I need to figure that out because even if its AI generated my cover letter needs a prompt, and to write the prompt I have to decide how to describe myself. Everything feels pretty retarded and also wrong or pathetic. I said like ‘designer' and also I thought about ‘artist’ and also including ‘musician’ but these all seem stupid. I think its hard now that I have a headache. I feel pretty foolish having done all this work on this website thats not very good and only now realizing I will still have to decide my life path right now. The other thing is that I’ve been dealing with trying to get on medication and because I’m on medicaid I have to go to these pretty abysmal doctors and theyre pretty condescending. I might have to wait until September to even get pills but will need to see this really stupid therapist in the meantime. I was being all overwhelmed in the therapy session today because my girlfriend kept texting me about having a panic attack in Best Buy or something and she made me do breathing excercises. Breathing exercises are fine and all but I keep trying to stress that I’ve been forced into therapy for my entire life off and on since I was pretty young so I have a ton of exposure to this stuff and its hard to tell me to do things I don’t already actively practice. I guess that leaves little utility for therapy other than having someone to complain to. I want a therapist that’s smarter than me but I don’t want to have to pay 300 dollars for 45 minutes once a week or whatever it is out of pocket so in the meantime I might just have to go to my government issued therapy woman until I find a better one.
Not really sure what the function of the substack is. it honestly seems pretty annoying but I was curious what it would be like to write for something I know any stranger can read. I think its good practice for writing in general even if all the writing on here is terrible and doesnt really aspire to quality. Anyway the rest of the day I’m working on this DJ mix for this goofy project I’m working on with someone I dont really want to explain presently